Reviews

Earnest and sincere acting by Antonia Campbell-Hughes and Johnny Flynn (along with name-dropping cameos from Michael Gambon, Alun Armstrong, and Joel Fry) cannot buoy this vacuous mish-mash of tension tropes posing as psychological suspense. It literally goes nowhere, but manages to waffle its way through meaningless misdirects long enough to meet a feature run time, failing in the process to have any sense of a point before failing even to end.

A white collar retred of George Orwell's "Animal Farm" that dances past "The Purge" and fails to land any kind of significant commentary.

See "Cube" or "La Plateforme" or even the cartoon of "Animal Farm" to get the real message.

It amounts to an exercise in style and design, but without a substantial plot. Various shots are gorgeous to look at, but the misogynistic tone that runs through it spoils the watch.

This is one of the worst movies ever written, ever directed, ever performed. Ben Elton, with all his talent and successes, should be deeply ashamed of this failure. Don't watch it.

What if someone remade 'Clerks II' in the style of 'Police Academy'? Add in fairly good production values for sets and props, and all the hamfisted ignorance of the 80's? You'd end up with 'Hamburger: The Motion Picture'. It's an imaginative (if not creative) addition to the 'troupe of misfits beat the odds' sub-genre, but solid laughs are not on the menu.

Don't watch this meandering waste of time.

Pattinson sinks his teeth deep into his full run-time performance, but there is no meat for him to work with; it's 'act panicked, now act cool, repeat', whatever. Half the movie is shot in dark rooms, hiding any emotion or nuisance he may have brought to his character. Don't know if this was his agent's way of showing his range apart from 'Twilight', but it was a mistake regardless.

The plot loses itself over and over, trying to find a direction or purpose, and fails hard. There is no style, no soul, no sympathetic characters, no comedy, no tension, just a shallow string of plot points and set changes.

The forthcoming novelization is twelve pages long (with pictures) and it' snot worth your time either.

A waste of time - both for the filmmakers and any audience

This is the screen adaptation of Ntozake Shange's 1975 play "For Colored Girls Who Have Considered Suicide When the Rainbow Is Enuf". This title alone is heavy with imagery and poetry enough to anticipate what follows it. The film is more marketably titled "For Colored Girls" - which takes from it any arching, celestial beauty or hollowing pain.

"For Colored Girls" was adapted, directed, and produced by Tyler Perry. It's surprising that a man would be chosen for such an acclaimed and iconic piece of African American literature and black feminism. Initially Shange had qualms about Perry taking on the film: "I worried about his characterizations of women as plastic", referring to Perry comic works with his Madea character. Later she said Perry had done a fine job, but that the film wasn't quite "finished".

"For Colored Girls (Who Have Considered Suicide When the Rainbow Is Enuf)" is just that. It's not meant for everyone; it is an open and heartfelt letter, and you will know if it's for you. "For Colored Girls" shows the scars and salves, the bruises and bonds that can tear a woman down and then bring her back up again. This movie is not easy to watch, and it's not meant to be; life isn't easy, it doesn't pull punches, but neither is it completely without hope. This movie deals with abuse, infidelity, rape, abandonment, love, sisterhood, strength, and beauty.

The colors of this movie are infinite. Each of the main characters has her own bow of the rainbow. The artistic palate full with some outstanding dramatic performances, dancing, opera, poetry, and heart.

This movie is for the colored girls who have felt joy and despair, who have seen both sides of the moon. It was made for you, and I hope you get the chance to see it.

Aloha

If you're a film connoisseur, you know that one particularly delightful delicacy is a movie so awful, so corny and weak, it's actually fun. In this vein of indulgence, we have the McDonald's of movies: "Waxwork"!

From start to finish, this movie hilariously disappoints. It's a cascade of clichés, expertly amateur, and so derivative it becomes an homage. The list of little to explicit rip-offs would stretch to hell and back. This is a must see title for any Bad Movie Night.

The cast of would be heros (Zach Galligan, Michelle Johnson, Deborah Foreman, Dana Ashbrook) is a well-seasoned synthesis of 80's bitch/douche-baggery. These kids define "stuck up". And there's no love lost watching them smug their way towards death. "I do what I want, when I want. Dig it or f*ck off."

John Rhys-Davies makes a surprising and profound appearance. This movie was well beneath him, and his short but captivating performance proves it.

One thing I have to say: For the real Marquis de Sade lovers out there, this movie is a disgrace. Pinning de Sade next to Jack the Ripper and Dracula - he was never so seductive or so cruel. Most of his works, though shedding light on gross and inhuman perversions, end with justice and the restoration of a kind of modern morality. De Sade was not a monster who got off on killing. J. Kenneth Campbell and Anthony Hickox - you should be ashamed of yourselves.

Look for: The human chicken leg Cpt. William Wonka of the RAF, or the 6th Doctor got a hair straightener No, it's not "Fantasy Island" Yes, there is a sequel...

Cigarettes in hand, our posh protagonists each declare they're "on the wagon". I wouldn't recommend it for this one.

"Blood Diamond" sheds light on the complicated, far-reaching, and bloody world of the conflict/blood diamond trade. 2 hours and 20 min is hardly enough time to expose every detail; so the film focuses on the most evocative aspect: the innocent bystanders, the refugees, the slaves, and the death generated by civil wars and greed for prized resources.

The main characters, through whose eyes we learn about this vicious world, are Djimon Hounsou, an honest family-man/fisherman, and Leonardo DiCaprio, a cynical and driven smuggler. Hounsou has a great character, full of strength and love, and who faces terrible struggles. Sadly, his performance is given the passenger's seat to DiCaprio. DiCaprio's character hardly speaks for the film (that's Stephen Collins's job). He is at every point the embodiment of the "white devil", the trickster caucasian, betraying even himself at his best moments. DiCaprio plays this with a drive devoid of remorse - good or bad, he survives on his selfishness.

Hats off to Kagiso Kuypers (playing Hounson's son). A dark and challenging role for someone so young.

The film makes compelling points about the immorality of the blood diamond trade; how even the ends - the classic diamond engagement ring in Sydney, Toronto, or Honolulu - still bear the stain of rape, mass-murder, and colonialism. However, these points are given to us in brief, expositional dialogue between aggressive and apathetic action/battle sequences. These scenes are shot fast and loud - like a short roll of black cats - popping machine guns flash between quick shots of women and children falling, cap the enemy soldiers or rebels, back to DiCaprio bossing Hounsou around. Apartheid isn't over here.

It seems like "Blood Diamond" was dumbed down for Americans, betting against our empathy and instead trying to exploit the action/adventure blockbuster market. There are some deep, touching scenes, but they're cut short and ruined predictably by gunfire and explosions.

"Snow White: A Tale of Terror" is a ship that never manages to find its current. Neither a grounded, realistic re-telling (a la "Ever After"), nor a full-blown faerie story; neither an adventure/drama, nor a horror flick. The plot unrolls like an old tapestry, with all the same familiar plot points decorated with historical and psychological additions.

The "evil step-mother" (Sigourney Weaver) is very much our main character; easily contrasted against a pugnacious Snow White. Weaver is gorgeous and has perfect poise in this role; being naturally more an Athena than an Aphrodite.

There are some truly gory moments, some great costumes, and we see more of how an ambitious lady can become an evil "witch". However, the story moves too quickly, relying on our already knowing the story, and only Sigourney Weavers performance makes this worth watching. I absolutely recommend drinking for this one.

This mind-bending, sideways look at two of "Hamlet"'s lesser characters is classic, undeniable comedy genius. Tom Stoppard's direction flowers with as much spot-on slapstick as his words and, indeed, as his actors' performances.

Gary Oldman is intoxicating! Watching him as Rosencrantz you will forget all about your Jack Sparrows after this (goatee and all, Depp totally stole his persona from Oldman). He's Buster Keaton, Laurel and Hardy, Roberto Benigni, and Peter Sellers all rolled into one! I plan to find more such characters from Oldman - certainly one of the most sublime and delightful performances of all time!

Funny note: If "The Lion King" is childishly derivative of "Hamlet", "The Lion King 1½" is a total f*cking rip-off of "Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead".

Also - "R & G Are Dead" is frequently compared to Beckett's "Waiting For Godot" (which should never be filmed!) as dealing equally with man's insubstantial grasp of his fate and the routines/shtick that passes the time before death. "R & G" is likely more palatable to a wide audience as it's abstract philosophy is counter-balanced by a well-known and literal storyline.

Wow... what a great TRAILER... I guess I should go Enjoy playing the Game now.

Honest to Buddha, I spent the whole movie asking "Where was Billy Zane while they were filming this?" Sorry, but Timothy Olyphant (who is not from Middle-Earth) was just too sickly and awkward for the role of Agent 47. He's done great work in stuff like "Live Free or Die Hard" and "Deadwood" where he's a no-nonsense bad-ass; but this emotional-awakening character was a little over his head.

"Hitman" is forgettable crap. I mean it; it's like a trailer - good, maybe, but insubstantial by itself. No one does anything worth watching in this. The action sequences are phoned-in, the plot is derivative, and despite the cover I didn't see Billy Zane anywhere... Maybe that's because I fell asleep.

You'll find "Hitman" is the rubbish bin of Terrible. It's not even "such a wreck, it's funny" - it's just worthless.

Still I got to learn more about Billy Zane "j Did you know he was in "Back to the Future" - I and II? They were his first roles. And this motherf*cker works all the time! Look at his IMDb page - he does like 5-9 movies a year! Shoots... Look for my review

Written, directed, guru'ed, and starring Alejandro Jodorowsky, "La Montaña Sagrada" ("The Holy Mountain") is nothing less than a trip. To watch this movie, you must have you heart, mind, and spirit open. Your spiritual and mental sensitivities will be affronted in both good and offensive ways.

It's no surprise that Jodorowsky and Marylin Manson have become collaborators (Jodorowsjy even officiated Manson's wedding). Jodorowsky's visuals are clearly a precursor to any of today's undermining, anti-conventional, blasphemous GaGas or Mansons; yet quite in line with your Lennons and Onos (that's right, John and Yoko help fund this feast).

I found this movie on a mind-f*ck list from Quora.com). However, there is nothing entertaining or clever about "The Holy Mountain" - it is a serious and viscerally artistic expression of the search beyond oneself for enlightenment. This isn't "Inception" or "The Matrix", kids - grow up.

If you love to question faith, the fabric of reality, or have realized the factory chuck mundanedity of today's film offerings, let Daddy Alejandro whisk you off to 1973 to change you forever.

Did you see "Dances With Wolves"? - Then you saw "Avatar".

Did you see "Ferngully"? - Then you saw "Avatar".

At least it didn't win the Best Picture Oscar. Somehow that makes up for it being probably the most overrated movie of all time.

Don't get me wrong, it the animation was beautiful to watch; the artistry was outstanding; all of these it did win for. Technically it was incredible, but a good movie's gotta be more than just pretty.

And my sound-bite summaries above... they come from my impression of the trailer before I even watched "Avatar" - and I stand by them. However, I was happen to hear that when a friend of mine took her 14-year-old son to see it (her son who had never seen "Dances With Wolves" or "Ferngully"), he left the movie going on about how we mistreat our environment and the immorality of colonialism and conquest. And I'll admit - he's right. I'd seen this story a hundred times already, but this was his first; and it worked, "Avatar" got the lesson across in a way fit for a 14-year-old. And for that I give it credit.

Having dabbled in the 1920s with "Midnight In Paris", this movie will immerse you in this classic decade. The cars, the clothes, the hair... Director Michel Hazanavicius doesn't miss a single beat. Even the extras - every pedestrian and stagehand - has the classic familiarity of your grandparents' yearbook. Even the top name character actors filling in the cast as featured extras (Malcolm McDowell, Beth Grant, Ed Lauter). Stars Jean Dujardin (looking more, at times, like Gene Kelly) and Bérénice Bejo fit perfectly into this era. All in all, it's like a lost reel straight from 1927.

I grew up going to the local Silent Film Festival every spring, so my hopes were high for "The Artist"; I can tell you, I was not disappointed. It wasn't a stylized homage (like, say, "Down With Love") or a technical exercise (Gus Van Sant's "Psycho"), this was a 20s period film all around. Like the indulgent "reality" of "Mad Men", "The Artist" is clouded with cigarette smoke, charmed with male chauvinism, and shamefully lacking real roles for minorities; and at the same time, full of G-rated romance and compelling melodrama.

Michel Hazanavicius takes full advantage to his film's lack of sound and dialog, using title cards only when absolutely necessary. In fact, one slightly jarring moment comes when we hear Rose Murphy singing "Pennies from Heaven" over a montage. Slapstick and truly expressive acting are illuminated instead. This, frankly, has been sadly absent in movies lately. The most expressive performances coming from animated characters like Wall-E and Caesar ("Rise of the Planet of the Apes").

One of the compelling (and melancholy) aspects of the plot is the shift during the Great Depression from silent films to talkies. Though it is the undertow of the lead's story, it simultaneously self-conscious, reminding us what a rare treat this movie really is.

Like I said, Go see "The Artist"! Take someone who truly loves cinema with you. Take your grandparents. This movie will transport you and remind you why we love movies so much.