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Doctor Strange (2016)
One day, we will be rid of this garbage.
(spoilers ahead!)
I saw a movie today and this is roughly what happened.
After the obligatory opening CGI extravaganza, we are introduced to a younger and far less interesting version of Dr. House from House M.D., who crashes his sports car because he's distracted by his smartphone in exactly the way you crash your sports car in movies when you're distracted by your smartphone.
Now he's all messed up and can't be Dr. House anymore, which annoys him, so he starts shouting at his girlfriend. Then after a series of neat screen writing coincidences, a man playing basketball tells him to go to Nepal to fix himself up, so he does a Kwai Chang Caine/David Carradine from KUNG FU, but not as well, and meets two British thespians (one in a bald cap) on the set at Pinewood and/or Shepperton studios, one of whom rescues him from muggers in a creepy alley like in, well, everything you've ever seen, but not as well.
Then for the next eighty minutes it's a rinse and repeat of 1) endless fight sequences like THE MATRIX but not as good, with CGI like INCEPTION but not as good, 2) standing around in rubble making speeches full of words and names we don't understand nor care about; and 3) a scientifically calculated sprinkling of lame humour including jokes about wi-fi and Beyonce.
Somewhere in the middle there's a scene where he's not very good in training, then has a shave and brushes his hair and is suddenly amazing. And another fight. Or two. There's some more chat about villains and the dark side, but not as good as STAR WARS, and I don't remember what anybody's true motivation was for anything, emotional or otherwise. All this is then covered in a thick brown gravy of forgettable score that tells us exactly how to feel.
Further along there's a sort of climax similar to the end of SUPERMAN II but not as good, with a super villain who wears 70s glam rock purple eye shadow, then another bit of the climax that looks like a pumped up version of the end of FANTASTIC FOUR where Dr. House now has a cape and manages to outsmart a shouty CGI head by making him bored and frustrated, which is a little odd because the shouty CGI head lives outside of conventional space time, and in doing so probably wouldn't care that this might go on for a while.
Then, at the almost end, the thespian in the bald cap dies like Obi Wan Kenobi in STAR WARS but not as well, the glam 70s rock super villain and his roundhouse-kicking minions get dispatched in exactly the same way as Gen Zod in SUPERMAN – THE MOVIE, but not as well. After that Dr. House's best mate, as they always do, gets a bit annoyed at something and decides to go off to be the villain in the sequel. Dr. House talks a bit about the upcoming sequels with another mate then stands next to a window looking serious.
At the end there's a caption on screen telling us there's going to be a sequel.
And that's it. The epitome of average.
Spectre (2015)
Bland and needlessly retro 007 blancmange
Goodness me Sam Mendes, John Logan, Michael Wilson and Barbara Broccoli! What have you just done? Were the makers of CASINO ROYALE and SKYFALL kidnapped by the pod people and replaced with clones two years ago? Where on Earth did this lame, pale, boring, lifeless and unengaging film come from?
How did a group of world class filmmakers get to the point where they thought this a worthy successor of the aforementioned entries in the Bond series?
All the hard work done over the past few years to successfully reinvent the character of James Bond has been poured down the toilet to produce this lazily written action romp. The cast look bored, there is no chemistry, there is no peril. We just don't care. Someone has made the decision to reintroduce unwelcome Roger Moore era humour for no reason whatsoever. And let's not mention one of the most unexciting and overlong car chases ever.
This film is so frighteningly average, the more you deconstruct it in your head the worse it becomes. I can only think that the stratospheric box office receipts of SKYFALL have caused some kind of complacency over at EON. Guys, we know the last one did really well, but next time can you please at least try and make a GOOD movie?
Terminator Genisys (2015)
Everything that is wrong with the summer blockbuster in one neat steaming pile
This is a bloated Hollywood turd produced by a group of people that don't give a s**t about the audience. And that means YOU, my friends.
A misguided, over complicated, redundant, profoundly immature and unfocused piece of Hollywood product created by a hapless group of individuals who appear to have absolutely no idea how to craft a coherent story or create characters we care about.
TERMINATOR GENYSIS is a incoherent mess. Structurally it is built around a dozen or so expensive action sequences that hoodwink the audience into believing they're watching a story simply because the filmmakers possess the money and resources to create something visually arresting.
Said action beats are then interspersed with tedious, extended sequences of appallingly written expository dialogue that stops the story dead in its tracks in order to explain stuff that we already know or don't care about. Screen writing for the hard of understanding.
Never in living memory have I witnessed a film that spends so much time explaining its story -- that in the end there's no time left for a story.
Oh how I longed for the beautiful and direct simplicity of James Cameron's original screenplay. A world in which the story unfolded before us and the characters at the same time. A world in which the writer was confident enough in that story he didn't need to stop every ten minutes to explain stuff we might not have understood. A world in which he didn't have $20m to spend on each action sequence so opted for things like clarity of storytelling and beautiful sleight of hand. And used dialogue that was sparing and to the point.
The dialogue in TERMINATOR GENYSIS is reminiscent of an early 1980s network TV show, with scenes between Kyle Reese and Sarah Connor that are SO BAD the producers of THE BOLD AND THE BEAUTIFUL would have laughed them out of the writer's room.
And then, to top it all, the third act of this travesty actually asks us to care for the plight of these people when the movie has done nothing to earn it. We are then forced to endure a syrupy final scene where Arnold and his friends drive off into a photograph from the front of a box of chocolates, and then at the end of the credits this abortion of a motion picture threatens us with the possibility of yet more to come.
Personally I would rather eat my own arm than see a sequel to this film. Life is just too beautiful to waste. It is time for us to stop giving our money and our time to the purveyors of this simplistic, calculated garbage. It is time to stop giving attention to people whose only concern is "what are the weekend numbers?" and "how did it do in China?".
It is time to start telling these people that we, your audience, are not stupid -- and we will not take it anymore.
The Last Ship (2014)
One of the worst shows in history
My biggest mistake was coming directly to this after finishing season 3 of BANSHEE. I would quite seriously jump for joy if that Russian ship from the early episode came along and sunk all those GI Joes to the bottom of the ocean, and we could just carry on with them instead. Anything but this never ending god awful recruitment film.
But I'll never know because I took the DVDs into the back garden and set fire to them. Thinking back I should have known what was coming as soon as I saw Michael (Mer-cuh, **** yeah!) Bay's name on the front credits. How can people continue to produce this stuff? How can people continue to watch? A THIRD season? Are you, like, insane? Final idea: let all the people on the boat die and let's have a season or two with just the dog. Like a post apocalyptic, globe trotting LITTLEST HOBO? At least then I wouldn't have to continue looking at the Captain with the thick neck, whatever his name is.
War Horse (2011)
Steven Spielberg's $66m joke
Excuse me, this film was nominated for Best Picture....? Is the entire world deluded? Here we have two plus hours of a fabulous story (IN THE London WEST END THEATRE) that has been royally boned by two incredibly rich purveyors of cheese. Richard Curtis I hate you for this. Steven Spielberg I feel as if you just spent $66 million dollars of somebody else's money playing an enormous joke on the world's audience. Every single scene in this picture is maximised for an emotional impact that belongs to the brain of a 65 year old woman. How the hell did the man that made JAWS and CLOSE ENCOUNTERS produce this piece of calculated garbage? Every single image of this film shouts "Hello I am Steven and I am directing a beautiful shot." but Sir you forgot to engage me with any true emotion. This flick is saccharine and calculated beyond explanation. Spielberg you are taking the mickey here and I am incredibly annoyed at you for doing so. Shame on you.
About Time (2013)
So bad it's enough to make you angry
Greetings viewers. Welcome to the saccharine world of Richard Curtis where, just like ALL his other cinematic concoctions, love conquers all and life is fulfilled - as long as you happen to live in a fantasy version of London where a) it's always summer b) you live in (the incredibly expensive) St. John's Wood/Maida Vale area, c) ethnic minorities are non-existent, d) everyone has a middle class job in law, the arts or publishing, e) children never cry - they are just massively cute all the time, f) you have wealthy parents rattling around in a huge house by the sea, g) you have a kooky sister and an eccentric uncle for comedy relief and h) you are a less handsome but not unattractive ginger version of Hugh Grant. Curtis' storytelling template never waivers from the success of FOUR WEDDINGS and NOTTING HILL and this derivative bilge is the 21st century equivalent of "All Americans still think London is foggy, lit by gas lamps and transported by horse and carriage." Oh, and don't forget - if you need a passage of time let's have a montage set to a bland love song that takes place in a single location. The writer's claim that no adjustments are made to suit US cinema-going sensibilities is plainly untrue. One of the most truly awful, shamelessly manufactured examples of cinematic product I've ever had the misfortune to witness.
Thunderbirds (2004)
Working Title blows it
I'd take a guess that nobody involved in the production of this disaster (pun intended) actually sat down and discussed what was truly at the core of Gerry Anderson's THUNDERBIRDS. The answer is peril. It's about large scale disaster, nail-biting tension, ticking bombs, cool mechanics and huge explosions. It is also quite serious. What Working Title and Commander Riker have done here is take a great concept and bastardise it into a sub-par Children's Film Foundation frolic that could have been adapted from any of a million and one concepts. Instead they've chosen to destroy any chance we could ever have of seeing a cool THUNDERBIRDS movie. Everything about this production is an insult to the intelligence of kids and adults alike. If only someone had had the guts to model it on THE TOWERING INFERNO (or indeed, ANY episode of the original show) instead of a SPY KIDS sequel, there might have been a chance to get a return on the $70m investment. A massive fail.
Exam (2009)
exciting, topical thriller
I had the pleasure of seeing this pic at the recent Edinburgh Film Festival and it is certainly not The Apprentice. More like 12 Angry Men meets Cube.
Photographed in the impressive cinemascope screen shape and very sharply edited, the director takes us on a psychological journey where the characters, who are at first cagey, gradually open up to reveal their true identities. This manifests itself in various ways as the candidates gradually step up to bat and take each other on in a variety of ways. Some good, some bad, some horrific - but always interesting.
Perhaps a tad talky in the centre section but it builds to an exciting and clever climax that wields a distinct note of hope and positivity.
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (2005)
Emperor's clothes
How any reviewer can claim this to be the best Potter film yet utterly astounds me.
Newell's direction is phoned in. Bland camera-work and poor performances from precocious theatre school cherubs is propped up on a decidedly dodgy crutch of huge CGI establishing shots and yet another promise of "more to come". Yet this is the fourth film and we're STILL waiting.
Best thing about the picture is Brendan Gleeson. Fiennes is OK, but thinks he's playing a villain in the 1980 Flash Gordon film.
Oldman, Rickman, Coltrane - wasted. And Michael Gambon is a poor substitute for Richard Harris.
Bring back Alfonso (Azkeban's director). There was a man that instilled J.K. Rowling's lukewarm story with style, energy, originality and menace.
Each subsequent installment in this appalling franchise sniffs more and more of "film making by committee" -- and boy, it shows.