Reviews

Another simplistic example of modern film dumbing down the supernatural into a special-effects-laden emptiness of worth.

This is a supernatural version of your typical status-quo rivalry.

All vampires are prissy spoiled brats; all werewolves are poor homeless sewer-dwellers.

FORGET WHATEVER ARCANE METAPHORS EITHER OF THESE SUPERNATURAL CREATURES ACTUALLY SYMBOLIZED; just boil it down to your most basic class-struggle metaphor. Oh, and pretend that there's no magic in the supernatural. They're as vacuous as you. They have their convenient gadgets to one-up the others' clique. How magical.

Far from the mystical, mysterious cloak of legend, this movie reduces vampires and werewolves to the easy frivolity of rich versus poor.

The "mythology" of either is simplified for film purpose. Snobby vampires who apparently shop at Hot Topic and drink the equivalent of bottled water - they live in a security-laden modern palace and get blood from (how lame) hospital blood banks.

The wolves - well, you can't like them because they're not fashionable- (and the movie really doesn't care to develop them) - they have no appeal either (assuming we're supposed to like the spoiled-brat vampires, or the personality-free "heroine").

Wow, that Kate Beckinsale sure can jump off buildings! Over and over again. And then some more.

You really get a sense that someone liked "the Matrix" a bit too much, copied the style, pitched it, but no one (surprise) wanted to produce it. So, LAST MINUTE, they decided, "Okay, how about if the bad guys are werewolves! and the good guys are vampires!...please!!!"

And someone, as dumb as you, actually bought it.

I REALLY didn't give a d*mn!!!!!

I watched this as a child with my parents who wanted to introduce me to the classics. I fell asleep then.

Much like Dickens, I realized later that this was something to re-examine, post-education. I was fully in a mindset of eager treasure-hunting, film-wise (I assumed I'd appreciate this as the "masterpiece" it's said to be), but sadly I realized that, while this is a good film, it's certainly not worthy of the time-honored accolades it's amazingly managed to accumulate.

As an American History major, I appreciate the period. The characters are, however, thinly-drawn caricatures trapped in a lingering melodrama.

The acting is over-the-top, unconvincing. The interpersonal relationships are soap-opera material at best.

Too many people simply assume that, just because a film is an epic LENGTH, it's an actual epic. The wasted sequences of pomp are overwhelmingly unnecessary and yawn-worthy. Nearly detestable.

Much like "It's a Wonderful Life," this film wastes a multitude of your life ( and expectation) on minutae; seems void of competent editing, yet STILL MANAGES TO BE UNINVOLVING!

I tried to enjoy it! These characters remain unrelatable, despite so much extraneous camera time. Nothing timeless here.

I really tried, but I just didn't give a d*mn.

Life Time TV corny pseudodrama geared at men.

Same old cheese from the TV movie flashback perspective...

The loving, Hallmarky spouse and kids waiting at home (our protagonist wishes he'd spent more time with them, boohoo) and before that, just how the love connection ever even happened (Awwww!), cut to the buddy relationships; the stereotypical non-effort of how everyone bonded over drunken sentiment and now thy're friends forever.

Corny TV-movie melodrama with a bigger budget.

Let's not forget the overall drama - your womany movie of the week, just some genius decided this formula could adapt more profitably to the big screen if, instead of the Damsel-in-Distress, how about someone more interesting as the damsel (and firemen are of course infinitely more fascinating and respected than housewives), Hey! how about a man?

He can be the formulaic copy! - in simple dramas like this, everyone's a stereotype anyway!- Just use a sentimental fireman instead of a sentimental woman - It'll work! Guys will even like it!

Just don't bother with this. I mean (REALLY) Guess what happens. Then wait a couple months and catch it on LifeTime.

The most mind-numbingly dull, simplistic (masked as complex) take on the "modern supernatural" since Underworld or Van Helsing.

Keeping in tune with the blockbuster special-effects-versus-plot! trend, this film blatantly glosses over any and every theoretical and philosophical element for the sake of corny "satire?" - Keanu Reeves just happens to have access to a divine arsenal (conveniently provided by a marginal DULL character - a movie about that guy would have been far more interesting), and how about that nightclub where you have to read cards clairvoyantly for admittance? Is that supposed to be funny, or satirical, or like a snobby country club?

I don't even want to get started on Gabriel. Yes, angels are allegedly androgynous, but a crossdressing woman? Does anyone idealize heaven that way? I'd settle for togas rather than neckties (frivolous touch).

Keanu Reeves is pathetic and ironically soulless, indifferent . However, you're supposed to see him as an unlikely jaded victim who becomes a hero. PROBLEM: he has absolutely no personality, no presence whatsoever. He's entirely incidental. We're supposed to "like"/PITY him because he has cancer. Other than that -and his whiny sufferings about being in communication with divine forces (poor guy!), he's got no real personality WHATSOEVER! One of the worst-drawn movie characters in recent history.

And it's a long movie. There was time for development, but someone decided that audiences needed more stupid vagaries of people instantly visiting special-effects hell JUST BY TAKING A BATH! (FYI: I've bathed since infancy and never been transported to another realm; this doesn't work).

A perfect film. Strong characters, wonderful animation; a rarity. It manages to be real; it actually CAPTURES the totality of its components without catering to any audience.

It's a difficult film to watch. You suffer alongside, vicariously. The hardships portrayed here are viciously painful. You'll hug your pets tight and be glad they wound up as your pets.

This movie is very special - considering the content, it could have easily been pandering and preachy. It manages to go so far beyond anything you've ever experienced. It's quite an achievement on every level.

It won't leave you happy, but it will affect you permanently. It is emotional, but never manipulative. It's a tragic and unrecognized masterpiece.

Do you know what "satire" means? Check your dictionary, stupid.

Rob Zombie takes all the elements of 70's horror and infuses it with a modern, stylized vein of perception (YOU KNOW, THE STYLIZED VIOLENCE YOU THOUGHT WAS ARTSY IN "kIll bill?")?

But no, in this flick, no one seems to appreciate the heady sarcastic viewpoint...Sure, it's gory at times, but it's a more artistic endeavor than anyone's attempted in this throwback genre.

Rob Zombie stabs at the contrivances of horror formula ; he SATIRIZES (whoops! You missed that, obviously!), he makes it artful, unusual.

Like the ill-fated protagonists, you will admittedly find yourself in a world beyond comprehension and safety and reason.

That's what horror is all about! This film WILL challenge you, it's beyond the lax standards of its genre.

My sister made me watch this. She insisted it was a contagion, a disease she was compelled to spread. After seeing it, I truly understand, relate, and recommend.

It's awful! But a transcendent awfulness...you want to pass it around like milk that might be spoiled, but everyone needs to test it anyway.

I've never laughed so much at something that isn't even trying to be remotely comedic; it's a travesty.

I'm not surprised there are drinking games built around it, but you'll be more than amused watching it sober.Yes, it's that bad! But fun - you want to see it over and over again, and force other people to watch it too. Rent it on a particularly bad day: you'll forget everything irritating in your life, and be weirdly involved in a world of badly-clad midgets; suddenly wondering if baloney sandwiches or urine could possibly be the solution... If you vote, give it a one - it truly deserves the recognition of being one of the worst movies ever.

This movie was the most disappointing case of over-hype ever! Could a plot be any flimsier? Could characters be ANY more cardboard? Could you imagine a more pathetic excuse for "chemistry?"

Imagine every cliché EVER CONCEIVED, combine them with a big ship sinking on a zillion dollar special effects budget, throw in pseudo-diva Celine Dion's lame tune and you've got "Titanic."

God, I wanted Leonardo to die! He's the overdone tragic poor boy "artist" (this gives him an excuse for the drawn-out (no pun intended!) gratuitous nude portrait scene of Kate Winslet later - really. That's the only reason he's an "artist").)

All the rich people are bad! (Except her, of course. She's supposed to be redeemed from her wealth by her "love??" for him.) But there's zero chemistry - nudity and (God, how tacky!) fogged-up windows.

Consequently, all the poor people are good!

Thank you, Titanic, for simplifying the goodness or badness of any given individual simply by their financial statuses!

I wanted everyone to die. It's the only way to justify the lost hours of my life that went into viewing this pathetic work of pseudo-art? Lifetimey "based on true incidents" crap.

Really, don't bother. It's not a timeless classic; it's dumbed-down faux romance in the midst of tragedy drivel. Spend money on the script, not the special effects, for God's sake! This is worse than a Lifetime movie of the week. I've seen after-school specials with more depth. Infomercials, even!