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The Great Gatsby (2013)
I feel like I drank perfume with glitter in it for no reason
Well, I've read a lot of Hemmingway and I would say that the original tale illustrates the futility of wealth when it comes without wisdom or virtue. Whereas, "Jay-Z" maybe hard pressed to agree, his sister in law is trying to knock him out in the elevator.
So, what you have here is a dichotomy that eventually gives up on itself and delivers the Robert Redford version verbatim for the last 30 minutes, giving you no reason to have ever mentioned Jay-Z or creepy pedophiliac new characters.
It sucked so hard, i think Leonardo is a demon... a really child-like demon with a penchant for sociopathy delivered through terrible movies. Every time he said "Ol' Sport," fingernails splintered on the chalkboard.
I wouldn't say I hope he dies, because I don't really give that much of a shi**, but, I will say I hope his character in his next movie dies because the aliens came back for their sh** and they don't need his body anymore.
Iron Man 2 (2010)
Made for TV
Die alogue.
Basically, I feel this would have made a great TV mini series. But, this doesn't have enough balls to be made into a feature length film. Not that there are many these days, ballsy films, that is.
Lots of silly made for TV humor. Hee hees and ha has. No action. None. Encounters, yes. Cute battle scenes with bad costumes, yes. Action, not a morsel.
Nothing is sincere. It seems as though this movie's only worth is to perpetuate a chattering, ill-humored, egotiscal television audience. ...You have to give me SOMETHING to hold on to besides cool computers.
This series will draw out like a knife, dull and rusted humor, no real edge.
Rent it to sleep
Dragonlance: Dragons of Autumn Twilight (2008)
I won't say thanks because I don't believe you really tried
There's so much to say, I'm not sure where to begin. I wont bore you by stating the obvious as I know most Dragonlance fans are going to see it anyway. AND I think Wizards of the Coast knows that too. Actually, my great hope is that this is just the setting stage for a feature film that knows it's audience.
I implore wizards of the coast to stop making things that suck for the sake of money. Creating things of quality will expand your customer base so you wont need to bleed us faithful fans who came over from TSR with little kicking and screaming. So, stop f*cking with sh*t. I'm beginning to question your alignment.
Oh, and as for the review, I will say that I believe that it was directed by Fewmaster Toede, manned by a crew of gully dwarfs, and written by otyughs.
4: Rise of the Silver Surfer (2007)
No
Please stop these shameless productions. Please, while we still have a chance.
The only way this movie could have been better would have been if a super hero with the power to turn crap ass movies into quality movies appeared and turned Galactus back into some semblance of his original self, explained that Jessica Alba believed she was playing the role of an android sex-bot, and that Ryan Seacrest was heavily considered for the role of the human torch, then apologized for not having come sooner to spare us the expense of paying $8 to bask in the embarrassment that was this movie.
Mushukunin mikogami no jôkichi: Kawakaze ni kako wa nagareta (1972)
I'll have a slice
I could summarize this flick for you, but, I'm not going to do that. Basically, you wouldn't be reading this if you weren't a samurai flick fan. And if you aren't, then this Mikogami Trilogy is a good start (Lone Wolf and Cub also a good start).
What gets my blood pumping in these films and keeps me plastered to the seat is the non-stop jams. How can you have a action hero without a theme song? Where as Trail of Blood represents a softer side of Jokichi, we are given more of adventure into the hardcore drifter side of the man worthy of that cool 70's beat.
Other's say this one lacks story. I disagree. There's a great story here which further develops the overall character of Jokichi the Drifter. And even though I did not like the reverse sword fighting as much in Trail of Blood, Fearless Avenger definitely made me dig it a whole lot more.
Contemporary directors and cinematographers could learn a lot here.
Crash (2004)
Ridiculous
A ridiculous waste of time. The worst academy decision known to man. This movie teaches nothing, entertains never, and has nothing to offer cinematically, philosophically or spiritually unless you live in the realm of the naive and eat at McDonalds and have rims on your suburban and feel as though something of substance is being addressed when all that is occurring is an attempt for producers to devise a plan to tug at the heartstrings of the a specific demographic of the American population whose collective depth is that of a baby pool. Seriously, WTF! I rank this movie with A Day without a Mexican, Anaconda, and Street Fighter: The Movie.