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Reviews
Adaptation. (2002)
Adapting to monotony
Question: When does one come to the realization that a movie is desparately shaping up to be ONE HUGE BOREFEST? Answer: When one begins FAST FORWARDING thru the Dvd just 30 minutes into said movie.
Well, I finally found a movie WORSE than Being John Malkovich, and its Adaptation. This stuff must appeal to the lonely losers and schmoes of the world. If this is "high art", I'll take Armageddon type flicks ANYDAY. Score: 1 (AWEFUL) Btw, the Dvd transfer is as rotten as the flick.
Jackass: The Movie (2002)
Makes Freddy Got Fingered seem like CITIZEN KANE
Truly, this is a movie made by low class idiots for low class idiots to enjoy.... and I ENJOYED Freddy Got Fingered! This is a pathetic attempt at humor. If seeing fecal matter, and innocent people being the brunt of your folly is hilarious to you, then be my guest. This stuff is made for geeks and losers who like to set-up make-shift wrestling rings in their back yards and have their low lofe friends hit them over the head with light bulbs and chairs after they jump off the roof of their parents' house. The only time I (WILL) (EVER) laugh at the antics of the JACKASS crew is when I hear that they are confined to wheelchairs and have someone wipe their pathetic asses due to one of them eventually becoming crippled... will THAT make lovers of this trash laugh then? I know (I) will.
Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone (2001)
BORING
I was VERY DIS-Enchanted by this movie. Wooden acting, special effects that are shoddy, or at best, "ok". Return of the Jedi is HIGH ART compared to this snore-fest. Parents, do your children a favor, and introduce them to The Wizard of Oz before THIS mess, and watch how their good taste in film will come alive with Oz, and how they will FALL ASLEEP with this clunker. I really like Bicentennial Man (directed by Chris Columbus as well) but I felt NOTHING magical with Harry Potter....it cannot be cause I am an adult.....I still admire Wizard of Oz...I even think Hocus Pocus is cute.....but this movie? NO WAY. 6/10 (and I'm being generous due to the some of the production values)
Vanilla Sky (2001)
VERY GOOD SCI FI
For those who ALSO appreciate sci fi for its STORY instead of SFX, space ships, aliens, etc (ala "GATTACA") you wont be disappointed. Tom Cruises' most unusual performance to date; and a VERY GOOD one at that. Cameron Crowe outdoes himself. I'm in dvd hog heaven; with the likes of Vanilla Sky, Memento, Mulholland Drive & Donnie Darko, I dont know what to do with myself! HOLLYWOOD...KEEP'EM COMMIN'!
Mulholland Dr. (2001)
A DREAM...CAPTURED on FILM!
In the last 10 or so years, there have only been a handful of flicks that have actually "gotten to me" and "made me think" (Usually, I am the guy who calls people NERDS when they spout off such "cliches"...but man, I gotta tell ya, this film has BLOWN ME AWAY) I have seen it 3 times now. The first time, I dozed off twice, but went back to see what I missed (in fairness to the flick)It was fairly interesting, but I was kinda bored. The ending annoyed me. But yet, this film "stayed with me" for a week. I went here to Imdb to read others' opinions, and found that maybe I was shortchanging this film (like I did at first with Memento) and didnt WANT to like it, cause it was CHALLENGING me to THINK. (I know, another cliche phrase) I rented it again and sat thru it with somewhat of an idea of what was going on. By the time the scene where the diva is singing "Crying" in Spanish, I was enraptured by this movie. By the ending, I was BLOWN AWAY. The third time I seen it, I was STILL noticing nuances in Namoi Watts' "Becky"/Diane charactor. The fact that this girl didnt get nominated for an Academy Award is a TRAVESTY of the HIGHEST ORDER. I think I witnessed one of the single greatest peformances of an actress in the last decade! Generally, I am not into ANYTHING "surreal"...but what David Lynch has accomplished here is downright ERRIE! He has captured the way we/I DREAM on film! The way we "interpose" people, places, names, etc....and yet when we awake and try to explain what seemed so LOGICAL in our dream, is now just an incoherant BABBLE to our waking brain. BUT...I can honestly state that what makes this film a MASTERPIECE to behold, is that he (Lynch) is able to make what we have just seen, 98% explainable....when was the last time we awoke from a dream and were able to explain 50% in a logical manner? This film is a bittersweet, tragic and sad tale of broken dreams, broken hearts...and broken minds. Symbolic without being pretentious....CHOKE ON THAT INGMAR BERGMAN! Is Mulholland Drive the BEST film I have ever seen? No....but its up there...it IS however, the MOST FASCINATING piece of filmmaking ever committed to celluoid...and I remain STUNNED. Thank you Mr. Lynch.
Me, Myself & Irene (2000)
INSTANT CARREY CLASSIC!
How this only rates a 5.9.....SAD...this is FARRELLY COMEDY at their BEST! At least it made a profit. If you like your comedy BALLS OUT FUNNY BOUNDRY CROSSING, then THIS is for YOU! This goes with the GREATS: Somthing About Mary, Dumb & Dumber....this flick DESERVES at LEAST a 7/10 RATING....Its PATHETIC how many here LACK TASTE in TRUE COMEDY.
Panic Room (2002)
Cant believe this is beating BLADE II at the box office...
SPOILERS This seemed VERY contrived...not exactly a bad thing; but it could have been so much more. Once Foster was out, why didnt she put on some shoes instead of walking over the glass she laid? Once the robbers were in the panic room with the daughter, wouldnt YOU (as a robber have the upper hand, by threatening her life...EVEN if Foster had the gun?) And the TOTALLY IMPLAUSIBLE ending where the cops BURST into the home AFTER everything was resolved....yeah, right....but the part that really bugged me was...she DID NOT give a signal to the cop.....but even if a cop was acting on a hunch....is the Police Department going to authorize an AMBUSH break-in not knowing what the situation was, thus possibly jeopardizing innocent life? AND...was it necessary for Whitaker's charactor to MURDER Yokam's?...especially since Whitaker doesnt want anything to do with MURDER...PERIOD....couldnt he have PUSHED Yokum from behind, put the gun to his head and threatened, etc, etc....FINCHER's WEAKEST film. 5/10
Thir13en Ghosts (2001)
If your EYES aint attached to your BRAIN you might like it
WOW...COOL visuals and....and....NOTHING ELSE! This is one stupid movie folks. Eye candy for people with lobotomies. Terrible writing, miscasting, and acting that's not up to par...Oh,...and it even has the OBLIGATORY (BLACK) charactor to run around saying things like, "Crazy white people," etc... NOTHING original here at all. NOTE TO ACTORS: Whenever ya get a script that involves ghosts and haunted houses, go to the END of the script FIRST...and if it ends with the haunted house BLOWING UP, thereby defeating the powers of darkness once again....TURN THE ROLE DOWN! 2/10
Blade II (2002)
Still trying to catch my breath!
Whew! Blade II is one WILD, KINETIC, FRENETIC, & ENERGETIC THRILL RIDE! I liked "Blade"...but Blade II is 3X better, cooler, faster, meaner, and sped up! Somebody CHAIN this director to a movie set until he cranks out at LEAST 2 MORE! RUN..(or drive)...but dont HESITATE to see this flick! This was COOL! :)
Blade II (2002)
Still trying to catch my breath!
Whew! Blade II is one WILD, KINETIC, FRENETIC, & ENERGETIC THRILL RIDE! I liked "Blade"...but Blade II is 3X better, cooler, faster, meaner, and sped up! Somebody CHAIN this director to a movie set until he cranks out at LEAST 2 MORE! RUN..(or drive)...but dont HESITATE to see this flick! This was COOL! :)
The Time Machine (2002)
VERY GOOD UPDATE
Entertaining movie. yeah it has some flaws, but so did the Rod Taylor version. Nice remake, fast moving....sure it could've been "deeper"...but its still a fun, bittersweet flick, with GREAT special effects, and an EXCELLANT looking TIME MACHINE, a cool cameo appearance by Jeremy Irons as a leader Morlock rounds it all out. A little more intelligent than the 1960's version. Help this flick out at the box office...its worth it! :)
Resident Evil (2002)
YESSSSsssssss!!!!!
HOLY SHNIKIES!
Not a "gamer", never saw the game either. But this flick ROCKS! Some folks here with NO TASTE have said Paul Anderson's Event Horizon & Soldier STINK....but yet still like this film...well, glad they liked it, but they dont have a clue about what good sci-fi IS...oh they will will ALWAYS say, "BLADE RUNNER" & "ALIEN"...which are good flicks....but get the HELL out of the past people! You're NEVER gonna enjoy a sci fi flick if you keep comparing it to the same 2 movies ALL THE TIME! Jeesh...get over it already.
THAT said, Its about TIME a Zombie flick has come along, that with the exception of "Night of the Living Dead", has finally flushed the bad tatse out of my mouth that was left there with Romero's INSIPIDLY LOUD, BADLY ACTED, BADLY SFX'd and MAKEUP'd Zombie remakes.... DOWN with DAWN and DAY OF THE DEAD...LONG LIVE RESIDENT EVIL & its SEQUELS!!!
The St. Francisville Experiment (2000)
FAR BETTER THAN BLAIR WITCH
To me, BWP has NO, NONE, ZERO replay value. BWP CONSTANTLY uses profanity to seem "real" and offers such a SMALL payoff at the end, it just isnt worth it to me. Now THIS film, is another story. First, let me say to those who say St. Francisville "rips off Blair Witch"...get real, you saps, BWP ripped off The Last Broadcast! (Which by the way is BETTER than BWP...though its ending is VERY different than BWP & St. Francisville. (which by the way, THOSE 2 films are practically DEVOID of SWEAR WORDS...good for them!) Now, if any geeks out there claim that BWP makes them squirt their undies, cause its so scary...then STAY AWAY from this one...cause it CREEPS you out! Simply put, if you want "just a little more scary stuff" thrown in than what BWP offered...but at the same time...like the feeling of NOT KNOWING...and not actually SEEING anything, then "The St. Francisville Experiment" is the PERFECT ticket....SCARY STUFF!
The Blair Witch Project (1999)
CRAP ON A STICK
If your opinion of SCARY is watching episodes of Kolchak: The Night Stalker...then this is for you. Okay, that said, I see no value in this film....but if folks out there "like" it...whatever...fine. But if you are gonna tell me that THIS actually SCARED you?....then I suggest you stay in your house for the rest of your life, cause crossing against the light on a DESERTED STREET is SCARIER than this junk. If yelling, out of control, CONSTANTLY SWEARING and telling each other to "shut the camera" THROUGHOUT the movie is for you, then God Bless. However, if you WANT to be spooked, I suggest checking out The St. Francisville Experiment for REAL CHILLS, and an attempt at a mock documentary of what it may actually be like investigating a REAL haunted house. (No the house aint really haunted, but the film is MUCH better) Did it borrow the idea from Blair Witch?...sure did...they even ask in the film if anyone seen "BWP"...but so what...it not only borrowed the idea...it SURPASSED it....and please, for the love of God, do yourself a favor and see 'The Last Broadcast'...the film that BWP went to and "borrowed" from.
Rollerball (2002)
Roll -yer- Eyeballs
Once again, another stupid movie is cranked out of Hollywood...and for STUPID people, this is ALWAYS great news...however, for those who insist on having such "minor" things in a film...Oh, such as: Plot, good directing, decent acting, its yet another let down. Oh, and men who LOOK like MEN...ie; Chris Klien....what is a femm' boy doing in a movie that should be about folks with RUGGED appearances? Isnt Rollerball supposed to be a mix of VIOLENT SPORTS?...Pretty boys need not apply for a film like this..this is a movie that demands the looks and attitude of an Ice-Cube or ANY other actor EXCEPT those who look like Freddie Prinze Jr. or Chris Klien! It seems the CASTING directors are about as STUPID in picking actors for roles these days as dim witted nephews of Producers get picked to write screenplays. The problem is with the almighty BUCK. A casting director looks at the DEMOGRAPHICS of which "star" will draw folks to a film...paying NO ATTENTION to the THEME of the movie, the PLOT or what TYPE of performer is needed. I also blame the DIRECTOR...dont these "mouthpieces" ever step in a say, "hell no, he aint right for the part". But then again, they got their paycheck so why rock the boat... If anyone out there in Hollywood land, ever has a need for someone with INTELLIGENCE give me a call.
No profanar el sueño de los muertos (1974)
Stinks, but better than Fulci's CRAP
Hey, at least it has a PLOT and makes sense! Too bad its BORING to "Nth" degree though. The detective was TERRIBLY acted and TOTALLY UNBELIEVABLE. It just didnt ring true, with all his BS accusations before FACTS came in. The Zombies are BORING...there isnt ENOUGH of them...Question: Why one minute do they walk SLOW, then the next, they're POUNCING on people? Also, How do the Zombies KNOW where the cast is gonna end up at?....How are they getting to destinations BEFORE the actors DRIVING in CARS do? The ending was completely STUPID, as was the rest of the film. How come Night of the Living Dead is Very Good, and can be used as a template...but nobody does? Save your money...
Ravenous (1999)
UNDERRATED GEM!
How did this not get properly acknowledged, I'll never know. Excellant blending of DARK comedy, drama, and subtle horror, with some supernatural overtones. Just like the cover says: a blend of cannibal/vampire...a WEENDIGO! Great outdoor feel set in a civil war backdrop...cool musical score as well. Robert Carlyle is GREAT! This one gets an 8/10 Get the DVD!
Opera (1987)
Style with NO SUBSTANCE
...But isnt that what ALL of Argentos' movies are about?....It just never ends....these dumb Italian gore flicks....Oh my....look at those ravens find the killer and peck his eyeball out...now watch the one bird eat it! Silly, stupid, dumb....Oh my, the killer locked himself in a room with NO WINDOWS and only ONE DOOR, sets a fire, has the girl think he burned in it...but wait..he PULLED A MANNEQUINN OUT OF NOWHERE, to buy himself from time in his escape...BUT...how did he escape that room? Remember that the girl got the key from his burning pocket? But wait, that was a FAKE key he went thru ALL THAT TROUBLE to put into the "dummys" pocket...then everyone will go to the alps and catch the killer, she will say, "I'm NOT my mother" free a lizard from a branch..just to show us how PURE and a LOVER of ALL life she is...and then lay down among the flowers and grass just being happy...OH MY GOD....somebody PLEASE STOP GIVING MONEY TO THESE HACK Italian "FILMAKERS"!!!
Ghost Story (1981)
MAJOR LETDOWN
All that talent.....but when ya have poor direction, and a WEAK screenplay, it doesnt matter WHO is in a movie. Very tired attempt at telling a tale..which was actually interesting in the beginning, but then QUICKLY fell apart toward the end....to bad.
Lola rennt (1998)
DUMB
An 8.3 RATING? You people gotta be kidding me! This movie is a perfect example of my "Crap on a Stick" theory. (If someone sees crap on a stick in an alley, its nothing more than crap on a stick..but if it was presented in an ART GALLERY, you guys would look at it different, as if it MEANT SOMETHING, when in actuality, it is STILL...CRAP on a STICK. I wonder if this claptrap didnt have a "driving TECHNO score" to it, how many would still think its "cool" Yes, this film had some STYLE to it....but yet went NOWHERE in terms of SUBSTANCE. Both of these LOSERS get killed, but yet somehow, they get to imagine how it would all work out if they used their time differently? Was the supernatural involved in letting them have a sort of "Groundhog Day" til they "got it right? If not, I certainly dont buy into Lola "imagining" these scenarios while she runs..because none of what she imagines would "FIT" the plot and things that the director has going on in the movie that Lola could not POSSIBLY KNOW! And if THATS the case...then the director SUCKS for playing fast and loose with the material. Also...this is a VERY BADLY DUBBED FLICK...Even the original GERMAN sports LAME English subtitles! Stupid, unprofessionally written script. I will admit that this film held my interest in the beginning, but it sinks big time...not to mention the fact we have to relive her scenarios 3 times!....and what the HELL was up with the screaming that shatters glass?.....Not that ALL American films are good, but this is a perfect example of why AMERICAN CINEMA RULES!
La maschera del demonio (1960)
Enough Atmosphere to Choke 10 Universal Horror Movies!
WOW! This is Mario Bavas' first (official) debut as a director and probably his BEST HORROR film. For an Italian horror movie, it ROCKS! It has decent acting, EXCELLANT directing, a well written script and BEAUTIFUL BLACK & WHITE IMAGERY and atmosphere that puts the 30's & 40s Universal B&W horror flicks TO SHAME! Vampirism, ghosts, curses, witches...and the uncanny EYES of Barbara Steele! A well paced GOTHIC film that holds up even today...Hack-Meisters, Dario Argento & Lucio Fulci COMBINED on their BEST DAY with the assistance of REAL MONSTERS couldnt come close to directing such a film! BRAVVOO Maestro Bava! BRAAVO!!! GET THIS ON DVD...NOW!
Rose Red (2002)
Oh brother....
Stephen King is like nails on a chalkboard...when are we gonna get some Clive Barker stuff for television? This movie is UN-Scary....Emry (the fat kid) show no fear at all when spooks make a visit to his home....but yet he's TERRIFIED once he sees them at the HOUSE ITSELF?....where he EXPECTS to see them?.....which it seems he has done before?.....whats the point of closing his eyes in fear? I thought these people were "PROS"?...."Wait Annie, dont do that...come back"...but yet NOBODY GRABS HER? The Prof. wanted "just some collective proof" of a haunting...EVERYONE experienced this BEFORE they retired to sleep....so what was the point of them STAYING?...Just as STUPID and LONG as Storm of the Century....*ugh*
Chasing Sleep (2000)
SLEEP will be CHASING YOU!
If you have insomnia and are wary about taking prescription medications, then this CLUNKER of film should do the trick! I rented this on the strength of imdb comments....I should know better when it comes to "psych thrillers" and "horror genres" that my taste doesnt reflect 3/4 of the population. I have no problem when a movie contains an ambiguous ending...BUT...when a director leaves the viewer without even THAT MUCH, the film then becomes a "so whats the point of the whole DAMN THING ANYWAY? I dont buy into the "art house" symbolism crowd either. The acting is okay, the directing is okay, but there isnt enough of a STORY, other than, did he or didnt he?....and if thats all the director was going for...then again I ask...SO WHAT? who CARES?.....and though I have no problems with sex scenes in a movie(as long as there is a reason for it) what was the point of this film to have a minor one....except to "just film a sex scene"...yeah, really original...If you like a story that goes ABSOLUTLEY NOWHERE, then CHASING SLEEP is for you....
...E tu vivrai nel terrore! L'aldilà (1981)
Typical Italian Hackjob Horror Movie
My fault in watching a horror movie...ANY horror movie, is that I DEMAND some sense of LOGIC...JUST SOME mind you...I know, how DARE I be so arrogant....yeah, right. This movie and those of its "ILK" are strictly for those who have an affinity for CULT movies, with BAD ACTING, BAD DIRECTING, NON SENSICAL PLOT and CHEAP GORY SPECIAL EFFECTS...if you like that sort of thing, then this flick is right up your alley, dont get me wrong, I LOVE outright horror and gore...the problem is, while 3/4 of the population ACCEPT the crap that is put out as such, I however remain on my search. If you like your horror to make SENSE, then stick with stuff like, The Exorcist, The Omen, The Haunting (1960 version PLEASE!), yes, even Lost Souls. If you are the type who has no problem viewing crap on a stick, then Fulci films are for you.
Rock Star (2001)
ROCK ON!
This is a pretty decent film. It would have been nice if a little Cameron Crowe or Paul Thomas Anderson style was infused into it, but its not a bad effort. The songs are GREAT...as well as the performances of Mark Wahlberg and Jennifer Aniston...these 2 SHINE. I HIGHLY recommend the DVD..the image is INCREDIBLY SHARP and BURSTING with COOL use of color! The Rock show scenes are TOTALLY REALISTIC as well. ENJOY!