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Reviews
My Bloody Banjo (2015)
Indie as it should be
Review of the directors cut:
I don't know who I feel more sorry for, Peltzer or his d1ck! I loved the comically over-the-top caricatures of office bullies and various other d1ckheads. As soon as Ronnies summoned, the giggles come thick and fast, his sense of humor is offensive and grotesque and I love it! The directors cut certainly has alot more dialogue than id usually care for but its all worth it to watch Peltzer exact his revenge against his tormentors in the end. Shout outs to Vito Trigo for capturing my old managers in a gloriously over exaggerated nutshell! His scene where he encourages Lawrence Hardy (yes, THAT GUY) to kill themselves was unexpectedly dark but you couldn't help but laugh at the absurdity of it all. The gore is exactly what i would have expected from a Troma movie, cartoonish splatter and silly practical effects abound and i couldnt be happier to see it! The bathroom scene made my friend look away and almost made me turn away, almost. I couldn't help be reminded of the bathroom scene in "i spit on your grave", while not the same, it's similarly wince-inducing. Im pleased to say that the movie doesn't end with a fizzle, so lets just say "High school massacres are so...1999" and leave it at that. Highly entertaining. Who says you need millions to make a movie and entertain people?!
This is indie cinema as it should be and I cant wait to see what else Liam sh1ts out of his head-anus. EMC here we come!
The Babysitter: Killer Queen (2020)
Gutted to be honest
I was really keen to see this one after the surprisingly good first one but it just really falls flat compared to it. I try to take movies on their face value but sometimes you can't help comparing it to it's predecessor and the first Babysitter set a tone and expectation that I just wasn't feeling in this one. I didn't feel the love or passion in it. I felt like they were just fulfilling a contractual obligation more than anything. This isn't the most unwatchable movie in the world, I don't regret seeing and it certainly has its moments, but I couldn't help feeling like they should have left it as a one-off.
Maniac (1980)
Great movie!
Depraved and disturbing is a fitting description for this early 80s slasher film with some sterling work done by William Lustig who directed the movie and the master of gore himself Tom Savini who even makes a cameo appearance in one of the most infamous scenes in horror history.
Joe Spinnel also does a brilliant job of playing the mentally disturbed psychopath and reminded me a lot of Baird Stafford's brilliant performance in Nightmares (1981) which is equally as disturbed and depraved as this one. I believe "The Breather" in the satirical 'Student Bodies' (1981) was inspired by the killer in this movie too but that's just an assumption.
The killer is portrayed as both unhinged and relatively normal, at least normal enough to lure women into a false sense of security before he looses his marbels and dispatches them. This is one you must see, it's just a shame the UK version has 59 seconds of cuts, I'll probably grab an American version of this at some point.
Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2022)
I tried
Welp, I was hype to see new Texas Chainsaw Massacre movie, but within 3 minutes I shut it off and it became the second movie I ever gave a 1/10 after Demonicus (2001) . It's also the first movie I ever rated without watching the whole way through. Why? We couldn't even get 3 minutes into the movie without a hamfisted woke commentary on white people. If a movie relies on political commentary to hook you within the first 3 minutes it's dead on arrival and a pretty good indication of what's ahead.
I managed to sit though then entirety of Demonicus before I could make it 3 minutes into this. That is saying a *hell* of alot.
Netflix won't ever learn.
The Bad Guys (2022)
Had it's funny moments
My daughter didn't like the first half but started to enjoy it towards the end. I personally got a chuckle or two out of it. Essentially it's "kids animated movie #585736269" but my daughter and the kids around me seemed to enjoy it especially towards the end. Since she liked half and disliked half I'll give it a 5/10.
Not the worst way to waste your time if you ask me.
The Killbillies (2002)
It is what it is
The Killbillies (2002)
What can you say. This Australian effort was never going to attract mainstream attention and on a reported budget of $2000 what could you really expect from it. A bunch of dudes got together and decided to make a movie and the rest is history.
There isn't much gore to speak of but there's plenty of gross-out moments including (but not limited to) a zombie baby being birthed out a man's rear end, poop eating, incest and arterial spray (paint) soaking the walls; dispersed with random hallucinogenic visions which appear to have no bearing on the movie, but why should it? It's a movie of acquired taste to say the least.
It is what it is. You don't watch movies like this expecting high art. It's a movie best enjoyed with a couple friends when you've all had a few too many and/or in need of a good giggle which I'm sure was the directors intention anyway.
4/10.
Hospital Massacre (1981)
STOLE MY HEART
X-Ray 1981 (aka Hospital Massacre)
Fast paced stalk n' slash that never lets off the accelerator, a little known cult film shot entirely on location Hollywood Presbyterian Medical Center. While IMDb implies the hospital was fully abandoned the cast interviews tell a different story, that it was shot on the abandoned upper levels of a fully functioning hospital, mostly shot at night so as not to disturb the residents too much.
Playboy playmate (and respectable part-time actress) Bambi Benton gets her norks out in the name of medicine and gets mercilessly stalked by her childhood tormentor. This guy is determined to quite literally steal her heart and no doctor or innocent bystander will stop him in his mission. Besides the nefarious stalker Bambi also has to deal with some or the most oblivious doctors on earth, rude residents and one alcoholic resident who miraculously no one finds his rapey behaviour problematic in the slightest.
It's dumb, unbelievable, tongue-in-cheek and menacing all rolled into one and one of the more memorable slashers I've ever seen.
Props for the use of a coat hanger for a murder weapon 8/10.
Bloody Wednesday (1987)
Underated
Bloody Wednesday (1988)
"I don't fit. If I don't fit how can I make anything else fit?"
Explains Harry, a professional mechanic while he sits looking dumbfounded at pieces of an engine he took apart. Finding himself jobless as a result, he becomes tragic victim of circumstance, a poor healthcare system and the abhorrent nature of humankind.
This film flopped hard and received no attention afterwards except for a few limited releases, mostly on bootleg labels such as 23rd Century (the copy I own). Given its title and the tagline "You'll pray for Thursday" it's easy to see how audiences went into this expecting the next Texas Chainsaw Massacre and left extremely disappointed. What they missed was a very low budget but extremely clever psychological movie.
The directors vision is simple. Mental health left unchecked is a recipe for disaster. Its only now further down the line with the tragedies that regularly strike the US with mass shootings do we see how far ahead of his time this director was. While mass shootings weren't unheard of at the time they were very few and far between and this director is telling us, almost pleading with us "things need to change"
Anyone who knows me well enough will tell you I have a soft spot for slow-burning psychological films, particularly ones that offer a window into people's descent into madness. Weather it be Gangster No. 1, The Shining or Joker there's one for every genre and like their protagonists they're either loved or hated; with this one sadly falling into the later. Anyone who has had struggles with their own mental health can find some comfort and familiarity with people like Harry. Here we have a man who recognises his problems, whos smart enough to warn people he's a danger to others, but it all falls on deaf ears and he's allowed to slip further into mental instability. Low budget and some questionable acting aside the director did what he could with the funds available and made something that deserves more attention than it ever got. I can respect a low budget film as long as it's entertaining or makes some sense. This film doesn't rely on nudity and gore, it focuses entirely on the human elements, the failings of the system and people who just simply can't be bothered to help. Judging from the very few reviews it's ever received its easy to see how people could be confused by Henrys constant switches between what is real and what is not, while the budget and equipment wasn't there to capture in a way that 'The Shining' did it doesn't mean that it's impossible to notice. It's just requires attention, much like our unfortunate protagonist.
By the end the way in which he obtains the Submachine gun is up for debate, was he given it by the criminal hounding him? Or was that a hallucination aswell? This one is never made too obvious. Either way there's a very ugly picture painted about how mental health is handled (particularly in the states) and the readiness of people willing to exploit others sickness for their own gains.
This films final few minutes ends up with the unfortunate Henry walking into a diner full of innocent people and opening fire on everyone until he winds up on the recieving end of a bullet himself. A sad case that is still repeated time and time again.
7/10.
Der Todesking (1990)
Disturbing
From the bringer of all things that shouldn't be committed to film, director Jörg Buttgereit really went out of his way to make a film that makes you question your sanity. This is not a film for the faint of heart or for those who have unhealthy thoughts about death and suicide. These extremely touchy subjects are shown here in all their unpleasant glory. The drawn out opening scene of a man preparing for and eventually overdosing in the bathtub was something that took me completely unaware and sets the morbid tone throughout. This film (as with the rest of Jörgs films) continues to push the envelope thoughout with the upsetting and intense scenes only escalating in severity until its brutal conclusion. There are a couple pauses for respite here brought to you by intermittent timelapse shots of a real human corpse in various stages of decay and one particularly difficult part where you're forced to stare down a huge drop from a bridge for a significant length of time while it ominously lists names. Those observant enough will realise pretty quickly they're reading the names of real people who have jumped from this location, making this vertigo inducing scene all the more uncomfortable. There isn't much positive to say about this movie as it's fully intended to be deeply unsettling and disturbing, a common theme in Jörgs films that have cemented his place in horror infamy. I would encourage anyone to watch his films but would strongly caution anyone willing to give this one a try.
Bleed (2002)
A weird surprise
It's 2021 and I'm digging through films released through Film 2000 and I happened upon this film. I decided to get it second hand for a few coins. The case was wrecked but I replaced it and fortunately the disc was immaculate. I popped it in knowing and expecting that this would be nothing spectacular.
This isn't a masterpiece of cinema. I knew that going into it. I expected lots of cheesy scenes and dialogue and wasn't disappointed, despite its obvious low budget it actually manages to have a fairly decent story that twists and turns in a way that isn't always predictable. It was actually quite interesting to watch unfold. The gore is passable, you can tell some actual effort went into it, even if it isn't very convincing. I believe with a bigger budget and the right exposure that it could have ended up being a classic.
For me these are minor grips. You can't expect the next Friday 13th from filmakers like these but I tend to rate films based on how entertained I was and I was very entertained.
5/10.
Jigsaw (2002)
Take me back
Movies like this are the ones we used to watch back in a time where we wore black baggy jeans, donned spikey bracelets and watched alot of new direct to dvd horrors while consuming questionable substances.
As with all horror films from the 70s, 80s and 90s they all have aesthetics that are just unquestionably from their decade. I find this is true with early 2000s horrors. They have a distinctive feel and vibe to them that takes you back.
The movie is obviously not great, but it's a time capsule that reminds you of that awkward phase in your life when you would have thought it was the best movie ever. It has blood, guts and t*ts with very flimsy reasons as to why any of it is happening at all. There is also an unbearably creepy teacher who is one of the most uncomfortable-to-watch characters I've seen for a while.
In 2021 though; I appreciate it. Many movies released by the same label (Film 2000) have turned into guilty pleasures of mine. Other films include Bleed 2002, Skinned alive 1990, The Bunker 2001, Truth or Dare 1986 all have similar sentiments to them and you should check them out if you like schlock like this.
Le lac des morts vivants (1981)
It is what it is
If you're looking into watching this movie soon then you already know what you're getting yourself into. It's bad, you know it's bad and its not apologetic for it either.
Even by low budget standards this movie is bad. The gore is basically non existent, the zombies arent terribly convincing but there's lots of nudity to make up for it. The substory with the zombie dad is actually quite sweet and worth paying attention to.
It's not the worst thing in the world to watch but you won't be rushing to watch it again either
3/10 for eye candy and a fairly interesting sub story.