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Reviews
Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle (2003)
Silly, ridiculous fun
There are three things you should know before you go to see the "Charlie's Angels" sequel:
1) Cameron Diaz's butt is the uncredited star. 2) The dialogue is about as deep as a kiddie pool. 3) Everything is completely implausible.
If you can't handle any of these things, don't see it, because you won't enjoy it. HOWEVER, if you are looking for a fun, mindless diversion, this is it.
The plot never really makes sense, and has vaguely to do with rings containing the location of people in the Witness Protection Program. Demi Moore also pops up as a former Angel-turned-villian. Mostly the movie is just about the Angels looking beautiful and beating up on the bad guys.
"Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle" is not a thought-provoking journey into the human pysche. It's just a fun action flick about three hot girls who can beat up a room full of armed men without ruining their hair and makeup. It never tries to be deep, and it is exactly what it seems to be: the cartoon-like adventures of the gorgeous Angels. Logical? Well, definetely not. Fun? Very much so!
Overall: Silly, yet very fun to watch.
The Tuxedo (2002)
Suspend all logic...
After watching "The Tuxedo," I truly believe that it was the brainchild of a couple of teenage guys smoking pot. "Hey Dude - you know what would make a sweet movie? A magic suit that makes you kick butt and tear stuff up, and dance too!" "Yeah Dude, with Jackie Chan! And that chick from 'Party of Five!'" And so, armed with this ingenious story, the two pothead friends created the strange mess that is "The Tuxedo." To its credit, not everything in this film is bad. There are some funny moments, and it's always fun to watch Jackie Chan beat up the bad guys. But the plot is so random and ridiculous that not even Chan's karate can save it. Jennifer Love Hewitt, as the leading lady, is awful. Her performance is so stiff, it's like someone off camera is holding a gun to her head and forcing her to say her lines. As a result, she is pretty pathetic.
The story itself is a disjointed mess, jumping from scene to scene without sense or logic. From what I could follow of the plot, it deals with a secret agent with a magic tuxedo, and a plot to replace the world's bottled water supply with water that instantly dehydrates you. Also, this magic tuxedo has a number of useful functions, such as "Shake Booty." Yes, the pothead friends really stretched their minds coming up with this one.
Overall, only diehard Jackie Chan fans will be able to tolerate this movie. Otherwise, rent "Shanghai Noon" again.
Left Behind (2000)
Boring, cheap-looking "entertainment"
This movie is the latest sad attempt by Christian filmmakers to hit the "mainstream" with a boring, preachy end-times movie. I'm not sure why, but it seems the only type of entertainment these production companies can make is stupid "rapture" movies with awful acting. "Left Behind" is definetely true to this form.
The plot of this movie is scattered and disjointed, and we jump from scene to scene without any timing or logic. Alot of other people have complained about the cheap-looking "special effects," but there were barely any special effects moments in the movie, so it wasn't a very big deal. However, what truly made the movie so unbearable was the terrible acting. None of the actors seem capable of showing genuine emotion, and are either stiffly reciting their lines like cardboard cutouts, or having boring, melodramatic tantrums. Kirk Cameron is mediocre in his role as Buck Williams, which is more than I can say for the rest of the cast. However, not all the blame can be placed on the actors because the script they are working with is so lame to begin with.
Overall, "Left Behind" is very low-quality entertainment. It does not succeed on a theological level, and simply ends up being boring and preachy.
The Audrey Hepburn Story (2000)
Poor Audrey is turning in her grave
This movie is terrible in and of itself, but what makes it so sad is that it is an attempt to chronicle the life of Audrey Hepburn, one of the greatest actresses ever. The biggest slap in the face is that Hepburn is played by Jennifer Love Hewitt, who can't act her way out of a paper bag. She does resemble Hepburn slightly in appearance, but COMPLETELY lacks the elegance and class that made Audrey who she was. Her horrible attempts to imitate Hepburn's voice and mannerisms are so bad they're almost funny.
Overall, this movie is an embarrassing "tribute" to a truly great star.
Christina's House (2000)
Another lame teen "horror" movie
After seeing "Christina's House," I feel a little bit of sympathy towards those involved with the making of it. Being responsible for a piece of garbage like that must be a source of shame and embarrassement. That being said, yes, this movie is BAD. Although some people label this as the worst movie they have ever seen, I give that honor to "Battlefield Earth." But "Christina's House" definetely sucks.
Overall, it seems the plot would make a decent movie: a pretty young heroine; a foreboding house full of creepy sounds; young girls disappearing mysteriously...wait a minute, that plot HAS been made into a decent movie, several in fact! Trouble is, the story borrows liberally from past horror movies, yet comes nowhere close to matching them. It took some past cliches and wove a weak, uninteresting story around them. With the exception of John Savage as the (pedophile?) father, the acting is well below par, especially Allison Lange as the lead character Christina. The "scares" are boring, the plot is quite predictable, and the ending takes the award for the lamest climax in recent movie history. Oh well, I guess you can't expect too much from a straight-to-video teenage horror flick.
Overall: heroine with no acting talent + stupid story with plot holes you can drive a truck through = "Christina's House"
Hard Rock Zombies (1984)
So bad it's good
This movie is AWFUL, don't believe otherwise! The acting is absolutely terrible, the plot is nonexsistent, and even the makeup is cheap. Yet all of this adds up to a hilariously bad zombie movie! The humor itself isn't funny at all, yet it's amusing because you're laughing AT it, not with it. I really enjoyed it, although it had no redeeming qualities at all! Basically it is one of the worst movies ever made, and for that reason it's pretty funny.
Stir of Echoes (1999)
The best "ghost story" movie in years
I have seen several comments about "Stir of Echoes" where it is mistakenly called a "spoof" or "rip-off" of "The Sixth Sense." This is completely untrue, because SOE was made BEFORE "Sixth Sense," and was just released to theaters a month or two later.
That being said, "Stir of Echoes" is a dark, suspenseful thriller that surpasses all of the ghost story movies of recent years. It is about an average working class family living in Chicago. When the husband Tom (Kevin Bacon) is hypnotized at a party, his mind is "opened" to all the supernatural elements he has always been so skeptical about.
"Stir of Echoes" is dark and eerie, with a great story and very good acting, especially from Zachary David Cope, who plays the little boy. Overall: this movie is creepy and suspenseful, and quite possibly will leave you some things to think about.
Identity (2003)
A gripping, suspenseful story
The thing that impresses me most about "Identity" is that it makes you think it is the typical "who's killing everyone" mystery story, and then it doubles back and becomes something completely different. The story is intriguing, and fairly original as well. I was very impressed by the acting, especially Ray Liotta as the tough, obnoxious cop.
My favorite part of this movie was the climax. Like most people, I had been told that there was a major plot twist, and had figured it out before it was revealed. Yet, there are actually TWO plot twists, and I never saw the second one coming! Although some people aren't impressed with the ending, I thought it suited the rest of the movie pretty well.
Overall: Very suspenseful, and not at all your typical murder mystery!