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Reviews
Our Lips Are Sealed (2000)
Eurgh.
Oh my days. I felt like gouging my eyeballs out and attacking the person who inflicted this movie on me. It takes Mary-Kate and Ashley to an all time low. Heres why:
1. What is with all of the Australian stereotypes? 'Subtitles please.' They wouldn't need subtitles if they had had the poor Australians talking like they usually do! Oh and the kangaroo pet. Isn't that illegal? Now i cant really speak for everyone but I'm sure at like 15 most people know what a boomerang is!
'Dude your frisbee is broken' DUDE SHUT UP!
2. Why, after the first time they had to move did they not shut the hell up?! Oh come on. If my family were at risk i would learn to shut up - it's not that hard.
3. Emmil Hatchu or whatever the 'bad guys' name was. What was with him?! He just generally annoyed me. He needed to get back to that Urugli place of his.
4. The twins end up living in a B&B (that's dead popular and has what two guests the whole time the film is dragging on). So where the hell did they get the equipment to make that dodgy trap thing that inflicted Victoria to a lot of humiliation. I mean she got covered in feathers for goodness sake?!
5. They go to that theme park + somehow happen to ride a roller-coaster with no-one actually controlling it. They should be still on that ride NOW. Or dead. Im not sure.
6. There were bits that I'm guessing were supposed to be funny and turn this movie into a light-hearted comedy. But the thing was: no matter how hard those bits tried to be funny, they weren't. I got more laughs out of laughing at that cancer-stick-obsessed mum of theirs whose mouth was like the Mersey Tunnel.
7. Those two robber guys at the start, you know, the ones who knicked the diamond in the first place? Yeah those guys. Errm, why the hell did a minute squirt of ketchup manage to knock him down? I know it's supposed to be funny. But its not. Maybe I'm too old for this film, but hey I'm only 15. And when i first watched it i was like 10 and i didn't find it funny then.
Enough said.
The Hills (2006)
Undecided really..
Okay, first of all this would be better if all of the scenes were real. OR the ones that weren't real, made to seem like they are! I mean, maybe they weren't meant to be realistic, but in a spin-off reality show, the word 'reality' sort of dominates the nature of the programme. Everything is overly rehearsed and clichés seem to have built a home in the script. Sorry but it was so totally obvious that Lauren was going to get accepted into Teen Vogue. She had to. If she didn't there would be no solid storyline throughout. But hey, here I'm talking about story lines and its a REALITY TV programme I'm talking about! Even though I'm sort of calling it here, i give it a six plainly because i am interested in fashion and i do enjoy watching overly rich kids getting Chanel bags for Christmas from their boyfriends. That sort of thing right there ^ is all you can expect from this series.
Prom Night (2008)
Unbelievable.
This movie is shocking. Why do a PG-13 'slasher' movie? As soon as i saw the PG-13 stamp on the film, i knew it would be dismal. I know there couldn't be too much blood + guts but you would think that when a person gets stabbed there could at least be visible blood marks. When Donna is hiding under the bed with her stabbed-dead friend, Claire, next to her, surely they would both be lied in a pool of blood from Claire seeing as she had been shot! And when her boyfriend (i forget his name he was that good) is dead in her bed, surely there would be blood actually on her bed so she would know he is dead without her having to turn him over. Before commenting i read the 'Goofs' on this website and i spotted a large number of these whilst watching the movie for the first time. Particularly the fire alarm - working lift thing and the loud screams but nobody hears thing. There was clearly no pilot research that went into this movie before it was shot and there cant have been much of a proof viewing because surely these obvious errors would have been picked up on! The whole cliché ending made me laugh out loud! The whole police man killing the guy JUST before he killed Donna was incredible timing! Wow, it amazed me. How many times were there the whole 'look in the mirror, see the killer' cliché shot?! I lost count and started to despair. Every time i saw a mirror in the movie i knew what would happen next. And as for people falling over when they should be running away! Damn, people need to be more careful! From shoe heels breaking at the wrong moment to paint pots being knocked off, i found myself laughing along and wanting to push these people over myself, just for added effect. I got more thrills and scares from playing the Prom Night game on the Official website.
Holiday in the Sun (2001)
I was 10 when i first watched this film and still haven't got over it!
Okay, I used to love Mary-kate and Ashley films when i was too young to really understand the plot, but as soon as i hit double figures i discovered that the films were just air-headed bimbos flaunting the fact that they can be in their own movies. The film starts off by the bratty girls moaning that they cant go to Hawaii because they're going to the Bahamas in Daddy's private jet! OH NO. The so called villain Champlain (who's name must have been thought up by a recovering alcoholic who cant let go of his Champagne loving life) must be a sprint athlete! He must be touching 60 but still managed to 'run' away from MK&A in the 'chase scene' that makes Tom&Jerry chase scenes look like they should be 18 Rated. Why the hell was everyone allowed out on their own all the damn time?! Their dad seemed quite adamant that he wanted them to go to the Bahamas, so why when they got there did they all just ditch each other? Even Keegan, who looked like she isn't even in secondary education yet, was allowed to the beach on her own to drink root beer. Yes OK then. Breanna Wallis, who's friends were so far up her bum i could see them poking out of her mouth, was badly acted out and had no real role to play other than bunny-boiler! Griffin who 'isnt so geeky anymore' and all the so-called Hunks that all the girls love, cant act to save their lives and seem to get pleasure out of stalking MK&A until they get to make out with them. How many smoothies do two people need to consume in one movie?! Oh god and talk about clichés.. The police just happen to turn up as they happen to uncover some 'evidence.' 'You want evidence?, We got evidence.' No! shut up, don't talk to police like they are dumb. And why the hell weren't the twins locked up for stealing a boat? I'm from england and if i was to go to the port, break into a yacht, drive it without any form of license, search it and then when the police came to arrest me, i acted cocky, i would be banged up! I wanted to scratch my eyeballs out.
House of Wax (2005)
I was crying with laughter rather than out of fear.
Heres some of my views on this horrific movie:
1. The whole Paris Hilton 'aka Paige' really added a lot to the movie didn't it?! Please realise my sarcasm. Honestly, what was the point in it? In fact, what was the point in her, other than to add a bit of humour when she gets a pole shoved through her head with such precision. Basically this film just reminded me that Paris Hilton cant act and she should really just stick to what she does best: nothing.
2. When the very stereotypical teens get stranded in the middle of nowhere with their good GPS system, isn't it a coincidence that they had tents? Weren't they going to a football game not a Glastonbury concert.
3. If i was to find myself in a town made totally of wax i would be very scared. I wouldn't decide to look around the neighbourhood hoping to find something interesting because as Elisha Cuthbert 'aka Carly' points out 'It's all wax'.
4. Did they not think to call the police at any time? Any time at all!
5. Most of the characters played no 'real' part. They weren't needed. I feel the producer put them in there so they could be killed in 'interesting' and 'creative' ways.
6. How did the wax building survive in America heat for God-knows how long? Those people who built them weren't architects and so wont have a clue how to preserve wax meaning that those buildings should merely be puddles.
7. I actually pitied the homicidal, wax obsessed killers. Anyone who must work 24/7 rebuilding melted buildings deserves an 'awwww'. I mean they clearly have issues.
8. Why the hell would you get a lift from a guy who looks like he has been dragged through a thorny bush feet first? Then, one of the 'smart' teens, Wade, decides to go for a wander around hobo guy's house to use the bathroom. Honestly! The guy keeps knives in his car, so why then would you go the WC anywhere that he recommends? So, all in all, i feel this movie was a HUGE disappointment.
I could have directed/produced/acted this whole movie on my own and it would be better than it was. Please don't waste your money on it.