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Dragonball Evolution (2009)
Horrible movie... Horrible...
Being announced last year, it turns out that a live action Dragon Ball movie was soon to become a reality. Some were disgusted with the idea, some were excited, others were going to be patient and wait for the movie to come out and then judge it. I was under the third category... Then I saw the trailer.
It became REALLY hard to reserve judgment after that. I could just smell the fail coming from a mile away, but I still had some faith for it. I was hoping that despite its bad trailer it could at least be decent. So last night I got the chance to see the movie through the use of a certain "method" that I don't think I should disclose on risk of getting in trouble with moderators.
But to the point, now that I've seen this movie, I feel like I deserve to be publicly humiliated in ways you can't imagine for even thinking that the movie even looked remotely good. Simply put, this movie is HORRIBLE! So far holds my spot for "Worst Movie of 2009," and really one of the worst movies I've seen in a long time. Worse than Lady in the Water, that says a lot. So why do I hate this movie so much? Well let's begin with the story.
The story overall follows the basic idea of the Dragon Ball anime/manga, but takes way too many liberties. For starters, Goku is a teenager at the beginning, but that's okay. Just so long as Justin Chatwin is likable enough of a character, I'll be fine. I don't know if Justin has reached the right age to have fully establish who he is as an actor, but his rendition of Goku is about as likable as Aline in the 2005 movie Alone in the Dark. The first half hour of the movie shows him in high school, and it feels more like you're watching some bad direct to TV high school drama than a Dragon Ball movie. What's worse is that the movie is approximately 82 minutes long, and it wastes a perfectly good half hour on stupid high school drama! You think the worst is over? Oh that's the interesting thing about Dragon Ball Evolution. Just when you think it can't get any worse, it comes around and gets worse. Master Roshi is still a pervert, and Yun-Fat Chow does a pretty convincing interpretation of him... For the first minute or two. After that, he overacts so much that he gets annoying. Basically the movie tries to condense Krillin and Master Roshi into a single character, but the two combined just doesn't feel right.
The decline goes further when we meet Yamcha. For some reason, somebody thought, "Hey we've screwed over the fanboys already, let's unnecessarily make Yamcha some surfer dude!" No joke.
Onto Piccolo, I feel like I should lament on this wasted opportunity he was. A majority of the cast itself is just horrible, but James Marsters is simply perfect! His acting passes off like a live action interpretation of Piccolo should. But the sad fact is... HE ONLY HAS 16 LINES OF DIALOGUE THORUGHOUT THE ENTIRE MOVIE~!!!! This makes Piccolo like the GORT of the 2008 remake of The Day the Earth Stood Still. He's probably the best thing the movie has to offer, but no one is going to notice him because he's so criminally underused.
Anyway, onto the main confrontation itself, you'd think after a horrible series of minutes wasted, the movie would at least try and redeem itself at this point because final battles are always epic. But here's the really interesting thing. The final battle is the worst part of the movie if you can believe that. Goku does turn into his Great Ape form, and for some reason, Piccolo is somehow able to control him to get the dragon balls for him! SINCE WHEN DO SAIYANS SERVE THE NAMEKS?? Oh and it gets better, Goku turns back into his normal self, BUT HE DOES SO BY LEARNING THE LESSON THAT WE'VE HAD TO DEAL WITH SINCE WE WERE KIDS! "Just be yourself and have faith in who you are! :)" IF GOKU'S SUPPOSED TO BE THE SAIYAN THAT HIS PAST IMPLIES, THAT KIND OF SPEECH SHOULD BE WORTHLESS TO HIS GREAT APE FORM!!! And then Justin Chatwin pulls off possibly the worst finishing move in cinematic history, he defeats Piccolo with a simple Kamehameha wave. Even if it were that powerful, Justin sure doesn't make it feel that way, his acting just hits that low of a low.
So overall, if you've seen the trailer of Dragon Ball Evolution, you've essentially seen the best the movie has to offer. The movie is every bit as bad, and worse. There's just no cult appeal to this piece of crap.
Now about the budget, may I ask just where all that money went?! This movie looks and feels like something I'd watch on the Sci-Fi Channel for crying out loud! I bet this is how it worked, they paid Justin Chatwin $90 million to be in this movie and then used the other 10 to make some glorified Sci-Fi original picture. James Wong, if you're reading this, I'm sorry, I'm sure you've made some good movies prior to this, but this is just a disgrace. Not just to old time Dragon Ball fans who've wanted a live action interpretation, not just to movie enthusiasts. But rather to humanity in general.
So overall, what would be my final thoughts on this movie? If you've always hated Dragon Ball and you've wanted to use something to bash against its fans, then go right ahead and see it. Otherwise, just don't touch this movie with 8,289,376,504,651½ mile pole. Save your money for Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, Terminator Salvation, G.I. Joe, those will all be far more worth your time and money than this ever will be.
Angels & Demons (2009)
The ending is the only disappointment in an otherwise improved sequel
Angels & Demons is the sequel to the 2006 box office phenomenon The Da Vinci Code. You know, that one movie back in the day that had the Vatican ready to declare a crusade on Hollywood, that same movie that brought atheists together saying that their time had at last come, the same movie that was preparing to change the foundations of Christianity as we knew it... Then the movie came out and everyone who was ready for that defining moment put their clubs and spears behind their backs and said, "Never mind." The wide number of historic inaccuracies and many smaller problems caused the movie to be looked down upon by critics, but Ron Howard sure didn't care, he was walking away with $508 million.
Yeah I saw The Da Vinci Code, it's a pretty okayish time waster, but it doesn't really live up to the ambition of its setting. Of course it was supposed to be offensive on the philosophic level, but the amazing number of historic inaccuracies had me offended as a history studier instead of what Christian I was (I was only raised Catholic like Mr. Langdon.) My folks were going out to see it one morning and they invited me along, so I decided, "What the heck? Why not?" So how does this sequel turn out? Well it's actually a whole lot better than it's predecessor, but I don't know if I would consider it to be enough to be atonement for how The Da Vinci Code was.
Like I said before, I had plenty of problems with The Da Vinci Code (I haven't read the book so I can't say anything about its faithfulness to the book or not.) I had problems with the historic accuracy that it didn't even seem to try and follow, I had problems with the pacing, I had problems with the safe route that the movie took when it could have been a lot more. It's one of those movies that had amazing production values, but the movie itself just didn't take off the ground to be the world changer it was hyped up to be. I was a bit indifferent about the upcoming Angels & Demons, but I heard the movie was supposed to be better than The Da Vinci Code, so I can now tell you if Mr. Howard is just whoring in on success or actually performing penance for his last sin.
Angels & Demons takes place sometime after The Da Vinci Code, Professor Robert Langdon is now called on by the Vatican for his help, as four cardinals have been kidnapped by an ancient brotherhood called the Illuminati. It is up to him to travel to the Vatican and not only save them, but also stop a time bomb that threatens to destroy all the Vatican. He must work with Vittoria Vetra. He enlists the help of Camerlengo Patrick McKenna to ensure that the Swiss Guard is capable of saving the Cardinals every hour and ultimately retrieving the bomb. The story itself is pretty decent overall and it even has a message at a point near the end for faithful and unfaithful alike, but whether or not it will actually be seen is dependent on what your taste in movies is like.
Angels & Demons features a nice cast of actors just like its predecessor from Tom Hanks to even minor characters. The movie even has production values about on par with The Da Vinci Code, same locals, Hans Zimmer returns for the musical score, though the movie certainly isn't without its faults. Just like in The Da Vinci Code, the movie suffers from what I like to call, "accuracy problems". These problems include the fact that it takes a lot of its facts for granted, Angels & Demons is based on the idea that an Antimatter bomb will destroy an entire city, enough to destroy the Vatican, but in reality... * Whispers * It's pretty friggin harmless... There's also the fact that the Illuminati really isn't as big of an organization as the movie says it was. In fact it never had anything to do with the Catholic Church to begin with. Just like The Da Vinci Code, it tends to take liberties with history, but it does so to a very lesser degree so the offense is hardly that measurable. The way the movie plays out overall is that it's much faster paced than The Da Vinci Code, it observes logic more than its first movie, and can be more enjoyable but it still loses a point for its rather weak ending and defeat for the main villain (omitted for spoilers.) To sum up Angels & Demons, I'd say it depends on what kind of person you are if you want to see it or not. If you liked The Da Vinci Code, then you'll probably have already seen it yesterday if not already having plans to see it soon. If you were living under a rock back in 2006 and never got around to seeing the movie, then I'd say Angels & Demons is more worth a rent when it hits your local Blockbuster or Hollywood Video. It's actually a pretty good movie altogether, just not a particularly great one. Who knows, maybe when the next movie comes out, Ron Howard will make something particularly good.
Star Trek (2009)
An excellent reboot sure to breed a new generation of final frontier explorers.
I've been a bit of a Star Trek fan since I was a kid, in part because it was the closest thing to a Star Wars TV show that I had at the time. I learned about it sometime after Star Wars obviously and I've seen episodes from just about every series, though I never did end up watching them religiously for some reason. I'm sure people who've seen the series from its roots have a much deeper understanding of the series than I could hope to achieve, but I've been fascinated by the worlds Star Trek had to offer for many years.
Then there are the movies and the recent years. I've actually seen every Star Trek movie made, even the fifth one that's loathed by many (I saw it when I was a kid FYI, so I don't remember the flaws it had that well). I hadn't seen every episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation, but I did see enough to be able to tell you that Star Trek Nemesis, that was made back in 2002, was a really disappointing way to end the series. Then there's the TV show "Enterprise" which served as the ultimate prequel to the rest of the shows. Apparently it got lower ratings than I thought it did, but it apparently didn't win over many fans, even to the point of where afterwards the Star Trek brand just disappeared for the most part.
Now we're here in 2009 with a new movie simply titled "Star Trek". This movie is intended to be a reboot of the said franchise by going back to the roots that made Star Trek what it was, and offering a totally new origin story for the classic 1966 series. This much is certain, after 7 years of all but losing its credibility, this was a "do or die" scenario for the series. This would either be the final nail in the coffin, or the kick in the rear that it needed to get back on course. What I'm really, really, pleased to say, is that J.J. Abrams chose to give the series the later option. I say that's a good thing because J.J. has set up a universe for a promising new beginning with the movie. I'll give you the bare bones of what the story is like, the movie begins with a bang, the USS Kelvin is under attack from a Romulan mining vessel. In this scene, the crew is escaping, while George Kirk is ordered to see everyone off, including his pregnant wife. In their last few moments over a telecom chat, they decide to name him after Winona's father, James. After the escape scene and the destruction of the Kelvin, we're treated to seeing James getting himself in Juvinile Detention when he drives a car off of a cliff and manages to jump out at the last minute... He's pretty young at this point too... About 8 I'd guess.
We also get to see the iconic Spock grow up with his "disability" as a half-Vulcan, causing him to reject his membership at the Vulcan Science Academy, thus leaving him only the option of joining Starfleet Command on Earth. What ensues afterwards is a space opera involving the old cast of characters reincarnated to appeal to the new generation. We even get a guest visit from Captain Christopher Pike (Bruce Greenwood) of pre-series establishment fame. Not only are the characters likable, but the storytelling is epic, the humor allows for camp sessions but remains consistent just like in the previous shows, there's even a huge nod to the original series at a point in the movie, and the casting is very well done to boot.
I wasn't too worried about Zachary Quinto since even though I've only seen one episode of "Heroes," I knew the show itself was very well casted. What really had me staying observant though was Chris Pine as James, since if you look at his bibliography he's a pretty new actor, his first movie being Princess Diaries 2: The Royal Engagement, and stared only in romantic comedies afterwards. Not only does Chris Pine work as the new Kirk, but the rest of the cast with their trademark personality traits are here as well. Checkov has the accent and he can beam up people, Sulu is Asian and is the pilot, it's basically all the same from the original show, the only real difference being that Pike is the Captain while Kirk is under service to the Enterprise.
If you're familiar with Star Trek's storytelling, you'd know that it can be campy, epic, and provoking at the same time like the Star Wars movies. Star Trek pulls this off very well, there are serious moments that the crew encounters at times and sometimes they pull off a little tongue and cheekiness, but it's not done in heartfelt situations that don't call for it.
Star Trek is a very welcome addition to the summer line up considering the last sci-fi movie that had me as enticed as I was Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith, and it's been four years already. That's too long for me since I can't name many other space operas off the top of my head besides Serenity and The Fifth Element. I can only hope the movie does well in theaters and the end result is sequels.
So overall say, "See it!" Star Trek (2009) is a very complete movie that offers a new future for the classic franchise. It has a wide amount of appeal and not much to complain about. Let's hope that with this movie in place that new entries to the series are made based off of it.
Starship Troopers 3: Marauder (2008)
Solid Sequel
In 1997, Paul Verhoeven released a true blood fest that glorified the idea of humanity vs. the giant space bugs. This title was known as Starship Troopers, an adaptation of the Robert A. Heinlein novel of the same name. For its time, the special effects were very well done, the "in your face" baditude gave a new insight of total militarism, and even though the story didn't have a great deal of depth behind it, it made up for that by simply being a fun night to watch two hours of humans getting torn limb from limb and exploding bugs and death experiences in the worst possible ways. The film even for its time was far from Oscar-worthy material, but Dwen Gleiberman best sums it up when he said, "it's ground zero fro a new generation of thrill seekers!". It spawned two direct to DVD sequels, Starship Troopers 2: Hero of the Federation, and Starship Troopers 3: Marauder.
So the film takes place 11 years after the first film, John Rico (Casper Van Dien) is now a Colonel stationed on the planet Roku San. One day, his old friend Dix Hauser along with all famous Sky Marshal Omar Anoke to pay a visit. But when the bases defenses mysteriously shut down, allowing the arachnids the Federation is still at war with in, the entire base is overrun with few survivors managing to escort the Sky Marshal to safety. Among the survivors, Rico is blamed for the incident and sentenced to death. At the same time though, the Sky Marshal along with Dix's fiancé Lola Beck crash landed on a planet known as OM-1. Dix manages to save Rico from execution, but only if he will save Lola from the desolate planet. More ensues, but revealing more would give spoilers.
As said before, the special effects were very well done for their time in 1997. Amazingly enough, Starship Troopers 3 looks just like a film made back in 1997. The CGI looks the same, the suits look the same, heck some of the sets also look the same. Taking it at face value, the visuals don't look too bad for a direct to DVD sequel, and it's probably clear that the producers wanted to maintain the same feel of the first one. If you're looking for a high budget visual feast, you best avert your gaze now, Iron Man this ain't.
The overall acting is about on par with the '97 film as well. The acting is lacking emotion, but it manages to be so low in quality it's just plain awesome. It also manages to contribute to the feel of a straight-faced camp affair with hit or miss humor. If you can't tolerate bad acting in any situations whatsoever, you'd best not tread this territory, but fans of the first film will feel right at home.
This film can appeal to a solid number of people, whether you're a fan of the original, enjoy watching bugs explode, or if you like the process of "How to turn your Communist Federation into a Pat Robertson Utopia in 90 minutes." (You'll see what I mean). The basic question is however: "Is this film worth watching?" This is one of those times where it falls under what kind of person you are. If you saw the first one and even dug it just a little, this title makes for a good rental or a buy if you enjoy it enough. If you didn't like the first one, there's nothing here that will turn you over, but if you're an evangelical who disliked the original, you might dig the aforementioned process.
Beauty and Warrior (2002)
Completely Abysmal...
There's good anime, there's bad anime, and then
There's Beauty and Warrior. Where oh where do I begin with such a travesty to the great Japanese art form? Well let's begin with the plot.
The plot starts with this Princess who has been banished from some heavenly realm for marrying a mortal man. Her handmaiden went with her because she refused to leave her, and they leave one another for some strange reason. As a result, the handmaiden all of a sudden becomes the Queen of this underworld home to a whopping five monsters. Then out of nowhere, there are these two brothers who come to this cave, and this brother comes to meditate in hopes of gaining this sword that's unexplained of. When he meditates, he somehow makes his way down to the said Underworld, and he destroys the five monsters to take the handmaiden as his wife and somehow manages to conceive a child for as long as he's been down there with her. And when the brother leaves, the sword the two were looking for all of a sudden appears, and then one brother decides he wants the sword for himself since he protected him for so many months. After a long and amazingly boring fight sequence, the good brother defeats his brother, but decides to not only spare him, but give him the sword they were fighting over. The movie ends with the good brother going off to find his traitorous brother before he takes over the world with the sword
Yes, the plot you just read is that convoluted. Don't even try to make sense of it, as it will just hurt your brain even further.
So on to the animation, just completely abysmal. If this movie was released in the 1980's, this would be acceptable, but in the year 2002? That is a no-no. Seriously, the animation looks like it was dug out of some guy's basement after being lost for 30 years and then somebody decided, "Hey this would make a cool movie!" Not only is the animation poor, but the character designs are all bland and recycled to such a ridiculous degree. It also doesn't help that the lip-synching is just plain terrible. It seems clear that the translators knew what words to put in, but they didn't take into account how to make the translation seem convincing since many of the sentences are spoken when the characters themselves aren't even moving their lips in time.
So the story is bad and the animation is bad, but how is the sound factor? It's not any better. Admittedly, the theme song isn't too bad, but the only problem is that it's the only tune you will hear throughout the entire film, and will likely instill an instinct in you to go crazy should you ever hear it again. If you think the theme song is bad, then ready yourself for the worst voice-acting cast you may ever find yourself listening to. None of the characters, and that's a big none, are redeeming in the slightest. Not a single one of the characters sounds convincing, and none of them put in the slightest amount of emotion for their role.
Beauty and Warrior is definitely the worst excuse of entertaining a person for 45 minutes I have ever had the pleasure of dealing with. To all those classic anime enthusiasts who state, "Oh! Modern mainstream anime is killing anime as we all know and love it!" Well take a good look, because this movie is the reason why Naruto has a fan base! Overall, I can only say that if you see this movie anywhere, just burn it on sight! It doesn't deserve the shred of existence it has, made in Indonesia or not! I'd rather have a 96 year old paraplegic Rabbi circumcise my eyeballs and fill my sockets with molten lava, then subject my eyes to this travesty again! I could go on to rant about the incompetence of how poorly done this excuse of a film is, but I simply don't have the time or desire to. If you'll excuse me, I'm going to go watch something competent
*Pops in Pokemon: The First Movie*
Oh ye gods
THANK YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUU!!!!!