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Reviews
The Infected (2005)
I mean... it's a Sci-Fi channel movie.
Aliens have created the "Boston plague" to lower humanity's collective immune system, so that they can serve as hosts for carnivorous alien larvae. Blah blah blah, conspiracy involving a food/bottled water company. Just imagine a bootleg episode of the X-files with hilariously terrible CGI and you've got this movie. Somewhere in there is a "good" alien who helps our hero, and a great deal of nonsensical stupidity. Oh, also the main character will become mankind's sole chance for survival due to his unique genetic mutation: He can't get an erection. I caught this movie on cable during the middle of the day. If you have 90 minutes to kill and you don't have any paint to watch dry, then by all means watch this movie.
Recon 2022: The Mezzo Incident (2007)
Failure.
Traditional movie reviews will often give a hint as to the plot of the film. Sadly, I am thoroughly incapable of doing this, as that RECON 2022: THE MEZZO INCIDENT is not actually a movie. Rather, it is a series of loosely connected events involving the same merry band of hockey-helmeted-heroes found in RECON 2020. Rather than attempt to review this pipe-dream, I will simply list several facts about humanity's grim future. 1. Porn shows WILL be hooked up to malfunctioning shop-vacs. 2. The bartender WILL serve you motor-oil if you hit on the droid. 3. Said droid WILL "preform sexual programming," but only if it's within mission parameters. 4.It is impossible to shoot someone from 5 feet away with two fully automatic assault rifles. 6."Future" weapons are simply spraypainted versions of their contemporary counterparts. 7."Future" armor can be bought at your local "Play-it-again Sports." 8. Your buttocks clenches when you concentrate. 9.In the future, cyborgs do not simply kill their enemies. They rebuild them. 10.In the future, cyborgs do not simply kill and rebuild their enemies. They rape them too.
You will go through this movie with a marginally amused indifference to everything that is happening on screen.
Army of the Dead (2008)
A tremendous victory.
This review should only be one line long. Unfortunately, the minimum length is ten. I'm pretty much wasting space here until I get to the actual review, which will pretty much describe everything that this movie is about in a single sentence. If you find this idea to be extremely hilarious and awesome, I highly recommend this movie. The cover art serves as a similar litmus test. There's a conquistador skeleton wielding a shotgun. The skeleton army has quite the array of weapons. Swords, halberds, shields, heavy artillery, shotguns... you name it, they've got it. Furthermore, they have ingenious tactics involving flaming arrows. Whereas conventional wisdom dictates that you light ONLY the tip of the arrow on fire (so as to avoid burning yourself, the fletching, the bowstring, etc.) the skeletons have a superior strategy. They light every part of the arrow on fire, except for the very tip. As such the fire is incapable of coming in contact with the intended target, and it is thoroughly impossible to fire. Brilliant. Well, that should cover my 10 lines, so here we go. I confess I will ruin the end of the movie, but you will see it coming for about 30 minutes. VASCO DE GAMA'S UNDEAD SKELETON ARMY WILL BE ELECTROCUTED BY AN IMPROVISED Mexican TESLA-COIL. If you are giddy with excitement, rent this movie.