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Reviews
Dark Tower (1987)
Hammy and hamfisted
Watched this back in the early 90s when I would watch ANYTHING with Jenny Agutter in. This film, I remember, never made much sense to me, so I thought I'd check it out again to see if it made sense to me now I'm older. The plot is very basic (as others have pointed out on here) and I knew who was doing the killings and what was going on within the first third of the movie. But still parts of the film didn't make sense. We see the husbands reflection in a tabletop when Michael Moriarty is seemingly about to Jenny Agutter on it. Michael has premonitions, but this scene never happens in the film in real time. There's also the worst bit of continuity where a guy it talking and pointing, followed by a shot behind him where he suddenly has a glass in his hand. It's rubbish basically, but I found humour in it. Jenny Agutter is doing her American voice and is very bad in this, I've never liked any film with Michael Moriarty in and he seems like he is on quaaludes, or has some form of mental retardation. Theodore Bickle was okay though, constantly talking to himself - and they all had some funny, nonsensical lines of dialogue. The zombie looks ridiculous, but the bit where he suddenly snaps into life and grabs Agutter is the best bit! All in all, I'm glad I watched it again for all it's dreadfulness.
Das Bildnis des Dorian Gray (1970)
Entertaining trash, but doesn't make a whole lotta sense
A decent, trashy adaptation. Originally seemingly set in contemporary (1970s) London and ending perhaps 30-50 years later (it doesn't say), London and it's fashions still stay looking exactly the same when the film ends set in 2000-2020s! The director was too lazy to envision what a future may look like!! Or perhaps we are led to believe that it is infact everyone else in the film that ages 30-50 years over a very short amount of time? I also noticed scenes of 2 gay men urinating together. Not a usual occurance in films and i noted this film had 2 such scenes! Perhaps a particular fetish of the directors? The scene of Herbert Lom in the shower soaping up Dorian made me laugh too. Helmut Berger is great in the lead and Herbert Lom is always dependable. The final, aged portrait could have been more hideous though, imo.
Dont Open Till Christmas (1984)
A great film for any time in the year
One of my all time favourite movies. Purely for it's one of a kindness. There will never be another film made like this. Though i can understand that it's not to everyones taste, but most films aren't to my taste. This film is inept, badly acted, poorly directed and a bit of a mess, but for my personal tastes, these things all work in it's favour. The DVD is cut and doesn't include the Santa that gets shot in the head. The sequences have also been rearranged for the DVD release. There is also a making of documentary for this film ('The Making Of A Horror Movie') which is well worth seeking out and goes some way to explain the less than perfect end product. It is interesting to see the amount of time that was spent on the gory make up for this film. The effects, while only fleetingly shown in the film are actually very competent, especially considering the movies low budget. If you like inept, one of a kind movies check this out.