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The Grey (2011)
2/10
Liam "I'll do any old rubbish for a few bucks" Neeson
29 December 2013
Warning: Spoilers
I don't quite know how this movie manages to portray Liam Neeson as a heroic survival expert when all he seems to do is make a series of catastrophic mistakes that ultimately lead everyone (including himself) to be killed.

For a start, in the immediate aftermath of the plane crash when he speaks to the dying man, does he comfort him by saying 'don't worry everything's going to be OK'? No, he tells the poor guy 'You're going to die, you'll never see your wife and children again'. Nice.

He then persuades the other survivors to abandon the wreck of the plane, which could have provided some shelter from the elements as well as being visible from the air should a search and rescue mission be dispatched, and leads this group of ill equipped and injured men through a wolf infested wilderness in sub-zero temperatures. What could possibly go wrong?

I'm not exactly Bear Grylls, but even I could see just how stupid this movie was from the outset. If you want to see an exciting survival adventure watch Touching The Void. But if you want to have a few beers on a Saturday night with your friends and play a 'who's going to get eaten by a wolf next' drinking game, then this is the movie for you...
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1/10
One Of The Most Depressing Films I've Ever Seen
14 May 2013
Warning: Spoilers
I went to see this film on the strength of its cast. They and their performances are wasted in this miserable melodrama.

The story is this: Mopey, depressive alcoholic Kathy (Jennifer Connelly) is evicted from her home for failing to pay her bills. It's established early on that her husband left her some months ago, and I have to say I don't blame him; she's a thoroughly selfish and intolerable individual.

The house is sold at auction to Iranian Immigrant Behrani (Ben Kingsley) and his family, and Kathy immediately starts a campaign of harassment against them in an attempt to get the house back. She's assisted in this by sheriff's Deputy Lester (Ron Eldard) who is not only hideously racist, but absurdly dim-witted and gullible since he blindly goes along with everything Kathy wants even though she's clearly mentally unbalanced.

As Kathy and Lester's hate campaign becomes more and more belligerent, Behrani becomes more and more desperate to protect his wife and son from the reality of what is happening to them. Things will not end well. Behrani's son is killed by Lester. Overcome by grief, Behrani poisons his wife before taking his own life. Lester goes to jail for murder. And Kathy, who has caused all this trouble, gives up the house and just walks away...And that's it.

I understand that this film is trying to make a point about race relations in the United States, and the prejudice that Imigrants are often faced with. Unfortunately it's totally weighed down by the heavy emotional drama, two-dimensional characters and contrived, implausible situations. Seriously, there were moments when I wanted to shout at the screen to tell the characters to stop being so stupid!

To summarise, I wouldn't recommend this film at any time unless you're trying to get rid of some unwelcome house-guests. Happy viewing!
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NTSF:SD:SUV (2011–2013)
8/10
Hilarious CSI spoof.
19 August 2012
I love this show.

Crime dramas like CSI and NCIS have been ripe for parody for a long time, and this show is absolutely spot-on.

In San Diego, a crack team of law enforcers fight crime using excessive force, absurd scientific equipment, and a garage full of expensive SUVs.

The characters are all totally clichéd, from the gun-toting, shades-wearing leading man (Paul Scheer) the hard-boiled and one eyed agency chief (Captain Janeway herself, Kate Mulgrew) to the geeky science tech played by Rebecca Romijn - that's right, I said Rebecca Romijn!!! There's nothing subtle about the humour here, it's all pretty purile and ridiculous, but it's well written and delivered with deadly seriousness by all the cast.

If you enjoy the likes of Archer or Sealab, this is probably for you...
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Atonement (2007)
1/10
The Most Overrated Film Of The Last Decade.
6 September 2009
Warning: Spoilers
I cannot adequately sum up into words the disappointment I felt after watching this film.

England 1935, and 13 year old Briony Tallis thinks there's something funny going on between her older sister Cecilia (Keira Knightly) and their strapping gardener Robbie (James McAvoy). She totally misinterprets several events that take place over the course of a day, and as a result Robbie is sent to prison. Five years later, With Britain at war, Robbie is in the army fighting at Dunkirk. Will he return to Cecelia? Will Briony put things right? Unfortunately, at this point I was past caring.

So what was wrong? For a start, the performances were awful - the idea seems to have been 'why act when you can overact?'. The direction was slow and ponderous. The characters were vacuous and two-dimensional.

I counted half-a-dozen or so scenes that could (and should) have been left on the cutting room floor, they seemed to have no point at all, weren't explained properly, nor did they lead anywhere. I suspect they were only left in to bring the film up to a two-hour running time

Then there were the continuity errors: A Lancaster bomber flying in 1935, six years before they were invented; Robbie losing his boots in one scene, only to be wearing them again in the next; Briony seeing Robbie and Cecilia through the open library door when they clearly closed it behind them when they went in; Briony saying that these events happened when she was 10 or 11, then later in the film saying they happened when she was 13; Robbie's letters, appearing and disappearing on his desk depending on the camera angle...And how deep was the water supposed to be in that garden fountain?????

Worst of all though, was the clumsy and contrived way the 'misunderstandings' were set up. I'm no dramatist, but I could see every one of them coming a mile off.

I'm sure the film-makers would say their film was poetic in its nature, not meant to be taken literally, but that is no excuse; Ed Wood and David Winters said the same about their movies. It also makes no sense for Briony to state at the end that she was telling 'whole truth, without embellishment' when the story is filled with embellishment from the very first scene.

On a personal note, I'd like to hear Mike Nelson, Bill Corbett and Kevin Murphy do a riff on this movie. Perhaps I'll e-mail them....
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2/10
Were they serious??!!??
10 December 2005
This is one of the most hilariously bad movies I have ever had the privilege to see.

I watched this on DVD with a bunch of friends one Friday night and we just couldn't stop laughing from start to finish.

The story is simple enough: terrorists hijack a convoy they think is carrying weapons grade uranium, but it's actually carrying a bunch of man-eating dinosaurs. Easy mistake to make. Cue a startlingly incompetent team of Army Special Forces to tackle the prehistoric beasts. They are led by Colonel Rance, played by Scott Valentine; a man who seems to have perfected 'Smell the fart' acting, as advocated by Joey in Friends.

There's plenty of gore and an awful lot of shooting, but unfortunately Rance's team seem to have a problem aiming their weapons in the general direction of a horde of giant, lumbering monsters. Also, the lights always seem to flicker and go out whenever a Velociraptor attacks (preumably so we can't see how bad the creature effects are).

Having said all that, we all had a great deal of fun betting on who was going to get their head bitten off next.

As a Jusassic Park / Aliens style action adventure this movie stinks worse than a dinosaur's crotch, but as ludicrous, tongue-in-cheek entertainment it's a roaring success.
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Naked Lunch (1991)
1/10
Avoid like Bird Flu!!!
26 October 2005
This is the worst film I've ever seen.

Pointless, incomprehensible, and nauseating. I'm told that the author, William S. Burroughs (upon whose work this is based) was a paranoid schizophrenic drug addict. I could have guessed that just by watching five minutes of this garbage.

I saw the movie at the cinema, and couldn't help noticing that in the first hour or so at least half a dozen people had got up and walked out. I wish I had. I stayed until the end in the hope that it might get better. It didn't.

When it was all over, I didn't just want my money back, I wanted the two hours of my life back!
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Serenity (2005)
9/10
Cracking Sci-Fi!!!
26 October 2005
This is quite simply the best sci-fi adventure I've seen in years.

I have to say that I wasn't a fan of Buffy or Angel, and I've never even seen Firefly, so I was a bit apprehensive that I might not know what the hell was going on, but I need not have worried.

The background story was clearly explained, the scenes well paced, the dialogue sharp and witty, the visual effects dazzling, and the action sequences genuinely exciting. There really wasn't a dull moment throughout the two hour running time.

I'm 34 years old, but watching this movie on the big screen reminded me of when I was a kid seeing Star Wars for the first time. It really was that good.
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Pulp Fiction (1994)
2/10
Totally underwhelmed
26 October 2005
This is, in my opinion, the most over-rated film of all time. Sure, there is some snappy dialogue here and there, and Tarantino has a good ear for music, but none of this warrants the gushing praise heaped upon this movie, nor the godlike status bestowed upon Tarantino himself.

It's over-stylised, over-loud, over-acted, (sorry Samuel, Tim, John, Uma & Bruce) and the non-linear narrative so favoured by the director simply doesn't work.

But it's fashionable, so it's popular.

By the way, this is one of the few films where I've actually seen people get up and walk out of the cinema before the end, so I guess I'm not the only one who didn't like it.
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Downfall (2004)
9/10
The last few days of the third Reich as seen from Hitler's bunker
22 September 2005
This is surely one of the best, not to mention bravest World War II movies ever made; worthy of mention alongside Schindler's List or Saving Private Ryan.

The last few days of Hitler and his followers as the Third Reich collapses around them have been captured in chilling detail.

The performances are excellent all round, especially from Bruno Ganz as Hitler, who achieves the maniacal tyranny of his character without turning it into a comical caricature.

The director brilliantly re-creates the claustrophobic, surreal atmosphere of the underground Fuhrerbunker, where SS guards drink themselves insensible, while outside soldiers and civilians alike are slaughtered by the thousand, hospitals overflow and children are used as cannon-fodder.

The chaos, carnage, and above all, the futility of war has rarely been better described. I would recommend this film to anyone.

The only criticism I have is with the DVD version available in the UK. The English subtitles are presented in the 'hard of hearing' format only. This means that they don't just translate the dialogue (which is of course in German) but they describe everything else that goes on as well: When a gun is fired the word 'shot' appears on the screen; when a telephone rings the words 'phone rings' appear, and so on and so forth. After a while this gets quite irritating and detracts from the overall dramatic effect of the film. I think it's a shame that the producers/distributors couldn't have included basic dialogue subtitles as well.
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