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Closer (I) (2004)
7/10
Most misleading tag line ever
3 August 2017
"If you believe in love at first sight, you'll never stop looking."

This is a fine film but certainly not about love at all. The marketing was incredibly misleading. A tough, angry but intelligent film written by former Steve Coogan collaborator Patrick Marber. Excellent performances. But don't expect to go away happy. It's not a date movie.
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8/10
Dawson's Crack
12 October 2003
In common with the decent 1987 Bret Easton Ellis novel, which like this, begins and ends mid-sentence and features a blank page as well as a chapter written entirely in French, this movie makes itself vulnerable to charges of pretension. The reversed film technique is certainly overused in the early scenes and the entire film is restless with a boundless energy and enthusiasm throughout which might wear out older members of the audience (see reviews in The Guardian/Observer).

But any such concerns quickly dissipate. As an energetic, dynamic and memorable depiction of the hedonistic excesses and debauchery of a shallow drug-fuelled US college campus existence, Rules of Attraction, not only finally establishes former Tarantino collaborator Roger Avary as a formidable talent in his own right. It is also by a narrow margin (after the disappointing Less than Zero and Mary Harron's impressive American Psycho) the best Easton Ellis adaptation yet.

A bizarre amalgam of Larry Clark's 'Kids' and 'Saved By the Bell: The College Years', Rules of Attraction even attempts to rob the audience of its collective innocence by presenting much loved teen stars of the recent past in situations even the most depraved viewer could never have imagined. Witness the American Pie regular Thomas Ian Nicholas being assaulted by an enraged narcotics dealer. Fred 'Kevin from The Wonder Years' Savage injecting heroin between his toes. And the sight of James Van Der Beek's hard, angst-ridden face as he angrily conquers a fellow student will give many Dawson's Creek fans nightmares for weeks to come.

Although updated to the early 21st century, Eighties musical classics are also used to powerful effect, never less so than during the heartbreaking scene featuring the usually cheesy 'Without You' once sung by Canadian banshee Celine Dion.

There are many high points (no pun intended). Victor's (Kip Pardue's) Kerouac-esque condensed monologue of his drug and sex filled European tour is brilliantly realised on the screen. Russell Sams' entire performance as the Jack Daniels-loving, and keenly homosexual 'Dick' is a comic master class.
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Ascent of the English Murder
7 August 2003
Warning: Spoilers
(Spoilers)

Chilling dramatisation of the post-war murders of John Christie, a London clerk, who not only successfully killed a fellow tenant's wife and child but successfully framed the same simple-minded Welshman Timothy Evans for the murders, before going on to commit still more.

The performances are uniformly excellent. Attenborough, almost unrecognisable to those who only know him as Father Christmas in 'Miracle on 34th Street' or the befuddled tycoon in 'Jurassic Park' is terrifying as the mundane but malevolent Christie. Perhaps only his role as the tyrannical Pinkie in 'Brighton Rock' has been as compelling. Although unavoidably a bit short to play Christie he gives a perfect performance matched only by a young John Hurt as the tragic fantasist Evans. The banality of Austerity Britain is no less vividly recaptured.

It is impossible for a British viewer to watch 10 Rillington Place now without being reminded of the more recent and still more terrible Cromwell Street murders. But, more than thirty years on, the film remains a chilling reminder not only of the unspeakable evil that can exist within everyday surroundings but also of the dangers of instituting a state death penalty. Ludovic Kennedy's book was influential in securing the end of Britain's death penalty in the sixties. 10 Rillington Place remains a stark warning to all who seek the return of the gallows as an easy answer to Britain's crime problems.
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Belle and Sebastian (1981–1982)
Fantastically dull
3 July 2003
They say childhood lasts forever. It certainly often seemed that way when this interminable cartoon series was screened on Children's BBC in the Eighties.

The premise was simple. Belle was a large furry white dog, a cross between Digby and Stephen King's Cujo. Sebastian was a socially maladjusted village boy. Sebastian befriended Belle (who lived in the mountains) and would ride upon his back for fun and generally lark about.

The local villagers, however, were generally a bit reactionary and Jean de Florette-esque, disapproved of this relationship and attempted to shoot the dog. Sadly, they never succeeded.

That was it - stretched over numerous episodes. Unlike Dogtanian and Willy Fogg, Belle and Sebastian didn't even have a catchy theme tune to redeem it. Poor, even if the cool Nineties indy band did take their name from it.
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Urban Moths
13 January 2003
Based entirely on a true story, The Mothman Prophecies opens with a spectacular outer space sfx extravaganza as the mighty space cocoon transporting the thousand legions of Mothmen from the planet Moth-Ra, breaks up in the heat from our sun. Their sanctuary cruelly destroyed, the Mothmen helplessly pour out into space. Hundreds burn up on entering the Earth's atmosphere. Only one - the Mothman of the title (Tim Curry) survives, drifting down into a remote town in small-town America.

Enter: retired pest controller John Klein (Richard Gere - in his funniest role since 'Red Corner'). Initially reluctant to have anything to do with insects after he his failure to combat an attack on the town by a giant crab led to the death of several residents ten years before, Klein overcomes his fears after complaints of a giant moth circling around neon lights are made by several local night-club owners who fear loss of commercial revenue from the signs being obscured.

Some of the most enjoyable scenes arise from the Mothman's prophecies themselves. Speaking only in his own unique moth language, the Mothman predicts a range of future events including the relative decline in screen actor Kevin Costner's movie career, the ultimate failure of Newt Gingrich's 'Contract With America' to the premature cancellation of acclaimed teen drama 'My So Called Life' (the film, based on true events, is set in 1994).

Perhaps inevitably, however, the Mothman grows to be a nuisance, leading to the erection of a giant light-bulb in the centre of the town into which he is fatally drawn to his death. I've never actually seen this film, but I'd certainly recommend it. Out of 100, I give it: 83.224756291
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Spider-Man (2002)
Two legs bad, eight legs good
24 June 2002
Although only nominally based on it's original source material (Manuel Puig's 'Kiss of the Spider Woman') this new film has much to commend it. Dealing with the often harrowing and sadly all too common story of human-arachnid transformation Tobey MacGuire plays Peter Parker, the High School nerd who is transformed into a superhero with spider-like abilities (eating flies, laying eggs etc.) after an everyday visit to a science lab goes awry - with hilarious consequences!

The film is generally very entertaining and has a fine cast. MacGuire gives easily his best performance since his Grange Hill days. Equally Kirsten Dunst (Bring it Up, Get it Off) gives a performance comparable to her memorable debut in Tim Rice's 'Interview With A Virgin' even if her character does seem a bit stupid not to connect Spiderman with Parker's new found arachnid acrobatics performed at High School. Willem Dafoe is similarly strong as the Green Goblin despite becoming sadly typecast. His character - a billionaire tycoon tormented by a malevolent Hyde-like alternate persona is practically a straight reprisal of the Vietnam vet 'Sgt. Elias' and 'Jesus' characters he played in Platoon and Monty Python's Last Temptation of Christ respectively. Overall though, certainly the best film I've yet to see this year so far.

If you like this film I'd also recommend Jeff Goldblum in David Cronenberg's Cold War classic 'The Fly Who Came In From the Cold' (1988).
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Crossroads (I) (2002)
An Utter Travesty
13 May 2002
Whereas Stephen Frears skilful relocation of Nick Hornby's ‘High Fidelity' from it's original North London setting to the US was largely successful, director Tamra Davies' decision to do the same in this adaptation of the popular West Midlands-based TV soap, almost totally fails to capture the character of the original. Not only is the hotel backdrop which formed the life-blood of the series almost entirely jettisoned in favour of a lame teen road movie story-line, but popular characters such as Benny and Miss Diane are supplanted by a bevy of teens, presumably cast with a view to attracting the crucial American under-25 audience. Fans of American culture and the popular singer ‘Britney Spears' who most British audiences will know only from her lone English hit ‘Ooh aah just a little bit' some years back will no doubt love this. But for those expecting a shrewd recreation of the soap opera, Crossroads will mark a serious disappointment.
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From Hell (2001)
A Ripping Yarn
13 February 2002
This Hughes Bros. film opens upon a nightmarish London - a sort of Victorian Gotham in this - awash amidst a tide of prostitutes and sleaze. At times, however, the movie seems almost on the point of drowning amidst 19th century cliché. I was half-expecting to see a few child chimney sweeps, Count Dracula sloping past or a farmer tolling a bell and shouting 'Wives for sale!' to complete the somewhat overblown dystopian portrait

Ultimately 'From Hell' is passable entertainment but falls dramatically short of classic status. The underlying conspiracy theory: that the Whitechapel murders were a grandiose conspiracy concocted (I simplify) by a combination of Queen Victoria, the Freemasons and the Elephant Man takes some swallowing as does Heather Graham's cockney accent which makes her sound like the missing link between Dick Van Dyke and the dodgy Australian guys who used to play Daphne Moon's 'English' boyfriends on Frasier.

That said, hers is not a bad performance and there is good acting aplenty to be seen here notably Ian Richardson as a particularly moronic bastion of the Mafia of the Mediocre, Coltrane as a Victorian Cracker and Depp himself who is as decent as always as the junkie. His accent is actually pretty spot on (speaking as a limey myself) though as some have noted a bit 'below stairs' for a middle class officer of the law.

Adapted from the 'graphic novel' written by the Great Bearded Ayatollah of British comics Alan Moore, 'From Hell' is ultimately something of a disappointment. Despite a French cameo UK TV audiences will recognise, it all ends fairly corny and I left feeling I'd learnt nothing reliable about the Ripper case. But until Halo Jones, V for Vendetta or D.R. and Quinch hit the silver screen (unlikely) Moore fans will just have to make the most of this decidedly average picture.
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Enigma (2001)
7/10
All this and World War II...
2 October 2001
Warning: Spoilers
Some of the British critics have been a bit sniffy about Enigma, but in truth, while it has something of the mood of a Sunday teatime drama and is hardly likely to wow hordes of US audiences, it's nevertheless a perfectly competent and enjoyable adaptation of Robert Harris's decent World War Two thriller. It's wartime setting also seems unexpectedly timely in the light of the current international crisis.

SPOILER PARAGRAPH: Particular criticism has focused on the ending. Some have charged that it is offensive that the ultimate villain is revealed to be a traitorous Pole, when in reality, the Polish played an invaluable role in the codebreaking at Bletchley Park. Possibly more should have been made of the Polish contribution to this aspect of the British war effort, but if so, this is the fault of Harris's novel, not this film. One also should remember this is only intended to be a story. The traitor's nationality provides a clever motive for his actions; namely, that he is motivated by animosity to Britain's wartime ally Stalinist Russia rather than Germany, the massive and crucial wartime contribution of the USSR always an uncomfortable truth of the Allies supposed ‘war of democracy'. The book and film also exploit the true story of the Enigma machine, far more tactfully than the recent U571 did.

Performance-wise, the wondrous Kate Winslet, though deliberately dowdier than usual, is still far more beautiful than the blond skeleton playing Claire Romilly and gives a typically excellent performance. Dougray Scott is also decent as upper-lower-middle-class hero Tom Jericho. Ultimate acting honours must, however, go to Jeremy Northam for his superb performance as the villainous Wigram. His performance is superlative in whichever scene he's in. He's also camper than a field of boy scouts.
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Here be dragons...
29 September 2001
Jurassic Park III is ultimately a pleasant surprise in a generally disappointing summer. It is not exactly high art nor is it hugely memorable. But it is generally fairly entertaining and much better than we had reason to expect after the lumbering pea-brained monstrosity that was The Lost World. Odd, as that was a Spielberg venture while this one is directed by the relatively unknown Joe Johnston.

One real criticism: The end is sudden and botched. It's as if the director lost either all inspiration or ran out of money.

No classic then and not even as good as the original, but not bad, largely thanks to the pterodactyls and presence of Tea Leoni and the Mighty William H Macy.
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Moulin Rouge! (2001)
8/10
Here we are now. Entertain Us.
23 September 2001
My first thought on seeing Moulin Rouge was that it marks such a definitive break from the deluge of mediocrity that has generally characterised the films of 2001 thus far, that the makers of such dirge as Tomb Raider should bow down and genuflect before Baz Luhrmann, their new God. The man is clearly a genius. Visually, Moulin Rouge is like nothing anyone has ever seen before. The mixture of contemporary and older songs in the turn of the century setting in the first half hour is breathtaking. After this, Romeo and Juliet and Strictly Ballroom, Baz is surely one of the greats of our time (as well as the campest film-maker since John Waters).

However, Moulin Rouge is not without flaw. The finale is essentially at the start. It opens brilliantly (after a bit of scene setting) and thereafter gets slowly worse. It's never remotely bad and there's great stuff throughout most of its running time, but my attention was slightly wavering by the end and it's perhaps a tad too long.

Yet it's still great and one of the few essential viewings of 2001. Ewan and Nicole can both sing and surprisingly the Scotsman is perhaps the better vocalist of the two. I particularly enjoyed the amusing rendition of 'Like a Virgin'. It's certainly the gayest film since 'Top Gun' was released.
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5/10
Close. But no banana.
23 September 2001
Perhaps there's no such thing as a bad Tim Burton film, but Planet of the Apes comes perilously close. Visually the make-up is generally impressive – the overall effect of seeing so many simian humanoids at once is quite overpowering, even if most of the set-design is pretty unimaginative.

Tim Roth's performance as a sort of Richard III ape is perhaps the most memorable – his strangulated restless manner is reminiscent of the mortally wounded Mr Orange in Reservoir Dogs (although he wasn't a monkey). Bonham Carter is also impressive in a decisive departure from her flowery Merchant Ivory image. Only the make-up lets her down – her visage seems to have been tampered with in an ultimately futile attempt to make her look her like an attractive ape. This fails. On the other hand, Estella Warren's Daena is far too much like a supermodel to look like a convincing native girl.

So why does Planet of the Apes fail? Here are some ideas.

1) Why do the humans on the planet speak? In the original film and the novella there was a direct human-apes reversal situation – the humans could not speak or communicate anymore effectively than monkeys can on Earth. That was why the arrival of Heston's character stirred the waters. Here the humans are clearly ruled over by the apes, but given their supposed ‘mastery of technology' which the apes lack, there seems no real reason why the apes should be so dominant.

Burton seems to be striving for a civil rights parallel. Roth's ape even misquotes the reactionary Senator Barry Goldwater at one point. But this paradox still makes little sense.

2) Too much of the dialogue is banal or just stupid. There are a number of signs the film is rushed.

3) The ‘comedy' orang-utan is annoying.

4) Wahlberg is no action hero. He got away with it playing a porn actor but not here.

5) The ending seems to be an attempt to echo that of the novella. Yet that made sense. This one doesn't. It is not clever, just inexplicable. I HEREBY DEFY ANYONE ON THESE PAGES TO EXPLAIN THE ENDING SATISFACTORILY! It's impossible - it's nonsensical.

Overall, not a disaster, but highly disappointing.
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Sexy Beast (2000)
7/10
What's in a name?
19 July 2001
After all the dross produced in the name of the post-Lock Stock British gangster film industry at last a good movie has been made: Jonathan Glazer's Sexy Beast. (The only other exceptions would be Gangster No.1 and Guy Ritchie's own highly Lock Stock-esque Snatch).

From the brilliant opening scene to the last Sexy Beast is littered with masterful surrealistic touches. Although Ray Winstone gives a career best performance as Gary - the retired gangster who just wants to be left alone in his utopian Mediterranean idyll, it is true Ben Kingsley somewhat steals the show. As Don he is as hilarious as he is terrifying. In a unique performance which owes nothing De Niro or Pesci or indeed anything I've seen him play before (certainly a far cry from Gandhi!) Kingsley illuminates every scene he is in as a monster of cockney menace. British TV star Ian McShane is also convincingly malevolent as the ambidextrous Teddy Bass and James Fox also shines in a fleeting appearance.

Unlike so many British directors Glazer is genuinely cinematic - using the screen to the full, particularly in the opening sequence. He is certainly a talent to watch even if Sexy Beast made less of a splash commercially than hoped.

One quibble - like Grosse Point Blank and Boston Kickout, Sexy Beast is lumbered with an inappropriate and poorly chosen name. But don't be put off - if you want a Brit gangster flick in the spirit of Get Carter or The Long Good Friday then this is for you.
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3/10
The Girl is Not Enough
17 July 2001
Clearly it is not in dispute that Miss Jolie as Lara is a truly arresting and very fetching Buffy-esque Uber babe, but even so: this is a dull, dull film. I forgot most of it even before I left the cinema.

What is it with blockbusters these days? Call me a nostalgic old duffer but in the 80s they used to be genuinely original and entertaining. Think: Back to the Future, Aliens, Ghostbusters, Star Wars and sequels, The Terminator etc. There were duds as well as course, but except for Starship Troopers and T2 I cannot think of any blockbuster of similar calibre in the last decade. There is an imaginative vacuum at the core of Hollywood.

Shower scenes aside, I only really perked up once - during the sub-Ray Harryhausen 'statues coming to life' bit. But even this proved a let-down. Lara merely shot them.

Apart from Jon Voigt's embarrassing American excess of sentimentalism cameo, Tomb Reader is not generally terrible to watch and Angelina in garb is certainly pleasing to behold. But a fit girl in shorts is not enough to make a film. Make a decent blockbuster Hollywood and surprise us all!
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The Yards (2000)
Technically good. Actually dull.
20 June 2001
The Yards has much to commend it. Excellent acting from a fine young cast - Wahlberg, Theron and Phoenix as well as from a few old veterans - James Caan, Burstyn and Dunaway. The script is also not bad.

There's also plenty fun to be had for film buffs in spotting the Godfather references - Caan who once played Sonny Corleone, is now a Vito figure, listening sagely in the study to requests for help from Theron. The opening familial celebration and the later tense hospital scene also echo the 70s classic. There's also more than a touch of Michael about Phoneix's character.

Yet somehow it's not enough. Maybe I am too harsh - usually I'm the first to recommend good scripting and acting over the usual Hollywood special effects and intellectual vacuousness. But ultimately I think it is the story which is lacking that vital something. We have been here before too often. We can generally see vaguely how the story will go from the outset. (eg. Will the released Wahlberg stick to the straight and narrow? Probably not). Something more is needed and really I could ultimately only recommend this to a TV viewer - it is not quite compelling enough to warrant a visit to either the cinema or video shop.
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6/10
Homage to Cephallonia.
22 May 2001
Warning: Spoilers
(Spoilers throughout) Am I alone in thinking this film in many ways improves upon an excellent, if flawed, novel? Make no mistake: DeBernieres' book is a modern classic, but it has two major weaknesses – one aesthetic, another of historical accuracy. This film nobly addresses both of these.

1) Captain Corelli's Mandolin is an excellent and moving novel. The idyllic pre-war life of the natives is vividly and touchingly depicted. The subsequent horrors of war are thus all the more harrowing when they finally arrive.

For all that, DeBernieres singularly fails to create a satisfactory conclusion. The last hundred pages or so detailing the intricacies of Pelagia's post-war existence are not uninteresting in themselves but seem banal indeed compared to the stirring drama that has come before. It is essentially a Second World War novel and should have ended with Corelli's departure from the island, or at least, soon after. The concluding chapters add nothing to the novel – DeBernieres should have been more ruthless and ended the story as soon as the main action stopped. The Great Escape would not have been improved by a concluding section about the surviving character's lives in the post-war decades and nor is this.

Commendably, the film improves upon this weakness. Now Corelli returns, soon after the war's end. This is a decided improvement on the novel where an ageing Corelli does not return – inexplicably – until fifty years later! It is thus far too late for him and Pelagia to get together and provides a wholly unsatisfactory outcome to the novel.

2) The novel is also undermined by a serious historical misrepresentation of the Greek anti-Nazi resistance movement, notably the organisation ELAS who Mandras falls in with. In the book, these are portrayed as Stalinist demagogues, more interested in the propagation of a narrow interpretation of Marxist dogma and political infighting with the British Allies, than genuinely resisting the Nazis. After the war, they are portrayed as practically being akin to the Nazi terror they supplant:

‘…in Cephallonia the Communists began to deport awkward characters to concentration camps…Hitler would have been proud of such assiduous pupils.' (p442).

As DeBernieres now grudgingly admits, in this respect, he got his research badly wrong. Although I am no expert on wartime Greece, by all accounts, ELAS played an active and constructive role in combating the Nazis. The film rectifies DeBernieres' error, showing Mandras and the other guerrillas fighting the Nazis side by side with the Italians. This does involve a fairly major alteration in the novel's story line, however – Mandras's attempt at rape and subsequent death thus do not occur here, nor do any of his guerrilla experiences which are detailed throughout the middle stages of the book.

There were other changes in the film that I was less keen on, however. The role of the Italian soldier Carlo, who plays a fairly major part in the novel, is here almost wholly omitted, presumably because of fears that his homosexuality would offend the crucial American market. His gesture in saving Corelli from the firing squad is thus largely inexplicable, except as – rather lamely – a benevolent sacrifice towards Pelagia.

On the other hand, CCM is such a long and complex novel that one can forgive the film makers for not transcribing every aspect of the book to the screen. Film is a different medium to literature. The unfairly hostile critical reception this film has received suggests far too many expected a carbon copy of the novel to be revealed on film. (And as Madden also directed the generally awful but highly overrated Shakespeare in Love perhaps this evens the score somewhat).

That said, the film is not perfect. I am not convinced Cage was the ideal Captain Corelli. The depiction of village life does come across fairly whimsically and compares poorly to the portrayal of European rural life in the 1940s in Jean De Florette. Although I've said changes from the book are not bad per se, some of the changes – the date of the earthquake from 1953 to 1947 seemed rather pointless. But generally ignore the pedants. The film would not be improved either by a) forcing the cast to learn and speak their character's native languages and subtitling throughout or b) correcting such 'inaccuracies' as the Italians occupying the island for two years (er - they did) or b) depicting Abyssinian style atrocities committed by the Italian forces on the island (none recorded). While not quite in the class of other Second World War classics like Empire of the Sun, Schindler's List or The Bridge on the River Kwai, this is generally a good film.
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The Contender (2000)
6/10
No masterpiece - President Lebowski Abides
28 April 2001
Warning: Spoilers
It is strange given Jeff Bridges' long and varied career that his portrayal of US President Jackson Evans is less reminiscent of Bill Clinton than of a slightly smartened up version of Jeff ‘The Dude' Lebowski. This impression is perhaps deliberately strengthened by the inclusion of an otherwise irrelevant White House ten pin bowling scene and the casting of Sam Elliot (who played the barfly narrator of the Coen brothers' film) as his White House chief of staff.

Overall though, the performances are the strongest thing in this flawed but not unenjoyable political thriller. In particular, Gary Oldman is truly outstanding as the Kenneth Starr-like evil reactionary Shelly Runyon, truly inhabiting a role which he seemed a far from obvious choice for. Otherwise, Joan Allen is suitably martyr-like as the accused Senator – if perhaps somewhat too worthy too be true in these cynical times. Bridges makes for an amusingly laid back chief executive, certainly a vast improvement on the current mediocre real-life inhabitant of the White House. Only Christian Slater lets the side down in a superfluous role. The film itself is generally less convincing, however. From the outset the White House seems a much less vibrant centre of decision-making than the fictitious Bartlet White House depicted in the TV series The West Wing. Nevertheless, the story proves genuinely compelling throughout most of its running time, before descending into an orgy of sickening sentimentalising towards the end. Nobody could reasonably disagree with the key tenets of Allen's closing speech to her prosecutors, yet the tone is completely undermined by the cheesy ‘stirring' music imposed on the background. The same is true of Bridges' speech at the end.

PLOT SPOILERS AHEAD: The Contender veers between being overly naïve and overly cynical in turn. Would any modern leading politician relinquish the opportunity for high office, by refusing to challenge an accusation against him or her, which could so easily be proven to be false? But on the other hand is it any less implausible that a State Governor would pay a woman to drive off a bridge just so he could rescue her and bask in the resulting good publicity? (or that he could find anyone prepared to do this?).

Ultimately, The Contender misses the point. It shouldn't matter a jot if a girl was promiscuous at college – she should still be able to ascend to high office. The Contender fudges the issue by revealing the girl at the party in question to have been a different person. Even so, for all its flaws, politics junkies will still enjoy it and if you want to see Oldman's first Oscar-winning performance, go see. Overall: Six out of ten.
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Cast Away (2000)
No ship, Sherlock!
25 April 2001
Warning: Spoilers
Had mixed expectations about this one. Some reviews had compared it to Daniel Defoe's epic Robinson Crusoe. Others had said it was even more boring. In the end, it wasn't actually too bad although like Titanic, the opening scenes and the end were deadly dull – the end especially. Tom Hanks and Helen Hunt (whose names incidentally are both cockney rhyming slang) were both fine, Hanks particularly effective in the romantic attachment he developed towards a ball named ‘Wilson.'Some have suggested the ball should be given as Best Supporting Actornomination for its inscrutable performance. The plane crash was particularly scary. Hanks survived, but didn't even get a chance to choose a selection of songs, a book or a luxury before being washed up on the island.

Spoilers ahead: The ending was truly abyssmal. Hanks' relationship with Hunt had to be resolved in some way but the film seemed to completely run out of any inspiration once he came home (perhaps his plane home should have crashed as well!) Alternative ending: Hanks' apartment: The party over, Hanks – tired and thin contemplates his new life alone. The doorbell rings. Irritated, Hanks goes to answer it. He looks around: no one is there – or is there? Wilson the ball sits on the doorstep. He is wearing sun glasses and a sombrero and has a bouquet of flowers lying in front of him. Hanks smiles a mysterious smile and winks at the camera.
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Dogma (1999)
4/10
Not blasphemous - just bad.
24 April 2001
I badly wanted Dogma to be good. When I first heard Kevin Smith was doing a religious film and about the subsequent outrage this had provoked from the Church and the usual quarters, my heart leapt. I am a big Kevin Smith fan - from Clerks, his superb debut, the unfairly maligned Mallrats through to the enjoyable Chasing Amy, his work has been a constant boon to US independent cinema in recent years. Now was his chance to echo the comedic success on a religious theme of The Life of Brian and to repeat the controversy of Scorsese's Last Temptation of Christ.

Dogma is certainly full of amusing and witty ideas. What did Jesus do during the mysterious 'middle years' between twelve and thirty, upon which the Bible is silent? Why not have a priest proposing a new logo - a Jesus giving a thumbs-up sign - to replace the 'depressing' crucifix symbol? The Bible belt's predictable cries of blasphemy are unsurprisingly ill founded to. Dogma is overly deferential to Smith's Catholic Church if anything.

I want to see the film reminiscent of Chesterton and high satire on religion which some have alluded to. But the film I saw was a disastrous mess. The antics of Jay and Silent Bob (surely time to give these two a rest?) and Damon and Affleck's angels didn't mesh at all with the otherwise epic themes on show. Somehow I managed to ignore the film's numerous flaws for the most part until quite near the end. Alan Rickman's performance was terrible - I would say he was wholly unsuited to comedy had he not been so brilliant since in Galaxy Quest. He sounded like an American attempting an English accent (something of a feat as he is English). Then there was the general feeling that Smith was trying to make two ultimately irreconcilable movies - religious satire and Mallrats-style caper at once. But at some point - probably when the camera was lingering on bullets being fired into Affleck's angel wings - the horrible truth became unavoidable. Kevin Smith has made his first bad movie. And this is surely the greatest sin of all.
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Mallrats (1995)
7/10
Claire Forlani's best film! (apart from Basquiat)
24 April 2001
Was ever a film so unfairly maligned as Mallrats? Kevin Smith's follow-up to the sublime Clerks was savaged by the critics and went down like a lead balloon at the U.S box office. It didn't even get a cinematic release in Britain, where Time Out labelled it 'a depressing mess'. It is difficult to see why.

True, it suffers in comparison to Clerks, but then most comedies released in the last ten years do. I also personally found some of the occasional slapstick and crudity a bit much although compared to the recent lamentable spate of Farrelly brother comedies and their ilk this seems tame indeed.

The truth is that Mallrats is an enjoyable if hardly groundbreaking film, easily on a par with the much better received Chasing Amy and far superior to the diasatrous Dogma. The lack of cinema release in the U.K was in fact hardly a tragedy as (as the director freely admits) Kevin Smith's films are hardly very cinematic anyway. Comedy, Stan Lee, Star Wars discussions and the delightful Claire Forlani. What more could one want?
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Reality Bites (1994)
3/10
Pretty bad.
25 February 2001
The main problem with this generally abysmal attempt to translate early Nineties Generation X slacker attitudes to the big screen is the characters. The film essentially deals with Ryder's character `Lelaina's romantic dilemma as she decides whether to go for slacker `Troy' (Ethan Hawke)or MTV exec Michael (director Ben Stiller). For some reason we are clearly supposed to sympathise more with Troy than Michael. Yet Troy never comes across as anything other than a deeply pretentious bore, while Michael, whom we are presumably supposed to think is a malevolent yuppie, in fact comes across as a nice enough, perfectly decent chap. Troy continuously mocks Michael's supposed stupidity, yet we never see any evidence that he is any less intelligent than Troy. Despite answering the 'phone with quotes from Shakespeare Troy in fact seems pretty insecure intellectually, perhaps explaining why he constantly derides Michael. As a romantic comedy hero he has only his looks to commend him - a far cry from the characters Hawke portrayed so expertly in Dead Poet's Society and Before Sunrise. The only thing that would stop the audience rooting for Stiller over Hawke in the film is the fact that she and all the other characters are such shallow unlikeable characters. The terrible documentary that Stiller's character makes which so horrifies Ryder and ultimately forces her into Troy's arms, is in fact, exactly the sort of thing one would expect to appeal to someone like her. Another problem is summed up by the poster for the film, which shows all the characters standing in front of a brick wall. Daubed on the wall are various slogans summing up various issues affecting young people - trust, jobs, relationships, safe sex and inexplicably ' hey, that's my bike'. One can easily imagine the meeting where these issues were noted down cynically as ones to be used in the film. All are touched upon in an entirely perfunctory manner. One character thinks she has AIDS. She goes for a test. She doesn't - phew! Another issue ticked off the checklist. Reality Bites is full of actors who I like, but none - except perhaps Janeane Garofalo - emerge from the venture with any credit, least of all Stiller who directed the damn thing. If you want a taste of Generation X rent a Richard Linklater film or read a Douglas Coupland novel instead. Reality Bites is ultimately a truly terrible movie and should be consigned to the dustbin of history along with other supposedly profound works of rubbish like The Breakfast Club. But I don't think that sentence would have fitted on the poster.
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