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gierran
Reviews
Alien Apocalypse (2005)
Boo!
Really, friends at the Sci Fi Network, stop it with the original programming. NOW! The movies are no good. Instead, please show repeats of movies that we know are good, or at least watchable. How come your mini series tend to be okay but these one-off flicks are so bad? "Alien Apocalypse" was terrible. It stunk. My eyes watered from the dreadful stench emanating from the television. I threw up arms up in supplication to God and asked to be delivered from His wrath. God was mad at me for sinning. I don't know how I sinned or exactly what I did but I had to have done something. Why else would God want to punish me so? I don't like it when God is angry with me. I am pious. Maybe the good folks at the Sci Fi Network will stop putting him to the test.
Gargantua (1998)
Goobledygook
foiwehfoightu wekjfhwdfgiousdy89234osdfjwefiou tju roitj39857t neioujhu weoiwut9348ru n. There. That makes more sense than this trashy movie which is about giant salamanders which can magically tolerate salt water. It reminds me of the time my friend Annie Bananie was using frogs for a science project at school. Her mother kept cleaning the terrarium with Windex. This gave the frogs brain damage and ruined all of Annie's data. Annie Bananie's dad had to take the frogs out back and cut their heads off with pinking shears to put them out of their misery. I wish he had lopped MY head off before I watched this waste of celluloid. If "Gargantua" had been made in the 50's, even American International or Allied Artists wouldn't have released it-- it's that bad.
Coal Miner's Daughter (1980)
Hillbilly Jokes
You know you're a redneck if you're so damn illiterate you put salt in a pie instead of sugar. You know you're a redneck if you impress a girl by driving a junky jeep up the side of hill made from coal slag. You know you're a redneck if Minnie Pearl just clapped for you. You know you're a redneck if your husband just beat you in front of a celebrity. No folks, this ain't Jeff Foxworthy, though my real last name is similar. It's not even Larry the Cable guy because if it was this review would have nothing but boob and fart jokes. I do have trashy relatives though: my mother and her cousin Joan did get in a fist fight once over who was going to eat the turkey skin at Thanksgiving dinner. I recommend putting this movie, which isn't so good after all, on a double feature with "The Blue Collar Comedy Tour Movie." And the always underrated Beverly D'Angelo is better at playing Patsy Cline than Jessica Lange was in "Sweet Dreams."
Furankenshutain tai Chitei Kaijû Baragon (1965)
The Clothes
This seems like a dreadful film, but can we really be sure about that. It's dubbed. Maybe the acting is brilliant but most of us will never know because we don't speak Japanese. Wouldn't that be embarrassing? To rant and roar about how bad these Japanese giant-monster-on-the-loose films are only to have them actually be works of art? Another thing I don't understand: The Frankenstein monster grows bigger and bigger in the most amazing growth spurt since "Attack of the Fifty Foot Woman" and his pants grow too? Shouldn't they have just split at the seams at some point, leaving him to strut around nude? And all the food he is consuming! It doesn't say much for the Japanese military that they can't find a 100 foot monster roaming the conutryside, leaving a trail of turds the size of busses.
Romeo + Juliet (1996)
Two households, both alike in stupidity...
Shakespeare for stupid people. Many people, Americans mostly, are terrified of Shakespeare. They feel that they aren't smart enough for it. They panic over the language, not understanding that if they can't hear or "get" what is being said, it's time to blame the actors. Then there are the people who, by wasting their educations, really are that ignorant. So, the makers of this film, decided to dumb the whole thing down instead of investing the movie with a certain level of intelligence. Incompetent trash. If you took brightly colored, glittery wrapping paper and rubbed it into your eyes you'd get the same effect.
Happy Gilmore (1996)
Bob Barker, action hero!
I loved it when Bob Barker and Adam Sandler got into a fistfight. It's the only reason I went to see the movie. I am a huge "Price is Right" fan and have been to two tapings of the show. Unfortunately, I was never called on down, but an old geezer I met in line was. If he'd only have listened to me while playing the Card Game, he would have won a brand new Mercury Tracer. Pity.
I think Bob Barker should make extra money hurting bad actors like Adam Sandler. (Maybe "Punch-Drunk Love" was a fluke: but there are no absolutes in acting.) Bob could bash Jennifer Lopez' teeth out with a Plink-O chip or run Joe Pesci down with the Big Wheel.
"Happy Gilmore" was a real turkey. Blech.
Hellraiser III: Hell on Earth (1992)
True Life Scares
I was living in New York City when I saw this movie. At one point, Terry Farrell goes running down the street with several Cenobites hot on her trail. They happened to chase her past the very movie theater I was inside watching the movie. I was badly frightened and began to scream and panic. I thought, "The monsters are right outside. What if Terry Farrell leads them in here? What if they decide to stop chasing her and come into the theater to get me?" I was terrified, rooted to my seat thinking that if they did, I would see my own self on the screen, being killed, sent to Hell or at the very least seriously mutilated.
By the way, it's virtually impossible to translate Clive Barker to the screen. He can't even do it himself ("Hellraiser," "Nightbreed," "Lord of Illusions.") This is an exception. It's a pretty decent horror flick with a delightfully ominous and grisly opening.
Flowers in the Attic (1987)
Poke My Eyeballs Out Please
If you grew up in Las Vegas, Nevada in the early 80s, chances are you flipped out over VC Andrews books, particularly "Flowers in the Attic" and is sequels. I know that at my junior high, the reading teachers all got together and banned book reports on any title in the series. That's how sick and tired they were of hearing about them.
So, as a freshman in college, you can imagine how excited I was to see the film of "Flowers in the Attic" come to the multiplex.
I knew I was in trouble two minutes into the film and it went downhill from there. I wished that I had an evil grandmother to abuse me and lock me in an attic. That way I wouldn't have to watch this movie, which I consider to be the most utterly worthless film of all time. Previous comments on this website have expressed relief that a sequel was never made. About half-way through the movie, something happens that makes it impossible the for the rest of the series to continue anyway. They took the one thing upon which the rest of the books hinged and did away with it. This movie is so terrible, that about ten minutes before it ended, I started to weep. I know that the few other people in the theatre, for this was a well-deserved flop, were wondering who that stupid guy was, crying in the second row, but I couldn't help it.
I don't know if what I'm about to say is going to be accepted for publication here but I really wish I could have a bowel movement on a print of this movie. Why doesn't the IMDB offer the 0 stars option?
Election (1999)
Ferris Bueller Makes Some Bad Choices
Possible spoilers:
I can't figure out people's responses to Reese Witherspoon's character. I personally feel that she deserved to win. She was smart, driven and had nerves of steel-- qualities that we all want in our leaders. Chris Klein was a doofus; Jessica Campbell was an anarchist. Are these the kinds of leaders we want? "Election" is a political allegory. We face the same issues in election years that the students at this high school are facing with their own election.
No, Reese Witherspoon's character was not perfect. Let's all get over this neurotic need we have about demanding perfect presidents, prime ministers, mayors, senators et cetera. Politicians are people. They make boo boos. President Clinton fooled around on Hilary. So what? Who cares? That affected his ability to lead the United States in what way? Reese Witherspoon rips posters down and has slept with one of her teachers. I can't see how this is going to stop her from being a good student body president.
When she finds out she has lost the election, I felt just awful for her. I say that Matthew Broderick is the bad guy here. He reminds me a lot of a sleazy CIA operative doing a lot of illegal things behind the scenes that subvert democracy for his own selfish needs. At least Reese Witherspoon, okay she was a bit off, cared about making the school a better place.
Nude on the Moon (1961)
Lunie Nudie Cutie
Doris Wishman belongs to that category of film directors that include Russ Meyer, John Waters, Herschell Gordon Lewis and Ed Wood. These are film-makers who make movies that are simply uncategorizable. Either you get it or you don't.
In "Nude on the Moon" the moon looks suspiciously like the Coral Castle in Florida and is inhabited by a bunch of nude women with flabby bodies and bad hair. Nothing much happens. You just get to ogle. The movie is about boobies.
Never has nudity been more wholesome. This is a nudie pic for the whole family. Your children can sit and watch it and laugh right along with you. There's nothing offensive. What a great way to dispel unhealthy attitudes towards the human body! You can teach your kids not to have a snickering, lewd attitude towards their bodies and to accept them as a natural part of life. Then they'll get bored and leave to go do something else while you sit there amazed that such a wiggy movie ever got made. With a Doc Severenson theme song!
I also appreciated how this movie so accurately depicts what life is like on lunar nudist colonies. If any of you have ever been, you will understand. Don't you get sick and tired of Hollywood misrepresenting nudity in outer space? I do.
Raising Cain (1992)
Brian De Palma: Misunderstood Film-maker
People just don't get this guy. His movies, I believe, AREN'T supposed to make a lot of sense. In this way, he seems to be influenced by Argento, Bava and other directors of Italian giallo films. De Palma is a master of technique. As Hitchcock relentlessly demonstrated, this is a good thing. This is a great thing. De Palma seems to know that the only thing that matters in cinema is the image. I agree. Movies DO NOT require a good script and they certainly don't need good actors. They do not have to be believable or realistic either. (What is up with this American preoccupation with "realism": that all movies have to be "like real life?") In my opinion, and I hope De Palma would agree with me, otherwise I look really silly writing this, the only thing a great movie director has to do is tell a story with pictures. Period. That's it.
It doesn't matter that "Raising Cain" is an unrealistic, gonzo piece of whacked-out grand guignol. It doesn't matter that John Lithgow, with a solid career of playing villains behind him, knocks over all the scenery that he doesn't chew up. (Besides, audiences love larger than life actors...) This is a great film that demonstrates to the world that Brian De Palma is a master of the art.
Highlander II: The Quickening (1991)
Poor, poor Virginia
I feel awful for Virginia Madsen. She is not only extremely beautiful, she has quite a lot of talent. Unfortunately, it's consistently wasted in one crummy movie after another. I think she's so wonderful that I try to see everything she's in. The good movies like "Fire With Fire" and "Creator" are so few and far between that sitting through her filmography will give you piles in your eyes. What's wrong? Blame the directors! Blame her agent! Just don't blame her. It's like she's the Beverly D'Angelo of her generation. It's hard to imagine, but "Highlander 2: the Quickening" is one of the worst. It's just so stupid. In middle school, I knew this girl who wrote short stories about talking unicorns with laser guns strapped to their haunches. I was reminded of her while watching this movie. "Highlander 2: the Quickening" is ridiculous in the way that nerdy science fiction eggheads are ridiculous before they go to college and get their act together by hanging out with theater majors.
Grease (1978)
A Deeply Immoral Movie
Possible minor spoilers ahead:
I hated this movie when I saw it in the theatres when I was ten. I didn't know why until I saw it done on stage years later at a local high school. The movie (and play) tell you that you're not good enough as you are; that to have people like you, you have to change. The final scene makes it clear that being yourself isn't good enough. You have to conform to the will of others in order to be happy. And making the woman the one who has to change is sexist. Then, misogny backhands you like an abusive husband by sexually objectifying the change. Look, now she has to be a hussy to have a happy ending.
Simply disgusting. Easily one of the worst movies ever made.
Thoroughly Modern Millie (1967)
Goofology 101
Possible minor spoilers ahead:
This is a film for jaded moviegoers. Just when you think that cinema is starting to look all the same, you get to watch Carol Channing get shot out of a cannon! It's just great. You'll think to yourself, "Well, now I can die. I've seen it all!" Carol Channing is absolutely phenomenal in this movie because she creates a character that has never been seen before in movies and probably never will be again. That is because she is such an oddball in real life. I know. When I lived in New York City, I was a cater waiter. I waited on Ms. Channing (or was it Muzzy, her character from this movie?) and thought to myself, "Oh my gosh, if she asks me for raspberries, I won't be able to handle it." (If you've seen the movie, you'll get my dumb joke.) Really, rent this film or watch it when it comes on television: the whole thing is so far over-the-top, you'll need binoculars just to see what's going on. This movie gets a perfect 10.
Meet the Feebles (1989)
Puppetry Gone Haywire
This is a really odd film for people who have always wanted to see the Muppets covered in doo doo or at least seriously injured by being hit by a bus. I like offensive, mean-spirited movies so this was right up my alley. Warning: do not show to children unless they are as warped as you are.
The Survivors (1983)
Snore.
This movie was very boring. When I was a teenager, I saw it in a theatre. I got up halfway through the movie to get some Raisinets. My leg had fallen asleep and I fell down in the aisle. I remember that vividly but I remember virtually nothing about the movie. Didn't Walter Matthau and Robin Williams stand in some snow at one point?