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Reviews
The Dark Mile (2017)
Truly awful
As is the trend (I say "trend".....more of a set in stone, fact of life, unalterable necessity of modern film), the whole thing is filmed in Stygian gloom. Even those scenes set in broad daylight are dark, miserable gloomy affairs.
Then there's the almost constant flashbacks of IVF procedures, stags, some dreary arch-pagan pub sign. Tedious, unnecessary and a naff way to fill the gaps left in the equally tedious narrative.
The scenery, when it is shown, could be Scotland, may be Ireland....doesn't matter, one is allowed only occasional glimpses. Gloomy glimpses, if you will.
Sheila Hancock is ok. Never seen the rest. They all struggle with creating any form of tension. They also mumble to the extent that most of the dialogue between the two leads is just lost to the other.
The director, who uses "suspenseful" music liberally and.....far more often than not....in the wrong place, fails to keep this piffle going anywhere.
This is catastrophic film-making. Far too dark to see anything, mumbling actresses, rubbish story, drunken direction, clumsy rentascript.
Please avoid.
Massive Engines (2004)
OK if you aren't interested in history
Yet again Barrie utters such utter drivel as "The first operational jet fighter in the world" when talking about the Gloster Meteor.
This disturbing lie and his habit of ignoring everything the Germans achieved was also present in his Britain's Greatest Machines. What's the point? The Germans led the world in almost every field in the first half of the century yet this blithering idiot and his seemingly equally cretinous research team just decide the Brits did everything first and best (remember his piece on the Crusader tank? What a cart-horse wast of metal THAT was, yet to him it was a "Great" British machine).
I'm sick of his lies. It is plainly his vision to see German engineers and brilliance written out of history, and if enough equally pathetic morons watch this drivel it may work in "Great" Britain. However, it's nice to see some old stuff and actually see them still working, so i have to watch his offerings with no expectation of accuracy.
He is a moron if he believes the filth he spouts. His researchers are morons if they think they can constantly feed him this filth and get everyone to believe it. But it's purely WRONG.
Large (2001)
Utter garbage
Prurient teen rubbish at its absolute worst. Abysmal acting, script, plot......just about everything was dire.
So why did they make it and what sort of cretin would like this? Search me. I've seen risqué, blue and filthy comedy done well.....sometimes i seek them out as it CAN be funny. This wasn't funny for a moment.
Then there's the Brummie accents. Sweet Jesus. Absolutely awful, barring one lad who i think IS a native of that city.
Don't bother with this tripe. I did (for an hour so far) and it's an hour i've wasted.
Oh, and i expected more of Morwenna Banks who is better than this piffle.
Abel (1986)
Best film ever!
I love this film. I always have, since first seeing it some fifteen or so years ago. It is SERIOUSLY weird, but absolutely hilarious. Being in Dutch probably helped! Surreal scenery also helped with the mood of this wonderful film. The opening scenes nearly put me off, but after a while you realise it assists in the strange and weird world of Alex v W!!! De Noorderlingen is another of his and is also a very funny and odd little film.....maybe i just like this serious looking fellow's decidedly wry eye on the world.
I urge anyone to see this film, but more than that, i urge anyone who knows where i can buy a copy to tell me where from. I had it on video for years but it's worn out!
The Simpsons: Homer Simpson, This Is Your Wife (2006)
Couldn't agree with mandalorian more. Or less!
I find Ricky Gervais hilarious in most things. However, this really was the worst Simpsons episode ever. It was a bit like watching that thing with the queer bloke and skinny ginger woman.....summat and summat. The name escapes me. It's putrid though. Anyway, i watched this after the hype alluded to by mandolin and was flabbergasted at the total (and i MEAN total) lack of entertainment. No laughs, no touching moments....absolutely nothing. I fear The Simpsons really has lost it. In the early days, and certainly up to about series 8/9/10, there were lovely, funny, touching, meaningful moments, hilarious incidentals, superb fun! This was utterly devoid of all of those things. I can only think that Gervais was so overawed by The Simpsons, he forgot how to be funny.
So, while agreeing that IT wasn't funny, i still find Gervais CAN be funny. Can't quite forgive him for seemingly giving my all-time favourite programme its coup-de-grace.
Alexander the Great (1956)
Shows Burton for the truly abysmal arse he was
Amongst all the other 'greats' on show, this dreadful over-acting ham really scaled the heights of grotesque rubbish in this film. As always, he delivered his lines in that constipated, yet far too rapid way. Please also look at the scene where he stabs his father's killer.....if you need lessons in putrid acting, look there. The battle scenes were short and pathetic; the costumes laughable. Then there were the cities. Seems all the money went on the alcoholic, as there was little or no attempt at accuracy and/or grandeur. Michael Hrodern was OK though!
Dire film capped by this dire little man. Along with that Brando creature and Olivier, this idiot goes to show how stupid, crass and ridiculous actors are. Oh, and their fans. Execrable filth.
Body Heat (1981)
Terrible garbage
'Film noir'? Well, yes. That is the most abominable genre of film and this was in there with all the other putrid film noir garbage vomited up over the years. Hurt is not an actor. He may just qualify as being a human being, but if he has ever shown an emotion, please point it out. This tedious film bored me rigid. HURT bored me rigid. Why was this piece of crap made? If anyone can offer a solution then please proffer it up with your Hurt-emotion suggestion. Then there was all that sweating! Is that why i hated it? No, no. The sweating was ghastly, but i hated this film because it was a very, very, bad film.
Sleep-inducing rot.