Reviews

Others have already savaged this flick as boring. I'm going to focus on some of the sillier aspects of the movie that help make it boring that I don't really see touched upon.

In theory Science Fiction...and even young adult Science Fiction...is supposed to make one think. Not here. This is glossy fiction without Science.

Watch every scene and ask yourself...

"Where do all these people get their make-up and nails and hair done?"

Everyone always looks glamourous!

The world has been destroyed...plants have been ravaged...but everyone always lloks well fed, trim, well-clothed...and glamorous!

Then there are the buildings. Aren't all the buildings so cool!?

Who built the buildings?

What construction equipment did they use?

What roads did they use to get where the cool buildings are built?

And where do all the cool flying machines get built?

What factory fabricates the metal?

What mining firm is used to get the metal?

How are the tools for fabrication made?

Where are all the electronics made?

Where does all the fuel come from?

Nothing is plausible from a scientific point of view.

For this viewer there is zero suspension of disbelief.

But...hey...people cashed out...and that's all that those involved care about.

Catching this on the Turner network. Finding that the ennui of other reviewers is spot on. For all the flash and smash it is just a boring plot hole filled big budget flick.

Since other reviewers have already noted the plot holes and general boredom my focus is to point out other areas of failure that others never get to.

Xochitl Gomez plays America Chavez. She displays the acting depth of a 2 x 4. In virtually every scene she is in she stands still with her her arms at her side. It's as if the director said "Stand on this mark and do not move an inch while we build the CGI all around you."

She also gets stuck in a cool word sounding prison that is basically a 4 walled plexiglass where she stands still. There is nothing in the room. By that I mean there is no commode or TP or food or chair or even a book to read. This is a common superhero movie conceit. No one ever has to go potty. Except when it is convenient...like the Asgardians eating and drinking because the just won another battle and killed a bunch of whatevers...no one ever eats because no one is ever hungry.

She also shows the emotional depth of a 2 x 4. "I opened a portal and killed my parents" is basically what she says without batting an eye. It's said in a manner like Hulk smashing Loki without Loki having any broken bones or busted spleen or even a hangnail. No emotional trauma at all.

This extends to all the characters in the movie. They talk about dead children like they are talking about cooking pasta.

This is what makes it all so boring. Nothing really happens. The CGI is all about "how cool looking can we make this CGI" instead of any relevance to anything plotwise. The characters either stand still spouting meaningless profundity or they pretty well stand still while CGI fighting occurs around them.

Ennui epitomized.

And sucking at that too!

This is just incredibly awful film making by some decent names.

The script is really amateur dreck so there is nothing for anyone to work with. Lines such as "I guess I am a widow"...delivered by Sylvia Kristel like she is reading a teleprompter for the first time...are what Dracula's Widow utters one hundred years later upon learning that Helsing's grandfather killed Dracula. Yep, I'm a centuries old vampire who kills people and drinks their blood...and what I care about is whether I am a widow.

The director and crew were toally incapable of filming any motion. EVERY THESPIAN MUGS TO THE CAMERA IN SOME POSE WHILE DELIVERING BAD LINES! The viewer ends up watching the same 6 people mugging and hamming it up to "build tension" with terrible dialog.

The music contains blatant ripoffs of other films to accent the "build the tenison." I kept hearing Videodrome eerie music over and over and over again.

And what "tension is built?" NOTHING! Tension between 2 detectives who banter at each other about whose case it is with lines such as "I don't know how you became my boss because it sure wasn't because you are a good cop" or "You're through! You'll never work as a cop again!" delivered mugging to the camera while sitting in a 50 cent set smoking a cigarette to look tough.

Every male who hit puberty in the 1970's knew that Sylvia Kristel was the hot Euro babe for the forbidden Emmnuelle flicks. She ain't like that here. It's just stiff necked awful acting in the same outfit! Good golly the crotch rot from outfit never changing must be awful...and it would still be better than her acting!

Every character is an unbelievable low budget DORK! Male and female. They all act stupid and no empathy with the viewer is developed.

Ed Wood did it better.

I have watched a lot of Kung Fu movies in my life. I can't think of a worse one I have even seen. It really is that awful.

After Bruce Lee died there were ads for Bruce Li kung fu movies. I never had an opportunity to watch one until they ran Return of the Tiger on one of the retro channels. How bad could it be?

Wow! There is nothing here but awful everything. Some movies are so bad they are fun to watch; not so here. It just drags

The plot is typical rival gang heroin dealers but the plot is irrelevant to the fight scenes. Ther may be 5 minutes of dialog in the entire flick.

At one point our hero is accosted by gang members on motor bikes. The action takes place first on a one lane road but the chase him into a dirt field. He is able to outrun the bikes!

Then he stops to fight. The villains pop wheelies to threaten him while driving at him...except the tires aren't moving. The tires make screeching tires on pavement sounds...on a dirt road. The bikes and hero jump up and around first a couple stacks of baskets and then a stock of empty carton boxes. Why are baskets and boxes stacked in the middle of nowhere? Obviously they are only there to be able to shoot a motorbike crashing through...except that they barely crash through. It's just awful staging and filming.

I kept watching going "who is the token white dude big man?" Turns out to be Bluto from the Popeye movie. In the big fight scene at the end antagonists hit him in the stomach with like a 6 foot mini telephone pole...except the filming is so awful you can tell they just tap him with the pole held up by strings

This was just bad...bad...BAD!!

Even by LMN standards this is utter garbage.

Supposedly Joey takes care of Grandpa...who supposedly has Alzheimers. There are no other medical people involved in caring for Gramps. Gramps isn't crapping his pants and peeing everywhere. Nah...as long as Gramps is given his undefined pills he is OK.

Kim isn't much better. She moves in to help take care of Gramps...but there is no care involved. Instead it is sleep with makeup on and walk out on the parapet at 1:00 AM when texted by psycho hot shirtless caretaker living in the guesthouse. The lighting is 100% perfect on the parapet and in his room so they can ogle each others bodies while texting how hot they are.

It gets worse from there

This is appalling trash grossly insulting to people such as myself who were a caretaker to an elderly parent. The people involved with this project demonstrate zero understanding of what being a caretaker is like. They don't even try.

Instead it is painting a symptathetic picture of a souless female who deserves nothing.

Disgusting.

That's right...Dogs. No Gods here.

Over the years this American has watched plenty of Chinese "Gung Fu" movies that most Americans probably have not ever seen. The storylines and Chinese mythology are usually fantastic.

Laste Saturday when channel surfing I saw there was something called League of Gods starring Jet Li on the commercial free channel. YAY! I missed hearing about this one. It's Chinese! It's filled with Chinese thespians! It's Jet Li! What could go wrong?

The answer is "everything went wrong." As other reviewers have noted the story is a mess.

Some note that Americans just don't get the Chinese mythology that the story is based upon. The problem with that argument is that LOG has no actual story. It is a pastiche of CGI after CGI after CGI with nothing really tying it together

During the filimng of the original Dawn of the Dead Tom Savani and crew wondered "how can we ceatively kill zombies?" They came up with the screwdriver in the ear and other methods and George Romero worked those actions into the script while keeping the plot line intact. That's what makes DOTD work so well. One doesn't even notice the special effects.

LOG looks like a bunch of animators sat around and said "how can we make cool animation scenes" and all the animation scenes were just thrown together with no storyline. Not only that the creativity of the scenes drops down to Adam Sandler level. "Oh look! How cute! Kung Fu Baby with Kung Fu pee and Kung Fu fart!" No...it is not cute...it is pathetic.

Save your time. Watch The Legend of Fung Sai Yuk or The Bride With White Hair or The Killer Meteors or so many others instead. Watch the Drum Dance in House of Flying Daggers. The creativity and Chinese lore in all of them put LOG to shame. This is just a bunch of loud pointless CGI craptology.

Yes...E. O. T. Is technically well made. They had the money to do that.

When you strip away the big money glitz...what do you have? You have a one-trick pony sold as science fiction when really it is all just fiction with no science.

Independence Day at least made a half-hearted attempt at science. The ID aliens use the satellites above earth to communicate. That is technology. That is science. (I say half hearted because any alien race with that big a mothership and all those battle cruisers around the globe could run the signal through the battle cruisers to deal with line of sight...or just launch their own portable satellite system...they've done this on other worlds...but that takes away Jeff Goldblum's hero role as written)

In EOT Tom Cruise gets slimed with alien blood and now he is time traveling. THIS IS NOT SCIENCE! It's convenient fantasy. It's also a one-trick pony in that from the beginning you know that he will keep living the same day over and over and over again. Everytime he wakes up I kept expecting the Energizer Bunny to come banging through because that is what it is like.

Not much science in the military or spaceship side of things. Oh sure the weapons are big and bad filled with a never ending amount of ammunition and the spaceships and machines can just be flown or driven wherever needed but it is all fantasy machines that really don't make sense. Hitting a button and saying "Power On" is nice but the machine is more complex than the planes on Air Disasters and they have to do a heck of a lot more than say "Power On." But that would take time away from massive amounts of weapons firing endless rounds of ammunition and be way less exciting.

It just gets annoying how everyday at the point of death he just wakes up and changes one more thing to get further but most of the time it just cuts to the time change points because you have to for length of feature but it ends up being Michael Myers and Jason Voorhies in that they keep killing them and they keep coming back and that is all that is going on here.

The whole movie is like one big "deus ex machina." Think of it like the LOTR eagles coming to save the day...again. Well this is magic...excuse me...science fiction alien blood that is like the eagles. Tommy Boy gets slimed and the eagles....the blood...is always there to save him. Watching a one-trick deus ex machina for the run time of this flick with no actual science involved just gets boring.

One of the main points in writing and film to be successful is to have characters that the audience roots for. This films starts wih unrealistic unlikable characters and devolves.

The main protagonist starts with her second jilting of the same guy at the altar. That's 2 weddings she stood there and said "I do not."

How much money was spent on the almost weddings? It has to be at a minimum $20,000 each! Probably more. That doesn't include 2 receptions that never happened. Those have to be paid for also. Plus the wedding rehearsels where she evidently said I do then.

How much time of the attendees was pissed away? Everyone just showed up both times and no one felt put out?

Her best friend kind of laughs it off. "Oh, gee, how many girls get to be bridesmaid 3 times for the same couple? Giggle Giggle."

This is all from an organized business dynamo who has built a chocolate confectionary factory. Who the heck runs this place because she may own it but all she does is make a choclate cake or two. No inventory control issues. No accounting issues. No employee issues. Just saying I do issues.

I especially love that they guy says "I want a church wedding." Why do any of them want a church wedding? They do nothing church \ religion related at all She's not seeking counseling from a preacher for having "I do" issues

The characters are just a bunch of unlikable asses. Nobody wants to watch asses for hours.

This Reviewer once saw a Siskel & Ebert show titled something like "Movies that re so terrible you just have to love them." For the record I remember 2 of the 4 being The Fury (ahh...the exploding head of John Cassavetes!) and The Last Tycoon (Anthony Quinn given free reign to ham it up). Spock's Brain falls into this category.

The rating of 5 is because this episode really seems to split the difference for most people. Everyone seems to be a 2/3 or 7/8 for a rating.

If one wants a serious science fiction story with drama then one does not want this episode. When one watches it once is expecting the Monty Python troupe to suddenly appear and start going "Stop It! This is too silly!" So you rate the episode a 2/3.

If one enjoys a knee slapping Star Trek hoot-a-thon then one loves the episode. Everything about this episode is cheesy. The dialog is totally eye-rolling. If you enjoy this cheese then you rate it a 7/8.

The episode is a combination of The Trouble with Tribbles and Ed wood. The episode is as humorous as The Trouble with Tribbles. However the episode was not intended to be humorous. Ed Wood movies are hilarious but he didn't intend them to be.

Finally, the reason I bothered to write this review is in response to the other reviewer comment about the troubles the female society would have mating and breeding. IMO those reviewers are like Marty McFly in that they are not thinking multidimensionally. The chick in the society can zip across the universe and steal Spock's brain. Clearly they can get smart for a few hours and go out and get laid on some planet! Then they come back pregnant with no memory of ever getting laid! It's the acme of Matriarchal Civilization!

I caught Black Widow on Movies today. I had never heard of it but the cast looked good and it caught my interest enough to watch it. The viewing felt like watching a play on stage with some interesting subject matter let down by being an antisceptic murder story.

The acting and the sets are very elegant and present a nice perspective on 1950's NYC elites. The story line has a steamy seedy thread to it. Peggy Ann Garner plays a 20 year old turn on trying to use her wiles and pregnancy to climb the social ladder. Suddenly she commits suicide in Van Helfin's apartment...later determined to be murder...and Van is on the lamb trying to figure out what happened before the police can catch up to him.

In typical theater style Van goes from person to person \ place to place and exposition after exposition occurs without any real action at all outside of emotional emoting. Each step is another twist leading back to the perpetrator of the crime.

The extra-marital affair \ illegit pregancy \ soap opera \ suicide into murder works well except that it is all too antisceptic to really take off. No one gets beat up. There are no chases. And at the end the perpetrator comes off as not believable to have strangled someone & made it long like a suicide & framed others. It all just wraps up nice and neat like a stage play....but real murderers and murderesses just don't act the way a "let's wind it up stage play" has them act.

The Police song Driven to Tears should have been the theme song

"How can you say that you're not responsible?

What does it have to do with me?

What is my reaction, what should it be?

Confronted by this latest atrocity Driven to tears"

If you are a person who rates films based on technical expertise you will probably rate Speed Racer very high. I consider technical expertise to be only one portion of rating and when confronted by this latest atrocity I was "Driven (by Speed) to Tears ...of Boredom."

I've never watched the cartoon. I've seen little snippets of the kid and seal clapping so I have no prejudice one way or another. I guess the seal was changed to a chimp. Why? Probably because seals need water to live in and a chimp is easier for filming. They probably wanted something more "realistic."

This moves is hypocrisy at it's finest. Cars rountinely drive at unknown high speeds and flip all around and bang each other but only like a couple times is there ever a crash. The cars don't even get a dent. There are no pit crews or dents or tire changes...but plenty of James Bond gadgetry...most of which is introduced and used so fast one is left wondering what just actually happened?

There is zero racing in the film. It's all just cartoon posturing that anyone beyond a 6 year old would know is total hokiness. The problem is when the money spent on this film is added up there are enough 6 year olds paying to see the film to recoup the losses.

The story is a one-note borefest dragged out. Good family versus evil business guy. The intent was to show speed maturing but Speed never actually does anything but posture and hit buttons inside a car. His character never really develops.

Oh...but the seal was changed to a chimp for "realism"

The Medusa Touch is like the originals series Twight Zone episode titled "It's a Good Life." You know, the one where Billy Mumy plays Anthony...the kid who can put you in the cornfield. Richard Burton basically plays Anthony...with abit more of The Bade Seed psychological make-up.

Really...that is it. It is a one-note Twilight Zone episode strecthed out to make a "capitalize of the Carrie craze" of the moment. And has been proven time and time again when you take a one-note story and try and turn it into a feature length film the audience becomes bored because it becomes boring to see the same thing over and over again.

Anthony...er...Richard Burton can kill people with his mind. Just like putting them in the cornfield. During his life that is what he does...kill people in inventive ways...with each killing becoming bigger in scope.

Can anyone stop Anthony...er Richard Burton...from puting us all in the cornfield? Most people...wfter suffering through this trip...would rather be put in the cornfield!

At least that is what the final credit says.

I can't understand the reviewers who question low ratings because the film is a BORE!

The director turned Deborah Kerr into a whiny HAM!

The director turned everyone else into a piece of WOOD!

As noted by others the proper review title should be "Wicker Man: The Prequel" The vineyards are withering and a human sacrifice is needed to rejuvenate the land. Beyond that the 2 films have little else in common.

David Niven is a mopey bore who knows it is "fait accompli." He gets word it is time to return home and be the slaughtered lamb. He goes to the family castle in France.

Deborah Kerr is his wife and mother of their 2 children. She drives the kids to the castle the next day and from that point on it is a yawn fest of wooden characters while Debby hams it up with hysterics as she begins to understand the deal.

Donald Pleasance is the evil priest. I don't think he moves a muscle the entire movie.

The film tries to build suspense with lots of cut editing to crescendo music but it just comes off awful. This is epitomized by the climax. David Niven and his assassins slowly ride on horseback to where he will have an arrow shot between his eyes. Deborah Kerr runs from person to person screaming for help before eventually finding a away to run to save hubby. What follows is a looping cut of her whining while running and David standing and the archer standing while the music grows and grows and grows.

Good premise or not...It's just boring.

The main step in how not to make a movie is to not utterly destroy all suspension of disbelief belief before the title credits have ended!

The main character who professes having wanted to be a model since she was a wee little girl is absolutely clueless about modeling!

She wants to be a top global model but doesn't even want to show a bare shoulder?

She's wanted to be a model her whole life...yet in her whole life she has developed ZERO contacts!

The scriptwriters have no idea how modeling actually works (despite the standard "inspired by a true story" tagline)

Every line of dialog is spoken like a wooden tree is speaking it.

No one actually does a layout for anything like a magazine. They all talk in nebulous terms of "modeling" but nothing even remotely close to any factual business dealings occurs.

My god this one is awful!

This popped up on Turner Classic Movies and I thought "This is weird. I'm a movie buff and was 18 years old in 1981 and I ran the book store that specialized in Science Fiction and Fantasy at the time...and I don't recall this movie! It must have been awful. Must see TV!"

I was right! A decent start turns into just an awful film. It's a "run from scene to scene without much ever really happening" adventure. It wants to Romancing the Stone. Even Sahara was was better than this. In fact while watching I kept half expecting Matthew Mcconaughey to suddenly show up as an Egyptian. He would have fit right in.

Lesley Anne Down is as stiff as a board. In the Mummy movies Rachel Weiss shows physical skills such as the initial "up on the ladder wreck the library scene." None of that from Lesley. Even when she gets thrown into the tomb rolling down a flight of steps she looks like an ironing board being thrown down stairs.

Nothing really ever happens. The script has more loose threads than a frayed coat. Nothing happens with any inscriptions or parchments that are paraded around. How to keep a pyramid from ever being robbed goes to the grave with the guy who has his pyramids raided anyway.

So...you are a somewhat renowned Egyptologist. An antiquities dealer shows you the find of the century illegally hidden in his house. Then he leaves her with it and through a conveniently place peephole in the second story floor she watched him get murdered by 3 guys. What do you do?

She runs out but leaves her big ass purse with everything behind. So she has to run back in. Her purse has been emptied but I guess her passport wasn't stolen. She gathers her goods only to have a scimitar fight break out between 2 men who have arrived.

Do you go to the police? Of course not! You start meeting various guys you can eventually fall in love with!

The end takes place underneath a tourist trap pyramid set-up. Underneath the pyramid is a set of immaculate chambers with huge Egyptian antiquities all brilliantly lit by electricity! And in a special niche beyond everything already in the room is the 6 foot tall statue.

Who gets the electric bill? What mailing address is the meter reading sent to? And how did the get everything in the chamber down the narrow hallway? How did the know to build the room with a niche for the statue? How did they get the status that must literally weigh a ton around a couple hundred other pieces crammed into the room so that there is barely a walkway all the way to the back niche? Egypt is so mysterious!

At the end Frankie baby knocks out a piling to bring down the ceiling to seal himself into the antiquities room...buried underneath a pyramid...where the tourists are arriving. So basically he causes a cave in that no one a couple feet above notices. Lesley doesn't notice. She knows where the find of the century is buried but her new lover just died sealing himself in rather than trying to make a go of it with her. I think he got the better end of the deal!

Turner Classic Movies declared the Christmas season over by running House of Dark Shadows, Night of Dark Shadows, It!, and Sphinx in sequence. What a lucky day to be home doing housework!

I'd never heard of It! (which is odd to me) but who doesn't love some Roddy McDowell...everyone's favorite Apeman (outside of Ray Davies). Roddy is always lovable whether playing a villain in 5 Card Stud or the physical medium in the excellent Legend of Hell House. Here is Roddy at his cardboard best channeling his inner Norman Bates.

It! Kind of drags along for the first 45 minutes or so. Well so do many 1960s British style horror flicks. Except this really isn't a horror movie. It's more like a British version of Roger Corman with a Bucket of Blood feel to it. Roddy is another form of the nebbish in Bucket of Blood and the killings in either movie are hardly scary.

But...suddenly about 2/3 of the way through...it turns into a combo Monty Python\Benny Hill movie. They cut to Roddy driving a hearse he stole and I expected to hear Yakkety-Sax to start playing!

The last 15 minute are just a scream. I'd love to spoil but this is one you don't want spoiled. Instead you want to be lit up like a kite for a real howler of a conclusion!

In a certain sense it isn't very good. In another sense there are scenes with hilarity in them...especially the back end. So...a 5 for no other reason that that.

I once read a book title "Something Happened" written by Joseph Heller...author of the excellent "Catch-22." I was excited to read another book by the accomplished author but when I was done I felt that the book title should have been "Nothing Happened" because hundreds of pages later that is what I felt happened: Nothing.

From 1976 to 1988 I bought and sold new and used comic books for a living. I have a knowledge of Batman that is quite extensive. I have always liked the Batman character and I understand it is hard to keep reinventing him.

That said: The Batman keeps making the rounds on HBO at the moment and I continue to try and watch the movie. The problem is I am always completely bored no matter what section of the 3 hour film I watch I come back to the same thing: NOTHING HAPPENS!

Not only that but the film is washed to be perpetually dark. One feels like they are in their bed at night trying to stave off sleep trying to get interested.

It also doesn't help that every character in every scene sounds like they are speaking monotone into a megaphone creating a voice like the Central Scrutinizer speaking...yes...Joe's Garage Central Scrutinizer...except without the humor or interesting social commentary.

It's just a really ^&%&%(%^ boring movie!

The thing that sparks me to actually post a review is because this flick morphs Fran Drescher into Jennifer Tilly. Seriously. The odd voice is there but the tone has changed...into Jennifer Tilly voice. Fran seems shorter to me but her face also seemed to me to be more vertical in nature instead of round like...Jennifer Tilly. Even the hair styling morphed into...Jennifer Tilly.

As far as the flick...it is as cloyingly Christmas gay male as anyone could get. That's why Mr. Garrison and Mr. Hat would not approve; the representation of gay male is pure sugar coating by Lifetime. The gay male stereotyping is everything that Mr. Garrison and Mr. Hat rail against.

Another reviewer wishfully stated that they wished the off-screen romantic marriage of the 2 lead actors had come across on the screen. It's easy for this reviewer to state why that is: They are copping a paycheck playing a gay couple that is nothing like the life they lead together in real life. They are going through the motions of a script written by FunnyBot as a joke about what being gay at Christmas is like. Straight or gay Lifetime Christmas movies are as phony as they come.

As in "What Would You do?"

You are (purportedly) a loving husband. You live in an expensive house. You have the weekend alone because the wife and kids are gone for the weekend.

Two hot young fully made up scantily clad females show up at your door. They claim to be looking for someone they can't find.

WWYD?

Wouldn't you be like "This is odd." Wouldn't you ask questions like "Where are you from and who specifically are you looking for and where is your car and how are 2 hot girls in the neighborhood without phones or car standing wet in the rain?"

If you are a loving husband and 2 hot babes show up at the door wouldn't you think this could lead to sexual trouble you should...as a loving husband...avoid?

Wouldn't you text your wife a picture explaining the situation so that she could know what is going on?

Nah...you do what Keanu does best...walk around speaking in a low voice with no smile looking like a deer in the headlights as you proceed to do stupid thing after stupid thing.

It's an Idiot Principle movie! That's where the only way for the plot to move forward is for people to more and more idiotic things to move the story along because any real human would have done something different from the start of the story.

I've usually enjoyed Vampire and monster movies over the decades...much more so than torture porn. Rarely have I ever seen such a head scratching dud as this turkey. It's way worse than Dracula A. D. 1972...which is pretty awful

What is it about vampires that fascinates people? The answer is that vampires are cool! You get hot girls or guys just by staring at them and the neck biting \ blood drinking is erotica! You can manipulate things and maybe fly around as another animal. Who cares if you can't stand the daylight?

Well...this Drac seems to be somewhat tired of all that. He is head of a syndicate so everyone else does his bidding. He doesn't seem to really do a lot. He is fabulously wealthy but only has 1 bodyguard. He has hot chicks in the basement all vampired up but he hangs out with 3 fat old British farts.

This all actually comes out at the end. Getting to that point is a boring slog.

Dracula is like Captain Kirk in a way. Commander of the ship but prone to total bone-headedness. At the end he is also am impotent vampire. The room is on fire and there is a stare down between Van Helsing and the Big D. Studly boy runs in the room and runs by Drac and grabs the girlie and runs out with her...and Drac is powerless to stop him. Drac again stares down with by now an older Peter Cushing Van Helsing...and VH grabs a chair and throws the chair past Drac totally smashing window and windowsill and he zooms past Drac and out.

Drac is confused like a senile senior. He eventually climbs out the window...no graceful vampire soar out...more like Big Momma trying to climb out the window.

What follows is Drac and VH stumbling through remarkably well lit woods for a pitch black British night. And I do mean stumbling. Right? Drac...king of wolves and bats...bumbling and fumbling through the woods and then dying in the most embarrassing stupid method ever.

One nice thing about jolly Old England: No matter why you are...there is always something handy around to kill a vampire with. You can be naked standing in the middle of a well lit soccer pitch well away from anyone or anything...and you will find what you need to kill the vampire you are battling. Every time a character is threatened by a vampire suddenly exactly what you need to kill the vampire is suddenly there!

None of the characters in this film are even remotely realistic. That's because everyone is and everything is "really cool." An example is the "medieval chyron" advancing the story 1 year by opening what looks like a box into two wooden sides with the words "a quick year later" showing. It's actually hard to read because the two pieces of wood don't line up properly but WOW! HOW COOL IS THAT!

Most of the time the film is half dark because HEY! THAT'S COOL LOOKING! It's the Middle Ages so sunlight and other light had not yet been discovered. What great metaphoric work.

So you can't see the thespians on screen and everyone mumbles. No one smiles ever and there is zero cheer from anyone. Yeah, that really is SYMBOLISM!

Actually it is people going through the motions thinking they are making an artsy symbolic Arthurian Legend film. It is absurdly pretentious. The King and his Knights are celebrating Christmas with a feast but where is it held? WITH JUST THE KING AND THE KNIGHTS! The room is totally dark and there is no roaring fire (but the door is open and you can see snow outside; the filmmakers must have grown up in sunny LA because they have no clue what living in winter is like). Where is the King's Court? In the room where the setup takes place you can't fit more than 13 people in; does anyone have any idea how Kings actually lived?

Get the 2004 Sword of the Valiant if you want a realistic take on the story. It is totally better and Sean Connery as the Green Knight is a hoot!

A Boy and His dog was released when I was 12 years old and into all the sci-fi and horror films at the time but I couldn't see it because of the R rating. I was certainly aware of the basic plot and the ending.

47 years later I called it up on youtube and finally watched it. Dummy me I thought Valerie Perrine was the chick but I confused this film with Slaughterhouse Five for the lead. Regardless it was interesting to finally watch it.

What really struck me about the movie is how low budget it is. Unfortunately the low budget really hampers the movie.

The story isn't bad and it makes some sense and does have a good, wry ending. The problem is that working with the low budget really hampers the ability to overcome the "suspension of disbelief." With a bigger budget more could have been done.

The first 2/3 of the film are "above ground" with a bunch of characters who are almost like Waterworld characters except this is dry & dusty world. Supposedly everyone is constantly needing to scavenge for food and drink to exist everyday yet no one really seems hungry or underfed or undernourished.

Getting laid seems to be the most important thing for males but there aren't females around. When one does find a female it appears that a quickie is the only thing that matters. It's really not clear.

Directly underground is a lush paradise that no up above knows exists. This paradise is run by a weird Jason Robards and Hank Kimball. The problem is that there is no budget to really show the society in anything but a Benny Hill kind of society. The people underground are just a bunch of weirdos akin to the underground people in Beneath The Planet of the Apes.

With no real budget to make everyone weird the way this is done is by having everyone wear clown makeup. I guess they eat, sleep and bath with clown makeup on. Why they do this is unclear other then to make everyone be unhinged looking.

The whole thing is more like an O'Henry irony story than anything else. It's not bad; just not that great either.

In Pirates of the C #2 they rhetorically ask Admiral Norrington "You did try to sail through the hurricane, did you?" The point being "You didn't attempt to do something incredibly stupid...did you?" well, these people did...and what you see is what your get...Darwin Award winners doing things that Darwin award winners do...ultimate stupidity.

Other reviewers note the need for uppers to keep them awake for the first slog of the movie. This is the "character development" to make you feel sympathy for the characters. They're just good ol' folks trying to make a living. Of course, good ol' folks are actually quite boring on screen because they really don't say or do anything of note.

Anyone who has seen any episodes of The Deadliest Catch or other fishing shows will watch and go "there is nothing about the characters portrayed that makes me think they have ever caught a fish in their life." Being an actor who delivers lines like "you promised me a boatload of fish" doesn't remotely convey a sense that you have the slightest clue of what fishing or managing a boat on the water to go fishing is like. NOT ONE THESPIAN IS BELIEVABLE!

Add to this the ORECHESTRAL DIRGE that plays through the first third of the film. It's like everyone knows this will be a death march before anyone leaves port. EVERYTHING IS DOOM AND GLOOM! Everyone seems to know that this is a journey fated to run into The Perfect Storm. That's why the music is so somber (except for the obligatory Bruce Springsteen and Tom Waits

The first reviewers review says "don't go to the movie to learn the true story." well, don't advertise it as a real story and pass it off as a true story when all you are creating is stock pandering dialog and characters!

It's typical Hollywood blah blah blah.

The lead character is a complete ass. She lies to everyone and most of al she lies to herself. A movie of 2 hours on TV of a person who is full of lies living a totally unrealistic life makes for an awful movie.

Kyra needs a dog because she totally lies about having a dog. The people she is speaking to seem totally oblivious to obvious lies. Oh, but she is virginal cute and a female ovulating so that makes everything OK because...you know...giggle giggle...she's just a girl doing good!

If you have no life and live in a total fantasy lie you will love watching cute giggle after cute giggle. Few people exist like that.

I get that Lifetime movies are targeted at the Peg Bundy's of the world who want to chillax and get horny watching hot bods making it with glitz and make-up in a 2 hour soap opera psycho drama. As a male I sometimes enjoy the hotties running around. This turkey shows a salon full of honeys before the first break but a salon full of honeys doth not a good Lifetime movie make on it's own.

Even the most jaded Peg Bundy's still want to achieve some semblance of the Suspension of Disbelief. Just even 10% might be enough. This clunker has zero % Suspension of Disbelief.

Stalker or not...set-up or not...nobody is going to buy any story that a cute girl from New York moves to LA only to get dumped and be left hanging around outside the beauty salon. What...was the bus station nearby? Did she taxi from the airport to this spot?

What was her plan in moving to California? To live with the guy who dumped her as she was moving there? "Yeah...I'm a ditz! I was going to live with Mr. Fabulous but he dumped me and I don't know where I will spend the night! But...you know...I'm not mad because I know I will get picked up by the Sorority Sister if I hang out here."

Women know all about beauty salons. The beauty salon here is like none other on earth. Sure the fixtures are there but nothing about the salon is how salons actually look or work.

They enter the salon and 2 hour late arrogant bitch is there but nobody can be bumped to take care of her because the salon is booked....but nobody is waiting for the next appointment. Past reception into the salon and nobody has a bib on for cutting and styling hair. Nobody is in mid-service. Half the salon is empty.

They go to the back and chat with another non-busy person. They are so busy they decide to treat the waif to a facial. But...they couldn't do ANYTHING for the 2 hour late lady!

Psycho girl goes to wreck the car of arrogant 2 hour late lady in the parking lot of a busy grocery store. Arrogant lady parks her BMW 2 seater convertible like an M6 and goes inside the store. Somehow Psycho girl gets under the vehicle and unscrews a nut and drains the brake fluid.

Now...the ground clearance on a BMW M6 is 4.3 inches Maximum! How does a fully made up dressed in nice clean clothing girl crawl underneath a BMW with 4.3 inches clearance and drain the brake fluid from a car parked in a busy grocery store parking lot and not get noticed by anyone? Good thing she knew to get metric tools! Or did she just...you know...unscrew a screw with her hands?

Before you say "It's a Lifetime movie; you are supposed to check your brain at the door"...NO! I have watched tons of LMN movies and the vast majority of them are NOT THIS AWFUL! Even Peg Bundy would turn this clunker off!