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Prometheus (2012)
Gigantic Waste of Time
You think Ridley Scott, you think drama, excitement, scares. But not here. The story makes no real sense at all. Promising characters come to nothing (David), old monsters come creeping out from Alien, the token love story ends badly.
The whole thing is lit by a 25 watt bulb to hide, I suppose, a schlocky set. It seems Ridley has phoned this one in. Even the lovely Charlize Theron comes across as a robotic Rhine Maiden, and she's one of the more interesting characters.
Our female scientist reveals an amazing amount of grit: undergoing major abdominal surgery without anesthetic, then, with no time to rest or eat, off to fight the bad guys and run all over our mystery planet.
The main premise of the movie is totally ludicrous. We must find our ancestors on this whatever planet to tell us why they created us. Obviously, God had nothing to do with it. Problem is, they're all dead. So much for finding the key to eternal life.
Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri (2017)
WARNING! This film can be boring!
What? Boring? Not according to the critics who can't seem to praise it enough. For them, it's full of pathos, violence, and rough guffaws.
The film does have all this but also plenty of something else -- long, sloooow shots of nothing and people staring into space for 15 seconds before they say the next line. Not just now and then. Almost ALL THE TIME! Apparently this is the way critics know that we are looking at an Art Film and not just some tedious popcorn movie. To them, dead space equals depth.
I gave it a 6 because the acting is terrific and the unexpected twists are more than welcome. I deducted points for certain twists that just didn't add up: burning down a police station and nearly killing a man earns a shrug after hearing a highly unlikely alibi? Don't think so.
And the ending! Take the two least likely people to buddy up and go on a revenge craze on someone who had nothing to do with the daughter's murder. Cute, huh? I think the director stopped every 20 minutes or so and asked himself, "What is the most improbable and outrageous thing that can happen next?" Then he wrote it into the script -- with plenty of loooong pauses so we could appreciate all the depth.
Man Up (2015)
Who Let This Dog Out?!
I paid money for this one because the critics were bandying about words like "clever, refreshing and exceedingly charming" and "frequently laugh-out-loud funny." I love Simon Pegg and, until now, have never been disappointed in him. The actress was quite talented and if facial gymnastics alone could make a movie, she would have made this one.
The problem was the script. Clichéd. Forced. Tedious. And above all, NOT FUNNY. To me, this one was cringe-worthy, not a chuckle-fest. My husband agreed so we bailed early.
If it got better later on, it still wasn't worth sitting through until then.
Midsomer Murders: Last Man Out (2017)
Poor Midsomer has become ridiculous!
Let's take the above comments first. Whoopee Ben Jones is back? Well, I'm female and I say better he should have stayed in Brighton. Such a hangdog scruffy mess of a man I've rarely seen. At a certain age (and Jason Hughes IS at that age) a 5-day old beard doesn't make a man look raffish, it makes him look like a bum! Now, this series with the new Barnaby has had some serious plot issues all along. I especially hate the "damsel tied to the railroad tracks" ending they seem to force on us. In this one, Ben is strapped upright to some sort of frame (railroad tracks not being handy?) with the old lady (very old -- how did she get him up there?) ready to flail him with a cricket bat. (And this after a different S&M scene that was truly laughable).
Another weakness is lack of motive. There have to be at least 3 corpses in every show whether it makes any sense to kill them or not. In this show, the old bat was going to kill Ben because she THOUGHT HE MAY HAVE NOTICED THAT HER FAVORITE CRICKET BAT WAS MISSING OFF THE WALL!! (He hadn't noticed.) This happens every episode. There really isn't any plot or character development to speak of. Just bodies piling up and a very overworked coroner.
P.S. I was always a big fan of the original Ben Jones and Barnaby.
Don't Breathe (2016)
A Tidy Little Thriller
I admired the pacing, the surprises and general flow of action, all tied up at the end with a pretty ribbon. But the movie somehow left me flat.
Thinking back to classics like Vertigo and North by Northwest, I realized that character does matter even in a Boo movie. At first I liked the idea that we jumped right into the action without a lot of buildup, but then the characters started to feel 2-D.
The girl Rocky wasn't convincing as an abused teen turned bad. She had Good Girl, not Bad Girl, makeup and hair. Alex was a Good Guy with no personality whatsoever. The blind guy was great, though.
The other problem was basic lack of plot. Yes, we don't get Wuthering Heights at a screamfest, but the repetition, albeit with twists, as one critic pointed out, was like a dance. Wham! Wham! Scuttle scuttle scuttle. Wham! Wham! Scuttle scuttle scuttle. It reminded me of a Punch and Judy show.
In spite of the adroit direction, there were odd lapses. SPOILER! In one scene the blind guy is standing over Alex with giant garden shears - then dives for his belly. In a scene not longer afterward, Alex hugs his belly briefly, then gets up and walks around as usual - no hole in gut.
Rocky falls on her head down a steep ventilation shaft but has no broken bones. Not even a concussion. These are hardy teens! Don't Breathe is worth the admission but not worth all the hype.
The Shallows (2016)
A Total Ocean Experience
I agree that Shallows is almost as good as Jaws. Plus, the incredible cinematography by Flavio Labiano is 100 times better than Jaws. I was IN that ocean -- the warmth of the sun, the coolness of the water, the sound of being underwater, the crash of the surf -- I never had so good a swim while sitting down! I am disappointed that so many critics turned up their noses. I guess they don't understand that a good Summer Movie is primarily FUN. As a woman, I winced a little at Blake's skimpy bikini, especially on that jagged coral. I was intrigued by her ingenious efforts to survive and defeat the shark. And I did fall in love with the seagull.
Yes, the ending was pretty unbelievable, but so what. It was a gorgeous ride.
A Bigger Splash (2015)
A very little splash indeed
I almost walked out halfway through. My gut was telling me that nothing of real interest was going to happen in this movie. My gut was right.
Still I stayed. The most interesting thing I could find was Tilda Swinton's fine bones and swirling costumes. Was the scenery gorgeous? Well, I live in San Diego and I was not impressed.
Were the characters compelling? Not Adam and Eve in the Garden but the snake, aka Ralph Fiennes, had his moments. Yes the performance was bravura but for me it was de trop and at times I wished I could step into the frame and hit him on the head with a large hammer.
The nymphet sulked prettily in corners and had her moment in the sun (fully exposed like all of these actors). I honestly believe all the director cared about was watching people have sex and more sex.
After Eden had become a snake pit, a bad thing happened. The very thing we knew from the beginning would happen. Ho hum.
That critics could find this movie enthralling, suspenseful and amazing is a mystery to me. Maybe they just like watching people have sex.
Morlang (2001)
The Heart of an Artist
Having spent some time in the art world, I thought those scenes in the film were very convincing and provided a clue to what was really going on behind that bland smile of Morlang.
Artists can be ruthless, especially as they focus on their own interests, pushing aside the needs of loved ones. People were always asking Morlang to "give me something" and all he had to give was his art.
The actors were wonderful and the photography great but I had trouble with the erratic direction. The story seemed at times to take on a Hitchcock quality, but not as deftly done as the master. That's too bad because, in spite of all the artiness and spousal angst, this is primarily a suspense film.
It's hard going at times, but worth it if you like mysteries and surprise endings. The heart of an artist can be very black indeed!
Ich seh, Ich seh (2014)
Why, Mommy, Why?
For those who haven't seen it: It's not that bloody or horrific. It's more mysterious and ominous.
SPOILER AHEAD: For those who have seen it: I have some questions for Mommy.
1. Why did you get naked in the woods and whirl your head around like the Exorcist? 2. Why were you so cold to your son after the accident, especially when he had lost his beloved companion? 3. If your head and face were that badly damaged, how come you didn't have even a scratch on the rest of your body? 4. Why did you swallow the giant bug that crawled into your mouth and not wake up? 5. Why didn't you know your son's favorite song? Well I guess you know where I'm going with this. Mommy was actually mutating into a giant Madagascar spitting beetle and sonny found out and killed her before she could multiple (remember the online dating ad?)
Side Effects (2013)
Being Fooled is Part of the Fun
I read an article that said that, with Side Effects, Steven Soderbergh wanted to return to the old suspense classics like Jagged Edge and much of Hitchcock, psychological twisters that aren't made much anymore.
I suspect that's because today people expect vampires, car chases or buckets of blood to justify the price of a ticket. Well, I too remember those old classics and I loved them. Side Effects is a worthy addition but be warned that it's a thinking person's movie not a chainsaw caper.
I'm surprised that so many people mention the twists and turns. Yes, there are some but not that many and they're what makes it all so fascinating. You think you know what's happening -- but you don't! What I especially enjoyed was the gamesmanship the different characters displayed. It's like a chess match with three people and more to kibitz.
And yet as we travel through the story, the surprising bits do make sense and we wonder why we didn't think of those things before. We're deep into the heart of mental illness and psychopathology. Almost every character has secrets or hidden motives they would not like to see the light of day. Although the main character seems at first to be the troubled young wife, it becomes clear that it is Jude Law's character as the shrink who is struggling to find the truth and do the right thing.
Just when you think everything that can go wrong for him has, the tide begins to turn and it's Oh My Gosh. Just like a Hitchcock film, you have a guy to root for and wonder how he will ever work his way though. I expected a different -- more startling -- ending, but there is the promise (perhaps?) of more horror to come.
Yes, let's definitely have a sequel! Okay, Stephen?