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Riding with Death (1976 TV Movie)
3/10
Ben Murphy, PI
15 September 2007
Warning: Spoilers
Well, ratings of less than three stars are usually reserved for movies with obvious technical problems, like poor lighting or sound-sync issues. But really, it's superfluous to give this "movie," which is really just two (bad) episodes of a titanically idiotic television show (badly) spliced together, any rating at all.

But you can have some fun with it. In fact, the more times you watch this movie with Mike and the Bots (episode 814, and one of their best), the more completely idiotic and unbelievable pieces you can pick out of the movie's paper-thin premise. Literally every single thing in this movie is done or happens for apparently no reason whatsoever. Characters behave as if they can see the camera and ham it up accordingly. The dialog is cliché after cliché. After repeated viewings, the idiocy becomes manifest and reaches a level of sublimity simply not found in ordinary stupid television. Really. It's almost difficult to believe that writers Leslie Stevens and Frank Telford thought their potential viewers could be so stupid.

For instance, consider the scene in which Sam Casey (Ben Murphy) pulls into a garage to have his brakes checked. No, the brakes weren't acting up. He apparently just thought his brakes needed to be checked. The mechanic ostensibly checks his brakes, but as Casey drives away, we get a shot of a dangling brake line (and in the process are presented with a factual error involving the way that brakes work on a big rig, but whatever) and Carl the mechanic looking sinister. Apparently, he's a bad guy.

But wait. We're supposed to believe that the evil Dr. Hale (idiotically riding in his chopper and very obviously following Casey the whole time) somehow knew that Casey was going to randomly stop at a random garage to randomly have his brakes checked, and somehow managed to plant a bad guy there in advance with instructions to surreptitiously cut the truck's brake line? There, you see, is the sublime stupidity. It boggles the mind.

Also beware of insipid idiot cracker Jim Stafford, doing his best to make men everywhere ashamed of men's clothing in general. Ugh.

Watch and enjoy, folks. Watch and enjoy.
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1/10
It Hurts
16 March 2006
Everyone involved in the making of this movie, from the coke-vacuuming, muckraking scum who financed it to the gaffer's newest apprentice, is going directly to hell.

This isn't just a bad movie. It's a psychotic, surreal journey into the realm of the profoundly grotesque. The Garbage Pail Kids themselves are terrible in their deformity, with exaggerated facial features and apparent elephantitis of the cranium making them hurtful to witness. Poorly-done animatronics make them all appear as if their facial muscles have been injected with lidocaine. They have a collective IQ of approximately 58.

It's not pleasant to watch. It's not funny, it's not kitschy, it's not camp. The dialogue is pat and smarmy, the characters stupid and forgettable, and the whole slimy mess reeks of greedy bastards trying to make a fistful of money on the flavor of the week. TGPKM is another example of how depressingly low the common denominator really is...and this was BEFORE the reality TV craze.

It hurts.
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