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Brain_Guy
Reviews
Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964)
Very odd, pure mid-1960's
This movie, though poorly made, does have an endearing quality to it that peeks through all the zaniness. Through all the oddness, you can still sense a true "Christmas spirit" about it. Santa Claus Conquers The Martians combines a typical 50's-mid 60's B-movie obsession with UFOs with a typical TV Christmas movie feel. One of the things that sticks out about the movie for me was that it didn't portray the Martians as the usual "evil, murderous aliens" they usually were in B-movies of this time period (well, except for Voldar). Their desire to make their children happy is what leads them to kidnap Santa Claus. Santa seems more than willing to help out the Martians, even running the toy shop without complaining. All is well at the end for everybody- Santa and the earth children go home, the evil Voldar is humiliated and defeated, and Droppo is inaugurated as Mars' very own Santa Claus. Overall, a decidedly weird but ultimately enjoyable movie.
Ator 2: L'invincibile Orion (1983)
Aw man, I don't believe it- they were too cheap to hire villains!
When is this thing supposed to be taking place, anyway? It appears to be a Middle Ages movie, but then you have the cave dwellers, who are Neanderthal-type cavemen! Why did they name the mute Chinese guy "Thong"? Apparently the long, convoluted flashbacks at the beginning of the movie are a recap of the previous Ator movie and make more sense if you've seen that one. But seriously, who wants to watch another dog of a movie like this one? Like many other MST3K movies, this movie fails miserably on all the right levels, which adds up to great humor. Here's just a summary of the glaringly bad parts: Ator- a very muscular, yet not threatening hero, The Really Dull Old Guy- he's supposed to be the "wise old man", but he just comes across as half asleep, and last but not least That Evil John Saxon-Type Guy- supposed to be the bad guy who threatens everybody, but just comes across as ultra-femme. Need I say more?
Space Mutiny (1988)
Hey, the Lobster Boy was played by Guy Pringle...
Man, I'd hate to slam a stack of that guy! While the MST3K episode for this episode is a masterpiece, Space Mutiny is one of those rare bad movies that can be watched MST-free. Really, it'll give you a good laugh all on it's own, due to its absolute failure on all levels. Script, casting, acting, sets, continuity, you name it, this movie failed. What's up with the Snidely Whiplash-like Kalgon? The 45-year old "hot girl"? Captain Santa? Fist Rockbone? The dead woman that comes back to life? How is Kalgon really the bad guy, when all he really wants to do is land the freakin' ship and walk on some solid ground? Anybody got a clue? And what about Scarecrow's brain?
Soultaker (1990)
Ok, it wasn't great....
but it seemed to have more to it than most MST3K movies. It was very low budget and had some not very good actors (by the way, what is the criteria for who's an Estevez and who's a Sheen?). But the story was actually passable and they made the Soultaker have a "human" side, where he explains to the girl why soultakers have to do what they do. Don't get me wrong, most people will see this as a bad movie. But if you look past the really cheap, well, everything, it's watchable.
The Touch of Satan (1971)
Zaaa!
Wow....this film......has....a lot of.......pauses! Was William Shatner the dialogue coach or something? If this movie was any slower, watching it would actually send you back in time! This is pure seventies Grade Z-movie cheese. Take it from me- a movie that includes a Maverick, a walnut ranch, multiple uses of Amazing Grace, "This is where the fish lives!", "Zaaaa!", vomiting on a car, and an extended but unsexy nude scene is to be avoided. Movies like this should come with a Surgeon General's warning!
The Final Sacrifice (1990)
Oh baby, Rowsdower saves us and saves all the world....
Like Crow said, I didn't think this movie was as bad as the usual fare. Still, that isn't saying much for MST3K movies. The best movie shown on MST3K is still pretty lousy. Anyway, Troy and Rowsdower make an odd pairing to say the least. I get the feeling that in real life, a guy like Rowsdower would beat the crap out of Troy and steal his money for booze. The cult was not very threatening, especially after they couldn't catch Troy in a car! I don't know how that guy who was the cult leader could talk like that. As for Mike Pipper, the man who can only be described as 'grizzled'- I was so surprised that Mike and the bots would decide that he sounded like Yosemite Sam, when he clearly sounded more like a Jim Henson character, Rowlf to be exact. This film actually had a story and some action (weak though it was), but instead of ending, it just kind of stopped. Anybody who has only this film to judge Canada by would feel exactly as Servo did in his song.
Shark: Rosso nell'oceano (1984)
Is there a real reason why this movie was made?
This movie brings up many question that may plague generations to come. Such as: Did a seven year old edit this movie? What makes the electrician so appealing to two woman? Why did the ultra-skinny dolphin lady seem attractive to Electrician and Beer-Drinking Euro-Tantrum Guy? Why did the US Coast Guard agree to let their helicopters be used in this drek? At least in the MST3K version, we learned that Devil Fish comes with a side of Satanic string beans and Deep-Lucifered potatoes, and that you shouldn't make fun of Blowie the dolphin! If you see this movie anywhere, run! Far, far away!