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Reviews
The World's Greatest Sinner (1962)
god vs God
Clarence Hilliard goes to work one day and after some very deep thought, decides he no longer wants to be a life insurance salesman. In a flash of enlightenment he conjures up his own personal religion and like most religious fanatics, is convinced he must preach his gospel.
Although a little murky, his message sounds like Satan was his speech writer. You have to admit it is appealing to claim man is capable of rising above his mortality to become a super human being. In conjunction with this lofty idea Clarence relocated the Christian heaven from its nebulous place up in the clouds to right here on earth, in fact as close as Clarence himself. Couple this with his desire to become the next president and you have the complete package that is sure to offend some and enthrall others.
Right away he gets in trouble with his boss who is shocked that his salesman's newfound religious convictions of immortality are not conducive to selling life insurance, so he gets canned.
At first his wife seems unconcerned that her husband has quit his job but that soon changes when hubby declares himself God and with a bull horn begins preaching on street corners to anyone who will listen. His message is so off-the-wall that he immediately attracts a crowd of gawking, slack jaws, the sort of people who are gullible enough to believe anything.
Encouraged by his success, Clarence, with audacious swagger, launches his career as God Hilliard, buying a guitar, starting a band and enlisting a growing number of ignoramuses who actually believe his religious BS and for some reason, find his totally stupid-looking, leg quivering stage act appealing.
Before long all sorts of young and old female groupies are hanging all over him, and being a caring god, Clarence feels obligated to "tend" to his growing flock. Wifey takes offense to this as well as his heresy so she plays her trump, sending the little daughter in with Bible in hand to appeal to his sense of duty as a father. Clarence, being God now, has no use for such mundane duties and takes offense that they don't recognize his divinity.
After rejecting his heartbroken daughter and wife, Clarence begins to have doubts about his mission as God. Soon, cracks in his God image begin to appear and his presidential campaign falters amid allegations he is not who he says he is. To shore up his confidence, he makes a trip to the local church to straighten out his thinking.
Although he is obviously God Hilliard standing there in person, he notes the parishioners put great faith in the communion ritual with the unseen body of Christ. Puzzled, he steals the sacrament when no one is looking. When a flurry of pin jabs doesn't produce Christ's blood, his disillusionment with religious ritual destroys his belief in his own divinity.
Poor fellow falls into a troubled sleep and in his dream, he runs out the door following a trail of slime(?) His faithful followers run after him but he is drawn (this is where it gets really wacky) to his fate. As he opens the door to a room, a red filter drops over the lens and its my guess Satan is waiting to claim him as the world's greatest sinner.
As I watched this jaw dropping performance, I realized it had similarities to Andy Griffith's movie, A Face in the Crowd, but Andy edges out Tim as a fanatical egomaniac.
The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies!!? (1964)
Acid burns
All you girlfriends of incredibly strange creatures had better listen to your not-with-it mothers! Save yourself some grief and go out for a dip of vanilla ice cream with Mr. Double L. Once Madam Estrella consults her crystal ball and discovers your slacker boyfriend's spiritual capacity is shadowy, her hypnotic spiraling optical disc and ticking metronome will have him hacking away at her victims like he is from the Bates motel.
Not only that but he will stop living and become a mixed-up zombie in Madam E's collection of acid faced zombies. I can see no other way out of this mess but to stay the hell away from a fortune teller with such a large facial mole that you cannot keep from staring at it or has an ugly-as-Lucifer, chain smoking side kick named Ortega.
Careful lest the really boring filler entertainment provided by talentless relatives of the film's producer turns you into a zombie too.
Manos: The Hands of Fate (1966)
Manos vs Torgo
Torgo, Torgo, Torgo! Torgo Lives! Long before there was a butler to answer the door, a footman to carry your bags, a sweaty, repulsive lech to paw your wife, or a leering peeping tom to stare in her window, there was Torgo. When Rodney Dangerfield's act was just a gleam in his eye, Torgo was writing the book on the subtle art of twitching facial muscles and uncoordinated, jerking limbs.
Overpowering in his deformed knee performance, Torgo one-ups Monty Python's, silly walk sketch, with his own inimitable, oddly prancing, lurching shuffle, masterfully performed to theme music played on a cheap electronic organ stuck in an endless loop of monotonous, hypnotically repetitive rhythm left over from a looney tunes cartoon.
When Torgo stumbles out of the "Master's" shoddy desert shack the world goes to hell for the really dense couple and child who accept his reluctant hospitality. Meanwhile, out by the "Master's" sacrificial alter, his bickering zombie harem girls dressed in filmy nighties and industrial strength bra and panties tumble in the sands over who is his Number One wife and who should be killed next.
Tragically,Torgo falls under a soft rain of feather-weight blows about the head from the master's wives after nuzzling one of them and then trying to stake a claim to the new girl. With Torgo's knees out of the way, the master recruits the new comers into his bizarre "hands-on" world and repeats the sinister cycle that is, Manos, Hands of Fate.
Robot Monster (1953)
ape life in a bubbling cave
Ro-man, wearing a structurally challenged diving helmet and a rented gorilla costume, comes to Earth to fulfill his evil alien race's master plan to eradicate hu-mans from the planet. With the help of their blinding-ball-of-light, dinosaur inducing "calcinator death ray", Ro-man snuffs out millions, but inexplicably leaves five, six, or is it seven pesky hu-mans behind to thwart the "plan".
After consulting the impatient "Great Guidance Ro-man" on his view screen and adjusting the settings on his million bubble, bubble machine, our Ro-man redoubles his efforts to locate and kill the last hu-mans. Little does he know they have been injected with a secret serum that makes them invisible to his robot helmeted scrutiny.
After recalculating their chances of survival as negative, Ro-man lumbers about the landscape looking for hu-mans to strangle. Meanwhile, back in the feeble confines of their electronically protected, open-air, bombed out cellar, our little band of earth heroes go about the business of mating and trying to escape Ro-man's optional "painful resistance death or painless surrender death."
Ro-man eventually succumbs to earth's most devastating of all weapons, a fully packed hu-man female. Alarmed their plan is about to lose to lust, "Great Guidance Ro-man" issues the command to kill her, eliciting Ro-man's famous query, "at what point on the graph does must meet cannot?" We will never know his solution since ........never mind.....I don't want to spoil the thrilling finale to one of the worst(but oh so good) movies of all time. Top ten for sure.
Yûsei ôji (1959)
Evil Plotters from outer space are stupid
Title:Prince of Space Category:Japanese Schlock sci-fi Schlock Rating: 9.5 Overall Production: 4.5 Actors: Japanese Date produced:1959
Its no secret little Japanese boys with 10X telescopes are the best astronomers and outer space watch dogs. When the haw, haw, haw, hawwwww evil plotter, The Phantom, with the chicken beak nose, bristly eyebrows and mustache, wiggling chin pouch and jock-less pants shows up in a weedy field outside Tokyo in his "rotating augur" space ship, our intrepid junior space watchers have no trouble beating the clueless "old fart" authorities to the spot.
Soon the Earth (Japan ) finds itself in danger of conquest by Krankor, that well-known evil planet from somewhere out there in space. After a few quick zings from the Phantom's rotating glass eye ray gun let's the crowd know he ain't fooling around, another mysterious fire and smoke emitting "reversed wheel barrow" space ship shows up.
Enter Krankor's nemesis, the self-proclaimed Prince of Space wearing mask and spiffy satin cape. The strangely charitable but invulnerable Prince laughs at the Phantom's relentless and totally ineffectual ray gun zingers and blithely flies through the release of caustic vapors on his way to thwarting the evil one's stupid plans to steal secret rocket fuel plans and conquer earth.
Breathe easy Earth. Gout-kneed inept henchmen, X-radars in 54 Chevy station wagons, flaky pie dough bumbling giants, thorium bombs; nothing stops the mild-mannered, secretly disguised Prince from saving the day.
The Brain Leeches (1978)
the brain recoils in horror
Move over Plan 9? Maybe, maybe not. This is either the worst movie of all time or an intentional effort to make it so. The evidence points to a clever effort to purposely make a bad movie. The audience is treated to a variety of creatively employed camera tricks, amateurish acting and intentionally poor editing to simulate inept film production, but instead, the techniques used to "dumb down" the production are so blatant that the incredulous mind begins to take notice of the unintended artistic effects.
The plot, what little can be detected, is subordinate to the artsy camera effects, including several different types of diffusion filters that give you the impression the film has been buried underground in a cardboard box for eons. At times the scenes are so murky, diffused and poorly lighted that they take on the appearance of an impressionist's painting. There is also a suspicion the producers used cheap, horribly out-of-date film stock made in the old Soviet Union in combination with a cracker jack prize, toy movie camera, but by whatever means, the effect leaves the mind wandering in a dark, moody surreal landscape populated with anonymous faces moving about with unrelated purpose or meaning.
Beware! Do not stare too long or listen too closely to the dark, enigmatic scenes in which the "brain leech" spokesman keys an obsolete electric microphone to lay out their plans for conquering earth. His electric spark gizmo, unresolved, glowing eyes form and hypnotic whispers of doom will unlock your brain, allowing one of the wiggling, rubber ant "brain leeches" to crawl up your arm, invade your hapless skull and control your mind for your own good.
Earth's only hope of salvation takes a hideous and totally unexpected turn when two horny teenagers make love and then ram their 1968 Plymouth Barricuda into the abandoned garage where the brain leech gang is hiding out.
Not of This Earth (1957)
Dracula has competition
Earth is in trouble. On the planet known as Davana, good fresh blood from subhuman earthlings is in high demand, so whatever you do, don't look at the collector's eyes. Poof
.there goes your brain, burnt to a crisp. You have been "dispatched" and shortly after, you "donate" your blood to his nifty body-draining siphon-in-a-brief-case.
The collector has his own blood issues but with the help of his snoopy thug chauffeur he is able to motor around in a black 1957 Cad to get help from nurse Garland and do a little research in the local library. No need to worry about his ability to control people with mental telepathy, nor should you be concerned about that hi-tech dimensional warp cleverly disguised as his closet, the crematory and blood bank in the basement, or the ultra creepy floating bat thing with deformed antenna and a dome like skirt that he lets out of a glass tube to float through your window, envelope your head and do unspeakable things to your helpless noggin.
Before we all become blood donors for Davana's red cross, will we discover the collector's Achilles Heel in time to save nurse Beverly from a one way trip through the dimensional warp? The answer is not of this earth.
Rocketship X-M (1950)
Lloyd Bridges learns to breath in outer space
With Rocketship XM, a trip to the moon is like a trip to the corner grocery. No need for any time consuming pre-flight preparations or complex calculations for a jaunt through thousands of miles of vacuum and titanic gravitational forces. Just review a chalk board drawing of the XM's easy-as-pie layout, joke around with the press, then saunter over to the launch pad with your crew a few minutes before departure. It might be a little chilly in outer space so wear your leather jackets. Unless good ole XM runs into a shower of crackerjacks, its supposed to be air tight, so helmets or other protective gear is optional.
What a crazy trip it turned out to be. A twist of the dial here, a pull of the lever there, and a few pencil and paper miscalculations later, the XM makes an unscheduled U-turn to Mars. Space flight can be tricky and full of surprises for the unwary traveler.
But what the heck. Since you're there, might as well hop down for a little scientific exploration. Mars ain't so bad after all but the air's a little thin. Better bring along your oxygen mask and a few weapons in case you run into a little trouble with the local natives who have devolved into sickly cavemen after toasting their planet with nukes.
On the way back be sure to warn the worried folks back home what can happen if they play around with nukes and ask them to be understanding about the mess you're going to make out of XM because your side trip to Mars used too much fuel. Happy smack down.
Ape (1976)
King Kong's Korean kousin flips off Army
It's the same old story. King Kong's Korean kousin takes time off from stomping toy houses and wrestling rubber sharks and snakes to abduct a scantily clad starlet on a movie set. His intentions are totally misunderstood when he carts her away to his mountain hideaway. However, her screams soon turn to, "be gentle with me, big guy", and another giant ape and hot babe romance is born.
Her honeymoon with the big guy is soon broken up by jealous boyfriend, who steals her back, only to hear, "there was something oddly appealing about the way he held me". Can puny human boyfriend ever compete with a 36 foot ape's appealing grip?
Saddened by the loss of his girl, KKKk takes a hike to Seoul, Korea to see if he can get her back. Not one for polite inquiry, his peeping tom act and rude rooftop razing finally yields his prize blond babe and once again she gets to enjoy an appealing hairy paw ride. The local army brass takes issue with his ill manners, unleashing its most potent weapon, interminable phone conversations designed to bore everyone to death.
In the final battle royale, toy tanks fire their bottle rockets and a squad of infantry bravely charges forward, brandishing their rifle muzzles at the sensitive big guy, who responds with volleys of Styrofoam boulders hurled down sagging wires to smash and somehow blow up toy tanks with lethal 3-D efficiency.
Wrapping it up, the misunderstood big guy succumbs to a hail of fireworks and his babe goes on to make a movie in which she uses him for a rug.
Movie highlights: In the midst of fierce battle our nubby carpeted giant ape takes the time to smugly flip off a tormenting helicopter that crashes into a cliff.
The Day the Earth Stood Still (1951)
bend over and kiss your b--- goodbye
Without peer, the ultimate hackle raising, scary "robot in a flying saucer from outer space" movie with the ultimate hair raising theramin based soundtrack.
Crawl in absolute limb-paralyzing terror with Pat Neal when she is trapped in the corner by Gort. Scream in mindless horror when his "Pandora's door to death" visor slides open like liquid mercury and begins its irrevocable blinking count-down scan of her helpless form. Frantically yell out Klaatu's three secret code words that she must summon through the fog of her terror-seized brain or be incinerated by Gort. Never forget them. Burn them into your brain and train your tongue to repeat them with absolutely perfect diction in a loud, clear voice or the earth will be obliterated like a fly flung into the sun.
However, how was the 10 foot tall lumbering silver robot, Gort, able to walk undetected through the streets to rescue his injured pal in jail and then return him to the saucer without so much as a pea-shooter being raised against him? Never mind
..just look on with jaw-dropping awe as the saucer's ramp silently telescopes back into the ship. Run like the wind before its glowing gale of magnetic winds snatches you into the air like a scrap of paper in a hurricane.
Did you get that final ominous speech? Will your pitiful thoughts and insignificant life ever be coherent again? Will your puny world heed the message of warning or suffer a REPEAT visit from Gort?
Diamante Lobo (1976)
Shoot Padres and die
Tonight's feature: God's Gun, starring rusty but willing Jack Palance, Lee Van Cleef, really rusty Richard Boone and lil Leif Garrett.
Howdy partner. Tonight's hash house dinner special is a tasty plate of warmed over spaghetti western, prepared with has-been sauce and served with wanna-be bread. For desert we will have menacing grimaces a la Jack Palance and Lee Van Cleef. After dinner mints by Leif Garrett. Drinks by rickety-but game, Richard Boone.
Strap on yer feed bag partner and watch Jack and his blood thirsty gang bring down the wrath of God's Gun when they gun down Padre Lee Van Cleef. Seems the Padre has a gun toting twin brother, also Lee Van Cleef, who doesn't cotton to such dastardly deeds. Along with the charming help of loquacious Leif, lil bud of the dispatched Padre, gun slinging Lee hatches a clever plot to freak out the nasties rather than waste a lot of lead on them.
Instead of swaggering into town, guns ablazing, gun toting Lee dresses up as his bible totin twin brother and magically appears in a swirling mist before the unbelieving eyes of his killers. How kin this be? We done killed him dead already. Seems the ghostly image of the departed Padre unnerved the godless ones and they self destruct one by one until only Jack is left. Kinda figured that all along didn't ya.
Its down to menacing grimace versus menacing grimace now an' who gonna blink first? But wait! What's this about lil Leif bein Jack's unknown kid. Conflict of interest is resolved when gun totin Lee blasts tricky Jack and rides off into the sunset with Leif and Sybil Danning, his saloon gal mom.
Film highlights: hands down best is the flinging away of the bible like a skeet shoot target when the Padre gets bushwhacked
closely followed by the Padre's prolonged, staggering around, death scene with three or four 30 caliber rifle bullets in him. If those don't get ya then Sheriff Richard Boone's helium-induced squeaky voice-over will.
Daikyojû Gappa (1967)
monster maternal love
A new entry will have to be created in the dumb-looking dinosaur/monster book of fame. Place this discovery under G for "Gappa" and log in its defining features as a prehistoric bird-lizard, complete with the biggest pair of stumpy feathered thighs any bird ever had and be sure to note its amazing ability to sustain flight for its mega-ton body merely by opening its wings.
For his grand idea of a tropical theme park, Japanese magazine publisher has his minions abduct a baby "Gappa" for use as a prop but Mom and Pop Monster take exception. Copying a few clips from Godzirra's famous expose on how to trash puny humans and their equally lame weapons with hot Japanese wasabi breath, Mr. and Mrs. Gappa alternatively "fly" over and laboriously stomp through a thicket of Japanese toy villages on their way to retrieve junior.
Do the desperate but determined Mom and Pop make it through the toy tank and firecracker gauntlet to rescue their homesick toddler? Bring a hankie for the grand finale reunion. It will touch your heartstrings as well as your funny bone.
Wild Guitar (1962)
Ms Vickie can skate but Archie can't sing
Tonight's feature: Wild Guitar, starring Arch Hall Jr. and Ms. Vicky.
Oh, where to begin? Just say Arch Hall Jr. and you have a good start. He has it all. The pushed in, pug nosed, beady eyed face that only a mother could love. The massive, "wish a mad barber would chop it off" type of hair that he can't stop running his comb through endlessly.
Its not hard for Arch to play the dumb hick from sticksville USA. He's a natural. Can anyone do the chicken neck, wide beady-eyed look better than Arch? Can anyone claim to be any more wooden or sing and deliver lines with more obvious raw amateurism? No need to answer.
The crowd that went wild at his fortuitous singing debut must have been paid off or they were listening to something off stage that we didn't see. Aside from the absorbing plot points, of which there were many, the highlight of the film has to be the hip three stooges act that abducts Arch for a ransom. I was on my knees begging for relief by the time they finished their negotiations with Arch over how much money to demand.
No wait, the real highlight was Arch's touching, molasses slow, romantic ballad to his girlfriend, Vicky. Dogs two blocks away howled for hours after he hit those yodeling off pitch high note croons.
Wild guitar? Arch! Pick it up or Ms. Vicky is going to dump you and go back to ice skating.
Billy the Kid Versus Dracula (1966)
bullets vs the undead
The odds makers were giving 1000 to 1 against Billy out-dueling Dracula for his girlfriend. Drac had everything going for him, the curious ability to withstand the glare of the intense Western sun, the skill, without any visible fangs, to inflict 4 neck puncture wounds instead of the standard two, the capability to generate a frightening red hot glowing light on his face while hypnotizing his victims, AND the talent to single handedly decorate a dull, abandoned cave with a red velvet-covered bed suitable for deflowering naïve virgins.
As for Billy, his Ms Goodytwoshoes girlfriend had him so domesticated that he couldn't even win a simple fistfight with a rebellious cowhand, much less bring down the undead.
Billy the Kid vs Dracula opens the door to a whole bunch of intriguing match-ups between sinister historical characters. What about the Boston Strangler vs the Fiend without a Face?