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the-organizm
Reviews
Sleepy Hollow (2013)
This is not good, you guys.
Sleepy Hollow is a modern retelling of the old Headless Horseman tale. In the Universe the series is set in, there is no tale. It just happens. There's magic and mystery, and so far pretty much all history between our Universe and the one of the series is shared (More or less, if you take into account the writers prerogative to ditch, maul or make up crap actual events). So, for all intents and purposes, with the exception of magic stuff, our Universes are basically the same! Now we have that out of the way, here's some other differences. Firstly, if a dude wakes up after being dead for 250 years, and also in incredible shape, in this Universe you cart him off to figure out how the Hell he did it. Here's a guy who fought with Washington! He is without a doubt the most forward thinking man of his age (Because I guess television doesn't like deeply or morally flawed main characters or something). The things he could tell you! An actual eye witness to the violent American revolution! A man who started the Boston Tea Party by accident! Instead, they just let him hang out with a police officer.
Of course, maybe they don't believe he's actually from that time period. Maybe he's making the whole thing up. Or maybe he's crazy. They did put him in an institution, after all. Until the female lead takes him out, to which everyone obliges. So, now as far as everyone is concerned, they have a possibly mentally ill person running around solving crimes telling them all he's from the American Revolution. They let him into the evidence dungeon of the police precinct, they let him talk to key witnesses, and they let him investigate crimes, all the while not questioning why he has no Social Security, birth records, basically no past, and the inability to purchase new clothes, seeing as he's been wearing the same ones for 250 years and four episodes.
Is this show good or bad? It's not Quatermass, which is a ten for being awesome, or The Following, which by the IMDb rating system I use is a one for being so-bad-it's-good. This is a five, for being completely forgettable. They drop characters, and the arcs that aren't dropped are rushed through. It's clichéd. It's a televised trope. The only redeeming feature got his head cut off in the first five minutes, and I'm not talking about the horseman. I don't like this show. I don't hate this show. I nothing this show. But do you know what I don't like? That this show will most likely run for many, many seasons. On a network well known for letting bad shows run themselves into the ground over the course of a decade and dropping damn good ones far too quickly, this show will go on and on and on until most people have stopped watching, and the die-hard fans of Ichabod Crane will fume at the thought of it not being on air any more. So good news for fans of this series, it'll last for quite a while!
Uptown Girls (2003)
I want my brain cells back.
This movie is, without a doubt, the worst thing I've ever seen, and I've seen some MAJOR pieces of crap. But this movie really stands out for me, because it's the only time I've switched off before a movie ended. You want to know what I did then? I watched my toenails grow. It was a lot more interesting and, funnily enough, less predictable than Uptown Girls. I could feel myself get stupider and stupider as the movie went on, until I became afraid that I was going to end up in a vegetative state.
Everything about this movie stunk, and the writers should be forced to watch Cradle Of Fear over and over again for the rest of time. Don't get me wrong, I think Dakota Fanning is a nifty little actress, and was creepy as anything in Taken. If they do an all female midget version of Silence Of The Lambs, I'm nominating her for the part of Hannibal. But I digress...
The problem isn't the actors, it's just that this movie bit the big one. The characters are annoying as Hell, the acting is deplorable, the soundtrack is your run-of-the-mill girlie attempt at punk rock which just sounds completely poo and may make you psychotic, and the plot is, at beast, mind numbingly predictable. Seeing Brittany Murphy trying to act all loved up (I THINK that's what she was trying to act...) was pretty scary. It looked like the director had doped her up on who knows what and let her off in front of the camera. I threw up a little bit in my mouth during the "Pez" bit. I was a little worried they might have given Murphy brain damage before the scene, and that's why she was acting like a bit of a partard.
Long story short, this movie is utter crud, and really, you should be buying me awesome presents for letting you know and saving you the torture of sitting through it.
Oh yeah, and don't even get me STARTED on that damn song that Jesse Spencer sings...