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Reviews
The Beekeeper (2024)
Shamefully Bad
I had put off watching this movie for a while, I had low expectations. I went into it hoping for any saving grace; I found none.
Jason Statham plays the same role he did in Transporter, few lines mostly action scenes. It's really the only reason that I can give this two stars.
Every other single character in this movie is incredibly unlikable. From the FBI's Verona Parker to. Derek Danforth. The dialogue is horrible. Every other line seems to be a fact about honey bees. Any primary character in this movie has the most Steven Seagal style resume. A Former CIA Director, Harvard educated FBI Agent, a team of all the Special Forces Commandos, and the lead billionaire villian's mom is the President of the United States. I can appreciate taking a fair number of liberties but this is fair and beyond it all.
Beyond every bit of this movie just leaves you asking why. For some reason the mafia seems to be running computer scam call centers? For some reason a team of navy seals and delta force can't catch the beekeeper, so they send in a team of South African mercenaries? Why is everyone so over qualified yet so impossibly dumb?
I don't know if this was a shot at a John Wick type movie or someone trying to pull off an 80's action movie, but it fails completely on all accounts.
Top Gunner: Danger Zone (2022)
A plot written by a high schooler on drugs
Obviously a scam, I mean Asylum films is pretty well known for trying to grab at mainstream titles with these garbage movies. With titles before like Tomb Invader and Sharknado, this one is no exception.
If you want to laugh at utter ridiculous film making this is one of them. The plot is so completely random and without a bit of realism. I mean if you were having a party it could probably work as background noise.
Hands down best part is the beginning after a shootout, the bad guy is bleeding from several gun shots and the FBI agent asks "where does it hurt" with a straight face. Just the best dialogue in the gem.
The Lost Treasure (2022)
This Is Very Bad
I watched this movie the entire way through and I feel that was in itself an achievement. This is just so very bad.
The characters make no sense. It's like Indiana Jones meets community theater and the director has a steampunk fetish. Yet it's all taking place in hawaii?
The story line is pretty bland. I guess if it was executed better it would it would qualify for maybe some deep cable network.
Above all the acting is probably hands down the worst. It's hard to explain, but it's like an alien race trying to pretend to be humans. It's so unnatural watching this group of people interact it's unsettling.
This seems like another one of those pet project movies that someone decided to self-make on par with Rocket Hunter. At the same time it make Sharknado look like a dazzling piece Oscar worthy cinema. Anyone rating this over a 1 clearly either knows the cast or has a extremely prudish nature and probably doesn't watch normal television to compare this against anything.
Zeros and Ones (2021)
This is Bad
I mean on the low this looks like some sorta high school student film. It is bad. I mean if Ethan Hawke wasn't attached to this I doubt it would have gotten even as far as it has.
I gave up watching this about half the way in. I'd rather watch fat Steven Seagal run around playing seal team six.
American Badger (2021)
The Bad Outweighs the Good
I went into this movie with an open mind and watched it till the end. Unfortunately, the movie just isn't that great. I didn't go to film school, I'm not complaining about the sound, camera angles, and lighting, they all seemed well enough; I've certainly seen much worse. It's the storyline that never drew me in.
There is a loose plot. Hitman meets girl he is suppose to ultimately kill, then takes a vested interest in her. The problem is at no point in the movie did I find myself with a vested interest in the characters, none of them seem that likeable or interesting. For instance, the movie offers a few lines of dialog to try in explain how Dean became a Hitman, but there isn't much clarity to it.
For someone's self produced movie though, the one solid feature is the fight choreography. The three stars I gave it are for the fight scenes alone. From his bio, Kirk Caouette has 25 years of stunt experience (to include some big movies) and it shows. They are well put together and fluid. However, a movie has to be more than it's action sequences.
The movie ultimately seems like a bad blend of Léon: The Professional meets John Wick. Ultimately it's just not very good.
Rocket Hunter (2020)
Crime Against Humanity
This movie would be considered cruel and unusual punishment if anyone was ever forced to watch it.
The actors are so bad I can only assumed they paid to be in the film. It was like a fourth grader reading cue cards, confused by the cameras. The story-line was incredibly basic yet at the same time so troubling to try in follow. Like a Make-a-Wish kid just wanted to see his cruel crayon drawing come to life. I believe all the special effects were also handled by this child.
Beyond everything else that stood out, the camera angles really sealed the deal. It was like they could only film one angle at a time, so they filled each actor at a time, then tried to splice the film back together. It has some of the most un-organic dialog to ever be featured in a movie.
The fact that they sell this movie for nearly ten dollars is unbelievable.
Tomb Invader (2018)
So bad, so so bad
This is pretty seriously probably one of the worse movies I've ever seen. It's like a film student's junior year project. But then that student went on to drive fork lifts because they had no talent. A few of the actors could probably make it in porn but it would be a reach for their range.
The actors recite the script like they are reading it off a sheet of paper leading most scenes to come off like completely inorganic. Every death the actors respond to as a group of sociopaths continuing on with no regards. I assume this is what you get from an ad on Craigslist.
To save you time I'll sum up the plot for you. After some aged lady and her idiot friend watch a poor guy die with a spear to the chest, they turn around completely unphased to only die moments later. Fast forwarding, some sorority girl slam piece takes her fat lesbian and black friends to China (i.e. the local railroad hiking trail). They meet up with a "billionaire" and his Jansport book bag to find the jade key. Along the way they meet the leading man who clearly only acting after a failed bar tending career. Wandering through the woods they find some asian fellows who threaten the trip with better acting skills (possibly due to the fact they don't use english). Eventually they reach the temple and smart smart black guy dies. Fat lesbian takes it hard and shows the only emotional response to death the movie will see. Slam piece find the jade heart. The billionaire then using the power of his Jansport backpack overpower the rest of the group to take the jade heart quickly unleashing some warrior guy. Slam piece and bar tender quickly defeat him then find the Excalibur (apparently props wasn't trying hard). Billionaire then somehow gets lost and then dies in a rock tumble. The rest of the crew makes it out and give the asian fellows Excalibur. The movie then closes on Slam piece teaching what apparently is a community college history class.