Reviews

I'm at a loss. I thought Indiana Jones was about an adventuring archeologist hunting ancient religious artifacts to be preserved in museums. And the first 20 minutes confirm that sentiment.

And to be fair, John Williams' fantastic score reminds me that I did walk into the right showing. But instead of a rousing epic, I witnessed a strange concoction of overblown ideas, baffling casting choices, plot conveniences, bad dialogue, and some of the worst written characters I can remember. Especially Helena, who's played by a talented PWB but is written to be an insufferable, pedantic braggart.

There's a strange veneer that makes everything resemble something familiar. But it all feels off. Even the deepfakery produced some chuckles in the theatre.

There's some fun scenes and cameos and I enjoyed the villain. But calling this an Indiana Jones movie? Maybe Illinois Jones.

Well, it's about robots from outer space so just turn your brain off for maximum enjoyment. If you told me the script was AI-generated, I'd believe it.

But is it entertaining? Depends on your definition. If you want to see robots and humans hunting MacGuffins, clashing and brawling for their respective fates, painfully cringe dialog and jokes, and a predictable plot? Then yes, it's entertaining.

I'm a sucker for 90s hip-hop, so hearing Tribe and Wu-Tang was a pleasant surprise. I also appreciate the dynamic lighting and how the robots are integrated into their environments. They don't stick out too much or look odd.

Until they talk. Then most of the immersion goes right out the window. Nearly every robot-spoken word is delivered with the gusto of the movie trailer voiceover guy bellowing cliches like ancient creeds.

And yet, as the 3rd act progressed I found myself starting to be won over, almost like a case of Stockholm Syndrome. Maybe because I stopped thinking about it. Maybe the movie itself became a visual lobotomy.

I almost want to recommend this. Not because it's good, but because it's bad in ways that are endearing and sort of fun.

...because it's excellent on so many levels, yet remains criminally unwatched. After the embarrassing Book of Boba Fett and the shameless character assassination of Kenobi, it's no wonder so many fans have overlooked this. Who could blame them? After bringing back legacy characters to be upstaged, humiliated, and cast away in the Disney trilogy? Inexcusable.

But now, a new hope is seen in Andor, a smart, gritty, mature take on the grassroots of the rebellion, the chain of command of the Empire, and the lives of citizens in Imperial territories. And the Gilroys get to flex all their muscles to build worlds, flesh out interesting characters in settings that feel authentic, and tell a story with nuance and subtext that is better than it has any right to be.

Diego Luna is back as Andor is decent enough, but Genevieve O'Reilly as Mon Mothma knocks it out of the park. And Stellan Skarsgard has terrific moments that that will give you goosebumps.

Highly recommended.

When a film starts off with a word from the director or cast members, I'm typically left rolling my eyes. But for the creator to appear and emphasize his shoestring budget and a production time of over half a decade, whether intentional or not, comes across as an attempt to insulate from criticism. It won't affect this review. Here's an honest take.

The film does a great job of portraying Abraham as a tragic figure plagued by the dread of carrying out an unthinkable act commanded by God. Visually stunning at times, there's no denying Helling's skill. The natural lighting and simple sets work effectively for their purposes. Unfortunately, Helling's use of long cuts overstay their welcome and at times feel hackneyed and other times indulgent. Scorsese or Malick he's not, but Helling certainly has solid instincts for capturing the mood.

The script is effective enough and the acting decent. It's interesting that the when God talks it's a booming voiceover drenched in reverb. It's not bad, maybe just a little cheesy.

The pacing leaves a bit to be desired, even though I appreciated going back and forth between the journey to the scenes with Sarah over the years. The journey itself was mostly a walking simulator and talking by a fire. Some extracurricular drama keeps things interesting without straying too far from the text. The actors inject effective pathos throughout.

Helling has shown promise with His Only Son and I'm eager to see what he's capable of in the future.

65/100.

How would Netflix treat this video game IP? Would it be with the care and remarkable execution of Arcane, Cyberpunk, or Castlevania? Or the utterly inexcusable disregard for the source material of Resident Evil or The Witcher: Blood Origin?

Thankfully, it's much more toward the former. It's not perfect. Plenty of cringe dad jokes and script deficiencies. But the execution, imagination, design, and voice acting are all exceptional. Urkle's not voicing Sonic, Tails is actually likable, and the side characters all get good treatment. And how many kids' shows do you see a Tarantino reference in? Yeah, it's in there.

Had a lot of fun with this one. Recommended.

Dinklage reprises his off Broadway role as the sword-wielding wordsmith Cyrano and proves that indeed the pen is mightier.

First off, rarely have I felt so strongly that a trailer be such a heinous misrepresentation. It looked and sounded like garbage in the preview but the finished product was smooth as silk.

For the most part that is. While Peter Dinklage steals the show with a fine performance, his singing is less impressive and overly processed.

The cinematography, musical numbers, costumes, and pacing are excellent. While no one shines as bright as Dinklage, his supporting cast is decent and can certainly sing. And for a 30 million dollar budget this looks and feels like a bigger production.

I'm not a huge musical fan, but I found plenty to enjoy here.

Tldr: recommended.

What a strange beast. At its worst, it's a long form music video shamelessly bordering on indulgent idol worship. At its best, an unexpectedly touching romantic comedy that delivers some good laughs and great fun.

A Jennifer Lopez fan I am not, but it's more just indifference than anything else. She's decent in this. I am a fan of Owen Wilson and he's great in this. And how they end up together is so hilariously outlandish and baffling, you'll want to keep watching...as long as you can prepare yourself for...

My biggest gripe: I didn't know I'd be watching "Jenny from the block" performing concerts nearly 1/4 of the time, which makes a sizable chunk feel like an insufferable vanity project. To me, that is. If you're a fan, you'll probably love it. Not every song's bad, either. Just be prepared.

I can only assume that Reacher was originally written as an imposing giant and physical specimen, the former being the most noticeably absent with McQuarrie's Tom Cruise entry. So Ritchson definitely looks the part. And we're reminded of it by a slew of height jokes, some welcome levity with a slightly wooden lead actor and a standard story.

Reacher, an ex-military drifter strolls into a small town and immediately arouses the suspicion of the locals and the fuzz. If it sounds like Rambo, yeah. But imagine Rambo as a quiet observer, astute, keenly aware, and intelligent-like Sherlock Holmes. But perhaps he's too smart for his own good as trouble seems to seek him out despite his logical prowess.

I was torn whether or not to root for Reacher because one could argue he's an antagonist, a ruthless killer who fights dirtier than any of his foes. His mastery of psychological guerrilla warfare turns the tides in his favor when he's outnumbered or outgunned. While he usually has reasons to regulate the bad guys, sometimes he does so impulsively.

Moral ambiguity aside, Reacher has some remarkable action sequences and ties in mystery with some romance and drama. The characters are well written and the story doesn't meander too much to pad the length. It feels satisfying to watch a tactless Reacher march into injustice and correct it with his fists. But maybe that says more about me.

I wasn't familiar with the British show this is based on, but I'll check it out. While the guests aren't given a script per se, presumably they are fed lines by writers because many of the jokes are too polished to be improvised. That being said, the funniest moments seem to happen when the guest adlibs and Will Arnett has to flow with it. And when they riff with each other it works pretty well much of the time.

Of course, comedy's hard and not every swing connects, but Arnett keeps pushing buttons to find the funny. Love to see more actors with solid improv chops in season 2: Kaitlin Olson, Joel McHale (or any Community cast member), or Pete Holmes would be incredible here.

Simply put, the worst movie I've ever sat through in the theatre. I should have ditched my carpool and ubered home. After Talladega and Step Brothers, how did this happen? Words fail to capture just how dreadful and horrific this putrid dung heap is. It offends every human sensory faculty, even ones you didn't know existed. It represents the flogging, depantsing, humiliating, torturing, and eventual crucifixion of modern cinema.

Kevin James plays disgraced Saints head coach Sean Payton who, during his "bounty gate" suspension steps into a role as a coordinator for his son's youth football team. The current coaches are clueless imbeciles so Payton brings about a winning culture in a team that's known nothing but failure. With nepotism rearing it's ugly head, he also walks the fine line of leading the team without playing favorites with his kid.

The premise isn't funny in and of itself. Many of the jokes aren't either. Gross out humor, predictable story arch. And a moment when his son asks for an explanation about bounty gate? A chance for the movie to say something meaningful or interesting is met with: "It's complicated." Of course. But this movie's not complicated, because they rehashed Waterboy with the setting and somehow made it way less funny and almost instantly forgettable.

I won't knock James for taking a role like this. He's not bad here. It's a character based on a living person, something I'm not sure James has tried before (don't quote me on that). There's a few chuckles to be had early on but by the end you might be ready to lose your lunch.

You've seen the insurance commercial with the football in the baby carriage? The ball's covered in a blanket, being cradled and hushed by a lineman. Then, in the last five seconds, that same lineman pulls away the cover and prances into the end zone. Then it's over.

That's this movie. 25 seconds of schmaltzy sentimentality or family drama. 5 seconds of gridiron.

If that sounds like a skewed ratio for a sports movie, you'd be right. That might not be a problem for many. And to be fair, I enjoyed both performances from Levi and Paquin. But there should be more touchdowns and fewer letdowns.

Kurt's relationship with Brenda and her family stands front and center. While Brenda brought emotional baggage into the fold, Kurt's brand of baggage proved more toxic: a myopic singular dream to play in the NFL. The rift that develops hurts to watch, but Brenda's faith in God gives Kurt strength to discover faith of his own and to be a better man. Then Kurt reiterates his dream. Brenda supports him. Dream consumes Kurt. Brenda resents dream. Kurt tries to woo Brenda. Rinse and repeat. But where's football?

It's here and there.

I found Kurt's relationship with his coaches and teammates to be more compelling. Yet outside of a handful of instances, we only get tidbits. The football scenes are pretty good, too. Also liked seeing Kurt play against Ray Lewis.

This movie works for what it is, but make no mistake: it's a stretch to market this as a sports film. I remember that Ben Affleck flick where he's a youth basketball coach with dependency issues, and there was way more basketball than Ben hitting the bottle. Invincible? Remember the Titans? Plenty of sports action. Here? Not nearly enough.

Why?!? Why is this a Matrix movie?! This is infuriating! (I know I gave it a 6, hear me out).

Not because it's bad, mind you. I love the setup, the meta-ness, and the tongue-in-cheek jabs at Warner Bros. And the best part? You're questioning what's real again. The table's set for a solid entry for the franchise...

Until...

1) The agents. They suck. Wimps. Imbeciles. No longer are they walking tanks, intimidating and menacing. No. Neo used to have his hands full with one. Now anyone can clean their clocks.

2) The nostalgia bait. I'm glad they made another film and they took it to a different place. BUT, they had the AUDACITY to patch in scenes from the earlier movies! Whatever the intention, the result for me--and I know I'm not alone here--was catching glimpses of superior flicks and realizing that I'm stuck watching this!

3) New actors. I would have loved seeing Weaving and Fishbourne back. But when the reunion didn't work out, THEY SHOULD HAVE BEEN REWRITTEN AS DIFFERENT CHARACTERS! Even though the replacements weren't bad, they shouldn't have to rely on guys doing impressions. Let them find their own voice.

Those are the biggest gripes. Reeves and Moss seem tired of their roles and it showed. Lengthy exposition makes the pacing uneven. Some of the action looks cheap.

Now for the pros. The setup explains the gap between the movies nicely. The newer actors did fine, especially blue hair. People that love the lore will find lots of little nuggets. Like Deadpool, the 5th wall gets wrecked a lot, and it's usually funny. But most of all, seeing Neo and Trinity back together kicking butt is good for my soul. In all, it's worth a watch. At the end of the day though, I'd be much higher on this if it had nothing to do with the Matrix. And much less angry.

Wanna carve out two hours for this sucker? I've seen worse. I've seen Anna.

Imagine a world where wanted killers weave though bustling marketplaces brandishing weapons in plain view, attacking victims, and disappearing before anyone's the wiser. Or a hacker who puts Mr. Robot to shame, instantly and effortlessly breaking into a network with every live security camera in a major European city, just by twiddling her fingers over a keyboard. Welcome to The 355.

"It's a movie," you say. Of course. One must suspend disbelief for a hot minute. But that becomes quite a chore when you're given one believable character out of four. The tired espionage tropes become exhausted, and a comprehensive plot summary can be deduced after 30 minutes, less if you're keen on these things. Action sequences quick cut like a movie trailer. Stock villains. Cringe subtext. The litany of cinema transgressions runs long. And the chuckles and groans filling the theatre were proof.

But I've been harsh. The protagonists get decent backstory treatment and are forced to make difficult choices. The sound and music amp up the excitement nicely. There's some chemistry between the cast, and they do the best with what they're given. While Chastain seems out of place here, I'll shrug and acknowledge the effort since not much else was believable. And I wasn't bored watching it. I guess it comes down to how bored you are before you decide to watch it.