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Superman Returns (2006)
Superbland
The other Superman films are a lot of things, but they are not boring. Superman Returns is a flat out bore that has no intention of delivering anything new. Brandon Routh's performance is nothing more than an impression of Christopher Reeve's take on the character, no new significant characters are introduced, Lex Luthor once again provides a lame real-estate villain plot, and even the John Williams theme is reused. The entire film is absolutely baffling as the story it tells comes off as a follow up to a film we never saw. Dropping the audience into a story with barely any context or connection to the characters will always cause a severe lack of investment. This also isn't one of those superhero movies where you can just sit back and be entertained by the action. Not only is there barely any action in the film, but what action is there isn't exactly the most exciting or memorable despite an admittedly cool plane rescue sequence. Bryan Singer directed the first 2 X-Men films, both of which were fairly serious and void of much visual creativity. However, the X-Men involves characters that are much more grounded, and do not possess many powers that require zany visuals to pull off. When you apply this bleak style to a larger than life boy scout in colourful spandex, it simply won't work as well. The tone of the film just feels confused. As boring and sullen as this Superman is, this film goes out of its way to constantly reuse cheesy lines and music from the Christopher Reeve era and it just doesn't fit with the rest of the movie. Everything wrong with this film can be summed up with its final scene. While reusing the John Williams theme, the film closes with a near shot-for-shot remake of Christopher Reeves classic outro to the Superman films in which he would gracefully fly above a colourful backdrop of planet earth as he cracks a smile and winks to the audience to close out his latest adventure. Now imagine that sequence without any of the vibrant colours, and instead of the classic smile and wink you are treated to a near expressionless Superman flying by the camera. This movie failed to grasp that you need more than just decent visual effects to make people believe a man can fly.
Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2 (2015)
A Disappointing Sequel
The original Paul Blart is great and there ain't no debate. It was a movie for all ages, and delivered countless thrills. Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2 on the other hand was not as memorable. Then again, the first film was lightning in a bottle and it would have taken a miracle to recreate that magic. The sequel lacks the memorable action sequences of the first film. The most noteworthy action beat in the movie is when Paul Blart expertly punches an elderly woman in the stomach. The worst part is it was not even a fair fight. If the old lady was aware of the attack i'm sure she would have held her own, especially if she had access to kryptonite. The movie is also disappointing when it comes to the supporting cast. Justin Russo from Wizards of Waverly Place appears in the film and he doesn't even perform any magic to aid Paul Blart on his quest. Overall though, the movie is not that bad. What holds it all together is that it still carries the same inspirational message as the first film. With a killer moustache, a little confidence, and a high-powered segway, you too can take out a building full of armed criminals. #AlwaysBetOnBlart
Beauty and the Beast (2017)
Boring and the Bland
Beauty and the Beast is another utterly pointless cash-grab of a remake. While not a bad movie, it is nowhere near as good as the original. Somehow, this film is nowhere near as emotional despite the fact that it involves real tangible human beings instead of cartoons. The new cast is hit and miss. Josh Gad and Kevin Kline provide some much needed charm and levity to the film. On the flip-side, the leads (specifically Emma Watson) are spectacularly underwhelming. Emma Watson simply does not look, sing, or act the part. The movie plays like a pale imitation of the original. Ultimately the whole thing is brought down by the script. It is essentially the same script as the original, but there are certain changes thrown in simply for the purpose of change. There are multiple sub-plots added which just come off as unnecessary filler. What makes matters worse, is that the film cuts out important story beats from the original in order to make room for the new unnecessary sub-plots. Other than some solid visuals and performances this movie doesn't offer much. Overall, Beauty and the Beast (2017) isn't good, and it isn't bad. It's just pointless.
Thor (2011)
Enjoyable Fluff
Thor is a light, enjoyable comic book movie. The one word that perfectly encapsulates this movie is "simple". Thor's character arc of redemption works. The villain has just enough backstory to make him interesting. The "fish out of water" type of humour works. The movie is incredibly silly, yet it embraces its ridiculousness. This makes the movie very easy to get into. Only rarely do you get pulled out due to forced melodrama. The movie achieves nearly everything it sets out to. However, that is the main issue with the film. It isn't exactly ambitious. It does a good job telling a simple superhero origin story, but it does little more than that. Asgard seems to be to be very interesting, but more time spent exploring it would have improved the film. The action sequences are decent, but it could have been much more creative given the character's supernatural abilities. Overall, Thor could have been something great if it was more ambitious and creative. That being said, it achieves its goal of being good.
Bigfoot's Wild Weekend (2012)
Nearly ended my life.
Words cannot sufficiently describe the physical agony I encountered after surviving this putrid creation. After a 37 hour period of stasis, I finally mustered the strength to move. I went on with my life. Hoping that someday I could find happiness, and forget about this "film". However, I have learned that some wounds never heal. I am lost. I write this review in an attempt to warn potential victims.
Catwoman (2004)
It's weird, but I like it.
Catwoman is a film that few can appreciate. Largely due to the fact that it is nearly unwatchable. However, if you enjoy a good cringefest of a film then Catwoman is definitely for you. An unintentional comedy for the ages that will leave you laughing in tears. It should be noted that in order to experience this euphoric plethora of gut-busting laughter, you will be forced to submit to this film's ridiculousness. If you try to resist this films insanity then you will release tears of sadness instead of tears of laughter. I recommend this "film" only to those that will not bother trying to take it seriously.
Howard the Duck (1986)
Not a very good movie.
Howard the Duck is a very hard movie to recommend. The film's plot is borderline inexplicable, but that doesn't make the entire thing a lost cause. While most of this film fails miserably on almost every level, it does deserve credit for some of its technical achievements. The effects are surprisingly decent for the time of release, and there is a well put together plane sequence. However, the effects don't make up for the rest of the film. Overall, I would recommend Howard the Duck to anyone who enjoys physical discomfort and can appreciate good special effects.
Captain America: The First Avenger (2011)
First Half Is Good, Second Half Is Awful.
Captain America: The First Avenger starts out pretty good. Steve Rodgers is a very likable character. He is a small guy who wants to make a big difference. He wants to serve his country by joining the army, however he is too small and physically weak to pass the boot camp training. Lucky for him the good guys have just cooked up a Super Solider Serum. Since Steve is such a noble patriot he is chosen to be part of the super soldier experiment. The experiment is successful and he becomes Captain America. Unfortunately, everything after Steve becomes Captain America is just plain awful. The first half of the movie was pretty good. There was nice sets, the boot camp scenes were enjoyable, and CGI they used to put the head of Chris Evans on that small body was seamless. However the entire second half is terrible. We went from a well done period piece with nice sets and characters to a dumb action movie where a superhero wrapped in an American flag fights Nazis with laser guns. All of the world war 2 centric action is glossed over in a 30 second montage. Instead most of the action is between Captain America and an evil Nazi group led by the Red Skull. Red Skull is an awful villain. Whereas Captain America is pure good, Red Skull is pure evil. He is a very cliché bad guy, his motives make no sense, and his evil plan is laughable. For the most part the second half of the movie is just a bunch of dumb action. Despite it being world war 2 there is no realism or grit to any of the action sequences. There is a funny looking superhero fighting against a funny looking Nazi with a red head, all the while there is a bunch of lasers firing everywhere. The CGI in the second half is so fake looking and is a big part of why the action looks as bad as it does. Overall the second half of the story is nonsensical, the action is forgettable, the villain is a joke, and Captain America just isn't that interesting. He doesn't exhibit any distinct character development because he was already the perfect patriotic boy scout before he was even Captain America. Overall this is a pretty mediocre movie.
Iron Man 2 (2010)
It is the first movie done slightly worse
Iron Man 2 is essentially the story of Iron Man 1 all over again. Tony Stark is a selfish irresponsible man who must correct his ways. The villains consist of an American businessman teaming up with a terrorist from a far away country. Tony Starks life is in danger and he must use his intelligence to invent something that will help him survive. Of all these huge retreads of the first movie, Tony being a reckless and selfish hotshot all over again is the worst. Whereas the first Iron Man movie did a good job of showing Tony Stark trying to better himself as a person, Iron Man 2 sends his character all the way back to square one. By making Tony Stark once again this irresponsible hotshot the movie essentially negates all of his character development from the first movie. This movies intention wasn't to tell a compelling story. Instead it is basically one big trailer for "The Avengers" trying to satisfy comic book fanboys. "Look there's Iron Man!", " Hey there's War Machine", "Wow Black Widow's here too!", "And there's Nick Fury", "Cool there's Captain Americas Shield". Instead of making a good sequel they basically just told the same story as the first movie except with a bunch of Avengers related stuff. However with all this said, I don't think Iron Man 2 is a bad movie. Robert Downey Jr. is still great in the leading role. The soundtrack is great with classic songs from AC/DC and Queen. The action is much more entertaining than in the first one. And also the special effects are pretty good. Unlike the first movie Iron Man 2 doesn't take itself too seriously and thus makes sitting through the movie pretty easy. It's not a good movie, but it's a decent popcorn flick.
Batman & Robin (1997)
The Best Worst Movie Ever
Batman & Robin is by far the most entertaining toy commercial I have ever seen. The performances are awful, the dialogue is hysterical, the characters are cartoons, the production design is a joke, and the story doesn't make a lick of sense. All of this makes Batman & Robin one of the most entertaining movies ever made. It is a terrible movie for sure, but whereas some terrible comic book movies are just boring, this movie ends up being one gigantic comedy. The movie is so bad it's good. From the Bat-Nipples to the ice puns, this movie shows you that it clearly has no intention of being anything but a joke. And what a funny joke it is.