Change Your Image
Finewine58
Reviews
Hellborn (2003)
Some really bad "horror"
I've seen some very terrible horror movies in my time, and while this isn't the worst of the bunch, it's certainly in the lower half. The script starts off OK. A young doctor goes to a hospital as an intern, hoping it will vault him to a better job for him and his future wife. Cute huh? The movie then heads straight into the toilet when you realize that something is killing patients. Turns out that there's a demon on the basement that's harvesting people's souls. It's the job of the 1 doctor, 1 nurse, and 1 security guard in the entire hospital staff to drag this mental patient downstairs, do a ritual that pretty much just involves cutting the tongue out, and then allowing the haunted house prop of a demon to come out and steal his soul through the magic of cheesy special effects. At this point the movie gets so ridiculously stupid, I was begging for it to be over. There was still an hour to go. It looked like a half an hour "Tales From the Crypt" episode that somehow got stretched into an hour and a half crap-fest. From Tiny Lister doing his best John Coffey (The Green Mile) impersonation to Tracy Scoggins playing the stereotypical frigid Nurse Ratchet, this movie fails in every possible level. I gave this 2 stars for only TWO reason. 1) His fiancé is pretty hot, she eased the pain a little towards the end and 2) The movie actually looks OK, a lot better than the current trend of horror movies being made with wal-mart quality home cameras.
In the end, avoid this turd even if you have the Blockbuster movie pass (which I do, and I still felt cheated). As a bonus drinking game, you and your buddies take a shot every time Matt Stasi (Dr. James Bishop) shakes his head while talking. You'll be drunk 15 minutes into the movie.
The Wickeds (2005)
Dumb Dumb DUMB horror *SPOILERS*
I've seen a lot of really dumb horror movies in my day, but this has got to be one of the worst EVER. Let me start by saying that I'm not going to harp on the acting or quality...it's what you would expect from a very low budget horror movie. The cast does a good enough job and the zombies look pretty good. My only problem with it (which ruins the whole movie for me) is the incredible idiocy of the movie. Let's go down the list:
1) Zombies are popping up out of their graves, yet some are dressed in tie-dye and one even in little league uniform. I don't know about you, but last time I saw someone get buried, they wore real clothing, not baseball uniforms. 2) All those zombies and not a single hole in front of a grave? Whats up with that?? 3) The grave diggers decide to run away from the zombies instead of getting in their truck and driving off? HUH? 4) Speaking of trucks, how is it easier to run to the cemetery after a truck that you don't have keys for, when you have you OWN vehicle parked 10 feet in front of the house? All you have to do is find the kid with the keys! Once again, HUH? 5) One second its a zombie movie, the next there's ghosts? Make up your mind! 6) The zombie in the attic in the coffin...come on, did that magically appear or what?
OK, I'm done ranting now. I just watched this movie and couldn't wait for it to end cause it was so bad. Despite the hot chicks in it and good looking zombies, the movie is lame city.
Ghosts of Mars (2001)
Off the mark sci-fi mumbo jumbo
one word best describes this movie: ill-fated. from the moment it starts and you see pam grier, you know its going to suck. those suspicions are confirmed within the next 10 minutes. the story being told through flashbacks by natasha henstridge (spelling? chick from species from now on) which immediately destroys any suspence about her dying. add to that the typical urban one-lining black male (portrayed horribly by ice cube), the horny tough guy (jason statham in a role he shouldve never taken), and the idiotic rookies that ruin everything for no reason. everything is cliched, pointless and has been done before and much better by many other films, even by the john carpenter himself. if youve seen "the thing", watch it again instead of subjecting yourself to this dribble.