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Stridulum (1979)
WTF? - A great "after pub" movie
I don't normally leave a review because the majority of films I watch have been sufficiently assessed long before I get there. The Visitor however, is something special.
This movie is terrible. The story doesn't make a lot of sense, the acting is pretty poor and the soundtrack is insane.
Apparently this is something to do with rare demon children being born across the Universe, a shadowy occult organisation who want to birth more evil b*stards, and one woman's struggle to avoid becoming a demon baby farm. Or something. Who actually knows? This movie is insane.
Despite being truly awful, there is a constant sense of "WTF?" about the entire movie. How did this get made? Who funded it? Was it a Mafia money laundering exercise? WTF were the many well-known stars thinking when they signed up for this disaster? How did Lance Henriksen ever work again?
And WTF was that bird-filled finale all about?
The truth is this movie is amazing. Amazing for all the wrong reasons, but incredible entertainment after four or five stiff drinks. So bad it's good. Enjoy.
Savage (2017)
This movie deserves to be savaged
Confusion, blood, poor acting, awful dialogue, and a truly terrible soundtrack - these are all factors that should make for a so-bad-it's-good horror film. This is not the case for 'Savage'. Instead it is just bad. Bad, boring and meaningless, and I still have almost no idea what any of the characters said.
Fortunately this isn't a problem because the story is so simple you don't need to hear the cast spouting truly terrible inanities at each other. A man, his pregnant wife and a friend who serves no purpose whatsoever are attacked by cannibals. Everything goes wrong, a (very, very slow) chase through the forest ensues. The end.
I suspect the editor realised the dialogue was useless after filming finished and simply ramped up the volume on the non-stop soundtrack so you couldn't listen even if you wanted to. Instead you are subjected to nearly ninety minutes of a blaring siren that has nothing to do with the movie.
There are no best bits, nothing to commend or to enjoy. This is an utter disaster of a project - which is a shame because I completely understand how difficult it is to make an indie flick. If I were the director, I would leave this one off my resumé.
Don't waste your time.
A Simple Favor (2018)
The best thing about this movie is the trailer
Whoever cut the trailer for A Simple Favour deserves an Oscar as they have skilfully polished a steaming mess to an undeserved golden sheen.
Almost as soon as the mystery gets underway you know exactly where this movie is headed. The story - and I suspect the novel on which it is based - lacks any originality whatsoever. You've seen this film done better several times before. In fact, if you've seen Gone Girl, you've seen A Simple Favour.
This movie most closely resembles a mix of the childish humour of Porkies with an attempt at gripping mystery a la Gone Girl.
The characters hide behind clunky vulgarity (particularly Lively's Emily Nelson) best exemplified by a gigantic nude painting which is used to push the plot along at one point. Occasionally we are introduced to a character who threatens to liven proceedings (Rupert Friend and Jean Smart stand out in their "zany" bit parts) but are quickly dispensed with, adding nothing to the overall story at all.
Instead we're left to focus on the obnoxious - and genuinely unlikeable - leads who plod through the story as if it is a join-the-dots Columbo mystery. Which is exactly what it is - just with more swearing, drinking and "shocking" (needless in the case of Kendrick's character) backstories.
The twists in this movie are heavily signposted - particularly as the trailer already told us about the major plot pivot in advance. The mystery takes too long to solve, the main characters are grating, and the ongoing vulgarity suggest Feig lacks the maturity to make a proper thriller - which is why the distributors are pushing the 'from the director of Bridesmaids' tagline so hard.
By all means enjoy the trailer - it's an excellent piece of film making. Just skip the main attraction. The best thing about this movie is the trailer.
Crossing Lines: Obscura (2015)
The ICC disappears in a puff of mediocrity
And so ends Season 3 leaving us with yet another tangle of loose ends. Edward Allen Bernero clearly expected Crossing Lines to be renewed for a fourth season, setting up a number of story lines (Marco's long-lost sister for one) to be continued in the future. But here we are two years later, and there's still no sign of the ICC team returning. Ever.
Given that Season 3 didn't even attempted to answer any of the cliff hangers created in the final episode of Season 2, we were never going to be satisfied. And the loss of Fitchner's world-weary Hickman was a disaster. Don't get me wrong, the cast of Season 3 try their best, but nothing quite works, which is probably why the finale feels a bit damp. Sure, there's a riot and plenty of mayhem, but I just didn't care by the end.
But, stranger things have already happened with Crossing Lines. It may be that the ICC team returns with yet another drastically altered team of international misfits - and no attempt to follow up Season 3's hanging story lines. Perhaps that's exactly what Bernero is planning right now.
The Limehouse Golem (2016)
Unbelievably boring - another Jane Goldman stinker
SPOILER: Using the same unsubtlety that made "Kingsmen", "Kick-Ass" and "The Woman in Black" box office hits, Jane Goldman has now turned her hand to "costume drama" with this adaptation of the novel "Dan Leno and the Limehouse Golem" by Peter Ackroyd. And just like everything else Goldman touches, this is a stinker. A big, shiny, brown, unflushable log of turgidity.
What could have been an interesting murder mystery set in the lawless East End of Victorian London, is instead a mess of plot holes, historical inconsistencies and terrible "Cockanee" accents. At times Olivia Cooke seems to be channelling Dick Van Dyke. Indeed, gore and porn are used to gloss over a story that lacks depth or interest.
Again, the blame lies with Goldman as the source novel has received plenty of critical praise. As a historian and expert on Victorian London, Ackroyd will (if he's honest with himself) be annoyed at the disrespect with which the source material has been treated.
But inaccuracies and crap accents aside, the biggest problem with this film is that it's just plain boring. Yawningly boring. Fall-asleep-if-you-could boring. Watch-that-bloody-loud-Cineworld-4DX-advert-with-the-car- chase-100-times-instead boring.
The fact that this movie had it's premiere in 2016 and has only just made it into cinemas in August 2017 proves that someone in the studio realised there was a problem. And a glowing review from Derek Winnert isn't going to alter the fact that this is boring tosh with a shiny gloss.
Despite Bill Nighy's best efforts, you simply won't care who the killer is. Nighy is a professional, and you can tell he's trying - but the script is a steaming pile of donkey doo-doo. Worse still, you'll have guessed who the killer is within the first 30 minutes anyway.
The fact that the final act makes little-to-no sense at all just increases the feeling that you've been robbed - of the ticket price and two hours of your life. Perhaps Nighy's Inspector Kildare can investigate that theft when he's returned to the Robbery Division?
Driven to Kill (2009)
A two joke straight-to-DVD effort from Mount Segal
As you would expect from a straight-to-DVD effort, there is little in Driven to Kill to lift it from the cesspit. There are however two factors that make this movie unintentionally hilarious:
1. Segal does a Russian accent. It's terrible. And very, very funny. 2. Segal's character Ruslan is supposed to be a novelist. It's hard enough believing this meat-fisted lunk can read, let alone write, but Segal has been detached from reality for some time now.
As pointed out by one of the previous reviewers, Segal's computer keyboard control is astonishing - and even more impressive than the death-by-gun-barrel-in-the-eye sequence.
Is this enough to make the movie good? Hell no, it has Steven Segal in it for a start. But if you've got nothing (and I mean *nothing*) better to do for 90 minutes, this may just about fit the bill.