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Circle of Fire: The Dark Lord Kylnor (2002)
I get that this is a low budget film...
I get that this is a very low budget film, but this looks like a backyard production. Not even early film school level. The costumes looked decent and even the acting wasn't too bad considering the assumed pool of talent. But the camera work was awful, unsteady camera movements and cutting off the tops of heads simply because it wasn't framed right. And the sound quality is even worse. From one cut to the next the background noise change is jarring. There's a reason you record ambient noise at each location on set. As a low budget film a little more experienced filmmakers would have improved this movie drastically.
Krampus: The Reckoning (2015)
I thought it got bad reviews because it was a low budget film... I was wrong.
This film has very little to do with Christmas (I remember seeing one Christmas tree) there a few comments of "Merry Christmas" but other than that it doesnt have any Christmas feel to it. I can only imagine that it must be Christmas in a warm area because nobody so much as wears a jacket. Krampus has about 5 seconds of screen time throughout the whole movie. It's really just a movie about a creepy little orphan girl. The acting is stiff and the characters are cardboard cliche. Its hard to find any sympathy toward any character as the little orphan girl is an irritating brat, the cops just make up police terminology to sound cool and the psychologist is a absolute moron. The psychologist even gets outsmarted by the little orphan girl when she tries to question her, and ends up telling the girl more personal information than she was getting out of her young patient; which says a lot about her level of education. Does this woman even have a degree? Even the cops in the movie are creepers. One married cop tries to cox the psychologist to join him at the bar, then the next night shows up at her house drunk in the middle of the night, and they eventually end up in bed together. My guess is that she was screwing the cop all along to keep her fake degree a secret.
Overall, the story is boring, the acting is horrible, it barely qualifies as a Christmas movie, and the villain is basically non-existent. Just another film trying to cash in on the Krampus legacy.
Scarred (2016)
Who green lights this crap?
You can always tell the reviews that were written by someone involved with the film because they always praise the things everyone else claims is a problem. From the start of the movie you can tell that the sound editor can't do his job right (yet you'll read comments on how good the sound was). Background noise threatens to drown out the dialog. The reactions of the actors are so bad its like they didn't try. One guy doesnt believe that the killer is really Jonah or that Jonah is alive, when he finds out he's not even surprised. Later, one of the guys survives an attack and makes it back to tell the group with little enthusiasm. The rest of the group, finding out that one of their friends were killed, smile and joke around in conversation. Yeah, that's believable. Great acting. The story has no depth. The acting and sound is horrible. And the kills are just cheesy. Don't waste your time.
Batwoman: What Happened to Kate Kane? (2021)
Well this is off to a bad start
Episode 1 of the second season and when Kate Kane goes missing, her closest associates are practically yelling from the rooftops that Kate Kane was Batwoman. Geez, she's only been missing for what I assume is a matter of days and nobody cares to keep her secrets anymore.
Her friends confront this completely unknown homeless girl with a criminal record who finds the batsuit and refuses to give it back and they basically tell her that Kate was Batwoman. They know absolutely nothing about this lady or how she even got the suit. Not only that, but when this new Batwoman is being chased by the Batmobile she's told that its not Batman, he just looks like Bruce Wayne, essentially telling this stranger who has basically stolen the batsuit that Bruce Wayne is Batman. Any more secrets you guys wanna reveal? What happened to identities being a hero's most guarded secret? This season is already headed downhill. I gave a rating of 5 because I loved the first season and I'm hoping this gets better.
Plaga Zombie: American Invasion (2021)
Rehashed pop culture cliches galore
Yes, there are spoilers, but its hard to spoil something this bad. There are so many stolen jokes from pop culture movies that I cant even begin to list them all. Not borrowed, straight stolen. Done exactly like the movie it was taken from. Not like a whimsical humorous homages, an exact re-inactment for absolutely no reason.
Two guys in an elevator nodding their heads to the side with the music in sync with each other. A guy who looks like Snake Pliskin from shows up calling himself Kobra. And it does nothing to further the weak plot or even make you laugh at the same old tired jokes. It falls short on every level of horror/comedy. The only redeeming value is the decent SFX, which is the only reason I gave it 3 stars.
Fear Street: 1978 (2021)
Grown up version of Goosebumps
This movie is for those who grew up on Goosebumps movies but aren't ready for real horror movies yet. Its basically a simple Goosebumps plot with the addition of drugs and cuss words. Too racy for kids, too simple for adults. They use every horror cliche in the book. There are never any adults around until after everything has happened, then the adults never believe them. Classic Goosebumps cliche. *SPOILER ALERT* how do you have a conversation with your sister while you're getting bludgeoned in the chest with an ax? And why do the toilets in the outhouse lead to a maze of caves? Who poops into a cave? Is this supposed to be 1978 or 1578? And why are all the floor vents connected to the poopy cave? (I'm sure that makes the whole camp smell nice) Its too convenient of a plot point. The movie is all convenience and cliches. No tension, just quick kills.
Dorm of the Dead (2006)
A Great Example of What Not To Do
Everything was the worst attempt at everything. The acting was so stiff and stilted as if nobody really had any character motivation. The sound and lighting changed with every camera shot. Some shots were bright, some were dark. Some ambient background sound was loud then low. The background scenery didn't match from one shot to the next. I want to say that the editing sucked too, but the editor didn't really have much to work with to put together a coherent story.
This would be a great teaching tool for film students to see why you should and shouldn't do certain things. It feels like this movie was just thrown together over a weekend.
Titans: Jericho (2019)
Deathstroke shouldn't be able to take Donna Troy
I love the Titans series and this was one of the few action packed episodes. Lots of great fight scenes. My only complaint is that Robin put up a better fight than Donna Troy. That's not right. She's an amazon, she's trained for battle and she's on par with Wonder Woman, who has went toe-to-toe with Superman. There's no way Deathstroke could overpower her like he did. I would accept that he could out-think her, but power-wise Donna Troy is physically one of the strongest characters on the show. I realize I'm being a bit nit picky, but this one of the best true-to-comics series out there. Don't water it down.
Amityville: Mt. Misery Rd. (2018)
Blair With Project Without All The Thrills
That's no joke. This film is a bad Blair Witch Project knockoff except that this one takes place during the daytime. And apparently this movie was shot with a cell phone ...because nobody's ever done that before. Basically this movie is just an hour and fifteen minutes of a medium shot of these two people talking at the camera with clever dialogue such as Chuck saying, "look at that, isn't that cool?" and his wife replying with, "that's spooky." This is pretty much the extent of the dialogue as it is annoyingly rephrased and repeated for the next hour plus. Absolutely NOTHING happens for the first 40-45 minutes of the film. It takes most of the movie before this couple of supposed "ghost enthusiasts" even make it to Mt. Misery Road. But along the way they meet an extensive cast of full of one enthusiastic actor who looks and sounds as though he really didn't want to do this movie. Just like the ghost enthusiasts, this man apparently lives in Florida too, but ironically grew up near Mt Misery Road (what a coincidence) and gives his totally non-cliché version of the You're-All-Doomed speech. When they finally get to Mt. Misery Road all they do is wander around aimlessly in the woods until one of them is killed (...or just falls down, I couldn't really tell because all the action takes place off screen). They're supposedly lost in the woods but as the busty blonde swings the camera (phone) around, we can clearly see a structure of some kind in the background with working lights. But since this sounds like the set up for a dumb blonde joke, I'll just consider this cinematic goof part of the comic relief. This movie is just another example of someone who bought some editing software, read the manual and now thinks he's a qualified filmmaker. He wrote it, produced it, directed it, acted in it, did the camerawork and editing for it. When one person does it all, that always results in a good quality film. After you finish the journey you'll agree that Misery Road is an appropriate name for this movie.
Legacy (2010)
Falling Asleep In My Chair
Dont be fooled by the stellar reviews from those people probably associated with the production of this film (you can tell since they spend most of the review giving you the actor's backgrounds and character description instead of focusing on the actual plot). It's your basic low budget, bad horror movie that's VERY predictable and cliche. It's not scary. It's not funny. There really is no tension or suspense at all, the kills are quick and basically uninteresting because you don't care about the character who's dying. You can easily predict the characters who die because they don't have much screen time, so they're just fodder for the killer. Everyone wears their intentions on their sleeve. There is no subtlety. The reporter finds more in depth clues than the two FBI agents who discover next to nothing the entire film and then question it when they're provided with proof instead of actually checking into it. Maybe check people's phone records or possibly their backgrounds if you're an agent of the Bureau, you have those resources. The acting is decent for a low budget flick, except the sheriff has a tendency to mumble a lot which makes him hard to hear.
If you're a real horror fan then you'll find that there's not a big twist at the end, it's kinda what you'd expect.
Alpha House (2014)
Not bad if you don't have high hopes
The story is not only cliche but just plain unbelievable. But if you're just expecting some cheesey entertainment and great nude scenes, then this is worth a watch.
It's like Anerican Pie meets Animal House with less laughs and more boobs.
The writers obviously were never part of a fraternity and may have never gone to college by they way they portray college life and rules that govern them. On top of that the plans that the guys and girls execute to get back at each other don't even make sense. You won't understand what the goal or their plan was. But its all an excuse to show some good nude scenes. And the women are gorgeous. I bought this movie on a discount rack for $1 and for that price I wasn't disappointed.
Lake Noir (2013)
Don't Believe The Hyped Reviews - Pass On This One
I've seen a ton of indy horror flicks and this one ranks pretty low. You don't expect much out of most low budget films, but there is just no tension in this movie. There is seriously nothing happening for the first hour and ten minutes of this hour and a half film. No one dies, the "creature" (for lack of a better word) doesn't show up, nothing. Just a bunch of people talking about... well, nothing. It's as if you spied on a group of campers and listened in on their conversation for an hour or so. It goes nowhere. Just a bunch of talk about sex, food and booze. I can't imagine that there was an actual script because the dialog sounded made up and didn't even push the story along or help you understand anything beyond the surface of the cliched characters. There are so many plot holes and questions that make you wonder why the filmmakers never even tried to address any them. For example, why does a virgin girl clearly in her thirties need her mother's permission to go to the lake with her forty year old boyfriend? Why is this "creature" just killing random people, what's his motive? Why is everybody so cryptic and avoid just coming out and telling people why they shouldn't go to the lake, even when they're asked a direct question? And lastly, why are there multiple close up shots of the generic beers they're drinking? This was a film that might have been good if it was cut down to a 10-15 minute short. There's just not enough story or character development for a feature. A few boob shots and ten minutes of killing at the end isn't worth the hour and a half running time.
The Maize: The Movie (2004)
I would rather watch the Blair Witch Project five times than see this film again
This movie was so bad I don't know where to begin, apparently neither did the filmmakers. It starts off with a guy in his mid thirties to late forties watching TV. The news tells of a corn maze that's open for Halloween. He has a "vision" of God knows what and rushes off the save his kids who are walking into a cornfield maze and are somehow linked to this "vision" How you ask? I don't know, and as I said before neither do the filmmakers. They're simply visions of people's feet. How did he get these "visions"? It's never explained, we're just supposed to go along with it. He enters the maze to find his two daughters who are lost inside, and twice the girls he's looking for walk right past him, one time they actually run into him. What does he do? Does he chase after them? No. He stands there like an idiot calling for them when they just ran past. Do the girls stop? No. They run off then ask "Was that Dad?" Then someone dressed as demon jumps on the "star" (the Dad character) he beats him up in a pathetic fight only to find out he's a worker at the haunted maze. The police are called and after finding the "star" (which is a really bad term to use) they cuff him. They cuff his hands in front of him, so that he can find something to pick the lock with, which he does. First off, anybody who's ever been arrested knows that cops cuff your hands behind your back, and secondly why does this "average guy" seem to know how to pick the lock on handcuffs? Well he eventually gets away from the cops who give up and leave after a the "star's" wife sets off the siren in the police car as a distraction. By the way, it's now night time and all the workers running the maze have seem to have left once the sun went down. Leaving a man who attacked one of their workers and two missing children in the maze. Considering it was a slow night that these are their only customers, why not. Besides the cops apparently have better things to do as well. By the way, the "star" who goes by the name of "Walker", we figure out it's his last name, a name in which his wife even calls him by. Somehow he knows there is something buried in the middle of this cornfield maze and starts digging. I say 'somehow' because I couldn't figure out why he started digging in the first place. He finds a locket, what does it mean? Nothing to anyone who watches this, but to him it's some sort of clue to a crime. Somebody killed their kids in his "vision" and I guess that's what he's going on, real detective work. And by now he knows there's a killer loose in the corn maze, one he somehow knew was there from the start of the film, which is why he's looking for his girls. Every time we see the killer, or rather the killer's feet, we hear a weird robotic sound, like a sci-fi reject toy that changes a persons voice to sound mechanical. Why do we hear this sound? Is it in anyway related to...anything? Again, who knows? Certainly not the filmmakers. The peak of all the bad acting and bad dialog was when "Walker" yells out "Hey you, Mr. Bad Man...I'm gonna get you." Another time his wife is attacked by the "Bad Man" at the entrance to the corn maze, which like I mentioned before is oddly empty of any employees or policemen. The "Bad Man" calls "Walker" on his cell phone to tell him that he plans on killing his wife and kids and him as well. "Walker" can only reply with "Hey. HEY!" before dropping his phone and running off. With no one on the other end to talk to, the killer drops his phone too, he drags the wife a few feet then leaves her alone for the rest of the film, losing the first opportunity to hold true to his treats. If this script wasn't written by a child I'd be surprised. Opps it wasn't. It was written, directed, and produced by the same guy. And not only that, he also did so much of the crappy camera work as well, where we get random shots of feet walking through the muddy maze and meaningless shots of the cornfield, that waste 90% of the film time. In the end "Walker" uses the cuffs to cuff the "Bad Man", who also seems to know how to pick locks with the same metal object that "Walker" had picked it with. Apparently there are lots of small metal objects just laying around this cornfield. But after the killer insists he's still going to kill the kids "Walker" kills the "Bad Man", and everything is right with the world again. Now in reality this makes "Walker" a murderer, he's killed a man who "Supposedly" murdered his own daughters and was trying to kill his. He knows this, not because of proof, but because of his visions. He never found a body, nobody else knows this guy was even in the maze. And the locket? He gives it back to the ghosts of the two dead girls. No proof. So he kills a man without any tangible reason. I can't imagine what the filmmakers were thinking with this one. It must have been a way to cover up a misappropriation of funds for the production company. I would rather watch the Blair Witch Project five times than see this film again. The actors should be ashamed. The director/producer/writer/cameraman should also be ashamed. In fact the entire production company should be ashamed. If there is anyone associated with this film, please reply. What were you thinking?
House of the Dead (2003)
They charge you for this?
The first ten minutes were the only thing worth watching. The gratuitous nudity was the only thing that kept my interest. The dialog was horrible, the plot was even worse. There are more holes in this movie than a car after a drive-by. The stupidity level in this film was off the charts, The actors need to go back to acting class. The phoney 'Matrix' copycat scenes were pathetic. Save your money, I'm sure the production company wished they did.