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jkutras
Reviews
Paranormal Activity 2 (2010)
The 'Wheres Waldo' of horror movies
This is one of the worst, hurry up and crank this out so we can make some more cash sequels ever. Nothing happens for nearly an hour, and when it FINALLY does it's the same sh!t that happened in the first PA. Weak acting, weak script, weak movie. A baby's mobile that moves by itself is not scary, a dog getting all worked up and barking at nothing is not scary, and finally people being dragged by unseen forces already got us in the first one. This movie was a waste of ten dollars and my time. Save your money for something original. Having to spend an hour and a half trying to 'spot the scare' sucked. The story for the sequel pokes holes in the original ( a film that clearly needed no sequel) I have been more scared watching 'Dancing with the stars'. My guess, after the big opening weekend this had there will be a third installment. Go see 'Jackass 3D' instead.
Beer (1985)
Waste of time.
Watched this piece ONDEMAND because the description was kind of outlandish. This film stinks of cocaine, the opening scene alone must have cost at least five figures in blow to film. This is a racist, homophobic piece of garbage that plods along for a good 1hr and 22mins with absolutely no direction. I am a little confused on how this has good reviews here. I won't bother telling you the plot line because as far as I can tell there is no plot. I'm pretty sure everyone showed up to the set everyday did giant lines, dressed Loretta Switt in plunging necklines to show as much flapjack breastage as possible and yelled action; letting the cast improvise in a cocaine frenzy. Much like real beer this movie nearly caused my liver to fail half way through. Save your money, and watch 'Strange Brew' instead.
Meatballs 4 (1992)
Feldman, drugs, Eraserhead.
Jack(eraser-head) Nance must have been in a bad place in life to accept this role. Feldman, what to say besides; Drug use. His solo dance sequence plays out like a vivid fever dream. Watch at the end of the film as Feldman is delivering a joke and his frigging' tooth falls out.The script is non-existent, I mean even in some of the worst T and A pictures of all time there are some chuckles to be had;not here. Most of the cast made me fighting mad with their hair do's (or don'ts as the case may be)and who in the fun*k is going to believe that people think Feldman is cool. He looks like a 12 year old who got into his mom's cross tops, he kind of reminds me of an old neighbor I hate, which makes me want to fight him even more. In the end, I can only wish bad things on the people that made this picture, I would have rather had them spend their money on hookers and hard drugs, at least then we know some professionals would have been involved.
Bibleman (1995)
Possibly the best thing i've seen in years!
A lot of people have been dissing my man BM up in here so, I am here in Mr. Aames defense. First off; The opening of the episode I saw, "Shattering the prince of pride", was a ten minute recap of the first episode (2 part story) TEN MINUTES! Now; I think Mr. Aames designed this costume while watching gay porn and Robocop in the same sitting, and furthermore I wouldn't be surprised if there was cocaine involved. Bibleman spends much of his time at a home for wayward boys, which is somewhat upsetting considering the aforementioned description of Bibleman's costume. The prince of pride is a villain straight out of a Power Rangers episode, and he has green teeth. The P.O.P uses his ego enhancing ray to make Bibleman and one of his little boy friends prideful so that they will argue over how the Bibleman comic strip will turn out. Of course this makes perfect sense that a super villain would spend most of his time trying to derail a comic strip drawn by an 11 year old. Bibleman is not alone in his theological crusade for justice, he also has a computer named U.N.I.C.E, and a sidekick named Cipher. Cipher spends most of his time kissing Biblemans ass and telling U.N.I.C.E things like; "Run your antivirus program UNICE, purge all bad data not obiedient to Christ!" I'm sure the guys at work would love to know that their computers are able to worship and have the same divine thoughts as they are, this could be a whole new break through in network security....Christware!! Anywho, Bibleman acts like an ass and realizes it's not his fault that the villain must have zapped him with some ray that caused him to be a bitch and lose focus on God. Bibleman does what you would expect any rational Christian to do, go to the bad guys fight him while quoting scripture then slaughter him, you know typical Sunday mass behavior. After that, B-man and his young buddy hammer out their differences and get the comic strip to the masses, which we are then informed has caused "Much inspiration" worldwide. I know this doesn't sound like i'm defending ole' Willie, but trust me I am a huge fan. My advice; get a bottle of Crown Royal get sh!thoused and enjoy a lesson in wild fanaticism! Did I also mention the frequent comic relief scenes? No? Well something has to be a surprise for you! Watch it now, and bow before your catalyst for the Savior; BIBLEMAN!!!!!
Body Rock (1984)
This could be the best movie of ALL time.....
I found this movie at the local used record store for $2.95, and bought it for a friends birthday. Let's begin; Lorenzo Lamas heads a breaking (I used the 'g' because Lamas does too!) crew, The Body Rock Crew. They are just a bunch of kind hearted street punks who love to express their inner turmoil through the majesty of break dancing. Now; with that said the "film" begins with Lamas and company holding up traffic whilst they pop and lock across the intersection only stopping to oogle an '80's chick in unison. Then we see the crew hanging at their local dive putting on a dance, and rap show. Lamas is the first to rap, let me TRY to describe this; Imagine you have an uncle who is all things not cool, but according to your uncle he is the epitome of cool. Now imagine he shows up at your 16th birthday party dressed like a cross between Travolta circa Carrie, and an extra from Lionel Ritchies "All night long" video and begins to rap things like "And now i'm gonna do a rap for you,i'm Chilly, from the Body Rock Crew!!" On and on it goes, Chilly eventually bangs his best friend/Dj's little sister, gets famous off of his skills (?) performs a song (Smooth Talker) blows off his "homies", falls from grace and re-connects with his crew for a final "Rapstravaganza". If you enjoy all things '80's, laughing, and Lorenzo Lamas I highly suggest you and those close to your heart check out this Rapstravaganza!!!