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Post Impact (2004)
Worst Dean Cain movie since...never mind
What a terrible movie this was. The only reason I rented it, was because I got a job at Blockbuster and I get 10 free rentals a weeks.
Couple of things about this movie: -Apparently they forgot how to COUNT past 2010, and started all over again at 03 P.I. (Post Impact) - how clever. But wouldn't that screw up all the computer networks that these poor post impact citizens are still highly conveniences with? -I guess Dean Cain was the only guy who couldn't find a razor after this post apocalyptic asteroid hit earth, or at least a month before the camera crew showed up. All of the extras and other actors are freshly shaven, except for Dean who looks like he pulled a Beavis & Butthead and glued hair to his face.
-The 'ice' was terrible, whoever headed the arts department must have been blind. At times the ice looked like bricks with cloth on them, and other times it looked like Saran Wrap.
-It's negative 53 degrees C, yet they walk around this barren winter wasteland with little toques on...they don't even cover their faces. At those temperatures, your skin would frost bite in 2 minutes...but don't worry, Dean Cain's 'beard' will provide sufficient warmth, and if it doesn't the terrible 'jokes' in the movie will take your mind off the suck.
-Terrible acting & writing. The characters spent more time with small talk than they did with dramatic dialogue, seriously, they do an awful lot of small talk, even at the climax of the movie, they small talk.
-The united states, although not affected, has renamed itself as the 'National United Northern States' or NUNS, how dumb is that.
-The guy that played a blind man is a terrible actor. He's looking all around as if he doesn't know where his daughter is, when she's holding his head and speaking directly to his face.
-The rest of the world casually assumes that nobody lives in Berlin (where the comet struck) anymore, and that's how they explain it too. "We didn't think anyone was alive, so we didn't bother sending rescue missions." -All these 250 survivors living in tunnels or whatever somehow managed to scrape enough P.I. Currency together to buy some new coats and barrels to burn their fuel source (beats me) in. The barrels are BRAND NEW, shiny and red...doesn't add to the 'barely surviving in a harsh winter desert for 3 years' feel they were going for.
-The gun sound effects sound like something from an old western movie. The WORST sound in a feature, seriously.
-Apparently gun shots don't hurt that much in 3 P.I., as Dean Cain gets shot in the kidney and the knee, but it doesn't effect him...Dean, you're not superman anymore.
OK I could go on forever, this movie is the pits, 1 out of 10, only because I can't go lower. It's so boring and terrible, it felt like I watched a 3 hour movie...but truthfully I only finished it so I could write this review.
The only thing this movie had going for it was the fact that there wasn't any gigantic snakes...but they made up for that with terrible computer effects and CGI that looks like it came out of the late 80s...along with the rest of the props for the high tech 2013 missile base that downgraded itself when the comet struck.
I'd go on more, but there's a word limit of 1000, don't bother renting it unless you work for Blockbuster like me and get the rentals free - and don't waste the bandwidth trying to download it.
Shredder (2001)
Weak Movie with Poor Characters that Had potential
This movie was alright. Wait a second, no it wasn't. The killer was pretty obvious, and the typical carefree teens who just want to party is so overdone. The movie was so bad, watching the bad character progression and listening to the poor audio quality hurt worse than the dumb ways the characters were killed.
This is one of those movies where you have to suspend your disbelief for the majority of the film. One of the girls get's strangled by her own scarf on the chair lift, and rotates around a good 5 times. Nobody on the hill or at the bottom of the lift seems to notice.
The only character that you end up liking gets knocked out in a stupid car accident, proving she's just as dumb as the rest of them, which diminishes any redeeming quality for that character. The kill offs her, and then she magically comes back to life to save the day.
Bad B movie, I thought it was in the 'comedy' section because it was a parody or had jokes, but nope, the only thing that makes this movie funny is the fact that it sucked so bad.
The acting was alright and if this was a student film I'd say it was good...the poor sequences of time jump editing also made this one hard to enjoy, oh and the sound track was bad...the suspenseful music helped a little bit, but not enough to giving it a passing grade.
4 out of 10
Psycho Cop (1989)
Worse Movie Ever. 10 out of 10!
I guess there was a trend in the late 80s of making horrible movies. The film industry was booming, and in order for movies like Jaws to do good, movies like Psycho Cop had to be made.
This movie is devoid of any thread of invested time. It seems like the writer/director (Wallace Potts) thought of the idea, wrote it, and filmed it all in the same weekend.
For this reason, it is hilarious! This 'horror' film is the funniest of it's genre. All because they were seriously trying to make a good movie. They thought they were doing a good job, and that's why it's funny. All through our history, humor has come from failure...and this movie is the epitome of that philosophy.
In the basic common sense, logic and continuity departments, this movie scores a 0 out of 10. Scenes magically switch from day to night, cans of soup go missing and cause more alarm than friends going missing, and - although there's no nudity - characters bathe together for unknown reasons.
The killer is a cop who goes psycho - this shown in the opening sequence by him washing his hands in blood, presumably that of the innocent - and one by one he slaughters all of the stereotypical teens who 'just want to party'.
Except for two. 2 of the idiotic, horribly acted characters manage to catch on in time and live - and you can tell which ones by their matching tight jeans and plaid button up shirts. The stereotypical 'jock' and the stock 'paranoid girl' find a way to outsmart psycho cop and kill him...WITH A TREE THROUGH THE CHEST.
First of all, the big strong jock gets slapped and faints 3 times while psycho cop beats the crap out of his girlfriend, then out of nowhere he gets an inhuman burst of strength, upon which point he picks up a conveniently cut and place LOG and impales psycho cop with it. I'm sorry, but not even adrenaline has the ability to make a blunt log go THROUGH a person.
Psycho Cop has the bleuest of cheesy lines. Folks, his kill lines are Moose Cheese. For some reason, he quips "How's the weather?", to a police officer before he kills him. To the young muscly Groundskeeper who just wants his trusty axe back - which we can tell by the CLOSEUP OF A SPRAY PAINTED OUTLINE OF AN AXE IN HIS TOOL SHED - psycho cop raises the axe to his head, at which point the groudskeeper says, "It can't be" (as if he knew about him). To this, crazy old Officer Joe Vickers replies "but it is" and heaves down on the groundskeeper's face...the brave groundskeeper doesn't even let out a scream.
HOWEVER, back at the cabin, the teens are listening to music, and the one with HEADPHONES ON takes them off and says, "I think I just heard someone scream." I guess she was watching another version of the movie, in which they noticed OBVIOUS CONTINUITY ERRORS and fixed them.
I could write a novel on the Psycho Cop experience, but I'd rather if you watched it with your loved ones and made fun of it yourself. It really is worth the money if you can find it online. I'm currently writing a movie inspired by this horrible film, and I'm filming it in the summer of 2005. Hopefull you might one day see my movie and think, "Wow, this is as bad as Psycho Cop."