Change Your Image
Mackem Bob
Reviews
EastEnders (1985)
"What's going on?"
Despite being hailed by the BBC as the programme that 'everyone is watching', I have to say that I find Eastenders to be the most pretentious piece of trash currently being broadcast in the UK. From the terrible acting (see Steve McFadden as Phil Mitchell and his wide variety of facial expressions : one; see Laila Morse as Mo deliver another witty comeback full of emotion and without resorting to screeching!), to the highly unlikely storylines and the even worse script-writing. Marvel at the amount of times the phrase 'What's going on?' is uttered, or the number of people who come to the conclusion that they 'need to get out of Walford'.
It also seems to me that the characters have all forgotten how to smile, each episode being a half-hour 'treat' of more doom and gloom from these supposedly chirpy Cockneys.
The show has also had it's fair share of 'hard-men', ranging from the original 'Dirty' Den Watts (who was killed by a bunch of flowers, and is still floating face down in the Thames waiting to be found.), to his rival Wilmott-Brown, the gangster 'wannabe' Nick Cotton, through to the bald-headed Grant Mitchell and his equally bald brother Phil, and HIS rival Steve Owen (played by Martin Kemp, formerly of 80's pop group Spandau Ballet, would you believe?). The only thing is, none of these 'hard-men' are anything like the hard-men of the real world.
In short, the whole show is totally pretentious, badly researched (take the controversial 'Fowlers in Ireland' storyline of 1998 for instance), badly written, badly acted and worst of all, the BBC, who produce it actually INSIST that it is the best show on television! Now 'what's going on' with that?
The Indoor League (1973)
Ah'll Si' Thee!
Before I start, I'd just like to point out that I didn't see this programme on its first run as I was only two years old when it was cancelled. I wasn't even aware that the programme existed until it was featured on the hilarious Skinner and Baddiel's Fantasy World Cup back in 1998. Basically the programme was a showcase for all those games that were traditionally played in the pubs and clubs of Northern England, such as Darts, Skittles and of course Shove Ha'penny. As a sports programme, it was fairly unspectacular but it did feature cricketing legend Fred Trueman, perhaps the most uninterested TV host of all time. He stood, leaning against a table, pint of bitter in hand, mumbling incoherently half of the time. And he always ended with THE best catchphrase of all time, "Ah'll Si' Thee", which to those who aren't initiated in Yorkshire dialect roughly translates as "See you later".
Watching the programme, it is obvious that the overall content is terribly banal and uninteresting, but it is interesting to note that it was the benchmark for TV coverage of darts. Until that point, darts had never been televised anywhere in the world. But for me, the highlight has to be Mr. Trueman.
Heil Honey I'm Home! (1990)
Terrible, Absolutely Terrible
Well, what can be said about "Heil, Honey I'm Home"? Basically, any sitcom about Adolf Hitler living next door to a Jewish couple is destined for disaster from day one. The fact that there were only eight episodes filmed but only one was ever shown says it all. This was made by the old BSB satellite company back in the days when satellite TV was something of a joke in the UK. Looking back at this programme makes it easy to understand why this was the common presumption.
The content of the programme was shocking, especially when it is from the so-called "more understanding" 90's rather than the politically-incorrect 70's. An example of the crass, offensive content is a scene in which Adolf is almost suffering a nervous breakdown. His wife Eva tells him to "think happy thoughts". "Poland!" shouts Hitler, with a devilish grin. And this is funny?!