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Age of Kill (2015)
The only reason there weren't more clichés in the script was they fell through the holes in the plot.
Let me begin by saying I really don't delight in rubbishing the work of anyone who's had the guts to make a movie. In this case, however, I feel the need to stick my head out of the trench.
I'll start with the hero: Martin Kemp isn't a bad actor, but I suspect he got the role because he looks more like an action hero than the others. And the antagonist, well, despite the voice-changer, I recognised Phil Davis' voice within two lines of dialogue - which left me asking "how is he in two places at once?" throughout almost the entire film. I only thank the director for not making it Dexter Fletcher or I may have left the film to fulfil a subconscious desire for a Big Mac (that's not a reflection of Dexter's acting - it's just I'm reliably informed he does the V/O for McD's TV ads).
There are several glaring errors with the concept of Sam Blake being ex-special forces, not least that he chooses to take down a target from a multi-story car park, in the middle of the day. He is then so surprised by the appearance of Mr and Mrs Average, returning to their car, he completely loses his composure, makes a big scene and wheel-spins out of the building leaving two frightened and confused eyewitnesses and - more importantly - his spent cartridge case (or evidence, as forensic services like to call it).
But the biggest fail, in my opinion, was him walking into a battle-cruiser (boozer) carrying his lo-tech sniper rifle (albeit in a flight case), following his mark into the karzy (toilets) and going through a very prolonged punch-up with him; in black ops terms, the equivalent of strapping a large number of pots, pans, bells and cymbals to your kit before commencing a covert op. After he's finally managed to neutralise the target, he comes back out of the bogs (toilets) and is recognised by one of the customers. He immediately pulls out a Glock (never heard of a silencer, Mr Green Beret?) and leaves the nuclear sub (pub) with no sign of the big black gun case with which he had arrived - presumably a bit of a handicap for a crack-shot sniper with several target left on his to-do list.
It's not all bad. Nick Moran provides a very convincing right-wing anti-immigration activist and, despite the hole in the plot described previously, Phil Davis gives us a very convincing baddie. I wish I had more good things to say, but I really don't. Sorry.
Lords of London (2014)
Lavazza Coffee in a Chipped Nescafe Mug
When I checked-in to this movie, I was very disappointed to see the low score. Ten minutes in, I realised the problem: you see Big Ray and Fireman Murphy in the credits and you want to see mugs getting a slap for taking liberties. That doesn't really happen, so anyone looking for that type of movie will be disappointed.
What does happen is that a couple of cockneys get metaphysical on the collective backsides of the audience and pull off something worthwhile. It's not the best movie you'll ever see, in fact it's pretty easy to spot how it's going to play out from the start, but if you send your expectations down the nuclear sub (pub) and put your plates (feet) up with a bowl of earwax (snacks), you could probably persuade 'er indoors (betrothed / spouse / partner) to watch it with you.
Total Recall (2012)
Not as good as the original, but nowhere near as bad as I expected.
Usually I hate remakes, this one managed to stay on my good side. The landscape was different, but seemed more of an homage to Blade Runner than anything else, so all I could do was forgive that on the grounds of shared appreciation.
The major difference between this and the original was the absence of Martian aspect of the story, but again, the movie didn't suffer too much as a result.
Even the fact that they managed to reduce the rating from 18 to 12 (PG 13) didn't seem to make a whole heap of difference to the movie.
On the whole, this version had a much quicker pace, which I guess you need if you want to sustain the attention of twelve/thirteen year olds, but there were enough nods to the original to ensure grumpy old men like me were reassured it knew its place in the pecking order.
In this instance, you'll be pleased to hear, I shall not be submitting this review to Comic Book Guy's "Worst Movie Ever" blog.