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Road House (2024)
Incel Hulk could've been a 7
Starts out a fun punching movie. I'm not sure these situations exist anymore as there is no cheap tourist property in Florida and every bar bound Floridian packs more heat than clothes. But, fun nods to Double Deuce (pronounced douche in sly Sam Elliot style before we knew he thought all cowboys were straight), the basic Western genre formula, and fights. Fun fights. Fighting is kind of fun if you've never been in a fight.
But then Conor McGregor comes along. And he has been in a fight. And he still thinks it's fun. And you know he thinks it's fun because he can't keep his new teeth behind his lips. From scene 1 where you can see his lat muscle injection punctures (along with his surprisingly smooth glutes), the director and cast probably started taking shots and talking in Irish pidgin and thought it would be fun for Conor to walk around like a French bulldog at the park before it entered the dog enclosure (and realized there are much, much bigger dogs than it). Conor maintains this level of GTA background character level self assurance in each of his roles, including one in which he looks very cool while driving intoxicated, but had somehow thought and prepared ahead by purchasing 8 or so full coconut mai tais or whatever they were. It's good he crashed the car because that was going to be a sticky seat.
You don't want to see Jake Gyllenhall when he's angry, though, because he looks the same as before he was angry. Hulk smash Hulk win but nobody win? Well I don't know if he's a hero, but he's not the villain, which I guess we can trust the 14 year about.
This film could have been a 7 in two simple decisions. First, and foremost, and hopefully understood from this moment until the end of time, never cast Conor McGregor in anything. (And if you do, teach him to sashe less when he moves horizontally across the earth.) Second, just stick to the simple narrative which you incite and then abandon, in what I can only assume was a nod to the simplicity of Clint Eastwood's postmodern takes on the Western genre, agreed upon, conceived, and greenlit by the 13 year old controlling Jake Gyllenhall's moral dilemma and his best friend and interpretive movement partner Conor. If we knew that Dalton had a reason for the anger that he fears from himself and of which we see a clear and marked difference in his character as he enters into (most notable his new and improved understanding of bigger, brighter, faster, bolder violence while still maintaining his exact facial register and witty slightly friendly banter), then we could be behind him. The guy that he fought in the octagon (killed?), while being his friend (he was?) maybe stole his wife or kicked his grandma or said his puppy was ugly. Instead, Dalton is just a psychopath who hides from himself, but doesn't hide all that well, which is why this movie plays for 13 year olds who want to be bullies but don't feel quite confident enough.
Anyway, jumped the shark when Conor and Jake joked about a piano's tune while trying to kill each other, in summary, and complete condemnation. Maybe don't give your middle school son your laptop password, screenwriter.
The Completely Made-Up Adventures of Dick Turpin (2024)
Liked this more than I expected
Our flag means death tried a bit too hard with its absurdity, maybe 60% of it landed. There is more of a (admittedly modern and inclusive, which some brigades will hate) wholesome inhabitable vibe to this show. It's like absurdist Cheers and somehow knows that both itself and the Cheers properties exist.
Noel Fielding is playing soft well. He's actually less cheeky than in GBBO. The self conscious sourpuss snark female who posed as male, the lovable doofus, and the non-binary giant all add, rather than just holding space. Craig the Warlock. The 8 year old aggressively Irish barkeep. Hugh Bonneville as Jonathon Wilde is perfect comedy deadpan.
Fun world, inhabitable. It's in the vein of the Chris Pine D&D movie (which I found very watchable and underrated) if it's married to Dr Who, I guess.