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Reviews
M3GAN (2022)
Nothing likable in it
The 3 in M3GAN is to try to trick you to give it at least a 3/10 rating.
Not one likable character in the cast. I think they only good characters were the parents at the beginning because they died. Every single character in the movie is just a terrible and/or an annoying person. The plot that barely holds together, if you even spend a second thinking about it, you realize how stupid it is. For one how could a toy company build essentially the Terminator and sell them at $10,000. The thing is super strong and damn near indestructible, but it's supposed to be a toy for kids. Plus it can control all kinds you like computers and lights and everything. Plus it sings and dances. It is just a terrible terrible movie. Go paint a wall and watch it dry much more entertaining much more entertaining.
Conquest (1983)
4 stars is being very generous
It's like he filmed a 12-year-old's Dungeons and Dragons campaign through a dirty lens. Plenty of interesting wandering monster encounters, magic bow, a topless evil witch, plenty of gore. That all sounds good but the film is so murky and at times hard to see, dark cave scenes plus horrible film stock is just terrible. Add some fig and Vaseline to the lens at times really lowers the visibility. The creatures are cool, the dogmen look good, the weird Lovecraftian fish people look good from afar. The plot...well...they fight monsters and a topless sun god witch. There's cartoon arrows, beheadings, a split woman, lingering oozing blood and pus shots. Slow flapping bats from the old Hammer dracula set. It's kind of entertaining but to be honest I found myself playing on my phone by the end and then credits rolled. So I had to rewind and see what happened. Nothing really makes sense, and as some reviewers say "you don't understand it" no, it's just not well done. There are some interesting and good scenes but as a whole it's a mess. Writing, pacing, filming were terrible. What is supposed to be an exciting battle near the end is a black cave with a lot of screeching and growling with blue flashes of a face and hands, I think followed by fake bats on strings. The music isn't any help to the movie. Typical repetitive bad Italian horror music. The whole budget was apparently spent on some of the most realistic severed human heads in 80's cinema. One being the main hero who dies off screen. And then cremated in a long up close scene with the bad horror music and voice overs as we see the fake body slowly burn. Complete with close ups of the burning knee cap for some reason. I'm pretty sure a lot of cocaine was used in the production of this movie. It might be better if you could actually see some of the scenes without hurting your eyes.
Zen: Grogu and Dust Bunnies (2022)
3 minutes of my life lost
Then another 3 minutes complaining about that here. I'm doing it for you. Seriously, what was that? This thing that looks like a combination of Dumbo the elephant and Grogu floats and walks around (all the while the coffee stained background doesn't move which is even more annoying) and these hairballs or bugs fly around too and then give him a flower. All set to weird masseuse type music. That is it, I don't know how I can stretch this review any longer, because that literally is all this is. I've put more thought and effort into this review than the animation studio spent on this animation. I think they threw it together while on the toilet....oh no, I bet that means the background ISN'T coffee stains!!!
La nuit a dévoré le monde (2018)
A much more boring version of better movies
This is an extremely derivative and boring movie. There is not much tension, or drama or anything really frightening or tense. A Guy goes to a party and wakes up in the zombie apocalypse. Then he does a lot of nothing. It's like a bad version of Last Man on Earth, 28 Days Later, the pilot episode of the Walking dead, and so many others, but a LOT extremely boring versions of those. It only offer two unique things to the genre, it's set in Paris and the zombies don't groan, moan or make any vocalizations. It starts out alright, but then literally goes no where. It's not very entertaining, not fun at all, and the worst for a horror movie, adds very minimal, if any, frightening or tense scenes. It's pretty impossible to add any spoilers, because practically nothing happens through the course of the movie.
They/Them (2022)
Way more than 7 degrees of separation from any of Kevin Bacon's good movies
This is just a horrible movie. There's a random killing at the beginning which makes you think, this may be good...and you don't see the killer again for another 48 minutes. It just becomes a bad drama. No horror, the only tension was the "shoot the dog" scene. The killer had a cool mask, but overall a pretty generic look. Just a bad story. The dramatic climax is ridiculous. Who puts a rhino head on a wall with the horn 4 ft off the floor, the perfect height to impale Kevin Bacon's career on! Anna Chlumsky deserves to get stung by bees again. The characters are all gay stereotypes, they make sure to click every box. It's like they had a checklist in the bath room, I mean writing room, well in this case they are one and the same. The amazing thing is that this crapfest is written (& directed) by the guy that wrote Skyfall, Gladiator, The Aviator, Sweeney Todd, Any Given Sunday and other great films. I mean there is even a group musical sequence. Just what people want in a horror movie. Less hatchet killer and more singing! The best thing about this movie is that it's so bad there shouldn't be any sequels. It had promise then ended up like bad diarrhea.
Guillermo del Toro's Cabinet of Curiosities: The Outside (2022)
Huge drop in quality
I was so impressed up to this episode. The first episode was pretty good. The second two were great. This one was just horrible. It wasn't scary, frightening, funny, or even entertaining.
It was the typical ugly duckling story told in a terrible way. Didn't make much sense either. Apparently some cream takes about 45 minutes of the episode to just give her skin rash and then at the end she meets a blob person made up of the cream and becomes pretty, after killing her husband for no real reason. It was just all over the boards. It made no sense at all. I don't understand how this was included in a great series but I guess every series needs its clunker and this was it hopefully for the series. It was painful to sit through I highly recommend skipping it.
Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2022)
Better than Halloween Kills
...but that is not saying much. Annoying characters you are glad to see get killed, people doing things that make no sense, ridiculous setup. At just under 1h14m (not counting over 9 minutes of credits) it seemed to drag along. Definitely would have tanked at the box office.
Star Wars: Visions (2021)
Anime w/ occasional SW references
If you like anime, you'll like it. If you like Star Wars you probably won't. It's so loosely Star Wars related at all. It could be any franchise just change a gun for a blaster, a sword for a lightsaber, background characters as Star Wars aliens. Of the 3.5 I could sit through 2 we're about local thugs repurposing imperial/separatist equipment to attack villagers when a Mysterious Stranger is revealed to be a Jedi!
The 2nd while pretty stupid was the most Star Warsy.
Dull waste of time.
Masters of the Universe: Revelation (2021)
More bad than good
He-man says it best to Skeletor near the end "This is not about us!" Which is so true and it's biggest failing.
There are some good things and plenty bad. Lots of talent in the voice realm but not in the writing. Very long & drawn out plus the plenty mentioned "girl power" aspect. Way too much focus on Tesla, Sorceress & the new girl. People want to watch this for He-man & Skeletor. It's like if they made a Strawberry Shortcake series that focuses on Huckleberry most of the time.
It was drawn out and got too talky, not in a fun Kevin Smith way but an "I'll check my phone until something gets interesting" way.
Poltergeist (2015)
Horrible remake
They took the script of the original and removed all the heart, wonder, creepiness & fear from a bona fide classic and made a souless, dull boring movie. It seriously took some effort to make it so unenjoyable and forgetful.
Dune (2021)
Cute for insomnia.
It looks pretty but good lord is it boring. It seems to never end, then doesn't really even have an ending when the credits roll.
Aquaman is flyinging in his thopter and what should be an exciting scene is brought down by slow paced music you'd hear at a massage therapist office. Everything in this movie crawls at a snails pace. It makes the 2.5 hour runtime seem like an eternity.
If the pacing were any slower, this movie would run backwards.
But it had some pretty looking scenes. But for some reason the worms look like sphincters.
No Time to Die (2021)
No Time to Write...
No time to write a decent send off.
From the terrible theme song to the plot that didn't make much sense to a James Bond that pretty much says "well I can't kiss my family I didn't know I had 5 minutes ago, so I'm just going to give up", This movie was atrocious.
The plot was something like a Q conspiracy theory with nanobots in a virus that somehow can wipe out races....well at first it could just kill a certain person, then it somehow can kill entire family lines then races at another point. I don't know, it simply made no sense. Freddie Mercury has his magic water with light poles in it that if you have a hazmat suit on and a broom you're fine but if you fall in it you burn up like you're an acid, again made no sense. Unless you're a star. I'm pretty sure at an earlier point in the movie there was a couple sweepers and hazmat suits in the above ground pool, yeah later on in the most boring "Bond versus Villain" confrontation ever and they're both flopping around in the magic water. It just...it was just bad. I couldn't even tell you what Freddie Mercury's name was in the movie or why he had a baby face mask in the beginning. Why he's saved the girl after shooting at her through the ice and then what did he do with her. Basically a revenge movie about him wanting revenge on her dad that Blofeld was involved with somehow and Bond was just.... I don't know how he fits into the whole thing, I don't think the writers knew either. It was just a sad hot mess. I rank this below Octopussy, Never say never again (The unofficial James Bond movie with Sean Connery and Kim basinger), Woody Allen's Casino Royale and even below that James Bond Junior cartoon. And of course it wouldn't be the 2020s without replacing the old white guy with a black woman because, well, just because that's the thing to do nowadays. And she wasn't even an interesting, likable or really even needed character in the story.
Thankfully I got a bunch of good James Bond movies on Blu-ray & DVD. I don't think I'll ever want to revisit this mess again. 2 hours and 40 minutes I'll never get back. The only good parts were The Italian car chase, Cuba and Felix Leiter.
The Banana Splits Movie (2019)
A painful embarrassment
Wow. What could have been a good fun campy cult classic horror movie was instead a stinking pile of elephant poo. I can't decide what is the most incompetent thing about the movie: the terrible writing, horrible direction or the wooden acting.
There are a couple good gore scenes, the mom and the little girl Zoe were good, but the rest of the actors were as robotic as the robots.
The story was so contrived and just unenjoyable. There was no scary scenes or tense moments. It was just... extremely dull. Them I saw the writers were writing SYFYs Day of the Dead series which I was looking forward to until I saw they had the same writers.
These writers & directors should stick to writing and directing used car advertisements on local late night television. Although they would probably ruin those too.
One star for decent gore and one star for getting the theme song stuck in my head.
Monster Hunter (2020)
Well, there are monsters.
I'd give it a 5 or higher if the first half didn't drag on so much and then finish with a rushed incomplete ending. A movie should tell a story, not part of one.
They never really hunt monsters either, the monsters seem to always be hunting them.
I Was a Teenage Zombie (1987)
Takes place in a crappy suburb of Tromaville
This is hard to sit through. There is not one good thing I can say about it. It makes Lloyd Kaufman (who does get a shout-out) look like Spielberg.
An hour in it and there's no teenage zombie yet.
No plot, no acting, no script. Nothing but time I'll never get back.
The Crater Lake Monster (1977)
Perfect late night schlock
It's not an Oscar winner but it wasn't terrible. It was a good late night 70's creature feature. The stop motion work for the creature was very well done. The plot is thin, the deaths aren't very gory, there's bad cheesy comedy with a redneck couple of boat rental guys. The acting is not the best but all this combined with a decent monster makes it all the more enjoyable.
Malignant (2021)
Hilariously bad when it's not boring
Wow. This was a hot mess. I actually laughed out loud quite a few times when I wasn't supposed to laugh and also at a couple good lines by the Wanda Sykes stunt double.
It would have been a fun grind house type of movie if it was played less serious and less boring. A Basket case 70s type of horror movie is what I could see it being in less pretentious hands.
Very hard to sit through...I stopped it 2x to do other things. The "Big Bad Reveal" made me laugh. The little skinny arms on the thing flailing around. The silicone face mask bouncing around on the back of the stunt actors head was also hilarious. No idea how it had magic electric powers. One of the funniest lines was "we can't remove it without killing her so we'll cram it back into her skull." Yea. There's so much extra room in there, maybe if that character was as brainless as the writer...
Watch at your own risk. The risk of falling asleep during the first three quarters. Then the final quarter that really needed The Benny Hill theme. Especially in the holding cell.
I can't believe they've pushed the opening of this crap fest twice & over a year. It should have went direct to video last year.
Family Possessions (2016)
Purposely retro?
I think it had an 80s TV movie or "Tales from the Darkside" vibe. The look, the acting, the effects. It wasn't great but it held my interest.
Slow burn and would have benefited from some editing.
Gojira shingyura pointo (2021)
Terrible
This was one of the worst things I ever watched. This makes Matthew Broderick's Godzilla look like Citizen Kane. This is the Godzilla equivalent to the Star Wars Holiday special. The 3D animated Kaiju are cool. That's the only good thing I can say about it.
One could probably have a case for false advertising for using Godzilla in the title. 1) He's barely in it. 2) It looks nothing like Godzilla aside from the theme (comically over played whenever he does his brief cameo scenes) he has a mouth like the Joker (maybe the Red dust is Smylex Gas?) He has a hilariously long tail about 3-4x his length.
It's basically an extremely pitiful boring convoluted Jet Jaguar (in head only) story. Giant robot with the most annoying voice ever. We'll not ever....because it gets worse.
There must have been a lot of magic mushrooms taken in production meeting. And more from Netflix to buy it.
Hopefully bthe makers of this will end up making Japanese McDonald commercials. It's actual name is "Whiney Jet Jaguar: Singular Poo", because it's a heaping pile of it.
Army of the Dead (2021)
It just gets worse and worse....
An overly long joyless cliché and stereotype filled, illogical mess. All of Zack's work must have went toward the amazing Justice League, because this is just horrible. It starts out promising and amazingly the further it goes on the worse and more idiotic it gets....and it's a long movie.
At one point a "zombie" apparently scales down a building rooftop, finds his zombie horse, rides across town and beats a helicopter to the other building.
You've hope it ended with the Cranberries "Zombie as a cherry on top of the cliched pie, BUT...it continues on and ends with yet another with a cliché.
The one that survived the zombies will die by radiation and/or cancer in a few years.
Yes everyone pretty much dies. No closure, no resolution, just a threat of a sequel...
I like pretty much everything Zack has done until now. This was a huge steaming pile.
The Outsider (2020)
Like many Stephen King novels...
Starts out great, drags you in....then drags on and on and is ultimately a disappointing ending.
The last episode was extremely tedious and seemed never ending.
Drawn out sniper shoot out just to thin the cast. Silly cave collapse. Then going on and on and on.
The biggest disappointment was no reveal of the creature's actual true form, like was teased with images when Holly was investigating El Cuco.
As I am writing this, the last episode is still going on....thelast Lord of the Rings had fewer drawn out endings.
The Dead Don't Die (2019)
Putting the Z-Z-Z's in Zombie
Incredibly boring, makes no sense (WTF is up with Tilda Swinton's character???) and plods along like the zombies do when they eventually show up. Great actors with not much to work with. There is a seed of what could have been a good fun movie, instead it's a rotted husk of a film looking for brains.
The Rezort (2015)
Zombore
Nothing great. Interesting premise like many said: Jurassic Park with Zombies but low in gore and the zombie effects weren't great. Characters either not interesting or dull. Full of cliches and extremely predictable. It was actually pretty boring. Something I'd except from SyFy channel at 1am.