sifort2012's Reviews

Fear the Walking Dead (2015–2023)

4/10

non existent characters in an empty world

5 October 2015

i just finished watching the last episode of this and it really doesn't deserve the 'walking dead' part of its title, this has nothing to do with the walking dead universe. it feels like a completely different zombie program and to have in the credits that its based in some way on the walking dead comics is just silly.

there is no definition to any of the characters so you don't care about any of them, and of course they continuously do stupid things, and it seems no one has ever seen a zombie film.

seriously if me and my mates were watching the news and some dead guy got back up and could only be dropped by a shot to the head it would be a case of 'oh dear, its the zombie apocalypse, time to get guns and food and head to the ocean.

none of the characters in this do anything really, they just put it down to some illness. NOT JUST ILL....ZOMBIES!!! i stuck through to the last episode just to see what payoff they would give and there's a brief bit of hoard action but the whole 6 episodes would have made a much better 90 minute one off program.

it really doesn't deserve another series.

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Hate Crime (2012)

3/10

could have been good...but wasn't.

17 July 2014

Warning: Spoilers

I love horror films, im OK with lots of shaky cam and im a big fan of home invasion films. which made hate crime a definite must see for me.

within 20 minutes I realised it was going to be hard work watching this all the way through, not because it was disturbing or difficult to watch on moral grounds, no... because it was boring as hell and had a lot going on that was just stupid.

its a nice Jewish families dinner, I think for the kids birthday. luckily for the viewer dad is videoing everything. there's a knock at the door and 3 masked guys with swastika tattoos burst in and shout lots of nasty stuff.

they then proceed to shoot the kid (which was a surprise) then rape the mum (remembering to put her knickers back on afterwards)then shout a lot and tie everyone else up with the most pathetically easy to get out of knot in movie history.

this was the first 20 minutes, the next hour was just more shouting, with a brief bit of nastiness near the end (they poke out one of the kids eyes with a spoon then set him on fire and stuff him in the oven) but the nastiness doesn't distract you from the knowledge that what your watching just isn't very good.

I wasn't shocked when it finished, I was just numb from the repetitiveness of it all. and pleased I didn't have to ever watch it again.

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Extant (2014–2015)

3/10

complete waste of talent, time and money

10 July 2014

wow, I was eagerly awaiting this from the trailers. halle berry is usually good and the production design looked pretty high budget, the whole thing looked really good to start with... then the characters started speaking and it all went downhill from there.

professional scientists and astronauts do not act like the characters in this show. they don't act in a really stupid manner, they don't hide really important and relevant info from everyone, they don't be rude and ignorant to potential investors.

I'm not going to give any story away because the characters are so false I completely lost interest in whatever it was the writers/producers were aiming for. so I failed to get what the story was.

all I got from it was annoyance at everyone's actions, from Halle berry's astronaut who doesn't tell anyone the really really important and strange thing that happened in space, to her husband, who acts like a high and mighty spoilt idiot in front of the people he wants to finance his robot child program. within 20 minutes I hated them all.

I advise people to not bother with this boring badly written nonsense.

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Wer (2013)

8/10

unexpectedly excellent

17 March 2014

found this film by accident, watched it knowing nothing about it and I was totally hooked. a brutal murder of some tourists in the French countryside sets the story up, with a local man being arrested for it.

the film follows the accused defence team as they unearth what really went on during the murders and things get horribly out of control in a very gory and brutal manner.

there's not much originality in this film, its like a cross between 'rec', 'underworld' and 'American werewolf in London' but it doesn't have to be original to kick ass.

hunt it down and check it out.

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Oldboy (2013)

5/10

a well made, well acted complete waste of time

12 February 2014

if this film was called anything other than oldboy I probably would have given it a 7, but it cant hide from the fact that's its a remake of a far far superior film.

the actors all do a good job, sam Jackson is obviously having fun being bad and josh brolin gives good anguish.

technically everythings all good, its well shot,its got good production design etc. the editing however is truly bad, and that's not from a subjective viewpoint but a basic ability to tell a story sort of way. some times its so choppy I got the feeling it was just a loose rough assembly.

it doesn't even avoid the more twisted aspects of the original but by the time your meant to care its to late because its just a poor rerun of something better.

it felt like ordering a beer and getting served warm pi55. from a distance it looks like beer but on closer inspection you really don't want to be drinking it.

watch the original instead, or if you cant read subtitles watch this one.

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Dracula 3D (2012)

4/10

Pointless retread of the Dracula story

16 March 2013

I love about 3/4 of argentos films, they are surreal classics of the horror and gore genre, but when he messes a film up he really messes it up. This version of the Dracula story follows all the basics, Jon harper comes to draculas castle, he gets seduced by the resident sexy vampire then van helsing turns up and cleans up the vampire problem. alas its told with such flatness and lack of originality that its boring as hell. the cgi is woefully bad, the acting is even worse (except for rutger). and a giant preying mantis scene is full on laugh out loud funny. its lacking in style, pace and, other than 1 very gory scene, violence. the only thing argento has done that is worse than this is giallo. which should tell you all you need to know . your best bet is to hunt down the one gory scene and give the rest of the film a miss. sorry dario but i think its time to retire.

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Community (2012)

2/10

Stupid People Doing Stupid Things

14 March 2013

A couple of bad actors (sorry, amateur film makers) are making a film about a dodgy estate which seems to be occupied entirely of pot heads and their feral kids. one of the film makers has a secret which she still keeps to herself even when things start going wrong, which was really annoying. and thats about it really. all the characters are just stupid or psychotic. the films attempt to make some sort of social commentary falls flat. the script doesn't seem to know where its going and all it does is get gradually more stupid. i had to fast forward through the 2nd half because i was so damn bored. don't bother. this gives British horror films a really bad name. boring and pointless with no sex, gore or proper violence. a total failure on all counts.

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The Tall Man (2012)

8/10

It is a horror film, just not martyrs

30 July 2012

I've read reviews of this going on about how its not a horror film, well it is. i think the problem is, is its not martyrs. it must have been tough following one of the greatest horror films of recent years and instead of trying to out do himself the director has taken a different yet still very dark route to scare the pants off people. its got missing possibly horribly murdered children and a sense of dread that definitely goes beyond a mere 'dark thriller'. i cant say anything about the plot other than the children thing because it twists and turns so much i wouldn't want to help anyone guess what was going on but the acting, writing and direction are top notch and this is definitely one of the better horror films I've seen in the last year.

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Zivot i smrt porno bande (2009)

4/10

nothing new, nothing shocking

27 January 2011

i was quite excited about watching this with a lot of reviewers saying it was better than a Serbian film which came out at the same sort of time. so i watched both in the same week and this one just doesn't cut it.

i wasn't engaged by the characters, their choices seemed stupid and the bad things that happen towards the end didn't shock or ram home any sort of point that hasn't been done better elsewhere.

there was just no interest in watching a gang of poor serbians wander the country in a van having sex in front of farmers.

the acting is below standard, the script rambles and the last hope of sex and violence is a waste of time.

watch 'a Serbian film' (uncut) instead.

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A Serbian Film (2010)

9/10

unspeakably out of order and violent

21 January 2011

Serbian film is one of those films that makes all that has gone before it (in terms of violent cinema) seem redundant. yes saw 1 -7 are gory as hell but not even close to what this has to offer. yes irreversible is hard work in parts but stick that in with paedophilia, snuff films, really nasty machete wielding, some incest and a bit of rusty pipe abuse and, well, it just gets worse and worse in front of your eyes and you have to either walk away or stick with it and suffer later.

i suggest sticking with it, you wont be able to talk to anyone about it afterwards in public cos you'll probably get arrested and you wont need to see it again because you wont be forgetting it in a hurry.

i cant wait to see the film that beats this in terms of out of orderness.

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Let Me In (I) (2010)

5/10

a well made but pointless remake

18 January 2011

strictly for people who either cant read or people who cant be bothered to read subtitles, this remake of 'let the right one in' is well acted, reasonably well rewritten and nicely shot. but, it adds nothing to the original other than a bit more blood. each major scene (other than the most important reveal, which is totally ignored) is recreated for the American audience in the cinematic equivalent of really big capital letters.

basically if you have seen the superior original don't bother with this, if you haven't seen the original watch it rather than this. unless you cant read in which case this is the version for you.

pointless.

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The Uninvited (2009)

2/10

the most pointless remake I've ever seen

20 July 2010

sorry but i hated this film, the original film it is a remake of , 'a tale of two sisters' is my favourite non gory horror film so i guess this was always going to have a hard job delivering the goods.

the whole point of the film is signposted from the start, there are no surprises other than the fact that a relatively high budget film could be so soul less. the two main girls are OK as actresses but they are lumbered with a script that feels like a nancy drew adventure with dead people. also when remaking a classic its probably a good idea to incorporate some of the best scenes from the original but alas no sack beatings here, no chemistry between the girls and no threat from the step mum. there have been remakes as bad as this (sorority row, black Christmas etc) but none of them made me as annoyed as this one.

bottom line, don't waste your time, watch the original instead, even if you don't like subtitles, American remakes of Japanese films suck.

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The Horde (2009)

10/10

a bloody good zombie film

29 August 2009

i saw this at frightfest and it was a bit special, it might be because of the size of the screen (massive) or that it was a packed house, but it could be because it was so good.

a bunch of coppers go to kill off a bunch of gangsters and for no apparent reason, well nothing was explained, the world suddenly goes to pot and there's a lot of mad psycho zombies out to kill and eat everyone.

the coppers and the gangsters form an uneasy alliance and the rest of film is not stop violence, gore and a bit more violence.

these arn't romeros zombies by a long shot, there fast and a single bullet to the head doesn't do much. a shotgun tends to do the trick though.

its rammed full of cool set pieces and the odd bit of humour. (the old guy doing his anti zombie bit with a big axe and an even bigger machine gun is pretty funny.

its french its a zombie film, think frontieres crossed with day of the dead on crack and your near to what this film is like.

god knows when its coming out on general release but make sure you see this at the cinema.

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Gnaw (II) (2008)

1/10

good gore, really bad script

1 August 2009

i watched this based on the poster and for the fact that i like checking out low budget uk horror films.

its awful, its shot OK but the script feels like the first draft of a script writing student. whoever read it and said to the film makers 'thats good, shoot that' should be shot.

the poor actors have to wander around either spouting meaningless nonsense or obvious exposition, the story hits all the beats that the books teach you to hit when writing a horror film but thats not enough to make a film work. its boring, the characters are all stereotypical to the point of nausea and its only positive point is that the make up fx guy should get some work from it.

avoid, even if its on the TV.

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Terminator Salvation (2009)

7/10

great fun but mcg is a liar

24 June 2009

great mindless explosive fun for post apocalyptic war film heads, but as a terminator film it lacks character (which is sort of understandable because we already know about john conner and kyle Reese.)

it feels like about half an hour of story has been ripped out to make it one big long action sequence. which makes it better than terminator 3 (which had nothing going for it except the last 15 minutes) but its not a patch on t1 or 2.

the only truly annoying thing about the film is mcg, leading up to the release he wouldn't shut up about how the film was not being put together with a rating in mind then when it comes out he changes direction and says he cut out a couple of bits to make it a pg13.

mcg your a lier and a tw*t, but you make pretty good action films.

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Doomsday (I) (2008)

8/10

wicked gory fast paced and fun

9 May 2008

If you are looking for a sensible look at the effects of a virus outbreak and what happens to the people who survive it... don't go and see this.

if, however, your favourite films are mad max 2, escape from new york and apocalypse now, and you have a really dark sense of humour you really should be watching this twice a day. its got everything, car chases, decapitations, dismemberment, rabbit abuse, cow abuse, large pointy stick abuse, beatings, burnings, cannibal feasts, Adam and the ants music, psycho punks, gimps tied to the front of trucks, really big helicopters, axe deaths, close range shotgun abuse to the head, and....malcomn McDowell.

i mean what more do you need out of a film.

the only reason i didn't give it a 10 is because it should have been longer.

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The Breed (2006)

1/10

one of the lamest 'horror' films ever made

29 April 2007

i watched this film expecting an easy hour and a half in b movie land. instead i got to watch something that wouldn't have felt out of place on TV at 6 in the evening, michelle rodrieguez is the only reason to watch this as she is the only competent actor out of the lot, the dogs all seemed very happy to be there and came across about as threatening as lassie, there was no structure to the story (and i really like weird art films with no structure but this is not an art film). i would say the effects and gore were alright except that there wasn't any, oh and all the characters act in the most stupid way possible, its another case of people in peril that have never watched a horror film in their life and always do the wrong thing, predictably.

i would suggest watching paint dry above watching this mess, at least the predictability isn't as painful.

don't go near this film.

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The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning (2006)

7/10

the 2nd best chainsaw film?

12 October 2006

I've been a Texas chainsaw fanatic since i saw the original (when i was about 8) and all the sequels obviously tried hard (except the one with Bridget Jones in which was an utter waste of time) but ultimately failed to be worthy of following up such a classic. the remake was OK, it looked great and had some quality violence but didn't really hit the spot.

but when i had finished watching this one (a prequel to a remake?) I've got to say i was very impressed, of course it had problems. the odd character didn't seem to have much of a purpose other than to die horribly and scared teenage girls still have that tendency to walk towards the screams of pain rather than leg it, but the grimness and violence of it all was pretty much relentless. there was no crap attempts at humour (other than the 'sherrif' but thats laughing at how out of order he is) and once it gets going it doesn't stop until the abrupt ending.

it looks great, the violence is above and beyond what you expect to see at a cinema (i don't know all the cuts made to the us version but the UK version seems to be about 8mins longer) and it felt like i was watching something that deserved to have 'texas chainsaw massacre' in the title.

if you like horror and gore films you should have a great time, go see.

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