Reviews

zombie review #7 **Minor Spoilers** This film was an absolute breath of fresh air. A horror film that not only delivers on the spooky atmosphere and shambling zombies (not to mention that it seems to originate the Evil Dead's shovel decapitation some 18 years beforehand), but also provides well written characters, highly enjoyable performances, and (unlike many later zombie films) something that resembles a story.

The story deals with mysterious deaths and disappearing bodies in Cornwall (England), and does about as much for that locations reputation as Straw Dogs would a few years later.

There's much to love about this film, but the main thing - more than the atmospheric photography, the mostly excellent special effects work, the sleazily charming bad guy who sounds far too much like James Mason, and the well structured screenplay that makes every scene count - is the star turn from Andre Morrel, who in this film is without a doubt the GREATEST SCREEN HERO OF ALL TIME!! No, really... if you don't believe me just watch the film. In the first five minutes he establishes his absolute dominance of the screen, and doesn't let it go for a second, giving a performance that is funny, heroic, and believably humane while also being a bit of a grumpy old man.

It's not often you can watch a zombie film and find the writing and performances among the strongest elements, and even though this is quite an old fashioned one, made as it was before Night of the Living Dead took out the voodoo and replaced it with raw flesh eating mayhem, it still impresses as a good example of how a horror film can be made without MTV editing and shallow, obnoxious characters being on the receiving end of novelty death scenes every five minutes.

Some may find it slow, or not violent enough, but it's got flaming zombies for goodness sake. FLAMING ZOMBIES!!!

Some films have articles, essays, even books dedicated to explaining how great they are. As a teenager it only took one simple sentence to put City of the Living Dead on my list of films I needed to see..."A woman pukes up her own intestines".

Sadly, at the time the UK censors didn't see the funny side of this, and the other delights contained in this film or it's companion The Beyond, so I didn't get to see them until much later. In some ways I can say COTLD does live up to it's reputation (it IS pretty disgusting) but in others, well, if The Beyond is pleasingly, nightmarishly surreal (and to me it is) COTLD is one of the most bafflingly illogical films I've ever seen.

The story involves a psychic and a journalist rushing to close a portal to hell that's been opened by the suicide of a priest (how? why? how should I know, I only watched the film and that didn't help! The priest comes back as an undead overlord, but was this his intention?). I say rushing but in fact their journey is rather leisurely. Apparently saving the world isn't as important as stopping off for lunch on the way, which is rather odd as they're against the clock on this one - the portal must be closed by All Saints day.

You may think that's a small thing to notice in the film except - and I'm about to give away the ending - they get there TOO LATE to close the portal! Before entering a graveyard for the final showdown with the undead priest they note that it's already All Saints day, they've blown it, yet the film continues into it's climax and a good vs evil face off from which our "heroes" think they're emerging victorious? You idiots! You already knew you blew it, what on earth is going on here?? Then there's the infamous final scene. Supposedly the films disjointed, inexplicable ending is the result of the last bit of footage being damaged and lost for ever, and what you do get is something you really have to see for yourself to (dis)believe. They certainly don't make 'em like that anymore.

If it's gore you want you certainly won't be let down by the drillings, gouged heads, zombie attacks and of course A WOMAN PUKING UP HER OWN INTESTINES, but overall this film is slow moving, and with that ending (for gods sake, that ENDING!) more than a little frustrating.

***Spoilers***

It's not often I watch a film that I really can't think of a single positive thing to say about, but this comes pretty damn close.

Sadly indicative of the decline that hit Hong Kong cinema in the 90s, Satan Returns is sloppy, generic, badly written, badly filmed (and edited) and just looks cheap as *ahem* hell.

The "plot" concerns a crazed man called Judas who is searching for Satans Daughter - a task he completes by finding women born on the 6th June 1966, and cutting their hearts out. If she lives, she's the real thing and the world's in trouble.

Up against Judas are the "heroes", who are the worlds worst cops. Seriously, these guys cause more death and destruction than anything Judas does just through their sheer ineptitude.

There's so much wrong with this film it's hard to know where to start. The sudden shifts in tone from melodrama to silly comedy (which is common in this sort of HK film, but seems particularly misguided in a film that sometimes tries to ape thrillers like Seven), the baffling plot developments (a priest informs the heroine "oh yes, i did once see 3 sixes on your fathers neck, but I didn't want to say anything"!!!), and an ending so weak it can't even be saved by a belated appearance by Zombies - even if one of them does get it's legs cut off at the knees with a chainsaw.

Overall this film is silly, boring, often incoherent, and for viewers in the UK rendered completely pointless by having the final revelation shown as a caption in Chinese that the distributors couldn't be bothered translating.

Even for hardened Donnie Yen fans, don't waste your time - it's rubbish!

Zombie Review #5

**spoilers**

The film starts with two brothers being stranded in a redneck town while on holiday. One of them (Mike) is bland but likeable, the other (Josh) is the first big problem for audience with this film. He's a jerk, (and all the bad things that befall Mike and Josh happen as a direct result of him being such a jerk) and not only that he's played Wings Hauser, a man who inexplicably forged a career as a heroic leading man despite a) resembling a toothy crossbreed of John Lithgow and Art Garfunkel and b)not being able to act. At all. And don't even get me started on his "fight" scenes.

Congratulations audience! Wings will be your hero for this movie! This fact is scarier than anything else in the film, but don't feel sorry for Wings, despite all his faults he manages to pull a local barmaid/teacher (nice combination!) despite them both having slightly more important things to worry about.

After some run-ins with violent locals (including the least convincing bar-room brawl of all time), it appears that SOMETHING is happening in the small town... Bodies are appearing, then disappearing, people are taking ill, the streets are increasingly empty....

So anyway, to cut an overly slow moving film short - it turns out that a nearby chemical waste dump is turning everyone into toxic vampire zombies, which isn't quite as exciting as it sounds.

The best scene has a doctor examining a body and explaining the process of how people are mutating, completely oblivious to her assistant turning into a monster behind her, following the description to the letter and making an awful lot of noise while doing it. If only there were more moments of comedy as good as this then the film may be worth watching.

There is ONE good scene at the climax, as a gang of unruly vampire zombies surround our "heroes", but sadly it doesn't build to anything.

Overall the film is cheap looking (though some of the make up effects are decent), badly made, badly written, VERY badly acted and did I mention that it stars Wings Hauser?

There is a good punchline though. After spending most of the film trying to build sympathy for a cop who's ruined his career by alcoholism, everyone finds it hilarious when at the end he says the next thing he'll do is go for a drink. Right on!

***SPOILERS***

Death Trap is a film horror film with a difference. It is possessed of a special evil power most films don't have - an evil power to ruin a perfectly good day, suck all the joy out of your heart and make you forget you'd actually been enjoying yourself, or maybe even forget the whole IDEA of joy.

I'd been having a good day when myself and a couple of friends sat down to watch one of the 2 shiny new movies I'd bought. The choice was Lucio Fulci's surreal zombie meltdown "the Beyond" or "Death Trap", Tobe Hoopers follow up to Texas Chainsaw Massacre.

Being huge TCM fans we went for Death Trap, after all, Tobe Hoopers second film has to be worth watching right?

Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, WRONG!

So very very wrong.

Death Trap is basically a cut price, hillbilly, Psycho rip off. At the start we meet a female character, who fleeing from trouble stays at a grotty hotel where the nutcase owner "shockingly" kills her. Except where Norman Bates was fixated on his mother, Judd has a pet crocodile. (and you'll never see the end coming, not in a MILLION YEARS!!!!....oh OK, the croc eats Judd)

Then some more people show up, including the worlds most annoying family, and a mildly amusing Robert Englund as a horny redneck. Most of them die, but not in any remotely interesting ways. Oh, and a pet dog gets eaten by the crocodile, possibly the highpoint of the film (unless you really want to watch the future Freddy doing "the nasty", in which case my advice is - seek professional help!)

The main problem here is the pacing (and the script, and a lot of the acting, and the unoriginality, but hey lets stick to the pacing). The film is desperately slow, and I can't believe it only runs the 87 minutes listed on the box. If so Death Trap must be possessed of another evil power - that same power doctors waiting rooms and tube station platforms have to make minutes seem like hours.

Pretty much everything Hooper did right with TCM, he messes up here. The film is ugly, lacking in real atmosphere, and just so damned slow! The fact that it's mostly filmed on one set, and in overlong takes often makes it feel more like a film of a really bad play than an actual movie, complete with horribly overwrought acting like the cast are playing to the folks at the back of the stalls.

Worse, there's no real tension - the only scene with any suspense has a child crawling under the hotel to escape the crocodile, and using a child in jeopardy to provoke a response from the audience is a pretty cheap shot.

Death Trap suffers the same problems as the 2004 Dawn of the Dead - it's not scary, or really horrible, or funny. It's just painfully boring, it killed the vibe of a perfectly good day, and made at least one of my friends fall asleep.

There are all sorts of conspiracy's to try and explain exactly how come this film is so bad (haven't these people seen Lifeforce???), like Hooper walked off/was sacked/the film was re-edited by the producer/the distributor/bigfoot/George W. but the plain truth is that this is an ill-conceived, poorly executed failure. You can see how Hooper was aiming for a similar effect to TCM (the psycho killer in the clammy southern setting, the sudden deaths and OTT performances), but this time it just doesn't work. Perhaps it's the stagebound production, but then perhaps it's just the crummy screenplay...

Afterwards, the only way to try to make the wasted 87 minutes seem worthwhile was to then lend the film to some TCM loving friends and inflict it on them too. They didn't rush to thank me.

**spoilers**

Normally it's my intent to only submit reviews of zombie films to IMDb, but given my user ID, when a friend suggested watching this film I couldn't refuse.

My goodness I wish I had.

Stagefright is an 80s slasher film (an ITALIAN 80s slasher film). And contains all the elements you would expect.

Unlikeable characters? check! Terrible synth/rock music? check! Killer who comes back to be disposed of one last time? check!

And don't forget that low, low budget...

However, Stagefright also adds into the mix a rare dose of arty pretentiousness, and even seems to be a movie with a message...

The story concerns an "intellectual musical" about a killer in an owlmask. When one of the stars seeks medical help for a hurt ankle at a local psychiactric hospital (good call!) she returns to the theatre with a psycho killer hiding in the back of the car. The rest pretty much writes itself.

After one crew member winds up on the wrong end of a nifty pickaxe to the face gag, the director decides to change the theme of the show to be about the escaped killer. The press he reasons, love a bit of death, and that should be good publicity for the show. He doesn't stop to think that perhaps punters may be PUT OFF going to see it as there's an escaped loony hanging around outside the theatre indulging his bloodlust on anyone who happens by.

Except of course, opening night will never come as the killer's still in the building, and after donning the owlmask (WHY????) sets about despatching everyone in the building.

During all this, 2 policemen wait outside, unaware of the carnage taking place inside. Savour their scenes, as the banter with the cops is pretty much the only entertainment you're going to get.

OK, maybe that's unfair. Some of the deaths are pleasingly gory, and the musical numbers are hilarious, but really this film is awful.

The dialogue is terrible enough to have you banging your head against the wall in frustration, the characters are all annoying, and their reactions to the deaths happening RIGHT IN FRONT OF THEM are not only completely illogical, but also bafflingly slow..... v e r y s l o w...

By the time the show's obnoxious director drops to his knees screaming "NOOOOOOOOO!!!" at the site of another victim, you'll know exactly how he feels. (Mind you any film that actually has a character do this is worth seeing at least once)

At the end, when only one of the cast is alive (more by luck than heroism, as she happens to be unconscious while everyone else is getting chopped up), the killer - who despite being a mentally damaged murderer has an immediate knowledge of how to use all the theaters lighting and sound equipment - takes time to deck the stage out with a grim tableaux of body parts and mannequins, then sits among it to admire his handiwork (whilst stroking a cat and wearing the owlmask!).

Could the film be intended as a searing indictment of the media's exploitation of violence for profit?

Who cares! What's more important is that the ending of Stagefright is one of the most cack-handed and inept pieces of film-making I've ever seen.

In fact, this whole film is rubbish from beginning to end, not without it's amusement, but as a whole, it's incoherent, pretentious, pompous, stupid and doesn't even have a decent pay-off.

So bad in fact, that I may have to change my user name...

Zombie Review #4

**spoilers, but the film won't make any more sense!**

Where do you start with a film like this? Director Lucio Fulci is equally revered and reviled for his weirdo 80s gore movies such as Zombie Flesh Eaters, City of the Living Dead, and the New York Ripper (a slasher film where the killer has Donald Ducks voice!).

The Beyond is often cited as Fulci's best film, and I'm inclined to agree. Sure, it has little in the way of coherent plot or character development and an often slow pace, but for once it doesn't seem to matter. While those problems tend to be true of all of Fulci's work, here the film actually achieves a genuine dream-like atmosphere where the gaps in the story and sudden jumps in logic make a sort of strange anti-sense (if you follow me!)

The story has another one of those pesky "gates of hell" being opened up by accident, which seems to be a worryingly easy thing to do. You'd think it would involve a whole lot of chanting, devil worshipping and virgin sacrificing, but apparently a plumber called Joe knocking through the wrong wall will do the job just as well.

Given the disjointed, surreal nature of the film it seems almost pointless to go into too many plot specifics, but through it's course the Beyond has Zombies (of course), people with strange eyes staring into the camera, a cunning reverse of the eyeball scene from Zombi, a woman melted by acid, a man eaten by spiders (or is it a plastecine face being picked at by pipe cleaners? You decide!), and a crucified Warlock.

And if one thing's guaranteed to make a film at least, well I'd say about 15% better, it's a crucified Warlock.

This being a Lucio Fulci film it really picks up when the zombies arrive, and while they take their time turning up, they don't disappoint when they do.

Apart from the climactic escape from hordes of flesh eating ghouls (which gore fans should note features one of the most classy exploding head effects ever filmed), Fulci also delivers another fine animal vs zombie scene to follow up the shark fight from Zombi. Here it's zombies vs a dog, which could really have been a film in its own right.

The Beyond's greatest achievement though, is that for once Fulci's emphasis on eerie visuals at the expense of story really pays off, with the slow pace and hazy photography lending a genuinely creepy atmosphere, while the use of twisted dream logic really pays off in the climax.

Several films have tried to create a surreal, nightmare like quality, but the end of the Beyond seems to nail the disjointed events and geography of dreams better than most (or at least better than most Nightmare on Elm St films!)

The Beyond is probably not a film for all tastes, and it's not without flaws. Some of it is genuinely effect, and some of it is just plain funny, but it's certainly one of the most effective Italian horrors from the 80s, and in it's unrelenting gore and refusal to make sense it more than shows up the current crop of hyped up so-called horror films for the gutless, bloodless tat they really are.

Zombie Review #3

**Spoilers**

Few films are actually "so bad they're good", and Zombi 3 is not just bad, it's wretchedly, unforgivably bad in so many ways that a whole new language may be needed just to describe them all

More than that, it's a film credited to Lucio Fulci that even by his standards has absolutely no coherency, sense or reason. However we can't blame Fulci as it wasn't really directed by him but by Bruno Mattei, who doesn't even have Fulci's sense of style to help carry the film. Mattei seems to have brought little to the film but staggering ineptitude.

So, I'm ashamed to say how much I enjoyed every worthless minute of Zombi 3. It has no redeeming features - in a genre known for thin characters, weak story, and lack of film making skill, Zombi 3 pushes the boat out but in doing so it's even funnier than Nightmare City.

The "action" starts when the "Death 1" gas is stolen from a military base, and damaged in the escape. Who is the thief, why did he steal it, and why did the US military think that creating cannibalistic legions of the living dead would be a good idea? All these questions and more will fail to be answered in Zombi 3....

After hiding out at a hotel, the infected thief goes mad from all the green plastecine growing on his face before being tracked down by the army who somewhat foolishly decide the best way to dispose of his corpse will be to burn it, sending "Death 1" up into the atmosphere resulting in... zombie birds! Who then attack people and turn them into zombie people!!! (if zombies are cannibals, why don't the zombie birds just attack other birds?)

Then we meet our "heroes", a trio of horny GIs and a coachload of girls. There's a couple of other guys with them too, but they're not important - NO ONE is important here. You'll be hard pressed to remember anyone's face, let alone their name or find a reason to care about them. They end up hiding out at the same hotel as the thief ("a week ago this place was buzzing with life, now it's buzzing with flies!") but there's no escape from the undead.

By this point you'll either be completely sucked in or you'll have turned the damned thing off. The script is so appalling even the greatest acting in the world couldn't save it, so it's just as well they have some of the worst - and not just the human characters, the zombie acting here is an all time low. There's no consistancy in how the zombies behave - some shamble about in the time honored style, others engage in full on fist fights or charge around with machettes, not to mention the zombies who are still able to talk (a gimmick that gives the film it's HORRIFYING TWIST ENDING). They die from gunshots to the chest (rather than the head) and even get knocked out by a good left-hook. How can you punch out a zombie???!!!!! In fact the emphasis on badly done 80s action often makes it resemble an episode of V...

The zombies also spend a lot of time hiding, seemingly waiting for hours in ridiculous places on the chance some poor sap will pass by and get the fright of their life. They hide in bushes, in garages, in huts, on roofs, in the water, and even underneath pregnant women. At one point a zombie follows a woman up the stairs. To kill and eat her? No! To push her into the water, those zombies and their wacky sense of humour!

There is plenty of gore though. Limbs are hacked, wounds ooze green pus, and there's much in the way of flesh eating and people getting their faces mushed in. There's nothing to match the originals eyeball piercing, but if bad make up effects are your bag you won't be let down.

All this and I've not even mentioned the awful music, the inexplicable flying zombie head, the scientist whose acting actually manages to stand out as REALLY bad, or the final chilling punchline.... in an ingenious twist on the originals radio station being overrun by zombies, Zombi 3 gives us an actual zombie DJ!! "He's gone over to their side!" our escaping hero's cry, before vowing to continue fighting against the undead in a sequel that sadly never came.

Zombi 3 is rubbish - it would be no loss to the world if every single print was destroyed and all records of it's existence erased, yet somehow I feel my life is richer for having seen it.

Did I say richer? I meant 88 minutes shorter...

Zombie Review #2

**Spoilers**

I saw some of this years ago, but got tired and gave up, and have only now gone back to revisit a film whose box promises that my "TEARING FLESH WILL SCREAM FOR DEATH!". The visit was prompted by a depressing night spent watching the new Dawn of the Dead remake after which my equally disappointed friends lent me this to restore my faith in zombie films, and by god if it didn't work.

Sadly it's an old VHS copy from the days when the British censors just didn't see the funny side of zombies biting off womens breasts (we're STILL waiting for an uncut version of Zombie Flesh Eaters dammit), so all the good stuff is cut, but in a strange way it doesn't really matter, as what makes this film so entertaining is less the zombies than the characters - and that's pretty rare. (This film IS now available uncut in the UK on DVD - with a directors commentary! I think I'm going to have to go shopping...)

The film takes place in Manchester, England, but in a rural part seldom seen in British films and TV (mind you, it's possible it wasn't filmed there at all, but I'll take it on trust) and sees our young hero (a hippy antiques dealer - no, really) battling corpses re-animated by the evils of "subsonic radiation". Just to make things even worse, the hippy hating local police detective just won't believe him and brands him a satanist murderer!

While the zombies are very much in the Romero style, the film is more of a mix of 50s sci-fi horror, and 60s "rebellion", using the fears of both modern technology and oppressive authority figures to terrify our tearing flesh into screaming for death. Of course, the fact that the characters (and much of the dialogue) seem to have wandered in from an episode of the Sweeney probably won't help chill you to the bone, but it certainly makes the film a lot more entertaining. There was obviously quite a low budget, as there aren't that many zombies, not too many locations, and well, not that much actually happens - the pacing is very similar to the aforementioned Zombie Flesh Eaters but, as in that film, what does happen is often priceless.

My favourite scene has the hero (yes, I've forgotten his name) escaping arrest by throwing a towel in a coppers face and jumping out the window (no wonder England in the 70s was so crime ridden and over-run by zombies, these guys are useless). Also, the fact that the cause of all the trouble is 2 old blokes in a field with a special hi-tech tractor is pretty great, and of course the film climaxes with the sort of grisly, downbeat, zombie apocalypse every classic of the genre must have.

I'm not sure I'm doing a good job of getting across what's good about this film, and there's certainly a lot that's bad. The behaviour of the zombies makes absolutely no sense, with the lead zombie (yes there's a lead zombie, and he's a tramp!) mysteriously appearing and disappearing, and covering large distances in strangely short periods of time. Not to mention that, despite the dead being brought to life by ungodly frequencies, there's a scene where the tramp brings other corpses back by wiping his blood on their foreheads???? Then there's the often painfully slow pacing, and while director Jorge Grau shares that with Lucio Fulci, he lacks Fulci's strange urge to see zombies fighting animals, which is certainly a shame. I can't help liking this movie though - It's no masterpiece, but overcomes it's limitations with some often excellent photography, decent zombie attacks, and the fact that, despite the grimness of the story, it's really very funny and has an authentic English 70s-ness that I find immensly appealing, even down to pointless appearance of a streaker. Yeah, in a time of crummy MTV style pop promo's disguised as horror films, Living Dead at the Manchester Morgue is keeping it real. Word.

Zombie review #1

*Possible Spoilers (but if you're smart you WON'T WASTE YOUR TIME WATCHING THIS RUBBISH*

So yeah, I was pretty disappointed by this film, and my expectations weren't really all that high to begin with. At most I thought I'd get a cheesy but enjoyable action movie (I'd already resigned myself to the fact that this wasn't going to be a real zombie flick), but this film completely failed to live up even to that limited standard.

There's so much to drone on about what's wrong with this wretched botch job that I may as well start with what I DID like: The first ten minutes - fantastic, as good a bit of cinematic chaos as anyone's ever pulled off. And there's some nifty business near the end with a chainsaw and a car park that's full of 100s of zombies. This scene almost threatens to save the film but sadly the zombie apocalypse a few brief shots promise never comes. It's like seeing a porn film that offers the merest glimpse of the most beautiful woman you've ever seen, then cuts to a ten minute sequence of boring, annoying people doing nothing but bore and annoy you - and then it ends.

Zombie films are a lot like porn in some ways - the basic ingredients write themselves, and it's quite hard to completely screw it up, even on a limited budget. Even the really bad old Zombie films have some entertainment value (ie: zombies eating people and shambling about to terrible synth music) but this film doesn't include ANY of the staples of the genre. Not one scene of a character having their innards/brains exposed and eaten, not one scene of zombies losing limbs but THEY STILL KEEP COMING COS THEY'RE THE LIVING DEAD AND THEY DON'T NEED NO ANKLES!!!! HAVE THESE PEOPLE NO RESPECT FOR THE CLASSICS? They even have a dog in the film and never it have it a) have a fight with zombies or b) be a ZOMBIE DOG!! Talk about your missed opportunities.

Pah, and I haven't even started on the poor dialogue and characterisation (it's true zombie films don't exactly have a good track record for this, but this is meant to be Dawn of the Dead right?), crummy "action" scenes that substitute the good ol' shaking camera for any real tension or thrills, the crass use of rock music, the fact that every single "shock" in the film is so damned cheap (she's not just a zombie, she's a fat ugly old zombie OOOOOOOOH) and then there's the complete lack of regard for the original film, the characters in this film, and hey, the intelligence of the audience! It's the triple wammy!

Trust me here, I haven't even scratched the surface of what I hated about this film, but several of the other points have been made in some other reviews (although I will mention this one - what on earth is the point in the muslims glimpsed in the opening credits? To show it's a "worldwide phenomenon"?? HOW?? All you see is people praying in a mosque, which, and I don't mean to scare any of you with this idea, could even be in the good old U.S of A, and there are no other nationalities shown in the sequence. Seems more like another cheap shot - show a clip of something some people are presently afraid of to try and get them jumpy cos there's nothing in the film that can do the job on it's own merits)

This is the without a doubt the most worthless cinema experience I've ever had and that includes Superman 4, Police Academy 5 and Alien Resurrection, and is the first time I've ever felt like walking out of a film because I was literally chewing my fist in frustration at the mind numbing dreck taking place in front of my poor, suffering eyes.

To sum up - this is a horror film that has a scene where a zombie woman gives birth to a zombie baby that is neither scary, disturbing, disgusting or even funny. AND EXACTLY WHAT'S THE POINT IN THAT?????