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Reviews
Haunted Mansion (2023)
Adequate / Expected
This is a "Goosebumps" style/quality "scary" movie intended for children. A bit simple and a bit slow but it's fine for what it is. I think I would have been in to this when I was 8.
They pulled in a few bigger name actors to try and keep the attention of the adults but it didn't really serve much of a purpose.
The wigs were distractingly bad. Rosario Dawson is lovely and has great hair in real life but they covered it with a dime store Halloween wig. All I can assume is they intended to detract from her natural beauty by going exceedingly "frumpy"?
The most entertaining thing to me about this movie was catching all the Easter eggs relating to the ride itself.
Dora and the Lost City of Gold (2019)
Surprisingly Good
Dora the Explorer?! Live action movie?!
When I heard this was in production all I could think was "why"?!
However: For a movie based on animated source material targeting pre-schoolers, this is quite an accomplishment! It strangely and faithfully honors the source material in a meta sense as it tells a universally accessible PG jungle adventure story including themes such as coming of age, family, and doing the right thing. Acting, story-telling, and production value are all on par with any big budget Hollywood film. I've seen better CG but honestly, it serves its purpose and doesn't detract at all.
Overall, I was impressed and I'd watch a sequel.
Skinamarink (2022)
Where Boredom Dares to Tread
Few directors throughout cinematic history have had the kind of vision, courage, and fortitude necessary for filming two full hours of walls, floors, and ceilings, and then passing it off to a paying audience as entertainment but Kyle Edward Ball was up for the challenge.
In horror cinema there is a maxim: sometimes what you can't see is scarier than what you can see. Mr. Ball took that concept to heart and chose to show the viewer absolutely nothing at all.
The audience isn't expected to fill in a few shadowy gaps with their imaginations but rather to write their own stories entirely and entertain themselves for the duration.
The best thing I can say about Skinamarink is that the premise was almost interesting. Granted it was original but it also serves as a prime example of why originality isn't always a good thing.
No plot, no effects, no actors, no nothing.
My advise to potential viewers is to just watch the trailer. It will be just as bad and just as boring but much much shorter.
If you think I'm exaggerating, go with god. -but bring a book.
The Lair (2022)
Adequate Throwback Monster Action
Lara Croft, John Rambo, Major Alan "Dutch" Schaefer, Ardeth Bay, and a half dozen other 80's and 90's action archetypes of all races and socioeconomic backgrounds find they are the last line of defense between humanity and 100 or so Venoms. The conventionally attractive and seemingly indestructible protagonist, Captain Kate Sinclair, is a no-nonsense badass with a military-grade passion for monster killing and the military issued revealing tank tops to back it up.
By the numbers action cliches include: 1. Lots of on the nose one-liners, 2. English speaking protagonists are all excellent marksmen whereas their middle-eastern advisories are not so much, 3. Monsters are unstopped, indestructible, death machines in the first act tearing though dozens of low stakes characters but by the third act their attacks are considerably less effective against more established characters.
The practical effects are pretty solid but the digital effects left a little something to be desired.
Having said all that, I actually enjoyed it. It's not a favorite and I can't imagine a repeat watch but it was worth a single viewing. It reminded me a great deal of the 80's action of my youth. Not deep, smart, or groundbreaking, but fun enough to earn an "average" rating in my book.
Kenan (2021)
Better Than Expected
Good start. Not great but good. Given time to grow and evolve, I expect good things. Don Johnson was an unexpected casting choice and his comedic timing has room for improvement but it's working. I'm on board for now.
Dad Stop Embarrassing Me (2021)
Rough Start / Mediocre Overall
Episode 1 = Really bad
Episode 2 = Bad
Episode 3 = Not great
Episode 4 = Below average
If you can make it through the first few episodes, they eventually start to find their footing. By the end of the season, I'd call it average overall.
David Allan Greer is definitely the highlight.