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Reviews
Andròn: The Black Labyrinth (2015)
Probably the worst film I've seen.
I'd give it a big fat zero if that was possible.
I lasted half an hour before logging on to IMDb to see what other people were thinking, at which point I turned it off.
So call me stupid for reviewing a film, two thirds of which I haven't seen, but like any other form of entertainment, in my view if it hasn't got you in the first five minutes, then it hasn't got you at all.
The acting was wooden, the script terrible and the set, well, absolutely no expense was incurred.
The editing was terrible, the film dived into a dreary 'plot' with minimal explanation and it just went downhill from there on all fronts.
If you thought Maze Runner was tedious then you'll absolutely HATE this. I suspect Alec Baldwin grabbed his cheque and ran screaming for the hills.
If I were you I'd spend the time you would have wasted watching this film washing your hair or something. Trust me you won't be sorry, its an absolute turkey.
Jobs (2013)
Brilliant film - Kutchner is amazing.
I've read a lot of really crappy, ill-informed reviews of this film by people who clearly don't know the subject - you should ignore them.
Yes there are holes in the film; its a massive subject - a mans entire life and persona, and the history of the world's most valuable and innovative company, so that's to be expected, but in my opinion Ashton Kutchner absolutely nailed it - he was amazing and I found the film - despite my expectations to the contrary, absolutely riveting.
My advice to anyone who wants to watch this film and doesn't know much about the driven, tortured, flawed visionary that was Steve Jobs, is to first read Walter Isaacson's biography - its a fantastic book that tells Jobs' story without pulling any punches and will add immensely to your enjoyment of this film.
Les Misérables (2012)
Bad on an epic scale....
OK lets put this in context. I like a decent musical, whether mainstream or off the wall. I've enjoyed Rent (massively), The Fix, Miss Saigon, Nine and many others. However I don't do Lloyd-Webber. And now I don't do Schonberg/Boublil either.
This film is truly, hideously awful.
French TV is awash with programmes where earnest looking pseuds sit round a table for hour after endless hour, discussing the most arcane subject matter while an audience of bored people watch on, trying to look as if they are enjoying themselves. Well this film has that quality in spades. It drones on and on and on and on and on....relentlessly. I came out physically drained.
Its interesting to note that many of the good reviews this has received are from Les Mis nutjobs, who stalk the production like emotional hobbits. Ignore them, they are lying through their teeth.
"I cried all the way through"..."I cried in the car park"...are these the thoughts of a balanced grown-up I ask you?
I would say, though, that I suspect it makes an OK stage show. I've seen excerpts and it gets by, just. But there are probably only two OK tunes in the whole piece; the rest are the stage equivalent of a whistling milkman...that is to say, tuneless and unidentifiable.
Watching Crowe sing in this is worse than cringe-inducing; his voice is just awful. Jackman is far far worse. The girls get by vocally - just.
And thats the sad thing, because its a talented cast and the acting element of it is actually extremely good. Had it been a film of Victor Hugo's book it would have been absolutely outstanding..........but they tried to sing and it all went down the toilet. I firmly believe that, had they used proper singers instead of these am-dram luvvies, it might have stood a chance. It is, after all, supposed to be a musical, not a film with actors trying and failing to carry a tune (although I use that term in the loosest sense here).
You should go and see it, even if only to share my pain, but take a book to read because at nearly three hours, its two hours too long IMNVHO.
Immortals (2011)
What a turkey!
When it comes to hammy acting this film is up there with the best of them.
Insomniacs could do a lot worse than watching this after sitting through Prometheus - if that doesn't send you to sleep nothing will! Mickey Rourke is a terrific actor but seems to be settling for second-rate parts these days. He was OK in Iron Man II in the sort of tough-guy/baddie role he seems to have slipped into lately, but in this turkey he is really dragging the depths.
The IMDb entry itemises some real howlers when it comes to continuity and anachronisms, but for me it started early on with the Titans chewing on mouthfuls of what is clearly 20th century re-bar.....and later there was even a large eagle perch made out of welded lengths of the same material (not mentioned in the howlers actually)....just ridiculous - the props team want sacking.
And as for the gods on Mt Olympus - what terrible costume design - it looked more like the gay section in the Rio carnival frankly.
Altogether one to be avoided.
Rampart (2011)
Excellent film - Harrelson at his best.
I nearly didn't watch this film after reading a lot of reviews whining about camera work and crappy endings.
Well I'm glad I ignored them - it turned out to be a brilliant portrayal of a man on a steep, slippery slope to self-destruction, a man losing control.
So let me say right away, if, like many other reviewers, you can happily sit and watch and enjoy films like Avatar or Prometheus, yet are not prepared to suspend a modicum of disbelief just because of the odd failure to observe police procedure, or you like your films to have a tidy, obvious ending, then don't watch it. If, on the other hand, you are a thinker, a people watcher, who wants to get inside a characters head, this film is brilliant.
Harrelson is amazing and highly credible; the young lady who plays his elder daughter is also really good....so don't take any notice of the naysayers, just watch it, and prepare to plumb the depths of human despair.
The Grind (2012)
Pointless mockney pseudo-gangsterism
A truly tedious and pointless bit of mockney tripe.
I only give it 2 marks because of the 'gritty' camera-work, but thats about its only redeeming feature. Full of the usual "do-what-leave-it ahht" suspects who have been excellent in so many other Brit gangster movies, but sadly in this one, well, they didn't exactly lose the plot because there wasn't one frankly.
Add to that the massive suspension of disbelief; bloke robs supermarket with zero attempt to disguise himself. Gangster not only kills a bloke that owes him 'ten fairzan pairnd' (presumably in the hope that he has life insurance I suppose?) but does so with a crowbar in broad daylight.
The characters are poorly developed in most cases and their relationships to each other never properly explained. "I owe you, you know that" is never explained, nor is what "do-what" did with the ten grand.
All in all not recommended and a poor advert for a genre usually well populated with some quality films.
'Lock Stock' it ain't me old mush!
The Tree of Life (2011)
What the hell was this all about?
I wasted 45 minutes of my life watching the first part of this film before leaving. I tried, I really tried, but despite being visually stunning, its possibly the biggest load of tosh ever put on a cinema screen.
I can only assume that the people who have voted it up are either massively in love with Brad Pitt or have their heads jammed intellectually up their backsides, because its simply rubbish.....and I've watched some serious rubbish in my time but this is probably only the second time on 40-odd years that I've ever walked out of a cinema before the end.
Wait til its out on DVD, then borrow it from someone and thank god you didn't pay to see it.