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Poker Face (2023)
What is this? It's not Columbo. Not it's just rubbish
Ok so let's get this out of the way, straight off the bat. This is not even close to what Columbo was. Using the same font and set up does not maketh the same.
What we have here is a detective show without a detective. So no one can be arrested, no one has legal authority, so if you are looking for a police procedural, this is not it
What we have is a kind of re-has of 'Lie to Me', but instead of the premise being exaplined that the protagonist has done extensive research and therefore can put weight behind his 'skills', we have some sort of mystical nonesense about someone who can read cards and lies just by 'feeling' it. No no no this will not do in 2023, it will not do.
What we have here is a lack luster heroine that spends most of the time looking at her phone and pulling things out of her rear end and us expecting to accept this. What a load of tosh.
We also have, certainly in the first episode, someone who spends all theri time looking at their phone, yet who doesn't know (not do the writers) that an iPad locks after six incorrect tries. Not to mention that the device would also be in police evidence. Therefore the whole first episode falls apart
Columbo never did try to hide the fact that a lot of the evidence was based on circumstantial evidence. But is is not based on utter nonesense
I can only imagine the Rian Johnson fanboys have just shed their load over this without for and instant taking in the facts.
So at the end of the first episode, she goes on the run, wounded, no money, running from some shadowy mafia types. Will they not just find her immediately when she finds a new phone and starts again staring endlessly into it?
Rubbish of the higher order, get a collection of Columbo from eBay, it's better, has better twists and endings. Than this woefully awful effort.
Grimsby (2016)
What?!
I'm sorry but comedies are supposed to be funny, have wit and humour. Or have a clever concept or slapstick where the are is in absurdity.
This has neither and just tries to double down on genetalia and disgusting concepts.
This is really a comedy for the type of pieple being parodied in this so called comedy.
Maybe I should have expected better from people like Sacha Baron Cohen, who seems to have made some sort of career out of making none comedies that seem to be more offensive than actual well written, well acted comedies that have thought and vision put behind them
I'm just sorry for Mark Strong who is much better than this abortion of a film.
Rebel Wilson is really expected in this sort of trash.
Jackass Forever (2022)
Really!!
Didn't this lack luster, third rate, idiotic, half witted, car crash, imbecilic, simpering pile of tosh get old 20years ago?
I mean it's not even a film, it's not even entertainment, it seems to be the kind of humour that people who watch Love Island find appealing.
Lost After Dark (2015)
Meh
Pros: Robert Patrick is getting work
Cons: unoriginal, so dark you can't see most of it, generic, can't decide if it's meta, trying to be 80s with zero charm, cannot care about the characters, generic stereotypes, music is bad.
Vampires vs. the Bronx (2020)
Disappointing no horror, horror movie
As some who feels the need to watch every vampire movie created. This is a long way from being good.
Is it a horror movie? there is no horror.
Is this a kids movie? Not enough to hold their attention.
Is this a thriller? Not enough of a thrilling nature.
There seems to be a lot of unwarranted 10 and 1 in these reviews. Which I feel doesn't balance out this movie. Plainly it is a boring hum drum affair.
I take issue with comparisons here, mentions of:
The Lost Boys(TLB) No this is not fit to lace the boots of TLB, no style, no decent music, none of the flair. Vampire Vs The Bronx(VVTB) is at best a late in the series TLB movie, where all of the decent story has been trimmed out.
Attack The Block (ATB). I can see some comparison, but it even lacks some of the tension of that movie.
The Monster Squad (TMS) No no no at least TMS had some identifying qualities and appeal to it. VVTB has none of this.
This isn't even as good as some of those really ropey, so bad it's good vampire movies like for example Vamp.
I'm surprised at Netflix pouring money into this slop with its unoriginal, see it coming from mile away, mundane drivel.
Not enough jokes to be funnt, not enough horroe to be scary, not enough style to stick in anyone's memory.
Do not bother unless you have seen everything else on Netflix
Charlie's Angels (2019)
What is this for?
So, let me introduce my review with a question.
If you have produced a film, where the sole output was worse than the performance of Lucy Liu in the first film series made in modern times, what was the purpose of making said film?
Let's go through a check of key elements:
1 Lead protagonists: I got 25 minutes into the film, not really knowing who was who, what there name was and why I should care about them. Any one of them was interchangeable, with the occasional burst of "oooo I'm rebellious" to try and make you believe ah that's the rebellious one. Pathetic.
2 Action: after all this is an 'action' film, is it not. The pace of which was very very pedestrian, nothing really good and/or above competent.
3 Music: dear god the music was awful, what was that bilge. Nothing that was memorable or fitted the film or action. In fact it seems that music was, I'm going to say produced, but probably mean vonited and just jammed in there to pay some moxy.
4 Antagonists: please could I have a decent villain please, one you can remember. This one wasn't overt, wasn't underplayed, just boring.
5 Story: that's what we are here for, a good story with twists and turns, thrills and spills. Not something a monkey had produced from its rectum and daubbed on the page, like a smear across all that is good in creativity.
6 Camera Work/Interesting shots: looking like it had been filmed in a very very work-a-day fashion by some kind of listless scarecrow who may have filmed it on there iPhone.
7 CGI work: from the get go at the retirement of Patrick Stewart's character (Dear god sir, why are you consigned to this twaddle) even the pictures he had been added into looked like someone's nephew could have done a better job with paint in 1999.
So with all these poibts considered, what do we have left. Let's see, there is some light and some noise for 2hrs. So it may keep some poor soul company, for that time.
But as a film, that is for the entertainment of human beings, not hamsters, not badgers, not meer cats. It is wretched.
If I were you I would, and I shudder to say this. Dig out the first Barrymore, Diaz and yes Liu (the talentless flesh bag she is) and re watch that. I mean even the bits where Matt LeBlanc is being his Joey character grimmly trying to grip hold of some remaining career, were better than this .....I'm going to say effort, but I feel I may mean hideous pile of mixed diseased animal faeces.
Men in Black: International (2019)
Very very tired
There doesn't need to be a long rambling review of this, the review should echo the content of the film.
No doubt a lot of money has been spent both on effects and acting talent here, things are shiny and flash.
But it is this 'fur coat, no knickers' approach, money has been spent, but it cannot create a silk purse from a sows ear. The story is tired, if you can't spot the twist from a mile off, I would be surprised. Everything just feels like it's going through the motions. Chris Hemsworth at times looks bored,. But hey it probably pays the bills.
Can we agree to let franchises die, the third MIB film was getting a little stale, now later down the line it's not just stale anymore, it's turned.
Billionaire Boy (2016)
Don't bother.
You see the 1994 movie, Ritchie Rich, well imagine that but without a budget, without stars, without humour and you will be near to 'Billionaire Boy's. With a real TV budget, predictable plot and no real property story. I mean in places, the dialogue and logic of the 'film' make no sense, not even enough for a five year old.
Shame (2011)
No No No
This was my first Steve McQueen film and my last.
Pretentious to a fault.
Nothing much really happens and seem just to follow what is a average week for Mr Fassbender. There isn't even a large amount of sex.
It lacks any real purpose, even at the end when his sister tries to commit suicide, it would have been far more poignant to have her jump in front of the train he is on.
At the end of it all, you are left with a disappointed feeling of 'oh is that it' then a wonder as to how positive reviews are written.
What a crushingly rubbish piece of crap.
Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines (2003)
Amazing- Spoiler alert (kinda)
I think a lot have people have put this movie down due to large salaries and political campaings etc. However the story itself is very good with a depressing twist, forget the two specuial effects layden terminators knocking the tar out of each other and look at the eventual fall of the human race to the machines.
If James Cameron had directed this it would have been a classic, the likes of T2. The bad point are from the beginning you dont get the feel that this is a terminator movie , no heavy intro etc. It a bit like a bond film without the trademark gun-barrel beginning. I can understand how a new director would like to bring his own twists but this is difficult in a medium such as terminator. I say thumbs up and also i say , lets see a conclusion , a "domination of the machines" that brings the whole thing in a full loop back to the first film.