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darren_boe
Reviews
Stay (2006)
All said and done, not so bad.
The beginning of this film was slow and bit painful to get through as the film quality is shoddy and the writing seems sophomoric at best. The fiancé is hard to watch as honestly if he was on fire I believe he was in pain.
The ancillary characters in this movie make the movie infinitely more watchable. Linda and her boyfriend make you want to spend more time with them than the movie felt necessary sadly.
Half way through the movie picks up and rolls along decently. But my love of the friend Linda and her boyfriend goes on unsatisfied. Just be wary of the first 45 mins though as again the pacing crawls.
Hobgoblins (1988)
Its stuck in my head and the only way its coming out is with a bullet!!!
With three exclamation points you know I'm serious. The movie could have been the 'so bad its good' type if I didn't have a strong desire to punch the actors in the face. From now on they need to do a quick punchability test before allowing people to be in movies. Walk them through a public area and ask people to rate how badly they want to punch the actor in the face (1-10 scale), its hard to take anyone seriously while you are thinking about how satisfying it would be to punch him in the face.
The plot isn't really worth mentioning outside of the fact that at one point the guys in the movie face off in a battle of masculinity by swinging rakes at each other. I was going to attempt something humorous about the rake fighting but I thought the fact that they were rake fighting is funny enough. No need to call the retarded kid stupid I guess. I fail to understand any of the character but I suppose its all for the better. One girl is a prude and yet her boyfriend stays with her? One girl is a slut but has a puchability rating of 8.4 not to be confused with her hitability rating of a mere 4.2, sad. The macho guy as proved via mild garden tool swinging is a pain in the ass military guy with a Scooby-Doo van. Finally the main character is a skinny kid who needs to brush up on his rake skills and has a shocking punchability of 9.8!! nearly perfect for face punching! Then some other stuff happens and it all sucks That's all
Troll 2 (1990)
I have to tighten my belt one notch to avoid the pain!!
Sweet sweaty poopsicles (yes I meant poop) Alright this is the second best movie about a family exchanging houses with a strange farmers family so they can "live like peasant did a 1000 years ago" I can remember. Well I'm not sure how much of what it took them to come up with an idea like that but they never seemed to run out of terrible ideas. The "acting" is astoundingly soul rapeingly bad. Well the 8 year old is the only one you can't tell is reading his lines off the napkin they were written on. The dead grandfather seems to pop by whenever the hell he feels like it and does things like freeze time for 30 seconds so the kid can pee on dinner and will occasionally hand out Molotov cocktails. I'm not sure if they really thought they would make a good movie out of the idea that there is a town of vegetarian goblins run by a witch thing powered by a magical rock of power from stone hinge (spelling?). Vegetarian goblins of course won't eat you until you eat their green crap that will either turn you into more green crap or a plant
WTF? Every once in a while you will catch yourself paying attention to the plot and you will start to cry. It's one of those movies that goes well with alcohol or anything mind altering.
Zombi 3 (1988)
sweet lord all mighty
Simply wow
after the first 20 minutes or so I was contemplating gouging my eyes out. I am a huge zombie fan and own everything I can find I am also a huge cheesy/bad movies fan and a serious glutton for movie pain. This however is inexcusable!! What the hell where they thinking not following the first Zombi 2 path of zombies in the main land now and the possibility of something descent? Even Zombi 4 (afterdeath) just gave up and went all out with crap and cheese to make a pseudo comical event out of it. This couldn't make up its mind weather or not to be funny or
lk;jsdfalksdflkjsfdlkjljk;lqib god it hurts I'm angry I just spend 90 minutes watching this trash and it felt like it was 3 hours long. It was like watching some skinny white guy trying to rap about his type-R, sad and confused but more uncomfortable then funny. Just get biozombie and stop trying to hold Fulci up as great, he really isn't that amazing. Happy hunting
After Death (Oltre la morte) (1989)
It's like watching the special Olympics drunk... i love it!
Well this isn't a good movie by any stretch of the imagination and you will find yourself asking what the hell is going on a lot. But hey it didn't put me to sleep and I will most likely watch it again sometime. The dialogue and
well everything was amazingly poor i'm not sure if the intention was to confuse us all or if that was accomplished with sheer ineptitude but either way it hardly takes away from the plot
whatever that was. They like to use the excuse of "I don't know why" a lot too in the movie. All the zombies are dressed in black cloth and they will talk every once in awhile. The first zombie we see is chased down and beaten up by one of the characters. We don't know why he does this and seeing that they hadn't seen or known about the zombies yet it made little sense why they just came to a foreign land and beat then hell out of the first person they saw. At some point there where a bunch of people with guns that die in the first 1-2 minutes mostly from trying to attack the zombies by hand while holding the loaded guns (its hard to fight while holding guns?) then they all die and we see another couple running with a 4 year old so like any good mother she gives her daughter a necklace and tells her to run so we are treated with about 10 minutes of a little girl running in the grass. Fast forward about 20 years or maybe not this is only talked about once and we have no idea how or why or WTF!!!! Why ANY OF THAT HAPPENED OR CRAP WHAT AHHHH
sorry So then there are some people from some science thing? I don't know exactly they didn't like to waste a lot of time on character development. Anyways they find a nice little book with "book of the dead" written on it with a magic marker (the same one the script was written with actually) so of course they decide that no harm could be brought by reading the magic words that open gates of hell. For those of you that love continuity they latter use fire to scare the zombies away so I think we all have the wrong idea of hell. But don't worry almost everyone here is killed off by zombies who love to strangle. So then some mercenaries show up because their boat
"I don't know why" just floated into the island (man I love this stuff) and then zombies attack randomly. At one point someone was bitten (names are given out sparingly) and some other guy runs up to him and asked "who did this to you?"
Brilliant. There are a lot of scenes I think were actually just them hanging out but got left in the movie. Lots of them standing there in makeup and holding the guns not doing anything and just starring at the zombies 5 feet away. Its great and I loved this movie I loved the cinematic sodomy.