Reviews

Rating: Ten stars to the support crew: sound, photography, costumes, music, make-up, special effects etc. Minus 6 stars to the people in charge: producers, writers and directors who made a real Amlet of this.

Review: Dear Rest of Us Grown-Ups, once I realized, a few hours into this week-long saga (it felt like a week), that it was secretly intended as a spoof of the Vikings show, I started enjoying it.

I'm singling out Alex Skarsgard for his confusing wolf and fox impersonations, which sounded a bit like my neighbor on tax day. The former Scandinavian vampire and blonde lord of the jungle now puts his impressive six-pack in the service of a malodorous, genocidal and cognitively challenged prince who seeks revenge on his evil uncle, but feels he needs to practice on a great many defenseless Russian peasants. He rages, chops, howls, digs through a lot of thatch, battles mummies on old-time LSD, howls some more, chops some more. The joke gets old, but it's still funny.

Then there's Nicole Kidman, who loses her witchy marbles and goes deviously incestuous on her vengeful son in a scene whose unfortunate lighting reveals that she has undergone more cosmetic surgery than the entire Kardashian clan.

Let's not forget Anya Taylor-Joy who, we learn, has the power to command the Wind and the Earth, and can fling menstrual blood by the bucket, but can't escape a handful of drunk Icelandic slavers. This echoes the performance of Bjork, who plays a Russian fortune teller who apprises young Omelet of his not-so-cryptic fate with remarkable accuracy, while failing to predict that he would come to raze her village and put her eyes out.

There were also Abbott and Costello-worthy shamanic scenes, Freya riding her white-maned horse after visiting her Valhalla dentist, the worst magic mushroom trip ever, and a battle to the death that comes none too soon and frees us at last from the Northman's antics.

The cherry on the pickled herring was the smorgasbord of accents that were meant to convey, through tortured English, the variety of tribes and settings. In closing, the Northman is mercifully freed from his English lines, and gets to imprecate in full-on old Scand with subtitles. Alas what he gets to say is about as memorable as my latest grocery list.

I don't like Mel Gibson much, but at least when he did Apocalypto, he had the balls to do it in some recreated version of ancient Meso-American.

Maybe I'll watch The Northman again for the laughs when I'm less irritated. Or maybe not.

In this nine-hundredth installment of the same old story there's a man in a heavy cape trying very hard to keep it from flapping around when he's running and fighting. My advice: lose the cape.

There's also a young lady with very long nails and severe anorexia who weighs eighty-three pounds with her designer boots on and somehow manages to take down men three times her size - but can't shoot her deadbeat dad in a barrel. My advice: eat properly and take your vitamins.

If that weren't enough, we are treated to a scarred mobster who gives the man in the cape a Spanish lesson.

If this had been billed as an absurdist comedy, I think I would have enjoyed it more. Instead, this travesty of a movie takes itself so seriously it pops a temple vein or two. I was literally fuming at the 120-minute mark, and there was almost another hour to go.

I have a tax proposal for Hollywood: every time a new Batman or Spiderman movie is made, half the proceeds should go towards funding indie movies with actual scripts.

Not inspired by a video game, nor is it a tired spinoff in a tired franchise - fresh sci-fi for the thinking person who also likes high adventure. Who knew that was still possible in Hollywood? Marvelous performances by everyone on cast, pleasing cinematography, riveting plot and editing, intriguing CGI that serves rather than fuels the story, even funny at times, what's there not to like?

Oh wait, it's "woke". Or so we are told by dozens of reviewers. I literally scrutinized the show for inappropriate wokeness, ready to cringe at the very first opportunity. But no.

Could this be because the show implies we are destroying ourselves as a civilization? That's such a reach given what's going on, right? Or because the main characters are ... gasp ... black? That was so unheard of in 1950. I will concede that they don't look like David Bowie, who starred in the original movie the show is very loosely based on. If that sort of departure disappoints then skip this show.

If you like anything intelligent at all, then by all means watch it. You'll love it, as I did. Looking forward to a rocking season.

There's a heartbreaking moment in Stop, Zemlia! (a game that goes a bit like Pin a Tail) when most of the movie's teenage protagonists go to a gun-shooting demo put on by the Army. It's as if they were preparing for what's happening to them now, and getting their high-schoolers ready for combat. While the movie is not about the fate of the Ukraine, it makes watching this tale of angst-ridden adolescence all the more poignant. Turns out Ukrainian kids have the same problems ours do: cutting, depression, drugs, bullying, too much phone time, ADD; but in Kateryna Gornostai's superbly deft, loving portrait of her subjects, they do so with endearing, eloquence, and even a stoic, humorous charm you won't be able to resist. This is not a Marvel caper, so don't expect pace, or even plot. This is a tender slice of teenage life, reminiscent perhaps of Richard Linklater's "Boyhood", and in its more documentary moments, of Mike Mills's C'mon C'mon. You need to be patient, open, and willing to risk discomfort to watch this movie, the way you might be with your at-home teen. The rewards will be abundant. An uplifting and deeply affecting debut.

This well-acted, well-directed, and well-scripted romp through the minefield of blended families and mildly kinky sex will have you smiling and feeling good for ... 90 minutes. You heard me: not three hours, not two hours, but 90 concise minutes. Unlike all that caped tripe where the world is being saved from one idiotic peril after another, this indie film gets to the point and is made for ... gasp ... grown-ups. The one-star reviews were clearly produced by people who were having a hemorrhoidal flare-up that day, and the ten-star people were involved in the making of; the truth is north of five stars, though. They/them/us is a perfectly safe, modern take on the family that will entertain any adult of any persuasion, and may even delight their teenage kids. A solid seven.

Watch it with said ice-cream and you should have a perfectly mediocre night, which is what we seem to aspire to as a nation. Or you could watch a Jane Campion movie instead and actually give your brain cells and heart a workout. Up to you.

The best feel-good post-apocalyptic movie this year by a long measure. Performances are excellent, story is engrossing, humor abounds and cinematography - from luscious shots to sound engineering to creature effects, is simply superb. Great fun for the family. If you're overdosing on heroes in tights doing nonsensical things at the four corners of the Universe, watch this as an antidote, and let's all band together to request a sequel: more love, and lots more monsters.

There were a few (very few) laughs; a few (very few) twists; and so many platitudes delivered by otherwise excellent actors that you felt ripped off after you were done watching what was essentially a paid paean to Royal Caribbean (good luck with that in these days of COVID). Turns out this movie is the perfect vaccine against cruises, because most of the featured activities looked like absolute torture or a pit of abject mediocrity. I won't say a word about the script, it would be embarrassing, even to me. That said, as the great Emile Zola said, roses can grow even on piles of manure, and it holds true in this case: on the pretty decent soundtrack there is an extraordinary gem, Pete Townshend's cover of Save it For Later, which I can't stop listening to. It has a happy/sad, manic energy to it that is hard to comprehend and brings a ray of greatness to this forgettable flick. So thanks for that.

From the very first seconds of this successful short, you're drawn in by the tone, the acting and the surprisingly substantial production values. The movie feels like a proof of concept, and although the Middle Ages setting is a mind-boggling departure from the Fox series, it works really well and demonstrates that such a storyline could work if it were spun into a full-length feature. I hope it is! The only aspects that were jarring were the fall landscape and the low light. Lush foliage and sun filtering through the canopy are key elements of the franchise - they heighten the primordial feel. Of course, night scenes are also de rigueur, and the one featured here is appropriately climactic. The script even displayed a dry sense of humor and the interplay between the Saracen scholar and his band of enemies turned companions of misfortune reminded me at times of the 13th Warrior (a memorable entry in the same genre).