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Leprechaun (1992)
Not as bad as some make it out to be
I used to call Leprechaun a guilty pleasure of mine. Sure, I didn't mention it to many people, for the fear of being pointed and laughed at, while I hear people yelling "He's the guy that liked Leprechaun!" So, I kept it a secret. Until now! Why now, you ask (I don't care if you didn't ask, I'm going to tell you anyway)? Simply put, you can all still ridicule me, but I won't be able to hear you laugh or see you pointing at me.
Despite the fact I declare Leprechaun a guilty pleasure, the more I watch it, the more I hate it. Yes, I still find redeemable qualities (though, nowadays, that's becoming quite a task). But, the smell of crap is starting to fill the room anytime I put Leprechaun on.
First and foremost, the main cast (excluding Warwick Davis as the Leprechaun) is idiotic and annoying. How am I supposed to care for these people when they're in danger, when all I keep thinking about is "I hope that house collapses on all of them"? The answer: I can't! That's where the problem lies (cheats and steals?). Without a likable round-up of people, then the story itself falls flat on its face.
The main cast itself is bad, but nobody, and I mean nobody, was more annoying than Robert Gorman, who played the young kid Alex. Talk about your annoying kid actors. For the love of God, couldn't somebody have smacked the kid and threw him into the well that was in the backyard? I've seen some annoying child actors in my day (surprisingly, not including Dickie Roberts. Mainly for the fact that a grown man as a child actor is kind of creepy. I'm talking about you Christopher Knight). I would rather walk onto burning hot magma while having fat little trolls stab me with pitchforks, with House of the Dead (the crappy Uwe Boll movie, not the fun video game) playing simultaneously.
Overall, Leprechaun is like having a fun night out on the time. At first, you're living it up with your buddies, laughing your asses off, and shining people's shoes (this is what happens when you party with Warwick Davis). Then, a bunch of morons join in the fray, ruining your night. Then, you pass out in the bathroom and wake up the next morning with a horrible hangover that makes George W. Bush's presidential run seem tolerable compared to the immense pain your in. Basically, this was just my way of saying that Leprechaun has its moments, but has many flaws that smacks it in the face with a bullwhip.
Steel (1997)
I found Superman's kryptonite.
Steel is one of those movies that you hear how bad it is, but, in your mind, believe that it can't be that bad. This time, it is that bad. Steel is the equivalent of going to a PETA meeting wearing a fur coat with snakeskin boots, with deer blood dried onto your pants, while holding a platter of ham, chicken, turkey, and other "animal cruelty" foods in one hand, and a deer head in the other. To make it easier to understand, it feels out of place and doomed to fail (and possibly pelted with tomatoes).
Shaq, as the movie poster refers to him as, plays John Henry Irons, a weapons designer for the military. After a tragic accident occurs (not the board meeting to green-light this movie), Irons retires his position and returns to the safety of his home. Within a few days back, he takes notice that his dangerous guns are running amok in the streets, thanks to Nathaniel Burke, a former sergeant (I'm probably wrong about his position, but who cares) relieved from his position for attempted destruction (and no, he wasn't the man who green-lit this movie. Okay, I'll stop).
I want to stop right there and delve into the stupidity that this situation is. I'm still laughing at the fact that, instead of criminal punishment via jail time, a man bent on human destruction is just released from his military duties. What the hell?!? Did they honestly think he wasn't going to cause destruction once he got home? What if they did this in real life. For instance, when they found Saddam Huessin, instead of hanging him, they just spanked him on the ass! I'm sure that would've worked.
Anyway, back to the plot (or as much of a plot there is). Once ahold of these guns, Nathaniel uses them to destroy Irons' hometown, and Irons himself. Of course, this doesn't keep Irons down, as he gets back up, renames himself Shaquille O'Neal, joins the NBA, and becomes a huge star. Okay, so this didn't happen in the movie. But I'm pretty positive this is how Shaq's career came about. My ramblings aside, Irons picks himself back up, grabs an old army buddy and Shaft (not kidding), makes himself the absolute worst looking superhero attire ever (it makes the Bat Nipples look like the Mona Lisa), dons himself Steel, and comes back to save the day, equipped with a huge sledgehammer (Triple H's inspiration), magnetic shield, and advice (once again, not kidding).
The sheer stupidity that is Steel is unprecedented. Yes, I've seen worse COUGH*Batman & Robin*COUGH. But, that doesn't do justice for the man of Steel (and insults the true man of Steel, Superman, which this story is based off of a side character after the death of Superman). Steel is so bad, that I was actually yearning for Kazaam shortly into the movie. Do yourself a favor, and shoot yourself in the foot. It's a lot less painful.