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Hirokin (2012)
Hirokin changed my life
This absurdly poor creation shamelessly steals from the likes of Gladiator, Star Wars, Cyborg 2, Dune, Power Rangers, Braveheart, Mad Max 3, and ends up feeling like a lengthy montage sequence narrated by a drug addict going through withdrawal. Hirokin's hair is the craziest part of the film. It's like a crow's nest. His first girl is kinda rough in the face because the movie doesn't want us to care for her too much. Enter the smart-mouthed, wily, buxom blonde and her pretty eyes. The bad guy is laughable, he wears a man-corset; his henchmen are laughable, they wear full body armor in the desert; his woman is a venomous snake with a heart of venomous gold that just craves to be desired and bedded properly. Did they have but one stock cgi hovercraft desertmobile to spare for the entire army of evil? You bet! Oh, the mentor figure for Hirokin is some crazy plump desert samurai that talks like a homeless person. Oh I get it 'Arids'='Arabs'. Cute. I get the feeling the author of this scenario doesn't speak English as his first language, or even broken English for that matter. The entire film is riddled with moonspeak. And everybody gets to become samurai in the end. Which is brilliant. Hirokin even has a signature move - he takes his pitiful blade, holds it like a throwing spear and then he throws it, impales the target instantly, and then snaps the blade black into his girly hands.
Here's a splice from the dialogue: "I have seen you in the.. battlefield of my.. mind Hirokin, you will unite the tribes, my friend, change the world, my friend. My friend. Hirokin replies: No, thank you." and promptly walks away.
Thank you Hirokin. I have learned a lot today. You have changed my life. (Btw, his name means 'Sword for the downtrodden', but it's okay if you just call him Hiro)
Carlston za Ognjenku (2008)
Charleston for my Ognjenka
This movie is.... a tad strange... It's fast, unclear here and there. Some of it's scenes are done in a manner thought to be appealing to a foreign audience, the domestic one isn't all that great, and this is understandable. The acting is good, the dialogues are lively even when they become rough. The acting is, actually the strongest part of this movie, even the extras seem convincing and natural. The story has a nice current, flow, but can be fast at times. The main characters go through certain story progressions expediently, and some scenes are abruptly speedy. It has an interesting idea, a good cast, a life to it... but the look of it was a little too modern, trying a little to hard to reach a broader audience, remember that movie inside a movie in 'Simone' with Pacino, it felt a bit like that. It's definitely different from the other domestic productions. I don't even know what to think of it, it left me a bit fuzzy and confused, but i do recommend it, if for nothing else, then because of the strong, mostly female, cast.
The Chronicles of Riddick (2004)
The chronicles of the Riddick, the wacky religious zealots, and some cgi
Well, that sucked. Bad cast, bad story, to much money involved, no fun seen on their faces, everybody was so busy trying not to screw up, too look sharp that it shaped the movie into something too serious. Where was that candy from Pitch Black where Riddick takes his time to take a sip of whiskey on a chair, under everyone's noses, where was that moral, human, ambiguity seen in Fry and in Riddick from PB... Thandie Newton was wrong to use, Karl Urban was underused and directed poorly, Vin Diesel has more to him than his physique, but they opt to use his brawn more than his other talents, Kyra... that was stupid. Just listen to Vin's intro for Pitch Black, hear the emotion in his voice, feel the hurt? He can do a lot more than take off his goggles every 2 minutes to show his bad boy eyes. The movie itself is made by the book, took no chances and it shows, in a bad way. Everybody seems to want to make another LOTR movie, bet'ya they used LOTR armors as well. LOTR sucked, read the book you lazy kid, Chronicles of Riddick sucked accordingly. Riddick lost his appeal, became a mixture of Han Solo, Indiana Jones, Neo and every reluctant bad mother# with a heart of gold we have seen in a movie so far. He also seems to have a thing for kids, get's you wondering what got him in the slammer in the first place. Where is that human Riddick, a survivor taught by life's harder edges, all i saw here was Han Richard Rambo Anderson. God damn. Put in some 'Dungeon siege' and KOTOR's dark lord Revan Nihilus, who has been at the end of the Underverse and seen it all, and brought a forge with him, to kill planets, wait, i get confused... Terry Prachet should trademark 'Verse, so no one can pull 'verse again. And what's up with those corpse-phones, don't they have, you know, technology? It's a SF remember? Repeat after me, 'There are no elves in space'. It's a shame, i know this movie made a lot of fan-boys do some hypnosis on themselves, trying to tell themselves it didn't suck as bad. You have Riddick, swinging from ropes, saving the damsel, you have (spike)likeable repeating villains, planned to use in the sequels (Spike from Buffy), you know, the sort that goes good at the end of it all and saves Buffy, that sort of guys, you have ugh 'Destiny' and 'Proficies' and 'Fate' and 'Power-up flashbacks'. You also have here the girl dying, which gives our hero 00xxx Stallone Wallace some extra angst to use against the guy who strangled his entire race with their umbilical cords.. he's so evil! But has nice armor, stolen from 'The gladiator' mixed with some Bioware's 'Jade empire', and is a midwife! oh, don't forget lady Judi Dench replaying her M role, but now she's called an 'Elemental'. Kill off the previous cast so you can have a fresh start, over-use 'the one' story heard gazillion times in the last decade, follow this plastic Hollywood blockbuster recipe , forget soul, wit, edginess, take no chances, buy that 3mil$ house right next to Tom 'Watched his own movies to many times' Cruize. Pitch Black treated death of a human being with respect, in COR, Riddick makes it a game, and shares it with a girl, who he feels brotherly of (no, nothing else is there, this is a safe movie, no way he could feel something else, remember we don't want to make you think). From a charismatic jack of all trades that speaks seldomly, which only adds to his mystique, who is human and believable, we get our Neo-Riddick that speaks way too much, meaningless stuff, explaining the plot events to the dumb audience, looking artificially cool all the time. And Kyra, what the hell.. and that prison... it was a joke. They feed the prisoners with stone-armored night shined leopards, the warden is a Russian (how fitting, after all, Russians are all corrupted and susceptible, and their technology is archaic and rusty, and tends to malfunction), the prison itself felt like one from those south-American soap operas, the prison was a cardboard drawing, add some black characters (+ Imam that got blaze of glory) for ethnic diversity, some girl power 'cause all girls are strong, most are armed and they all plot, but in the end they all feel the need to be so fragile and die in the hands of the main character. What did i forget... the movie was too long. The only cool thing in the movie was the teacup heart procedure, even though i've seen a similar scene in 'The last boy scout' with Bruce Willice. God damn, why did i expect something more. Money gets them all, always, money is what American cinema is all about, cash is king. All hail the necromongers. So, basically, you have here a 6-star low budget pearl called 'Pitch Black', that went into a 2 star over-funded flick with wrong role models, called blockbusters. Empty, that's how this movie leaves you. The story should have sticked to the basic premise, not bring Narnia into it. The chronicles of the Riddick, the wacky religious zealots, and some cgi.
Don't watch sequels my friends, you'll just get disappointed.
Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story (2004)
Dear god
This movie represents everything that is wrong with the modern day American cinema. After viewing it, i just felt compelled to create an IMDb account and write out of me this awful feeling this movie has left me with. Where do i start? Oh, how about the movie not being funny at all to someone that isn't an 'average Joe'? It really goes to the lowest of the low, like Vaughn's team motto 'Aim low'. Guys, they even made Rip Torn say things like 'Crotch stain' and made a dirty old bastard out of him.... Oh, there's also Chuck Norris, god knows why.. and Captain Kirk. God, i feel dumb after watching this insult to my idea of Ben Stiller. I can see this piece of excrement be entertaining only to those who do not care, or the brain dead. Even Stiller makes a remark about this, in the last minute of this 'movie'. To sum it up, Bad guy pathetically comical + his towering team of ethnically diverse henchmen on steroids, Good guy charming underachiever (so the target audience doesn't get offended, and can identify) + a group of oddballs that don't deserve life (but the movie makes their existence meaningful) + a token black dude (blaxploitating away) + a pirate (??) whose entire self-image is based on what Vaughn's character has to say during a self doubt now - hero redeem later scene. We also have that guy from the 'Excalibur' SF series, playing the role of the commentator, i liked Excalibur, so i can forgive. Oh, there's a girl, naturally, a tough one, naturally, that slams Stiller's character into a wall, in order to prove that women are tough. Women are really tough right? Yeah, i thought so. Oh, she's also not a lesbian, she's Bi. Is there a category on this site for the worst scene ever? The scene where the heroine kisses another woman and her comment 'I'm not lesbian. {pause} I'm bi-sexual' to quell the attention of Vaughn's character and that of the black token is sickeningly unimaginative. Whoever wrote this line really pulled a reverse Tolkien.
Don't, for any reason whatsoever take an hour and a half out of your life to watch this. You'll smile twice and that's it.