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SlimAdey
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The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies (2014)
Far far far far worse than I'd feared
The LOTR Trilogy was spectacular but somehow I'd missed the Hobbit so I decided to binge watch all three movies over the course of 3 nights. Having read the book a number of times in my youth I was somewhat surprised that they had made a 9 hour trilogy of this work and I set my hopes fairly low that this series would deliver. An Unexpected Journey came nowhere near my low expectation and I considered not watching The Desolation of Smaug but I did and I wasn't surprised that,if anything this film was worse than the first. My masochism must have kicked in at this point as I forced myself to watch the third and final instalment - The Battle of the Five Armies that set a new standard in awful. What the hell was this slash fest all about? I had to wind back the sequence when Thorin dies three times before I could make any sense of it I still failed. He's stabbed in an area of his chest as close to his heart as you could get yet still manages to kill his adversary and then gets up to have a walk round with no sign of a wound!! he then collapses and dies.# What was all that about? Dreadful series of films. I'm annoyed with myself that i wasted 9 hours of my life watching it.
Goal! (2005)
Same plot as Star Trek?
I remember an episode of the first Star Trek series when for some reason Captain Kirk's body started accelerating thousands of times faster than the rest of the crew so to him his crew appeared frozen in time whilst he walked around normally - this film reminded me of that episode.
Apparently at the end one of busiest football leagues in Europe, Newcastle United with 3 games to play (probably in about 10 days realistically) sign Gavin Harris (lets just skip the fact that this is not possible) and at the same time Santiago arrives in the UK.
He finds his way to Newcastle, is eventually given a trial but doesn't impress, is given another trial, which is then extended for a month, goes through a medical, kops off with the physio, works hard in training and is rewarded with a game with the reserves, has his inhaler smashed thereby making him look inept, is released by the club, gets a cab to return to America, the cab is diverted to pick up Gavin Harris who persuades the boss to give him another chance, moves in with Gavin in his penthouse apartment, trains well enough to be given another chance in the reserves and plays well enough in the reserves to be given another game, goes to watch the first team play, goes out with Gavin and is filmed in a compromising situation potentially giving his club a bad name, is thrown out of Gavin's apartment, is forgiven by the club and is listed as a substitute for Newcastle's first teams next away game, learns of the death of his father, leaves to return to America, decides against it and returns to Newcastle and is picked to start in Newcstle's final game, scores the winner in a 3-2 defeat of Liverpool.
Blimey !!!! He's a busy lad.
This film should of had a warning before the start - "for American eyes only"
Assault on Precinct 13 (2005)
Just about as unbelievable a story line as you get
Whilst a reasonable enough action movie with decent enough performances from the cast, the main problem with this film is the storyline.
I know Spiderman doesn't really exist so I don't have a problem with him being able to climb skyscrapers and I'm not scornful of Superman's ability to fly because he isn't real but I find it pretty hard to believe that some 30+ police officers in the middle of New York would willingly take part in the mass slaughter of civilians and police officers in a police station just to preserve their backhanders.
If it had been set in the future they might have got away with this storyline but set in contemporary times - its just absurd.
Out of Reach (2004)
Out of Reach - good title
Yes. Out of Reach. In fact far beyond the reach of all understanding.
Who (in their right minds) would pay to either watch a Seagal movie in the cinema or even more alarmingly , pay to hire a DVD of one of his films (bearing mind the choice in most video stores).
I thought Out for a Kill plumbed new depths of utter ludicrousness and farce and we'd possibly seen the nadir of this mans career.
I was wrong.
(by the way did you know that Steven Seagal appeared in Troy? - if you look closely at the Trojan Horse he plays one of the legs)
(oh........one more thing - does anyone know if there's a Steven Seagal fan club and why?)
Dead Birds (2004)
Why such a low rating for this film?
Anyone reading the rating for this film (5.6) would assume this is a slightly better than average horror flick.
In fact its only the way IMDb calculates the weighted average that gives it such a low score - the median average is 6.6 which still too low for this film.
This is a way above average horror flick.
Setting the action in the time of the American Civil War works brilliantly. The story moves at a delivered tempo due to the excellence of the largely unknown cast, the spooks are spooky, the shocks are shocking but the real tour de force is the soundtrack.
From early on in the piece the music gives the film an edge - remorselessly maintained throughout yet never intrusive.
A high quality watch. Not a classic - not an award winner just a thoroughly enjoyable 90 minutes of escapism.
You wont be disappointed.
Out for a Kill (2003)
How could you write a spoiler for this film?
Great acting, brilliant plot, memorable dialogue, unforgettable music, inspirational directing - Out for a Kill is unquestionably none of these.
At least you've got to hand it to Steven Seagal who effortlessly maintains his unassailable position at the absolute pinnacle of the "films guaranteed to bomb" list with this non-performance in this non-film. (I was tempted to use the word wooden but trees show more expression that Seagal).
I swear, throughout this film Seagal's expression never changes.He adopts the same tight lipped expressionless face when his colleague gets shot, his wife gets blown up, he has to fight a man monkey (what the hell was that scene all about), he has to fight the obligatory several dozen Chinese Martial Arts experts armed with swords and guns who are inevitably no match for Steve who can't even be bothered to get up off his arse to fight in one scene and remains seated whilst he counters every punch and blow thrown with his greased lightening hands.
I think what happened with this film was, when they swept the cutting room floor up they mistakenly canned and released the rubbish on the floor and threw the film away. Its the only explanation as to how this 90 odd minutes of utter nonsense could have been put on general release.
Don't say you haven't been warned.
Catch Me If You Can (2002)
One Spielberg will want to forget
Tom Hanks, Leo Di Caprio, Christopher Walken, Martin Sheen, Steven Spielberg - how can you go wrong? Very easily by all accounts watching this film.
After an hour and a half I couldn't wait for the credits.
I almost sunk into a coma when after 2 hours the film appeared to be ending only for it to drag on for another 20 minutes.
With some better editing and a more cohesive plot (rather than a sequence of scenes) this film could just about get away with it, if it ran for 90 minutes.
Unfortunately none of these apply.
Into Thin Air: Death on Everest (1997)
Not enough died
I believe the book of this film is a minor classic in climbing circles - the film must rank as a minor disaster.
Watching this film left me with not one single shred of sympathy for any of the climbers who died in fact I was disappointed so many survived.
Are we led to believe that on an expedition to climb Everest one of the climbers successfully chatted up another (female) climber and we had the absurd scene of him entering her tent with the Sherpa wisely shaking his head and remarking that "the spirits of the mountain will not be pleased"? Is it likely that ANY climber on ANY mountain whilst sheltering in a storm with wind chill temperatures of -100F would take his balaclava and gloves off as did at least 2 of the actors? Can someone explain how a man near death manages to see out the storm overnight WITHOUT gloves and WITHOUT anything on his head and wake up as if he's just been upstairs for a nap? Is it possible for a woman at 28,000 feet to start screaming hysterically whilst everyone around her is gasping for breath through oxygen deficiency? How unrealistic does a film have to be when you have the unbelievably absurd scene of a man being "patched through" to his pregnant wife and talking to her as if she's 3 blocks away? Does anyone believe that one of the climbers bought her own coffee making machine plus PC and desk !!!! If you want to see a film about mountaineering go and see "Touching the Void" - if you want to see a film about implausible, unrealistic and unbelievable people on a mountain then watch this rubbish.