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Reviews
Alone Australia (2023)
Embarrassing
The "Alone" concept has been around for years. There have been ten series of the show that all of the contestants in this show have had the opportunity to watch. The contestants knew what was in store ... and the knew that they were never even going to be mauled by a bear or a moose (unlike the original show from America). So why did they all quit so quickly? These jokers were walking around saying they were concerned by sounds made by wallabies. If they spent a tiny fraction of the time they spent reciting Aboriginal phrases (they had no idea about what they actually meant) on basic bush walking skills they would've all survived instead of being a bunch of pathetic quitters. Made me embarrassed to be a Tasmanian.
Eye in the Sky (2015)
Rather boring and irritating
Yes, there are difficult decisions to be made in war and the struggle against terrorism .... We all know that ... and that is all this movie offers. Rather than make us watch the machinations (and consequent results) of one decision, this film would've been far more informative if it had paralleled the consequences of the yes (shoot) and the no (don't shoot) decisions. In the end it just sat on the fence and tried to make me feel guilty for hoping that the protagonists would prevent a terrorist attack.
Manifest (2018)
Da Vinci Code on Ritalin
What starts as an intriguing initial concept (the return of an aircraft and its passengers after being missing for five years) degenerates rapidly into the realms of pseudoscience, symbology and the misappropriation of historical events as the writers struggle to explain this initial sentinel event. The series would be watchable if it wasn't for the central character (Ben Stone), who rapidly becomes an arrogant obsessive bully, who fails to achieve the audience empathy needed from a main character. The only small entertainment value from the last 2 seasons is from the Covid-19 hairstyles of some of the actors and the credits, which assure us the show is CovidSafe.
The Midnight Sky (2020)
Catastrophically Boring
A movie without a story and lacking characters, this is an utter waste of effort by all those involved in it's production. I can only confirm the full experience because I was stuck on a flight with nothing else to watch. The only use for this movie would be as filmzak, in the background, while you do the ironing ... even then, I think you would wonder why they ever released it, as you will not care at all for any of the characters and will wonder what the whole thing is about. Maybe this is the cause of the apocalypse that wiped out life on earth (sorry spoiler) in the movie ... the whole of mankind killed itself out of boredom after watching it?
King Arthur: Legend of the Sword (2017)
Karl Marx would love this garbage.
An awful example of indentity politics meets socialist commercial greed in an attempt to destroy western legend and culture for the glory on Karl Marx.
Apollo 18 (2011)
Inconsistent random drivel
Apollo 18 claims to be edited "found footage" and for much of it the viewer is subjected to grainy, fragmented images. This takes some effort to watch. After putting in this effort, the film then goes to multiple camera angles and views that would never have been captured on an Apollo space mission. Why put the viewer through the initial ordeal only to break genre randomly and destroy the whole illusion? It is a pointless rubbish film, that's why. It is inconsistent in style, it is neither scary nor stimulating and it fades off into an unsatisfying non-ending. It is a conspiracy film that gives no credence to the conspiracy it purports.
RED (2010)
Don't pay to see this
If you like slapstick explosions in an action thriller with the sound track from a 70s porn flick you will enjoy RED ... but be warned, the story is all over the place and you will be expected to fill the gaps yourself .. not in a solve-the-mystery fashion, but more in an explain-why-they-are-doing-what-they-are-doing fashion. Only die hard fans (see what I was doing there) will be prepared to put the effort needed into enjoying this film. I can understand why attention whores like Morgan Freeman and John Malkovich would appear in a film like this, but I am left flaccid by the fact that Helen Mirren was also in it. :(
Gangs of New York (2002)
Boring
Life is too short to spend 3 hours of it watching this movie. It is a drawn out saga that takes too long to start, too long to get anywhere and too long to finish. If the story was interesting, it would be a different matter ... but it isn't ... it's just plain boring. The characters talk a load of 19th century bollocks that requires a glossary to make it understandable, and some of them (and that means you Leo!) seem to have problems remembering what accent they used in the previous scene.
Heaven (2002)
Utter Rubbish
"Heaven" is one film you could not write a spoiler for. There is nothing in it to spoil! We watched this film recently, in front of an open fire and enjoying some butterscotch schnapps and a cheroot. Quite frankly though, the fire held more drama and story than the film. "Heaven" ambles along at snails pace with no real direction. It is however quite visually pleasing. In fact, the photography is the only noteworthy feature, the rest is just rubbish. If you are looking for entertainment in a film, look elsewhere ... this thing will bore you senseless. If, however, you are looking for some visual muzak, "Heaven" may be just what you are looking for.
Thy Neighbor's Wife (2001)
I can't believe I rented this.
The box looked vaguely enticing. A revenge thriller. Well, it wasn't. It was a sorry collection of scenes cobbled together in a fashion that paid, no more than, lip service to the concept of a story line. The only thing that kept my attention was the realization (which came about 20 minutes in) that every female character in the film was going to get her kit off at some stage. Unfortunately, whilst this does happen, these scenes are interspersed between far too much "drama". Having said that, I still think this video would be far more appropriately placed behind the beaded curtain (at the local video store) than out with the serious movies.
Black Point (2002)
Yawn
I don't really know why I am bothering to comment on "Black Point". It is a really ordinary effort, even for a "B"-flick. Whilst I didn't sit down to watch this film (well DVD actually) with any high expectations, I was still disappointed with it. The acting was pedestrian at best but it was the script which really irritated. Things start out OK but as the plot progresses it makes less and less sense, such that the last 30 minutes are just a frenzied mess. It's bad, but unfortunately, not bad enough to be funny.
Armageddon (1998)
Neon Genesis meets The Dirty Dozen
This would have to one of the most ridiculous movies I have seen. Whilst the story line promises an interesting "Action Blockbuster", the execution of it delves ever deeper into the absurd as the movie progresses. It seemed to almost be a spoof on the genre, but Lesley Nielson never popped up in any of the scenes, so I assume it wasn't meant to be that. The characters were, as has been said, cardboard cutouts, whose character development was achieved through second person dialogue rather than directorship and acting ability. As for the actors, Billy Bob Thornton put in a respectable performance but Ben Affleck was, as usual, awful.
Count Dracula (1977)
It's been a while ...
It is some time since I saw this mini-series, but I will always remember it as being the best "horror" film I have seen. Maybe it was because I was quite young at the time, but nothing I have seen before or since has frightened me as much as this mini-series. I have seen criticisms of the acting and production standards, but for me these did nothing to detract from the atmosphere of terror and tragedy that it created.
Joan of Arc (1999)
One of the longest 160 minutes you'll ever experience.
This film is totally without any redeeming features. It is slow, tedious and woefully over-acted. If should accidentally rent this thing from the local video library I can assure you that the best part of this movie is rewinding it at the end.
Wag the Dog (1997)
...and I you believe this, you will buy this watch.
Don't be fooled, this movie is not nearly as clever as some would have you believe. Whilst the basic plot is interesting, especially in the light of events over the last 4-5 years, "Wag The Dog" just doesn't deliver anything you are likely to believe would actually happen. This lack of credibility makes this film fail as a satire.
To make matters worse, the acting is at best irritating. De Niro plays that scruffy, self-satisfied character he plays when not cast as a gangster (tedious), and Hoffman hobbles about like a man recovering from recent bilateral hip replacements (whatever talent this guy had as an actor has long since deserted him).
For me the ending couldn't come soon enough.
The Man with Two Brains (1983)
"I told them to leave out the *probably*!"
This is, unlike most of Steve Martin's subsequent movies, actually funny. Hang on, not just funny, it's hilarious. There is not a dull moment. From the conversation with his dead wife's portrait to the "sex" scene by the Austrian lake this film will keep you in stitches.