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Otoko wa tsurai yo: Torajiro no kyuujitsu (1990)
Hopefully, It's Permanent
Tora should have taken this vacation a long time ago. Let's hope it's permanent this time. Let's hope he took the lighting crew along with him. As well as the director, the writer and the rest of the cast. Anything to give our brains a rest from this series, which is so fantastic, exciting and erotic that my brain can't stand it for very long. My heart was beating so fast that I could see my ribs oscillating through much of the series. I bought a blood pressure meter just to be sure I didn't conk out during the high-pressure chase scene in episode 22, the sex scenes in all episodes and, of course, the music was to die for.
Bitva za Moskvu (1985)
That Voice-Over!
Obviously this is propaganda, but it would have been somewhat bearable (with much assistance from my capuchin monkey on the FFWD wheel) at about 125% playback speed, if not for the obnoxious voice-over which is used for all the German-spoken dialog.
Stalin is portrayed as the coolest customer you ever encountered -- understandable, as to portray the fellow otherwise would have earned a ticket to the coldest and remotest gulag. So that aspect does offer some laughs and light entertainment, especially if in good company over some beers and other novelties.
Oh, and Stalin loved that old pipe of his, a nasty habit... there, minimum character limit met.
Silkwood (1983)
An Ad for Cigarettes?
Karen smokes so much in this movie that I felt I was getting lung cancer. In the car, at the plant, even blowing smoke over her kids as she hugs them. Will cigarette promotion in movies ever stop?
Cher must have had a major overhaul after this movie. I could hardly recognize her. All characters are depicted as having so many bad habits that there's not much to be charmed or attracted by. The acting is about average, with nobody having to do too much, apart from smoking and drinking beer. Streep's flash of her left breast felt unnecessary. A real loose cannon. Was Karen really so off the wall?
Bono & The Edge: A Sort of Homecoming, with Dave Letterman (2023)
Uninspired and Uninspiring
Phony big-them-up stuff, the typical nowadays. Each persona inflating the ego and image of the other until it gets unbearable. Use any fast-forward, capuchin-monkey-helper to get you through this very inferior content as fast as possible. That way, you don't waste too much time on insipid melodies, a near-old man prancing about, and all that. Most disappointing is the way Fintan O'Toole degrades himself to appear in this, to big-up these mediocrities. It's a sad reflection on the state of popular music today that these guys are still selling their wares to a beaten-down, bored and uninspired audience. All the phony bigging-up stuff pulls the wool over everybody's eyes and, while there's money to be made, it will go on forever. Be your own hero.
Man of the West (1958)
Book him, Danno!
Cobb must have know it was a crap venture, resorting to his frog's-croak roaring and raving, non-stop. "Ah, Link," (slaps thigh), "it's gonna be just like the old days." No, it's not, Lee J. The old days are gone for good and you forget that Gary Cooper is the good guy, belying his black hat that's in pristine condition through the entire movie. As soon as his fancy six-shooter was stolen, I knew this was gonna be a real turkey.
Consolation: Poor ol' 3-pack-a-day Julie London will make an excellent schoolmarm-bride, able to carry her make-up kit through even the harshest terrain. Nobody's ever figured out where she hides it and she's not telling.
Jack Lord and the sidekicks weren't bad, though it must have been tough for ol' Jack to play such a wimp.
American Masters: Groucho & Cavett (2022)
Novelty
I've always loved Groucho and his brothers. These were some of the first movies I watched with my kids and it was interesting to see how their zany antics still seemed fresh and appealing to children. I also liked Cavett, as he featured the more interesting kinds of people for his interviews and was less of a vacuous establishment figure than other late-night hosts.
However, Groucho's appearances on the show were, for the most part, not that interesting and were mostly a novelty act. Dick had to allow Groucho to ramble on about fairly mundane topics (like the cap he wore), and that deference to his hero detracted from the experience. Groucho was beyond challenge, beyond interruption, but his sense of humor and choice of topics was a little old-hat at this stage and there was no way for Dick to direct him.
20,000 Days on Earth (2014)
One of Those Nonentities
A film about one of those nonentities who were chosen for their nonentity. This guy Cave, along with a bunch of other singers whose names I can't remember but who pop up ubiquitously... oh, yeah, Elvis Costello, guys like that, not to mention the female nonentities, is remarkable only for the fact that he is a nonentity whose schtick is to look and sound ugly, be irritating, parade his nonentity aggressively. Oh yeah, Madonna, Gaga, the names come flooding back to me now, the crotch-waggers and assorted twerker types: all the idols of people who know nothing of music. I watched an Elvis documentary last night: now there's a guy whom I never particularly liked, yet, wonder of wonders, I do see that the guy was not a nonentity! But these people, the Caves of the world, are nothing but snake-oil salesmen, with nothing to offer.
Jeanne Dielman, 23 quai du Commerce, 1080 Bruxelles (1975)
Even 4x Playback Speed Wasn't Enough
Without a doubt, the most boring and artless movie I've ever watched. Flat camerawork, dull acting, idiotic plot.
To add insult to injury, some jokers voted this top movie of all time!
This director was one giant blind spot, without a creative idea in her head, replaying some memories of her mother in the kitchen, apparently. Simply remembering my mother in the kitchen was far more interesting.
Admittedly, the 4x playback speed gave the debacle a comedic touch, but the FFWD button is still your best friend if you are so ill-advised as to take the glowing reviews to heart. It'll take some time for me to recover from encountering this appalling waste of time.
Sting: When the Last Ship Sails (2013)
Dull, Boring
Time for this man to hang up his shipbuilding tools. Skipped through this on the BBC website and could but shake my head at the dullness of the music, the dragging pace of the vocals, the lack of interesting melodic content and the general lack of charisma in the singers. "The biggest ships in the world were built at the end of my street... immensely proud..." Blah-blah. But where's the music?
Worst of all was the alt-singer who savaged every attempt at singing with a form of dissonant shouting and general roaring. Son, this is not a shipyard and those are not hammers but musical instruments. Dreadful stuff.
The Many Saints of Newark (2021)
Mumble, Mumble, Mumble
Yet another mumblecore movie. If this is anything to go by, then audiences don't really care what actors say and simply rely on the mood and on the visuals for their entertainment. Or maybe in theaters, with the audio blasting at ear-splitting levels, the mumbling can be deciphered. Not that it matters a whole lot in the case of this particular film.
The actors lack the conviction and skills of those in the TV series. Michael Gandolfini seems a very nice man, but where is the air of menace and the complexity that made his father the perfect fit for the role? The actor playing Silvio Dante put in a risible performance. Junior Soprano, the women: all forgettable. I could go on.
All in all, a most disappointing experience and a story line that made little sense: Junior's motivation? Far too shallow to be credible, as the movie pivots on this twist of fate. The widow and the black man? Utterly implausible. This looked like an average TV series, whereas the TV series ran like a full-blooded movie in just about every episode.
For All Mankind (2019)
Booze
I had no idea that NASA astronauts were so alcohol-dependent, or that cigarettes were a constant, even in the control room at NASA. Every time they want to chill out, it's out with the smokes and off to the bar, men and women alike. Message: booze and tobacco will soothe your pain. I don't buy it. Nicotine and alcohol are just drugs that happen to be legal and this cheap trick by industry must be called out. Ruined the series for me.
Wrath of Man (2021)
What's He Saying?
Couldn't understand a word the guy said. Mumble, mumble... Even at double the usual volume, incomprehensible. At least, he could make a bit of an effort! But, no. Mumble, mumble, mumble.
The Song of Lunch (2010)
Not the Way Our Thought Processes Work
If this is stream of consciousness, working in real time, this mind/brain must have an awesome editor because, no matter how drunk the guy gets, he's remarkably clear in his production of words. To call it poetry is a misnomer. It's heavily worked over, dull prose, superficial and predictable. It looks like they knocked this thing out in a few hours, not much effort involved.
Under Capricorn (1949)
The Insufferable Ingrid Bergman
Lifetime achievement award for the worst performance of all time by an actress in a leading role. Another for the worst portrayal of a drunk in a million years. Another award for the "fancy man" "from Ireland" for playing the perfect twit.
Crimes of the Future (2022)
A Six-Minute Standing Ovation at Cannes!
What a waste of 6 precious minutes of their lives! I struggle to fill my 150-character quota here by scanning my memory for even one entertaining second from this $35-million movie. Nothing. And I watched it all the way, just so I would clarify, without a shadow of a doubt, how stupidly people squander time and treasure on exploitation and on being exploited.
The Greatest Game Ever Played (2005)
Good Movie for Kids - But Inaccurate and Confusing
The movie shows a dramatic finish in the playoff, with Ouimet sinking a putt on the 18th hole to win the Championship by a single stroke. In reality, Ouimet finished birdie/par on 17 and 18 to Vardon's bogey/double-bogey to end the playoff five strokes clear of Vardon and six ahead of Ray.
It shows Ray dropping out after the 15th hole, which is completely ridiculous, as this was stroke play, and Ray finished with a 79. Nor was Ray the overweight dude portrayed in the movie.
Raising the Wind (1961)
So Bad I Though I Was Dead
Never thought I'd write this sentence, but Kenneth Williams was the only bright spot in this stinking pile of ordure. Found the reference to this in the documentary "All You Ever Wanted to Know About Composers." The fast-forward key on my keyboard is almost worn out by now.
The Memoirs of Sherlock Holmes (1994)
Watson, Bring Your Service Revolver!
The Memoirs, for the most part, are bizarre and even tedious, compared with the earlier series. The worst aspect is the direction. Bad sound on locations, silly camera placements, artsy compositing of images that detracts from the narrative, weak and convoluted stories that feature far too little screen time for Holmes and Watson. Along with more frequent calls for Watson's trusty service revolver and some fisticuffs this time 'round, Mrs. Hudson tries to pick up the slack, and I suspect that she was probably the brains behind the operation all along! Jeremy Brett, always in my heart.
Il conformista (1970)
Neither Fish Nor Flesh
Most of these "great Italian movies" seem to have been made for middle-class folks who had missed out on the social changes of the 60s. The younger generation at the time it was made had already availed of the new freedoms, if they so wished. But for the "standard society" types, this kind of material must have seemed quite risqué and innovative. For them, this confusing wish-mash, conjured up by this director and others, must have served as a kind of one-upmanship and a reaction to the feeling of having missed out.
Poison (1991)
Disgusting & Empty
One of the more nauseating movies that I skipped through recently. No redeeming qualities. The director seems unable to tell a story without resorting to some revolting scenes ("memorable") that merely highlight the lack of even a modicum of entertainment value. Seems that the artsy crowd judge such work by the amount of torture that normal folks cannot endure.
The Return of Sherlock Holmes: Wisteria Lodge (1988)
Worst of the Lot
A very poor episode in one of my favorite TV shows. Dreadful direction, grotesque camera angles and up-nostril closeups, claustrophobic spaces with inadequate lighting.
I May Destroy You (2020)
They Didn't Even Bother
No effort whatever expended by cast or crew. Really cheap feel, all 'round. From the phony smoking (even pretending to use hash!) to the woman urinating in the toilet with the door open... Even the BBC promotes this inferior product; exploitation used to be a bit more inventive than this!
Khan Khanne (2014)
Utter Gibberish
This director has a particular knack for screwing up everything he touches. Why is it that someone with such an obvious major malfunction attains such fame? An infamous scene in one of his movies, a never-ending line of cars on the road, is hailed as some kind of progressive innovation. I later found out that he did it just to irritate the producer. If anyone other than he had made this rubbish, it wouldn't have received a second glance... even on YouTube.
The Metaphor (1980)
Thin Gruel
Waffling on and on. Vidor should have stuck to what he knew best -- whatever that was, it wasn't philosophy.
Monster in a Box (1992)
Appalling, Vacuous Crap
What was I thinking? Who, other than a close relative, would give 10 stars to this horse-manure? The guy is not even funny once. He exudes a sense of entitlement as "a witty guy," but turns out to be a bag of wind. Worse than Dinner With Andre, though I didn't think that would ever be possible. My despair for humanity would now be unendurable but for the one thing that keeps me going when all else fails: the FFWD button.