Reviews

After all the hype I heard surrounding Antichrist, I finally decided to sit down and watch it. Wow. This has to be the most disturbing film I've seen since Human Centipede.

Granted, the cinematography was very good, but the overall movie is just atrocious! Starting off with a slo-mo sex scene which leaves little to the imagination, the film goes downhill from there. After their kid falls out of a window to his death, the couple head off to their cabin in the woods to grieve. What follows is copious amounts of dialogue mixed with some of the most cringe inducing scenes that anyone has ever witnessed.

There is no redeeming value to this film, and I am shocked at the awards it garnered. Some scenes were almost enough to make me want to turn the DVD off. Despite being broken up into "Chapters" - the film has no real flow. It felt like it was 20 minutes at a time of the two leads talking, followed by what in my opinion is torture porn that would be enough for most people to walk out of the film.

Some of the more nasty highlights would include:

• Sex scenes which include shots of full on penetration.

• A scene where Gainsbourg is lying naked in the forest masturbating, until Dafoe arrives on scene and starts to have sex with her while arms emerge from the tree stump they lie on.

• An especially nasty scene where she smashes his testicles with a log and then masturbates him until he ejaculates blood.

• The follow on to that bit where she drills a hole in his leg, sticks her finger in the wound and then bolts a weight to his leg.

• And who can forget the infamous scene near the end where she slides a pair of scissors into her vagina and removes her clitoris.

If this is considered art, then cinema is on a downhill slide. This film is not for the squeamish, and I cannot recommend the title to anyone. Avoid at all costs.

The only reason this flick deserves a 2 is because they improved in the CGI department. Other than that, this film was a total waste of time, money and theatre screens. Sure, every girl from 12-16 will go see this film like a gazillion times over, but that doesn't constitute the quality of the picture.

There is no chemistry at all between any of the characters, be it Bella and Edward or Bella and Jake. The plot just jumped around all over the place. As one review pointed out, it seemed like the director was just shooting random scenes that would get a squeal of delight from the teen girls and to hell with continuity.

The werewolves looked OK, but the insta-change they did was a slap in the face of werewolf lore. Considering they already blew it with the vampires (no - REAL vamps don't sparkle in sunlight!!) And was it me or do you not one time in the entire film see ANY vampire fangs? Ridiculous.

Anyways. 2 points for effects. Other than that - a total writeoff.

Just saw the final (hopefully) Pirates film and wow was it a mess. Clocking in at almost three hours, the film is even longer than the second installment and even more confusing when it comes to plot (or lack thereof)

I won't even try to explain what the hell happens - since it's such a jumbled mess that I don't think even the screenwriters knew what they were doing.

For the first hour or so it's a continual stream of characters back-stabbing each other while attempting to rescue Sparrow from Davy Jones Locker where he wound up after being killed by the Kraken in the second film.

Sparrow back-stabs his allies, Turner back-stabs his allies, Swann back-stabs people, there's a sub-plot about the voodoo witch being some sort of sea goddess in human form, something about Davy Jones and the sea goddess having a thing together - like I said - it's a mess.

The final big battle winds up being just two ships - the Pearl against the Dutchman. So much for this big pirate gathering they talk about in the ads.

To add insult to injury - the ending leaves it wide open for a fourth (god help us) with Elizabeth winding up being King of the Pirate clans or some such thing, Orlando is killed by Jones, then stabs Jones' heart - thus becoming the new captain of the Dutchman after his barnacled big daddy cuts out his heart and puts it in the dead man's chest. Not the ending I was expecting - much less the fact that shortly thereafter we're treated to a post-coital moment between Will and Elizabeth as Will ends his one day ashore every ten years thing. I couldn't help but think to myself "Necrophilia in a Disney flick?"

The film has more "endings" than Return of the King, and winds up with Barbosa and Sparrow both heading off to look for the Fountain of Youth....

As I sit here typing, trying to think back to any moments that I thought were good it is all a blur of noise and cannon fire. Can I recommend the film? Well - the SFX were good - but the film itself as other reviews have noted is a bloated, self-indulgent load of excess that will hopefully prove to be the nail in the proverbial coffin.

Unfortunately, this is not the summer of the sequel. So far, of the three sequels that have hit screens, none of them have matched a candle to their original counterparts. The film will still make probably a billion dollars, but that just serves as a sad indicator of how far down the drain Hollywood has gone and simply reinforces the fact that the American movie-going audience are a flock of sheep that will throw their money willingly at any film regardless of how poor it is. I give Pirates 3 3 stars for SFX and that's it. If you MUST see this film, wait for a cheap day or better yet, wait til December and rent it on DVD.

Long-time fan of the comics and fan of the first flicks. That being said - this was one of the worst films I have seen in ages. Brett Ratner should be ashamed of himself.

It is painfully obvious that Ratner never read X-Men, nor did the screenwriters successfully piece together any sort of cohesion to the story. Such utter disregard for the history and development of so many beloved characters is like a slap in the face to true X-Men fans.

With just way too many random story threads running throughout the film, the movie just winds up not knowing which way is up. Razzle Dazzle SFX does not a good film make, and killing off main characters or taking away their powers is a great way to destroy what was a great franchise.

HOW TO KILL A FRANCHISE 101

Cyclops: Phoenix kills him in the first 15 mins. His death is never seen. He dies like a punk. Totally inappropriate. Anyone who's read a comic would/should know this wouldn't work.

Xavier: Phoenix disintegrates him. WTF?

Jean: Ends up getting stabbed by Logan at the end (another huge no-no if you've read the comics)

Mystique, Magneto, Rogue all lose their powers. Pointless.

Not only are there too many story threads, but also too many characters. Angel - who figured prominently in the trailers is in the film for all of 3 minutes, as is Collossus. Shadowcat and Iceman's relationship is twisted since she looks all of 12 years old. And let's not even go there with Rogue whining about not being able to kiss Bobby (hence taking the cure) and Xavier being played as an arrogant SOB.

The sole saving grace in the entire film was Iceman vs Pyro. The rest of it was an illogical hash of SFX, written and directed by an uninspired, uneducated (when it comes to X-Men knowledge), and ham-fisted ability.

The only way this film could be good is if they had hired a different director, different writers, and added about 30 minutes to the proceedings. The film ends up imploding on itself and in the end making no sense whatsoever. A dismal and disappointing end to a great franchise. A true example of what could have been.

I was really looking forward to this movie. The trailers showed promise, but when I finally sat down to watch it I was let down big time.

Rob Cohen is known for doing schlock action flicks, but he also directed the great "Dragon: The Bruce Lee Story". Stealth is probably his worst film ever to date and he should retire and disappear after this one.

From a storyline thinner than one of the Olsen twins, to the casting, to the overabundance of CGI, this film just might fly onto DVD shelves quicker than the planes in the film fly.

The only real saving grace to this movie - and the main reason I wanted to see it - was Jamie Foxx. Just imagine my surprise when his character starts off as your stereotyped "black guy sidekick" and then winds up getting killed 30 minutes into the picture!

What we're left with is Josh Lucas and Jessica Biel to look at with some quasi love story mixed with the killer computer from 2001 and some utter re-hashes of old dialogue from better movies.

Let me list the things wrong with this film.

A) Despite the planes being stealth fighters, they do not at any time actually use stealth ability. The planes fly low enough that anyone could see them and only once is the fact that the "stealth ability" on the ship is damaged.

B) I don't know who the military adviser on this film was - there probably wasn't one - but I don't think fighter jets can do back flips while going 900mph...

C) The dialogue was either of a 9th grade English class level or "borrowed" from other (better) films. "I'm not leaving my wingman" was one such instance.

D) The camera guy drank too much coffee...There has to be a better way to get the audience into the action without just shaking the camera.

E) The film tries to suggest that collateral damage is containable to a 100% degree in combat. This - especially in this day and age - is an unforgivable oversight and a real slap in the face to people who have lost loved ones in real wars in the last few years.

F) The film attempts to sensationalize war - much like other films - but winds up making it feel like there's no consequence to an action.

G) Jamie Foxx was totally underused.

H) Biel bailing out of her plane would have been physically impossible. Despite the fact that she was upside down when she ejected, the g-force of a spin like that would pin her into the cockpit.

I) I'm no scientist - but when an object reaches terminal velocity, opening a parachute would have detached the top of the body from the bottom. When she hits the ground too, amazingly she has no injuries!?

J) The N Korean sniper with his hail mary shot that hits her from like 40 miles away in the shoulder ends up causing her to limp?

K) For not a second did I think any of the actors (Foxx included) could possibly be real fighter pilots - much less the elite stealth pilots!?

I could go on and on and on. Let's just say that if you MUST see this film, then try to get it on a 2 for 1 rental night in September when it hits DVD. Anyone who pays good money to see this crap needs their head seen to. Anyone who actually thinks this film is GOOD - well gee whiz - they're either 10 years old or as one reviewer said they would have just had a lobotomy.

If you want a good fighter pilot flick - rent Top Gun again.

MAJOR SPOILERS AHEAD SO READ AT YOUR OWN RISK

Still here? OK. Here we go. Just got back from the midnight screening of the film. The verdict? Go see it. Whether you like comic movies or not this film has a little bit of something for everyone. Starting with a montage during the credits of some Spidey 1 highlights, the film opens with our hero on the verge of unemployment due to his chores as Spidey, and being forced to deliver pizzas 42 blocks in NY traffic in 8 minutes or he's fired. Murphy's Law kicks in and his scooter breaks down, so Peter runs into an alley and quick changes into Spidey (toting the pizzas) and webslings his way to the delivery as spectators accuse him of robbing the pizza boy! Classic stuff....

MJ is now a big time actress and Harry has taken over Oscorp after Norman bit the dust in part 1. The story gets set up really well, and there's ample time (I found at times TOO much ample time) to "brief" the audience on the plot line that was about to unfold. Alfred Molina is very good as Doctor Octavius but not quite as good at Doc Ock if you follow....His "supervillain" persona is not quite up to scratch and the tentacles end up doing most of the acting - props to the pupeteers and CGI on those.

When Peter decides to quit being Spidey, the film tends to drag a little bit. The loss of his powers is never fully explained - although he is told by a doctor that it's all in his head - but the time he spends NOT being Spidey border on the absurd (case in point when Peter walks by an alley and sees some poor guy getting mugged and turns his back and strolls off!?)

Some scenes of Peter testing his abilities are hilarious however, including the elevator scene ("It gives me a wedgie" is NOT what he ACTUALLY says) and some frequent misfires with his web or losing adhesion that cracked me up....

The crux of the movie is the scene they showed in the teaser trailer of Peter and MJ almost getting smoked by that car...Suddenly following that, Peter gets his powers back and suits back up to battle Ock. The clock tower and train sequences are pretty much back to back, and Spidey gets his ass kicked by Ock. He ends up stopping the train with multiple webs stuck to every building he could hit....What bothered me the most with this scene was that as he is trying to stop the train, he pulls off his mask (!?!?!) Everyone in the subway car sees him (one reaction ... "He's just a kid!") and when Ock reappears they give him back his mask and try to defend him against Ock!?

The coup de grace of the movie is Harry finding out who's behind the mask. Yes, it IS Peter in the Spidey suit....He stands up and breaks the barb wire that Ock has him in and then demands that Harry tell him where Ock took MJ....This was one of the loose threads for me in the film....No doubt they plan to expand on this in part III...

Spidey finally defeats Ock (although we're never totally told if he IS dead or not) and in the process of his showdown with Ock, Spidey yanks off his mask once more, unaware that MJ is still watching.

So let's see here. Everyone on the subway car knows who he is. Harry knows. Ock knows. MJ knows. Weird eh? Anyhow.

All in all, I really liked it. As I mentioned there are numerous loose threads which will no doubt be dealt with in the upcoming part III. One piece of confusion on my part is how they plan to incorporate TWO more villains (Dr. Connors as we know becomes Lizard, and Harry, upon finding all Norman's Goblin toys at the end of this one becomes the second Green Goblin) Do I smell four movies? Let's just hope they don't mess with the cast though. Maguire and Dunst are signed for 3, but beyond that - if they start to change things up - we'll have another Batman franchise on our hands. Enjoy this series while it's at it's peak, and Spider-Man 2 nearly reaches that peak at many points throughout the film. An enjoyment to watch, a treat for the senses, and a perfect summertime movie!

After browsing through numerous reviews from guys who wouldn't know a great movie if it came up and slapped them (and from reading their reviews I am guessing their idea of a perfect movie would be Gator Bait III) I feel compelled to put my two cents worth in on this film. The 1996 Oscars were important, in that for the following two years, the Academy ignored what should have won Best Picture in 97 and 98 - so the win by The English Patient was proof that Hollywood at that point could still recognize great film making when they saw it.

The movie had some of the best music, cinematography, and acting with sublime direction by Minghella that brought out the true essence of what Ondjaate was trying to convey in the novel. For people to complain that the film was overly long is ludicrous. Clocking in at just under 2hrs 45, this film is shorter than Harry Potter 1, Dances with Wolves, Titanic, and others, and in the time allotted on screen, it manages to evoke an emotional reaction from its audience that most other movies of its genre strive to do, but ultimately fail.

The evolution of the character arcs, especially Almasy and Katherine is incredible *SPOILER WARNING* culminating in him finally admitting his love for her as he carries her to the caves *SPOILER OVER* That scene ALWAYS makes me cry for some reason....Probably the sheer tragedy of the situation wherein they both know there is no future for them, but that the emotion and affection they both subconsciously knew was there was finally realized.

Overall, a brilliant piece of film, and a movie that should be on any true movie lover's DVD shelf. Of course, if you're in the minority of the people on this board who don't like "Chick Flicks" or "Long and boring movies" then you should probably avoid this. If you, like myself, enjoy a masterfully directed piece of cinema that doesn't rely on heavy CGI, explosions, gunfire, foul language and frat parties, then if you haven't had a chance to see The English Patient, I would recommend renting a copy of the newly released Collector's Edition DVD and see what all the fuss is about.