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Roseland (1977)
I Liked It
I watched this movie for the simple pleasure of staring at pretty young Christopher Walken; I had no expectations of actually caring about the rest of it since it didn't seem like something that aligned with my interests whatsoever. I was pleasantly surprised, and I've been thinking about it ever since. The three stories are simple and subdued, wistful, mournful little vignettes peering in on the lives, drama, and regrets of various characters who frequent this ballroom. It's mellow yet moving, sweet yet sad, with compelling characters and an inviting atmosphere that kept my tiny attention span thoroughly invested. Also, if you're like me and you're here for the prettyboy, you won't be disappointed.
The Vulture's Eye (2004)
don't listen to everyone else
Maybe my opinion would be different if I hadn't already seen over 20 film adaptations of Dracula that vary wildly in quality, or if I didn't regularly watch awful low budget movies, or if I hadn't seen several awful low budget adaptations of Dracula. But in my eyes, this movie was solid. I was NOT expecting to come out of it with so much respect for it. Yes, it was clearly made with about $12, but it's pretty effective and honestly well-made considering they obviously didn't have much to work with. The plot isn't too far off from the book, which is something I look for, and it's pretty unique compared to a lot of other Dracula movies in a way that I liked a lot. The production quality is very low but it honestly kind of contributes to an unsettling vibe. The vampire Lucy scene may be up there with the 1979 Dracula as one of my favorites; it's very unusual compared to other versions.
Overall: If you're used to high quality movies with a real budget and name-brand actors, this is definitely very different from what many people consider to be a "good" movie. But when you look at it for what it really is, it's a solid, unique, effective, and respectful adaptation of Dracula that I would gladly recommend to any fan of the book.
Sette uomini d'oro nello spazio (1979)
the robots
My review is that this movie is not good. But Tilly & Tilk are the greatest robots in cinematic history. They are the most genuine and heartwarming depiction of true love I've ever seen in fiction and the movie is worth enduring for them alone. Also the guy who is constantly doing gymnastics for no reason.
Skeleton Key (2006)
I think they had fun
You know when, like, 4th graders get access to recording technology for the first time and they start making goofy incoherent little movies with their friends? This has that vibe. I think they had fun making it and sometimes that's the important thing. I don't know if I had as much fun watching it but I didn't turn it off so I guess that says something.
Alucard (2008)
somehow the most faithful to the book
This is possibly one of the most adjective movies ever made. Stumbled across it while on a mission to watch every film adaptation of Dracula and, in spite of many, many things, this is undoubtedly the most faithful to the book. I imagine the budget for this was something like $12, but they make it work, in their own weird little way. The only way I can describe the vibe of this movie is by saying that Jonathan is taken to meet Dracula in a minivan with cheerful stock music playing. Also, Quincey is here, he's wearing stupid baggy pants shoved into his cowboy boots, he rarely takes off his cowboy hat, and he has a gun that he whips out every 5 seconds. What more could anybody ask for?
Anyway, overused phrase as it is, this is a must-watch for Dracula fans. I am so so serious. I think you can only watch it on Flixfling but it's worth it.
The Time Machine (I Found at a Yardsale) (2011)
this movie wants what Birdemic has
Let me preface this by saying this movie is exactly what I wanted it to be, and I was entertained the entire time simply by the absurdity of it all. If you liked Birdemic, this is maybe a step or two below that, and I highly recommend it for bad movie lovers like myself. Be warned, though, the unanimous 1 star rating is well earned.
Before I watched, I thought the reviews I'd seen roasting the acting were mean. I was like, the actors can't be THAT bad. I'm a simple man, I have pretty low standards. Man, these people went backwards from not acting at all. A person who isn't acting still expresses emotion and they expressed literally next to none. In their defense, though, it was probably incredibly boring to film, and I imagine the whole thing was done in some guy's living room in a single afternoon. It's basically a stock photo & screensaver compilation with some dialogue. Lots of things allegedly happen in this movie, but we don't really get to see any of them. You gotta use your imagination.
The best part of this movie to me is that these two lifeless individuals travel across space, in the future, and they buy some new clothes (in space, in the future) and undergo a wardrobe change but the clothes are just regular shirts from like. Target or something. I never got over that. There's a point where they go to some kind of space nightclub??? for which the sign is in papyrus font. They also encounter what may be the greatest dinosaur in cinematic history. So it definitely has its shining moments.
Anyway, as I said, if you enjoy laughing at bad movies, go for it. If you prefer a good movie, I think watching this will give you mesothelioma