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Backdoor to Chyna (2011)
Backdoor to Chyna is pretty crappy.
As a huge wrestling fan, I remember that Chyna use to be somebody that was strong as the Great Wall of China, while also beautiful like fine china AKA porcelain in the then pro-wrestling company, WWF AKA WWE. I wasn't a huge fan of her work, there, but she was somewhat importation to that business, and she was somewhat attractive. But that was long time ago, and now, she is an ex-pro wrestler who is pretty directionless. My most recent memory of Chyna is as a very fragile person struggling with addiction and maintaining an entertainment career with crappy VH1 shows appearances like 'Celebrity Rehab" & 'Surreal Life'. When I heard that Chyna has turn into a pornstar. I was deeply disappointed, while at the same time, interested in seeing what train wreck, this film can be. To her credit, she got jaw surgery, fake tits, and quit doing steroids so she's doesn't look like a shemale. So seeing her in the nude wasn't too bad looking, but she isn't cute, too. She has tits that look bruise and beat up. I think the right breast is a little caved in. She also has a huge scar on her stomach that looks like a C-section or something. To the best of my knowledge, I don't think she even had any kids. I think she had a cancerous tumor, taking out when she was a teenager. Still, I don't remember seeing this, during her wrestling days. Her vagina look like uncooked un-plunked goose head. It would look better if hairless. Trust me. The patch, makes it looker darker than it is. It really doesn't match her skin tone. Her butt happen to have lot of rashes that makes you wonder if she had Herpes or something. Her whole body wasn't tone, anymore. It was a bit flappy. I would have love her to be in fit-shape. Not bodybuilder type, but tone down. She just seem like that old tired stripper trying to get one last fix of being narcissism. Her days of being a role model for women were over. She was never much one anyways. I don't think she was being exploited, but I do believe she decided to move on to full-fledged porn as one last attempt for her dying career. It's not, she didn't try it before. A few years ago, a homemade sex tape was released in 2004 that was just God-awful. At less, this movie was a little bit better in production. Five scenes, shot from multiple angles. In high definition. Still, it's directed by a man named B. Skow who should call himself, B Show, because he hasn't produced in anything that worth a damn outside the porn industry. The first scene had Chyna being interviewed outside on the porch of a house with the Hollywood sign blurred in the background. Why even show it? If it's going to be blurred out. The movie could had blurred the enlarged clitoris of Chyna. The first scene is a 3-way lesbian scene in some type of abandoned ware house with pornstar Dylan Ryder and Diana Prince. Who has sex in an abandoned warehouse? I don't know why, but both women look like Mary Streenburgen twins. I would have thought at less, they would had at less, put a blonde or a redhead in this scene. It looks weird with all of them being brunettes. Honestly, you can't tell the different between Prince and Ryder. The sex scene was awkward as Chyna is clueless what to do. I don't think, Chyna is a bi or lesbian in real life. She really look uncomfortable for her supposedly first time. She says she like those scenes, but in later porn films, she barely has any lesbians scenes. Somebody was lying there. Diana Prince is no wonder woman, as all the actresses give out a bunch of faked, over the top moaning even before the vagina and anal licking. I was really disappointed, that they choose to wear their high heels during the whole scene. Also, the fact that there was no scissoring or tribbling. Scene 2 is Chyna having sex in a dirty like dungeon. It's the one that seems the most intense. It was really extreme, more than ECW extreme. Both, the man, Lee Stone and Chyna are sweaty and dirty by the end of it. Also it was the most disgusting scene of the film. Lot of 69s. Too bad, there wasn't a Tombstone Pile driver. Scene 3 is with Evan Stone and has the big anal scene. The scene order makes no sense. Why the movie is called backdoor to Chyna, if they put the anal scene in the middle of the movie? I hate the scene, anyways. Scene 4 is the worst in the film. It a gym settling with a three-way dance: Chyna, another girl, Dayna Vendetta and some poor guy. I don't know why Dayna has a Vendetta against, or choose porn to pursuits it, but whatever. I guess, her version of V for Vendetta, stands for vagina. She's pretty busty. I think she is more likely to eat cupcakes, than Chyna's cupcake. The guy mostly ignored Chyna throughout the scene. Scene 5 is the climax, and it's with two guys at her house. Considering she's already done anal in this movie, I was thinking it was doing to be the inevitable double penetration, but it never happened. It was pretty much, the highlight. Throughout the film, Chyna talks about her life. Nothing new, if you're a fan of Chyna. Kinda boring, but don't worry, boobs are shown randomly while she talks. She really hanging on the past with most of what she says. Overall: It's not a good porno if you want to be aroused. She look much better in non-porno 2001's Divas in Hedonism. Glad, she got clean in 2013, quit porno and became a teacher. Much better, career choice, I think. Hope, she doesn't come back.
Pirates (2005)
While, it's not the best porno, I ever saw. Pirates indeed brought the sexy booty!
I have to give some credit to this film. Instead of making a stupid cheesy parody of the mainstream Disney 2003 film's 'Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl', which most porno flicks does; this film makes a strong effort, in making their own Pirate theme movie with crossover appeal. Because of this, this film was somewhat successful in standing out. Honestly, if you watch the Rated R edited version of the film, it proves that this porno can be watchable. Directed by Ali Davoudian AKA Joone, the movie tells the story of a clumsy absent-minded pirate hunter named Captain Edward Reynolds (Evan Stone) trying to find the feared Captain Victor Stagnetti (Tommy Gunn) and his crew of cutthroat pirates. With help from his first mate, Jules Steel (Jesse Jane) and a mysterious woman named Isabella Valenzuela (Carmen Luvana); Captain Reynolds embark on a journey, through the seven seas in hope, of finding Stagnetti and putting an end to his murderous madness, before he gets his hands on the ancient Inca weapon. Without spoiling the movie, too much, I have to say, for the most part, 2005's Pirates indeed jolly my Rogers with its sex scenes! The sex scenes were somewhat sexy and tasteful. However, there were some that were a little awkward. First off, the force lesbian scene with the pirate dancer (Jenaveve Jolie) and Isabella was a little too disturbing. It was already creepy enough that Isabella is being forced to do, a sex act, against her will, but seeing this, all happen in front of a crowd of hair-raising old pirates is really horrible. I really didn't like that scene at all. It really creeps me out and turn me off. At least, her later lesbian scene with Julies was a little more refined. I also didn't like her first sex scene in the movie, with her husband, Manuel (Kris Slater). It was a little too dark and damp looking. It had some really bad lighting. Another is the fact, that they have sex, yet again, later in the film, that wasn't really needed. The actress, Carmen Luvana was used, way too much in this film. I don't like seeing her, doing repetitive action like that. In my opinion, while, most of the sex scenes were hot. It was a bit jarring to see, how many white blondes with the same body type, they used for this production. I get that, Luvana is Puerto Ricans, but couldn't they find, somebody who looks more Hispanic than her to play Isabella? The reason, why I say this, is because, I really couldn't tell the different, between some of the women in this film. Mostly in the supporting cast. They all seem like they were playing the same character. While, there were a lot of diversity in the male casting, it seems like this movie was lacking diversity in the female department. It sucks, because for a movie about pirates in the Caribbean, you would think, there would be more brunettes, than blondes, more Hispanic, Black or Asian women than whites, walking around and more natural looking women than fake-looking Barbies. I'm just glad, that in the sequel has more realistic women, than the plastic big boob, Barbies in this film. Another sex scene, worth nitpicking about is the three-way pink cannonball scene between Captain Reynolds, and two wenches, Madelyn (Devon Striker) and Christina (Teagan Presley). The actresses screaming and moaning in this part, were really annoying. I felt like, my ears were going to bleed out, because of that. Another bad scene is the stupid burning house sex scene with Captain Reynolds and crazy lover, Angelina (Austyn Moore). Yes, the idea of seeing two people get it on, in a burning building, looks hot, but in real life, they would have all pass out, from smoke inhalation and burn to death. It was too painful to watch due to how stupid, it was. Another problem with this movie is the bad acting. While, Evan Stone isn't the worst actor in this film. He's far, too old to be playing the young leading role. Not only that, but I really didn't like his William Shatner style of acting. It was a bit annoying. Still, he has a natural charisma and sense of comic timing that would allow him to effortlessly move to mainstream films if he wanted. Jesse Jane in the other hand, can't. She's probably the sexy woman in the film, but she can't act, if her life, depend on it. Even, supporting characters were awful. While, it's nice to see a real Asian man played Wu Chow (Nhan). The dude can't act. He sounds like an idiot, most of the time. By far, the worst actor in this film, has to be the priest played by Harry Bali. He was so monotone with his delivery that it's laughable. In my opinion, the best acting, has to be Steven St. Croix and Tommy Gunn. I love Croix's Billy Zane type voice and Gunn's grumpy tone. One actress that seem somewhat wasted is Janine Lindemulder as Stagnetti's henchwoman, Serena. Honestly, I don't know, why she even came back to do porn, after her 1999 retirement. She really didn't add much to this movie. Also, her tattoos were a bit distracting. I don't know, many women pirates, having tattoos like that in the 18th century. Another distracting thing in this film is the bad special effects. The whole animated skeleton fight was really slow and bad. For being one of the most expensive pornographic film ever made, it doesn't show in the effects. However, the costumes, sets, and music were still pretty stunning for the budget, it had. Also props for having several of the scenes, shot on board the Bounty II, a replica of HMS Bounty. Overall: While, it's a lot better than the standard porno flick, it's not as good as its 2008 sequel, Pirates II: Stagnetti's Revenge. Still, check it out, if you want to.