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greenjeremy-13827
Reviews
The Last Five Days (2020)
If it looks like an orange, and smells like an orange...
It's probably a cursed fruit that causes hallucinations and demonic possession. This movie was bad, with a capital "B". The two actors have ZERO chemistry and no camera presence. They even acknowledge at the beginning of the film that they both say "umm" a lot, and they don't disappoint on that front. This is why it's always good to have a script before filming starts. The 70 minute run time meanders mindlessly from one improvised scene to the next. I feel like the $3000 budget was spent on the fake press conference at the beginning of the film, and not much else. Also, how is it almost summer and they acknowledge the fact that they still have multiple Christmas trees up??? I always find that annoying in low budget films.
Once again, I need the option to give a film a 0/10.
Necronomicon (2023)
Apparently the book is called the Necromonicon now!
As a card carrying member of the H. P. Lovecraft Historical Society, I will start by saying this is a hard pass. The makers of this film clearly have ZERO knowledge of the source material. Numerous characters in the film mispronounce the name of the Necromonicon... The titular tome... Multiple times. Also, aside from a character at the beginning of the film seemingly reading off the biography of H. P. Lovecraft from Wikipedia, there is virtually no mention of Lovecraft or Lovecraftian themes, tropes, etc. As a matter of fact, it's almost like the writers of the film wanted to make a film about Aleister Crowley instead but wanted to use the Lovecraft name to snag unsuspecting viewers like me. I can safely say, Aleister Crowley had nothing to do with Lovecraft's fictional Necromonicon, as it was written by the mad Arab Al Alhazzared. Also, the film is all wrapped up in Christian demonography which has zero to do with the elder beings and old gods of the actual Lovecraftian Necromonicon.
All of that aside, even as an enthusiast of schlocky B movies, I found this film to be horribly written, terribly paced, it had awful washed out audio throughout. The entire first twelve minutes is a weird Sin City-esque CGI car chase, complete with awful rear projection behind the driver who delivers a Frank Miller style monologue the entire time. There's also an awkward sex scene shoehorned in where you get to see Bai Ling's nipples if you're patient enough to get a half hour in. A lot of the "bigger name" actors don't even appear in the film and are simply dubbed into conversations with the main character.
If I could give this film a zero out of ten I would.
The Stairs (2021)
Dirty Doug done dirty... Also, Fluke Man from the X-Files!!!
So, I had avoided watching this one because of John Schneider, he's a whacko conservative republican shill who peaked with Dukes of Hazzard. That being said, I was pleasantly surprised when he wound up having very little screen time to do his usual "boomer humor" schtick.
That being said, this movie still pretty much sucked. The premise is cool, I love the creepypasta and no sleep stories about stairways in the forest. However, the writers of this film must have never actually listened to any of those tales, because they use the stair gimmick all wrong. Our characters spend most of their time beneath the stairs... Why? We don't know, but this set that was clearly an "oil refinery" that they got permission to film at is the home of the Demogorgon from Stranger Things... Err... Fluke Man from the X-Files... Umm... The Grub Daddy??? Sure, Jesse let's go with that. No wonder you were bullied at school kid.
Also, Dirty Doug was the best part of the movie. He dies way too soon, and it's a weird sensual death scene... He's dreaming about banging Jordan, but he's being pulled out into the woods by a Grub Daddy... Looks like he's porking the zombie chick from earlier in the film at one point, but he's not??? I dunno man.
Oh yeah, and what was up with that weird ghost guy in a suit and the zombie chick in the yellow dress? How do they even work into the plot???
Oh, and they introduced a chainsaw near the end of the film... When it comes to horror writing, you have a hard and fast law called Raimi's Chainsaw which states that if you introduce a chainsaw into your plot, you'd better dismember at least one monster with it before the film is over. They never fire this one up. What a rip!
Between the Trees (2018)
Is that the same bridge from "The Red Woods"???
So... Where do I start? It's probably a bad sign that the standout from the film for me was the very question I pose in my title. The bridge in the forest they drive across, it looks an awful lot like one from rural western Pennsylvania that was featured heavily in the decent found footage flick "The Red Woods".
The acting is more wooden than the trees mentioned in the films title. All four leads are misogynistic stereotypes, circa a 1997 sitcom. The type of male characters who drink a bit too much, have a beer belly, and have zero charisma... But they always seem to have an overly attractive wife... You know the trope!
Also, this film overuses the ever awful and cliched "day for night" filter WAY too often. I thought I was watching an MST3K rerun as many times as I looked up from writing this review to see these guys stumbling about in the "darkness" of a blue tint laid over a fully day lit forest.
There's no spoilers... As I didn't even finish the film.
#float (2022)
#Float sinks quickly into mediocrity
So, let me set the scene... You and four... Or five... Of your most unlikable friends are standing by a relatively busy and populated river, two of the guys in your crew are total "chads", the one wearing a trucker cap in 2022 is unironically named Blake. There's also a instafamous TikTok debutante filming herself in selfie mode constantly, and two other girls who are caught up in a catty love triangle over the aforementioned Blake... Who, at one point, in a total himbo move tries to order meat tacos at a vegan taco truck not once... But twice! *Insert laughter, fade to black, scene transition"
So, the scene is set, now... Imagine that one of these friends suddenly dies... A plume of blood rising to the surface of the water... Would you get back on your raft and float in the same water immediately after having a mundane conversation about your relationship??? If you said yes, than this film is for you!
The cinematography is deceptive. For the first twenty minutes, the slick look of the movie devolves into hastily shot scenes with other river goers milling about in the background of shots that are supposed to be high tension, close-up shots and primitive rear projection and B-roll canned footage used for shots in white water and rapids. These kids split up more than Scoob and the gang. Also, the fact that every character is so incredibly unlikable makes their ultimate demises very anticlimactic. It's more of a mercy killing.
Paranormal Highway (2017)
Move over Manos, there's a new meandering mess of a road trip movie in town...
Do you love "Manos: The Hands of Fate"? Do you find yourself wondering what that movie would be like as a modern day found footage film? Have you ever wanted to see Torgo replaced by an obnoxious drama nerd channeling his worst Wilmer Valderama impersonation... And he's a ventriloquist??? Well, then I have the film for you. Not since the mediocrity of "Red Zone Cuba" or the Canadian thriller "Things" has there been a slow paced horror flick that simmers with such choppy storytelling and bargain basement acting. From awkward dance montages to forgotten lines, this movie was made to riff on! Certified fresh!