Reviews

I called this "Calling Walter Kronkite" because you see him at the beginning of the film, and as the film pro or regresses one wonders why someone just doesn't call 60 minutes or some other outfit to investigate the strange goings on in this town. I mean when all your dogs go missing, dozens of automobile engines are stolen overnight, etc., etc. doesn't that sound as though a major news organization might be interested in those mysterious events? Apparently not. Does this town not have a newspaper, or a television station, or any other communication with the outside world? After all, this is 1979 not 1949. Guess not.

However, putting that aside, I marked spoiler but the next statements are not (I don't think) spoilers because they occur near the beginning of the movie. But, just in case. So, here goes: A huge train towing I don't know how many cars (but lots) comes barreling full speed along a railroad track when a pickup truck turns onto the rails and heads full tilt toward the rushing train. The engine, of course, hits the truck at full speed, the train goes off the track, and railroad cars fly as though someone threw a handful of toothpicks across a room. Wow! Yeah. Do you know what would happen to a train with the force of a dozen or more speeding rail cars behind it if it hit a puny pickup truck? Nothing, that's what. Do you know what would happen to the pickup truck and it's occupant? They would be disintegrated into millions of tiny little pieces, that's what. But not this truck, no-sir-ee, it's still in one piece, a little mangled, but in one piece. And the guy driving it? No need to worry, he's alive, oh, banged up and a little bloody, but not too bad off at all. This should be insulting to any true lover of film or sci-fi because it tells you that the director thinks you're a mindless boob who will praise him no matter how outlandish the story line he delivers to you is. The end of this movie (which I will not reveal) is even stupider than this, reminding one too much of the Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skulls climatic fiasco.

As to other aspects of this film, it should have been rated R. It is filled with cursing from the beginning to the end, with the chubby kid having basically a one word vocabulary that rhymes with "hit," which he says over and over and over and. . . . Once he says the "P" word, the one that used to describe a cat, in front of the 14 or 15 year old heroine and she says, "Oh, that's OK." Really? Chubs just called his male friend a term to indicate that his his friend was weak, a pansy, and cowardly, which, since that word is used to refer to the female anatomy and females in general, also means you little girl, and that's "OK?" Then there's the other hero of the film, the doper, the guy who offers to supply drugs to the kids, but, really, man, uh, you know, it's OK, he's cool. He's a good guy. He's a hero.

So, the messages to the targeted audience of youth this is aimed at are clear: 1. It's OK to curse. Be sure to do it hard, loud and obnoxiously; 2. Girls are trash and should not be offended by boys who talk dirty around them. They should recognize their inferior place in society and just accept themselves for the pathetic losers they are; and 3. Dopers aren't so bad. Just because they try to sell young teens drugs doesn't make them evil. They're just trying to get by. Yours truly, Uncle Steven and cousin J.J.

Here is an undeniable truth of movie reviewers: When you really want to promote a movie that's not that good, talk about the great performances of the actors. Then you can praise the movie to high heaven, feel you have done your penance, and content yourself with the ingenuity of your expansive insights. This is the case with 3:10 to Yuma.

So, what's wrong with this movie? Well, let's just look at the last 20 or so minutes of the film:

1. Apparently the bartender/hotel clerk in Contention, AZ, whom we've not been introduced to until this point in the movie, is in cahoots with the bad guys because he make a point of surreptitiously and eagerly directing the bad guys to the location of the incarcerated Mr. Crowe. Why does he do this? Who knows. The filmmaker never lets us in on the secret.

2. Apparently the Neanderthal menfolk of Contention, AZ, are a simple-minded lot who, at the thought of earning $200.00 by murdering the the folks holding murderous Russell Crowe in custody, just can't wait to start throwing lead. "Mabel, Whar's mah raffle? Ahm gonna keel me sum law-men an geet myselves $200.00 dollah cash on that thar barrelhead!"

3. Apparently no one in Contention has a problem with watching their unarmed police force viciously gunned down in broad daylight. After this atrocity, folks continue to wander the streets, go in and out of stores, and continue their daily lives as though nothing has happened. Except for, of course, the menfolk who are hiding in wait for a chance to earn that $200.00.

4. Apparently no one bothers to theorize that when you are firing dozens of rounds of ammunition at two men who are as close together as they can be without being Siamese twins you just might hit the guy you're trying to rescue.

5. Apparently, when Russell Crowe's psychotic gunslinging hero-worshiping gang member finally realizes the implications of the above, he figures he better start shootin' them menfolk he'd promised that thar munny to. Of course, none of the surviving menfolk think to start shooting at him.

6. Apparently--well, you get the idea. In other words, this excuse for movie-making is, quite frankly, stupid! In order to take this seriously, you must convince yourself that the type of behavior exhibited by many of the characters in this film is the way people really act. Whether it be the above examples, or Peter Fonda being shot in the stomach, at close range, having the bullet removed, and then immediately riding out into the desert on horseback as though nothing had ever happened to him, much of this film is just plain ludicrous! By the way, I'm no gun expert, but I do know this: If you are shot in the stomach at close range you ain't gonna be going' nowhere and you certainly ain't gonna be trottin' around on a horse!

The bigger problem with this movie is its message, which is this: People who do the right thing because it's the right thing to do are fools. Good people don't thrive. As Christian Bale says, "I've been asking God to help me for three years and he hasn't done it yet." For those who would attempt to live a righteous, honorable life there is nothing but despair and hopelessness. In fact, at the end of the movie the true hero of the piece is the psychopathic, vicious, murdering Russell Crowe character. And, by the way, this film does NOT retain the ending of the original, so if you were hoping it would, forget about that.

If you see this film, you might recognize material from other Westerns. You have an iron clad stagecoach, reminiscent of John Wayne's "War Wagon," quotes from the Bible, reminiscent of Randolph Scott in "Ride the High Country," the psychological bantering between the Crowe and Christian Bale characters, reminiscent of not only "Ride the High Country" but also of "The Tall T", an Elmore Leonard story with Randolph Scott and Richard Boone, and Christian Bales's cursing teenage son, reminiscent of Ron Howard in John Wayne's "The Shootist."

Your better bets: All of the other movies I named above plus the original with Glen Ford and Van Heflin.

This movie season should be called "The Summer of our Re-makes." First we had "Disturbia," whose creators--uh--rip-off artists--didn't even have the decency to acknowledge, in the movie credits, that they stole the plot from Alfred Hitchcok's "Rear Window," or that the screenplay was based on the short story by Cornell Woolrich. Soon, we're going to have "3:10 to Yuma" with Christian Bale and Russell Crowe. The original starred Glen Ford and Van Heflin. Also, coming along is a Jodie Foster project, "The Brave One." The plot is as follows: Woman's boyfriend is murdered--woman buys gun--woman is confronted by a robber--woman shoots robber--woman begins a spree of shooting a whole bunch of low-lifes. Hmm. . . Hmm. . . Hmm. . . this sounds awfully like "Death Wish" with Charles Bronson! By the way, one of Jodie Foster's last movies, "Flightplan," is also a direct rip-off of Alfred Hitchcock's "The Lady Vanishes." So, now we have the (at least) 3rd re-make of "Invasion of the Body Snatchers." The first re-make was with Donald Sutherland and Leonard Nimoy, another ("Body Snatchers") featured Gabrielle Anwar, Forrest Whitaker and Meg Tilly, and now we have this one, and, I'm not positive, but I think there's another version around, too. Now, the original is one of the greatest Sci-Fi/Suspense/Horror movies ever made. Directed by Don Siegel, a director who also influenced Clint Eastwood's work, it holds up as well today as when it was first released, and I would suggest obtaining the DVD, finding as big a screen as possible (preferably one with a front projection system), getting the snacks, turning off the lights, and then setting back to watch a movie that amply demonstrates the art of superb movie-making.

However, this newest offering is not bad. Yes, if you want to compare it with the original, it is inferior to that. But, if you've not seen the original, you will find it scary and suspenseful, unless your idea of scary is someone drilling a hole through some kidnapped woman's fingernail. If that's the case, then you should be in counseling, anyway.

I say it's not bad for two reasons: (1) I thought it was going to be horrible because of the buzz I'd heard about it, but I found that it had a good amount of suspense built into it. In other words, my original negative mindset was dispelled by the story; (2) I observed the audience, and they seemed to be totally engrossed in the film. Therefore, I objectively assume others would enjoy it, too.

Now, it does have flaws. The main one is that it becomes laughable when it decides to play a strange form of politics with actual current events. It's primary message seems to be that people who exhibit emotions such as love, hate, greed, selfishness, humility, etc., (i.e., us, we the people)are the problem. Why, if it weren't for us, we'd live in a perfect world. Shoot, if people would just submit to the inevitable rightness of the aliens way of life, then they would find that hunger, poverty, greed, the war in Iraq and all sorts of undesirable things would no longer exist. Okay, isn't that sort of like what Adolph Hitler was telling the German people as he began his conquest for world domination? Follow me and I'll be your savior? Anyway, I don't go to movies to hear lectures about the filmmakers political leanings. If I wanted to do that, I'd pay money to listen to Al Gore and Michael Moore lie to me some more.

The car scenes are so blurred, you can't really see what is happening, and the aliens transmit their virus by spitting green stuff in your mouth.

Three trivia notes: Controversial director Sam Peckinpah appears in a brief acting part in the 1956 version.

In the "Loony Tunes Back in Action" movie with Brandon Fraser, there is a brief scene in which Kevin McCarthy (star of the original "Invasion") is seen carrying one of the infamous pods that brought him film immortality.

Finally, have you ever noticed that Daniel Craig's upper lip doesn't move?

FLASH! DAILY PLANET EXCLUSIVE! "SUPERMAN GOT ME PREGNANT" by LOIS LANE

As a continuation of my Pulitzer Prize winning "Why the World Doesn't Need Superman" series, this author feels it incumbent upon her to, in the spirit of full disclosure and possible conflict of interest issues, reveal that I, Lois Lane, gave birth to Superman's illegitimate love child five years ago. That encounter was, unfortunately, an all too familiar case of macho-male "love 'em and leave 'em" syndrome. One moment we were making a baby; the next moment he was flying out the window, proclaiming at the top of his lungs, "I've got to find Krypton! I've got to find Krypton!"

Yeah. Right. He goes away for five years--FIVE YEARS!--To find a place that everybody knows was blown to smithereens well over 20 years ago! For crying out loud, his Krypton Daddy told him that a decade ago through those funny little crystals he left him!

"I've got to find Krypton." Baloney! I know where Kryptonite comes from, Jimmy Olson knows where Kryptonite comes from, Lex Luthor knows where Kryptonite comes from, and so--does--he! And, now so, too, will you--it was formed when the planet Krypton exploded into a gazillion little pieces! "I've got to find Krypton." Give--me--a--break!

Five years! Five years! No child support, no visitation, no letter, no birthday card, not even a giant flaming meteor hurled across the night sky! Here I am, single, alone, stuck with possibility of raising this kid I didn't mean to have, and good ol' Superman's out there gallivanting about in space a few million light years from earth--or so he says!

My therapist says that I am transferring my resentment towards Superman onto my child. She says that is why I have never combed the kid's hair or gotten him a haircut. She says that is why I am subconsciously compelled to pick the child up from daycare late and then take the child with me into situations that have the potential of becoming life-threatening events, such as when I take him with me onto murderous Lex Luthor's yacht. Well, so what! The kid's got to learn sometime. Might as well be now than later--that is, if he can survive me.

Hey! Listen up for a minute! I've got a secret I want to tell you. This is just between me, you and Connie Chung, O.K.? Here goes!

I've been shacking up with Perry White's nephew for the past five years, and--come a little closer, that's it, just a little closer--he thinks Superman's little brat is his! Ah-Ha! Ha! Ha! Men are so gullible and stupid! Superman's gone, I'm pregnant, and, hey, a girl's got to survive, and I've got a body that knows the the greatest survival techniques available to womankind!

Now that the full story of why I said the world doesn't need Superman has been revealed, perhaps others will reach the conclusion this writer has, which is that Superman is a selfish, arrogant, self-centered, crybaby cad, not a hero.

NEXT WEEK'S INSTALLMENT: "I SAW SUPERMAN NAKED!"

The scriptwriters of this film (Michael Dougherty and Dan Harris) have been quoted as stating they purposefully omitted "the American way" from "Truth, justice and . . ." because it represents an ideal that no longer exists in America. The meaning of the term is "somewhat uncertain," Dougherty has been quoted as saying (The Hollywood Reporter.com 06/30/06).

In the George Reeves' "The Adventures of Superman" episode "King for a Day," The Prince of Bergonia talks about Superman--"He stands for everything I'd like to put into practice in my own country. All the principles of free play, and democracy, and freedom that I've learned about in America."

Mmmm . . .This concept no longer exists in America, and the meaning of the term is "somewhat uncertain?" Well, the scriptwriters may have difficulty understanding such an existential concept, but I've got a feeling that most of the rest of us get it.

Folks, this juvenile silliness is not worth the money people have spent on it. Secondly, the scriptwriters of this thing have become millionaires by living in a country where hard work can lead to great rewards, and they thank America by displaying their arrogant, Hollywood elite, mindset by purposely omitting the phrase "the American way," not because they don't know what it means, but because they will earn more money from foreign markets if they don't offend those who hate the American ideal (The Hollywood Reporter.com 06/30/06). That's gratitude for you.

However, if you still insist on spending hard earned dollars on this movie, then allow me to impart one last reason--and arguably the most important reason--why you shouldn't : THEY FORGOT TO PUT THE "S" ON SUPERMAN'S CAPE!

The problem with this version of Kong is that it is a cartoonish, video game caricature of the original. It is, I sadly report, simply hokey and childish. In the original, Carl Denaham has some idea of what he is looking for and comes prepared. This Mr. Denham hasn't the foggiest notion as to what may inhabit Skull Island and sails there in a ship which has no room to hold an ape, gargantuan or otherwise! Of course, the filmmaker conveniently leaves that problem out of the movie.

But this isn't the worst part about Kong. First, there is the kidnapping. To kidnap the heroine, one of the islanders ties one end of a rope that must've been about 1/4 mile long to his waist, and then pole vaults barefooted from one craggy outcropping of volcanic rock to another until he at last manages to pole vault onto the ship (Close your mouth, quit laughing, yes, I did say pole vault). He then apparently searches the ship until he finds his prey, drags her onto the deck, and then jumps into the frothy water where he and his victim are pulled through the rocks and onto shore. As I said, hokey and silly. And that's being kind.

Then there is Jimmy. I still don't know why Jimmy is in this movie. He doesn't advance the plot at all, but the writers of this thing go to great lengths to tell us how Jimmy was rescued, adrift at sea with two broken arms. So how did Jimmy come to be in that predicament? No one ever says and we never know! However, we do know this about Jimmy: though he has never fired a gun in his life, he is able to point a machine point blank at a man, pull the trigger, and shoot every bug off the the man's body without ever even grazing the man! Again, just childish, cartoonish, silly, video game stuff.

Then there is Kong. We should probably rename him Kung Fu Kong. When he jumps, unlike a real ape, which would merely drop straight down, he glides almost like a flying squirrel. He grabs tree branches, swings down, brings his feet up, and plants a smashing kick beneath a T-Rex's chin, just like Jackie Chan might have. He holds the heroine in one hand and fights 3 T-Rexes with the other. The T-Rex's clamp their jaws around his free arm over and over without effect. (T-Rex's must have had extremely weak jaw muscles.) Of course, Kung fu Kong prevails. Kong also hams his part mercilessly at the end of the film, giving us what is probably the longest drawn out death scene in movie history.

I could go on and on and on, but I won't. I watched this movie and came away with the distinct impression that I had not seen a remake of a classic movie, but rather had just witnessed a 3 hour long advertisement for the video game.

Unfortunately, Peter Jackson chose to turn what could have been a classic remake of a beloved monster movie into nothing more than a classic monstrosity of a beloved monster movie.

Do yourself a favor: Buy the new, restored boxed set of King Kong, Son of Kong, and Mighty Joe Young. That, at least, is worth the price I paid for it.

This "coulda been a contender", but instead contains so many holes in plot logic that it becomes laughable. The most suspenseful scenes are the ones stolen from Charade and Wait Until Dark (your better choices). To take this film seriously one must believe that a major metropolitan city doesn't employ enough personnel to respond to more than one 911 call, that the criminal mastermind doesn't charge his cell phone battery before beginning his mission, and that the hero flees from rather than seeks help, among many, many other things. Most laughable is the person who must continually place thumb to throat in order to perform a certain task. I say laughable, because it was, presumably, supposed to denote menace. This is one of those "throw it together and let's see what the suckers will spend!" It's too bad. The movie started out well, and, if the director and writers had spent a little more time on plot development, AND if they had had enough respect for the audience to turn this into a really good movie, it would have been one that may have ranked with the Hitchcock type of movie it emulates.